Confesions of a Desperate Man
by Bioboy
Summary: Harm's thoughts as he deals with parent hood and the recent news of both Mattie and Mac.
1. Alone With Only Thoughts For Company

In the wilds of Paraguay...  
  
Damn my head hurts. My back hurts, everything hurts. So this is what going down with the plane feels like. I'll never bitch about ejector seats ever again. Now I know I'd rather have that rocket up my ass to throw me from the plane any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Mac hasn't said anything yet. "Mac? Mac you with me?" She's slumped forward as far as her seatbelt will allow her. She can't be dead, she can't. Reaching forward, my fingers pull her back against the seat and find a strong and steady pulse at her neck. We've got to get out of here. My back is the biggest complaint as I lift myself out of the cockpit or what remains of it. My first instinct in this situation is to grab what I can and find a place to hide until the cavalry shows up, this is courtesy of the United States Navy and my survival training during flight school. But not this time, now there's someone in my care, someone I wouldn't leave her here even if I saw Sadik and twenty of his no doubt pissed off goons in tow.  
  
The entire ass end of the fuselage has been ripped off. It's easier to get off that way than off either side. I have to get out to inspect what's left of the plane. This old girl's seen her last flight, guess I'm not getting my passport back. I've got time, there's no gas leaking out of her, nothing's burning, and there's no sparking either. As soon as I... Jesus, Mac's face is covered in blood. I can see the gash on her head, just below the hairline and above her goggles. I have to break a few branches to get a clear look at her. Actually, it's not that big, but any cut on the head's going to bleed like hell. I don't see what she hit her head on; its probably laying back behind us after it broke off. After converting my shirt into a tank top, I've got it wrapped up and taken care of. "Son of a bitch." Her seat belt's broken, that's why she hit her head. It broke off at the buckle. She's probably suffered a concussion, I only hope its just a concussion. It'd be best if I waited until she was awake before taking her out, but we might not have that kind of time. The plane's not going to explode, but we'll be just as dead if Sadik were to find us here.  
  
"Come on God damn it!" I've been fighting with that damn pregnancy suit trying to get Mac out of the cockpit for about half an hour now. How in the hell did she stand it? Even a real pregnancy is a gradual thing. I'm giving this one more try, otherwise I'm cutting that damn thing off her, consequences of her waking up in the process be damned. "Fuck." I've just fallen backwards to ground and my back's protesting my decision like never before. Mac popped out like a cork and she's currently on top of me. This would be an acceptable position any other time but now. Rolling her on to her back, I check the bandage and then climb back up in the plane to salvage anything I can. The first aid kit lodged under the rudder petals of Mac's cockpit will come in handy, there's a small aerial map in here too. Other than that and my bag there's nothing left.  
  
Mac could tell me how long we've been sitting here. Or how long she's been here anyway. My watch broke and she doesn't have one. It's already been too long and she's still out cold. I carried her more than a mile from the plane and hid her body. Christ, that sounds like she was dead already. Dead and bloated, that suit weighs a ton. Then I went back and started collecting debris, the big stuff anyway. The wings and everything else I couldn't drag away, I covered up. At least the blue paint will be hard to spot. If Sadik has a bird at his disposal, I'm going to make it as hard as possible for him to mark the crash site. So now, I've been sitting here for what seems like an eternity. Hell of a word that word. Eternity, and I've grown to hate it.  
  
We have six sticks of dynamite left, not exactly hand grenades, but they'll do. The striker, my Beretta, and a pocketknife. "Humph, if MacGyver was here he'd have a cabin built already." Or a CB radio, that would be nice. Keeter was a die-hard MacGyver fan when we roomed to together in Norfolk. I have my cell and it survived the ordeal, but I don't know any of the local numbers around here. I've inventoried our supplies at least a dozen times over the past hour, it was meant as a distraction from her and it's not working anymore. I have no idea what the hell she and Webb went through before I got there and I not sure I really want to know. But why in the hell did she kiss him like that, were they getting that close? I mean I know they were pretending to be married. No doubt they were in the same bed... I overheard parts of their conversation. Something about sharing beds and toothbrushes. Just how far did they take this act out? God, was it even an act?  
  
What would have happened if I hadn't come down here? Engage your brain moron, you know the answer to that. Mac and Webb would've been killed, no one would be the wiser, and your career at JAG would go on. Yeah that's the obvious. What I want to know is would Mac have become another quest of mine? Would I have driven everyone around me insane trying to find her from the confines of Washington? And Catherine... where would we be right about now? If Mac has to debate how much she means to me after all this she needs an MRI... she'll probably still need one. I've just given up most everything that I love for her. I have no idea what the Admiral meant by what I'd risk to keep her. What's left to give? I've already risked my career and my life on this little endeavor. My entire life has been flying and the Navy. If things stay the way they are the Navy's going to send me on my way and the closest I'll get to Mach one from now on is going to be the flight home.  
  
Enough, I need to find out where Mac and Webb stand first. If Mac feels even half of what I think she does for him, it may be too late already. Sarah Webb, that's so bitter I can't help but spit it out. But this isn't Australia either, there's nothing holding me back this time, not the Navy, or flying or some other woman. I'm going to try to make her understand that I need her too. God I miss you dad. Mom has told me endlessly what it was like when she realized dad was the one. That's nice but it didn't help me then and it won't help me here either. There's nothing like fatherly advise, and right now, I miss his guidance more than anything. I guess it doesn't matter now, if Mac hears me out and burns me down at least I'll know I tried and I'll move on. Somehow.  
  
Move on to what? There's nothing left. I can feel the acid building in my throat. My heart hurts too and why not, everything else does. I could go back to the Admiral, tell him everything that's happened and beg him to take me back. I'm a great lawyer I'm fairly certain he'd do it; he took Mac back didn't he? And if he doesn't I could take Deputy Director Kershaw up on his offer. Agent Rabb, that'd take some time to get used to. I guess I could be a CIA lawyer like Catherine. Or maybe I could join Keeter, fly black op missions for the company or who ever else he works for now. As for Mac, we'll be reduced to what we were like when Brumby was around. Friends, but friends who hold each other at arm's length. I really don't want to go back to that place. Hell, could we even stand to work together anymore? Especially if she turns me down?  
  
It wouldn't be all bad though, yeah JAG would suck if I could get back in, but personally I could commit myself to Catherine like I never could have to Renee. There wouldn't be some cross to bear for Mac weighing me down. Catherine is smart, beautiful, well versed, and interested in me. That I do know. Even better yet she has no problem standing up to me, defending her beliefs, she understands and shares my devotion to country and to family even though she doesn't know my entire story yet, Andrew likes me and her mother loves me even if she might not survive to see the new year. But she can see the connection Mac and I have too. There's no way she'd allow herself to get into a relationship with me unless I came to some sort of conclusion one way or the other about Mac. No maybes, just yes, or no. Anything else would be unacceptable to her. At least she sees it, Renee was damn near blindsided by it or maybe she just chose to ignore it. Most of all, as much as I fought taking part in our fake marriage I enjoyed it just as much if not more. Mac wasn't the only who enjoyed being a spouse. Even if it was only for the duration of one kiss and the newlywed act we put on her mother afterwards. I like the idea of devoting myself to one woman. Someone to confide in for the rest of my life when I'm not feeling so brave. Someone to hold on to everyday without having to question why they're really there with me, someone to raise a child with. Catherine could be that someone for me, but so could Mac. That's part of the reason why I'm down here isn't it?  
  
God I'm cold, isn't this supposed to be South America? You know hot, nasty, unbearable weather, what the hell's this? I built us a fire once the sun went down, but I have to keep it small. If I let it get any bigger the tree canopy overhead won't be enough to hide it. I boiled some water in crude pot I made out of some of the aluminum I got from the plane. Mac still hasn't woken up yet, she coughed up most of the water I poured down her throat, but she should be okay for now. I just wish she'd wake up or make some kind of noise, something to let me know she's not it a coma or anything. We're sharing body heat again; only she doesn't exactly have a choice in the matter. The fire's about ten yards away, I'm just not willing to risk the possibility that Sadik's men aren't out here looking for us. A fire's going to draw them in if they see it. I'd rather be cold in the shadows and in a position to defend ourselves than dead and warm by the fire. We're covered in branches, the Beretta's at my side and the dynamite's handy if I need it too, I'll be ready if I need to be.  
  
Mac stirred in her sleep last night; at least I think she did. I dozed off somewhere around oh dark thirty early this morning. I think its what woke me up. I could have imagined it just as easily too; I hadn't slept in about a day and a half. I killed the fire with dirt, it may not be the only thing killed out here today, but I don't need the smoke giving away our position to increase the chance of that happening. I thought about that last night too. Every man or woman I've killed before this was in the line of duty where I was under the protective umbrella of the Navy. Yesterday though, while I'm still technically in the Navy for the most part I'm just a civilian now. A civilian who killed a lot of people. I don't have a problem with killing, I've been well trained to do it. I just regret that it's come to that on most occasions, but I'd do it all over again and then some if I had the chance. I still remember what one of my flight instructors said to the class at Pensacola when Luke, Keeter, and I were all fresh faced Ensigns. "You are here to kill. You are here to destroy people and property in the name of the United States of America. If you can't handle that, get the hell out of my class." That really fired us up, I remember all of us looking around to see if anyone actually did get up and leave. No one did.  
  
"Aahhh." My cell's vibrating, scared the hell out of me. Almost spilled our water in the process.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Sir, its..." Shit, no Gunny don't.  
  
"No names, we don't know who's listening in. And we can't talk long, don't want to be triangulated." That's reaching a bit, I don't know if Sadik or any of his friends have that kind of capabilities, but I won't invite trouble here. Gunny did mention the possibility of a leak in the CIA. "Did you deliver your package?"  
  
"It took some doing, we ran into our old friends on the road, but I made it on time."  
  
"Did the customer say anything about its condition?"  
  
"They were slightly concerned, but feel they can restore it to its original condition. Did you spray insecticide on the bumble bees?"  
  
Bumble bees? What the hell is he... oh the stingers, bees, I get it. "Affirmative. Feel like making another pickup?"  
  
"You call, I'll haul."  
  
"You called me."  
  
"Funny, where are you?"  
  
"It's going to be in code."  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
I hope you get this Gunny, he should, the code's based on him. "Best guess 61, 55, the number of brothers you have multiplied by two, west. 21, the number of sisters you have times three, 36, south. Got it?"  
  
"Not a problem, what's your status."  
  
"Eager to go home. You might want to bring another customer with you." I'm not telling whoever might be listening that we're wounded. "And don't use your new employers, go to your old friends okay?  
  
"Is your package needing immediate shipment?"  
  
"Unknown. Sooner the better though."  
  
"You don't trust my new buds?"  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Some of them I do, um..." How do I say Catherine Gale without saying it? "Just don't use anyone local if you have to ask your new pals for help."  
  
"Not a problem either way. Can you hold out for a couple hours or so?"  
  
Hours? I can, but I don't want to. "I guess I'll just have to won't I? Are you sending a bird?"  
  
"Hopefully, I'll call back to let you know. Sit tight and we'll pull you out of there." Gunny sounds like he's about to hang up on me.  
  
"Wait a minute."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Hey, how did you get this number anyway?"  
  
"Your wife gave it to us." I swear I can hear Gunny smiling.  
  
"Well tell her I love her and I'm going to give her a big, wet sloppy kiss when I get back."  
  
"Will do." I tuck the phone into my pants pocket. Thank you Catherine, we're probably going to get out of here alive thanks to you. If Mac doesn't wake up, it would've meant that I'd have had to carry her the entire way. That would take longer than she has time for. She needs a doctor.  
  
"Alright Mac, the cavalry's going to be here in a few hours. If you don't want to look weak in front of your fellow Marines you'd better wake up." I don't know if this is helpful or ridiculous. I'm making demands of an unconscious woman now. Well if she is in a coma, some people say that they can still hear you. Maybe this is the best time to say this, "Mac we need to talk, I need to talk. I don't know if you can hear me, but maybe I just need to hear myself say it out loud. I need you Mac, and not just in my life. I need to know if there can be something more than we've ever allowed ourselves to be to each other. If we can't... if what you and Webb went through is too strong to ignore then I wish you the best. I really do, but I'm sick of this status quo we've become too comfortable with. I've gotten a taste of what it might be like to belong to someone and I liked it. I'd like to belong to you, but if that's no longer possible then I need to know that too so I can move on. This just isn't healthy for me anymore." This is a lot easier than I thought it would be. Maybe it's because she can't say anything back or maybe it's because I don't have to look into those big, expressive, brown eyes of hers.  
  
Or maybe there's another reason. While she's out, I can talk and talk and talk uninterrupted until what I want to say comes out right. If she were awake she'd hear something other than what I'd meant, jump to her own conclusion and walk out of this damn country if she needed to get away or she'd just shut down on me. That's what Mac does; she jumps to conclusions... to men. It's happened in Australia, on the Guadalcanal and if it happens here, that's strike three. Webb, I'll be honest, at least to myself I can be, a small part of me hoped he wouldn't survive. Yeah it's horrible and I'm going to hell for it. I don't care; it would have simplified things for Mac and I. Now Webb's alive, he's going to be coming after Mac, he's in love with her and... well I don't know if she's in love with him. Why do I feel like I've already lost here? She hasn't woken up yet and I'm already thinking about how I'm going to pick up the pieces after she crushes me and everything I've sacrificed to get to this point.  
  
"Finally." It's about time Gunny checks in. I saw a small plane making slow passes over the hill we crashed into an hour ago. I knew better than to give away our position. Gunny would have sent a helo if he managed to get a bird and they would have came right to our location. "Talk to me."  
  
"Sir we're about to start rolling to you now." I can barely make out Gunny for the sound of the engine.  
  
"No birds?"  
  
"Sorry they said sending in a bird with talons was too high profile. I'm rolling to you with about twenty friends of mine."  
  
"Which friends?"  
  
"Devil dogs." Good, something tells me all is not right with the CIA in this part of the world. They'd find a way to fuck this up.  
  
"Excellent, ETA?"  
  
"Two hours."  
  
"You may run into some resistance."  
  
"Nothing we can't handle, have you spotted or engaged?"  
  
"A plane for now, I think it's only a matter of time. Customer?"  
  
"Along for the ride, we're on our way."  
  
"We'll be waiting."  
  
Two more hours, we can... I can do that. I'm sure Gunny will be able to bypass the good Captain on the road. That's going to be a sight for some local. Twenty marines in jeans and cowboy hats storming up the road in a bunch of jeeps bristling with guns. I'm taking a vacation after this, a real vacation. Regardless if I wind up back at JAG or join the CIA, if I'm with Mac or Catherine. I'm going to visit mom and Frank for a few days, then spend a week with Grandma. I'll take Sarah up and go flying everyday. She'll have me splitting wood and feeding chickens, but I don't care. That peaceable work, no life or death decisions to make, and no one's lives in my hands. Then I'll come back with direction, with purpose. That's sounds nice, I can only hope it works out that well.  
  
"Mmmmm."  
  
"Mac? Mac? Can you hear me?" Mac stirred a little bit, it took me a second to get over to her. Her eyes fluttered open a little, but then they closed. She's out again. "Rest Mac, help's coming." At least she's not in coma or something worse. It's probably just a wicked concussion. She'll have a hell of a headache when she comes to.  
  
I knew this map would come in handy. I figure I've got about twenty minutes until Gunny's supposed to show up. According to the map, the closest road is east of us. "Of course its east of us." I mutter. Rule of thumb when out in the wilderness; the steepest sloped hill around is sure to be your only route out. I can't drag Mac out of here in time to flag Gunny down, he might blow right by us. My coordinates most likely weren't exact. Tilting her head up, I pour the last of the water down her throat. As before, she coughs up most of it. Dehydration isn't something to laugh at but it's all I can do for her right now. I covered her up with branches before tucking the gun in my waistband and the dynamite in my bag. I feel a little guilty about leaving her here unarmed, but how exactly would she use either in her condition anyway?  
  
Gunny's truck did blow right by me, luckily the second, third and fourth ones didn't. I had to make sure it was them and not a bunch of Sadik's lunatics. Gunny's truck whipped around and came back as soon as they saw me. "Not bad sir, I was going to stop a half mile down the road."  
  
"How'd you get past the Captain?"  
  
Gunny points to the mud caking the trucks halfway up their sides. "Did a little off roading, it was a fun." He says with a shrug.  
  
"Where's Colonel MacKenzie?" I'm assuming this is the Marine medic they brought. They're all in plain clothes so it's hard to tell who's who. Most of them are in jeans in cowboy hats though.  
  
"A little more than a mile down the hill. Come on." Gunny orders about half of them to guard the vehicles before following me with the others and the medic who's even with me. As soon we come into view of our campsite, the medic and two others rush over to her, uncover her, and begin spitting out medical jargon I couldn't hope to keep up with. They've got a neck brace on her, an IV in her, and a stretcher under her in a minute or two. Battlefield medics are an incredible breed; bullets flying around, bombs going off, they're unarmed and all they care about it is the wounded man lying there on the ground bleeding to death. Coates would've been great at it, Coates was great.  
  
"You ready to get out of her sir?" Gunny's shaking me out of my daydream about Bud and his leg. They've got Mac secured to the stretcher and are beginning to move. They'll all take turns carrying her out of here.  
  
"Yeah, lets go." Fifteen minutes later, we're at the trucks. The medic and his crew load Mac into one of them and then jump aboard. I'll ride with Gunny, I don't need to hear the play by play.  
  
Gunny slides in behind the driver's seat of the lead truck and I boot some Marine out to claim shotgun. "How do you like your terrorists sir?" Gunny asks as he starts the truck. Is this some sort of an invitation to finish this with him? I like the idea of it; if this is going to be my last official act as a Naval officer, I want it to be something worthy of remembrance. Besides, killing Sadik would probably boost my likelihood of getting back into the Navy. I'm sure Naval Intelligence could use me just as much as the CIA if I can get back into the Navy but can't go back to JAG, plus I'd get to keep my rank, my pension, and the chance to step into a Tomcat now and then.  
  
"Dead Gunny, I like em' dead." Gunny just smiles and throws the truck in gear.  
  
Looking back through the dust we're kicking up I can see the other trucks have turned around and are following us. I have no idea where all of this is going to take me. One thing's for sure, I'm not stepping one foot out of this country until Sadik's gone the way of the Dodo and I've had a talk with Mac to figure some things out. I've come to realize that I have to make my stand right here and now. My personal life's been patiently waiting for me to rejoin it since I stepped off the Patrick Henry in Norfolk. Watch over me extra close Dad, your son's about to go off half- cocked again and I don't know what's to become of me.  
  
Author's note: First off, please feel free to send me all the feed back you want, good or bad. On another note, I've noticed that other fanfic authors have tried making Harm into a man who so burdened by the number of people he's killed that he's developed serious issues about it. I won't name names, but you know who you are out there. Perhaps this is an open- ended question to them or anyone else who cares to respond. Why? Why make his character into something we've never seen the T.V persona to reflect? (Romance between Harm and Mac or anyone else doesn't count. Besides, I'm beginning to think that'll only happen in fan fiction anyway.) We've seen Harm haunted by nightmares of Mac dying, but not replays of the people he's killed. The comment I included about the flight school instructors is exactly what fighter pilots are told. They are there to kill, 99.9% of the time that is their primary objective. This is why only the men and women who can accept and deal with that reality become fighter pilots in the first place. I don't mean to degrade anyone for it; you're free to your interpretation the character. I just needed to sound off about it and I'd like to understand your motivations for doing so. 


	2. Down and Up Again

Author's note: Okay first of all, thank you to everyone who was kind enough to send me their thoughts about the first chapter. Feedback is always appreciated, good, or bad. Anyway, some of you out there may not like where I'm taking Harm, but I'm trying to put Harm where I think TPTB are going to take him. Other than that, enjoy.  
  
2102 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
Its over. My Naval career is over. I can feel the smooth wood grain of my desk as I sweep my hand over it. My empty desk, my former desk, my former office. I managed to get everything of mine into the three boxes sitting on the desk in front of me. I never thought it would end like this. No Sadik, no Mac, and no more Tomcats. I've effectively struck out. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut by a mule ever since the Admiral refused to take me back. Even one out of three would've been acceptable or at least would have made this more bearable. Sadik probably jumped off the train as soon as we lost sight of him. Now he's still out there and I'm sure he'll come after me. I won't have help either; the Navy doesn't concern itself with civilians in that regard. As for Mac, we spent the entire time together throwing sarcastic remarks back and forth at each other. I guess I just couldn't help responding in kind. At least we... she came to a definite decision regarding us. In some ways I'm glad, I can move on now. I'll miss the Tomcats though, there's nothing like hitting Mach 2. I'll miss the Navy pension I would've qualified for in two more years too.  
  
I can see the Admiral talking to one of the administrative officers out in the bullpen. Not a team player my ass, I'm the only one who even gives a damn about the team. None them came to visit me when I was locked up like an animal; no one else risked it all to bring Mac back home. How many times have I put it all on the line for the people I work with, for the clients I've defended? Apparently doing more than the next guy is actually my one-way ticket out of here. I've given the Admiral everything he asked of me when we first met. Yeah I'm driven by my emotions, but still I gave him the results he wanted, the positive image the Navy needed, and it still wasn't enough for him to give me the same courtesy he afforded Mac when she left for the greener pastures of civilian law. Its obvious who he favors, who he's always favored. Hell, maybe Brumby was right; maybe he is a little bit in love with her. I think Mac's grown too accustomed to me saving her ass as well. I've got a pile of evidence to prove it too. The aforementioned hillbilly poachers who shot her, Coster, Hodge, the nuke bearing down on the Sea Hawk, and all of Paraguay. There's a litany of others I could add to the list, but I'm too depressed to even care any more. Who's she going to look to when she finds herself in the next jam? Well, that isn't exactly fair. She did save me from the Russians and their damn ass backward torpedoes. And she did pluck me out of the Atlantic two years ago. Of course, if it weren't for her upcoming wedding I wouldn't have been in that position to begin with. I have never been that eager to leave a carrier for any reason before. That would've been no different. Especially with a storm on the way and Tuna and Skates there with me. I know I would've stayed put.  
  
The knock on my door brings me back to the present, its Sturgis. I wave him in. "Hey Harm..." He's having a hard time deciding what to say to me. I'll save him the trouble.  
  
"Could you close the door behind you? What's up?"  
  
Sturgis lightly shrugs his shoulders, "Thought maybe you could use a hand carrying your stuff out".  
  
I smile; at least he's trying. No one else has had the guts to come in here since I tossed my cover to Tiner and retreated back into my office. "Thanks. How was your tour of the Jimmy Carter?" Sturgis has been out in San Diego for the past three weeks trying a case out there against a Lieutenant who drove a loading crane over the edge of the pier and smacked it into the hull of the Jimmy Carter. He was high, smoking marijuana at the time. Sturgis left the day after Bud's replacement council managed to clear him of his defense of Lieutenant Dunkin and only returned a few days ago to learn the news about me, Mac, and my retirement. And right now, he's hesitant to tell me about his trip. "You can tell me now or I can read about it in tomorrow's paper. It's not exactly classified information."  
  
Sturgis sighs, "He's getting five years in the brig, the Jimmy Carter's paint job is ruined, and I've just found out one of my best friends is leaving the Navy."  
  
"Not voluntarily."  
  
"I know. Do you want me to talk to the Admiral?"  
  
What's he going to say that I haven't already? "No, its over Sturgis. He shit canned me."  
  
"So where to now?"  
  
"Vacation." Both of Sturgis' eyebrows shoot up, that's not what he expected I take it. "I going to spend a few days with Mom and Frank. Then I'm going to Grandma's."  
  
"And after that?"  
  
"I don't know yet. I'm hoping for some clarity by then."  
  
"You ready?" Sturgis asks opening the door before picking up two of the boxes.  
  
"No, but I have to be don't I?" Sturgis walks out first and waits for me. I grab the last box, take one last look around, and shut the door. Drawing even with Sturgis, we walk out together. I can see Mac in her office, she knows I'm leaving, but she can't even respect me and what I've done for her enough to look me in the eyes. Several people have come up to say their good byes, but not her.  
  
"Sir?" Sturgis and I both turn around. Its Jen, wringing her hands in front of her.  
  
"Sturgis, could you give us a moment?"  
  
He nods, "I'll be over by the elevators".  
  
Jen watches him duck behind the corner, he won't eves drop, nor will he let anyone else. When she looks at me I can see the shiny look of unshed tears in her eyes. She's taking several deep breaths to compose herself. "Sir I just want to say what... what an honor it was to serve with you. You are the one of the few people who have ever cared about me, about my decisions." As she goes on about our relationship and the things she says I did for her, I can feel the tears building in my own eyes. I haven't cried since I was assured Bud was going to live. I haven't been this touched in so long, a simple thank you from Jen and I'm ready to turn on the water works. Yeah I know, not in my nature, but this on top of me in the act of walking out of JAG for the last time is too much to deal with. Mac has never thanked me, I've gotten a few thank you's from all the people I've ever helped over the years, but never from her. Those examples I cited earlier? Not one thank you for any of them. As far as partners go, Meg was by far the best at it. I'd thank her too, it usually took me a little while, but it was always heartfelt and sincere and she knew it. Jen's tears have fallen by the time she finishes. As we embrace, I can feel my own tears rolling onto her face and she laughs lightly.  
  
"Jen do me a favor?"  
  
"Anything sir."  
  
I pull out my handkerchief, wipe my eyes, and hand it to her to wipe the tears from her own face. "Call me Harm." Jen smiles, "You have my number, and you know where I live. If you ever need anything, even if it's just someone to talk to promise me you'll look me up okay?"  
  
"Of course I will... Harm." Her smile matches mine as she hugs me again, gives me a kiss on the cheek, and lets me rejoin Sturgis at the elevator.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"I'm fine." I will be fine. Not today and not tomorrow, but someday I will be fine. Its a quiet ride elevator ride down, Sturgis is being great about all of this. I'd rather not talk right now; I need time to sort some things out in my head.  
  
"You want these up front?" Sturgis asks, opening the passenger door.  
  
"No put them in the trunk." My vette doesn't have a lot of trunk space, but it'll fit these three boxes in it. Sturgis slams the trunk shut as I put my box in.  
  
"So..." Sturgis is shuffling his feet, he doesn't want this to end, I don't want it to end, but it must.  
  
"Sturgis?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Don't be a stranger. Stop by anytime".  
  
Sturgis breaks out into a small smile. "Sure".  
  
"I better go, I'm sure you've got things to do."  
  
"Nothing that's more important than this. Take care Harm, I'll see you soon."  
  
"You too buddy." Sturgis shakes my hand, but pulls me into a hug anyway. After a brief moment, we pull away. I drop down into the vette and Sturgis waves as he watches me drive off.  
  
0116 ZULU  
VIETNAM WAR MEMORIAL  
ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA  
  
"Hey dad. Happy Birthday." I finally got around to unpacking my boxes three hours ago and then ate dinner. Mac stopped by and dragged me to the hospital. She said Webb wanted to see me. Of course, the first words out of his mouth proved that she'd lied to me. I played it off, but I was pissed, what the hell did she bring me here for? To gloat, to watch the two of them flirting with each other in front of me? She managed to thank Webb for what he endured for her. She has yet to thank me at all. And Webb, all he can say is 'wow'? Son of a bitch can't thank me either. After watching the two of them together, I just left. I went to see Catherine's mother, but she was asleep so I left her be. For the best really, don't need to lead the poor woman on any more than she already is. Finally, I was getting so bored waiting for Mac that left her there and I took a cab here. Thought I'd spend a little quality time with dad. You know, had he made it back home we'd be celebrating his 62nd birthday next week. June 10th, that was his birthday. I remember the picture I drew for his last birthday we celebrated when I was five. It was a picture of him and his plane. Dave raved about it all day, I felt ten feet tall. Dad took it with him when they shipped out October 13th, his second tour on the Tico. They sent the picture back along with the rest of his personal effects a week after he was shot down. Mom still has it around somewhere, but I haven't seen it in over 12 years.  
  
He did what I asked him to do. He watched over me, maybe I should have been a little more specific about what I wanted. Sadik's head on a plate and chance to kiss Mac before Webb showed up would have been nice. The wall is cool as I lean my head against it. I've got to stop thinking like this; Mac's made her choice. We'll both have to live with it. It shouldn't have surprised me like it did that Mac's superstitious. Based on the evidence I'd say she's a walking black cat. The low blow was the comment about her past relationships. She didn't deserve that. Other than the conversation in front of the taxi to the airport, the worst for me was when she listed the things; I'd done to get to Paraguay. While she was rattling them off, all I could think about was Mic Brumby. Gave up his job, his country, and moved, 5,000 miles to be near her. I'd become Mic Brumby, and I can't tell you how ill that made me feel. At least he got to sleep with her; I didn't even get a thank you.  
  
"What do you think Dad, should I become a civilian lawyer or find some alligators?" I can almost hear him laughing at that. I wonder if I should move back home. There's plenty of opportunity in California. I could always test the waters at the CIA or FBI too, become a lawyer for them. At least I'd still be serving my country that way. I don't think I would like defending the scum of the Earth in civilian court. I remember what Manetti said about it, how she needed to join up with the Navy after Kemper. How long would I last in that circus rink?  
  
0006 ZULU  
HARM'S APARTMENT  
  
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA  
FIVE DAYS LATER  
  
Sturgis just looks at me in question, "What did you do?"  
  
"I'm sure he just wants to yell at me for everything I did down there."  
  
"Or thank you." Not likely, no one else has.  
  
"Doubt it."  
  
"So how's your folks?" I just got back today from a three day visit out there. I told both of them as much as I could. I think part of mom was somewhat relieved I was out of the Navy and far away from the Tomcats. The rest of her was mad at Mac, I don't blame her for that. She's just trying to protect her son from being hurt as always. If she feels Mac hurt me, and she did, then mom isn't going to like her anymore. I didn't tell her everything, just that we wouldn't be dating. Moms can sense their child's pain. I'm sure of it. Strange for someone to like and then dislike someone they've never met before like that.  
  
"Good, they're good. Mom says hi."  
  
"Send her my regards would you?"  
  
"Sure, oh that reminds me." I get up, head to the freezer, and pull out a bag. "She wanted me to give these to you."  
  
Sturgis takes the bag and looks inside. "Chocolate covered peanut butter balls!" Mom makes them, they're one of Sturgis' favorites and one of his few vices. Sturgis offers me one, but I have to decline. I ate way too many of them at home.  
  
"So how's the Admiral treating you these days?"  
  
"Like a incompetent child." He's a fool, Sturgis is a seasoned pro who happened to have an ass for a client who made a stink about his attorney as a last ditch stunt to stay out of the brig. Sturgis has also retracted his offer to talk to the Admiral for me, I don't blame him for that.  
  
"Can I give you some advice?"  
  
Sturgis takes a swig of his water. "Sure".  
  
"You have to watch your own back. Those people in there... there's two kinds; those who are unable to help you." If I had to name names, I'd say that's Bud and Harriet. "And those who won't help you." That's the Admiral and Mac. Years ago I'd never have had a reason to say that. Both of them would've bent over backwards for anyone, but not anymore, and not for a long time. Both of them are no longer willing to risk everything for someone else unless it affects them personally. Sturgis looks shocked, and he should be, but if he'd look closely enough over the events of the past two years, he'd see the truth in it. "I mean it Sturgis, don't be like me. You could be the next JAG if you keep your nose clean and stay on the straight and narrow."  
  
"I think Mac'll beat me there buddy."  
  
"With her record, not a chance." It's unfortunately all too true for her. A Senate committee would never overlook her article 32 hearing, her Admiral's mast, her affair with Farrow, and her gross misconduct after looking through that mishap report to even consider promoting her to General. Yeah, I've got a lot of crazy shit on my record too, Captain Johnson among others called it colorful. But I'm a decorated war hero, of two different conflicts no less and have seen action in others, that sort of thing tends to stand out in peoples' minds. I probably would have made Admiral. That's why Sturgis could go all the way, he's been decorated and has the clean record to go along with it.  
  
"Harm that's not true."  
  
"No? How many times have I gone to the mat for my clients and my friends? And look what it got me."  
  
Sturgis waves me off, "Not that, I mean our friends. They'd all be there to help."  
  
"Name one besides you who's even bothered to help me lately?"  
  
"I know one."  
  
"Who Mac?" What are you thinking Rabb? Yeah she really stood up for you in the Admiral's office didn't she?  
  
"No, Petty Officer Coates." That makes sense; she's got more guts than most anyone at JAG.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah she told the Admiral how unproductive she thought it was that he let you go."  
  
"Who told you this?"  
  
"I saw her do it late one night." I can feel the smile coming to my face. Nice having someone like Jen in my corner.  
  
"Speaking of Mac, what's going on with the two of you?"  
  
Normally I'd side step this topic, but not today. Today I'm going throw it all out there. "What do you really want to know Sturgis?"  
  
He looks a little embarrassed to be asking this. "Are you dating now?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Were you ever?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Did either of you want to."  
  
"Yes." That doesn't seem to surprise him as much as I thought it would, and he's waiting for me to continue. "Both of us at various times, but not at the same time."  
  
"So, why haven't you worked it out? I'd think after saving her life the two of you would come to an understanding."  
  
Oh we came to an understanding alright, but it wasn't pleasant. "Sturgis have you ever gotten to a point with a woman that you didn't understand your relationship anymore?"  
  
"What?" Yeah I guess that didn't make a lot of sense to me either.  
  
"Mac and I... we've been friends for so long, she's one of my best friends. And at some point it seemed like becoming a couple was simply the next logical step in our relationship. But we've been at that point for so long that I think its hurt us instead. It seemed only natural that we would progress into something more, but we haven't and I think that says something about us. Does that make any sense?"  
  
"Yeah, some I guess. So if waiting this long hurt the two of you, was there ever a point where you thought a relationship like that would have worked out?"  
  
That's easy, "Before I tried to make a career out of flying again. That's when we were the closest."  
  
"So why didn't it?"  
  
"I was seeing someone and I guess I was a little more ignorant back then than I am now."  
  
"And what's keeping you apart now?"  
  
"Various things. We both want to be in control for one."  
  
"That's something almost everybody can claim Harm."  
  
"Fine, I tend to get obsessive about things like flying, JAG and my father, she has issues with trust, her past, and the men in her life."  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"No, but it's a good sampling. There's a reason why we haven't gotten together and as much as it hurt I'm glad we've come to that conclusion. We can both move on from here."  
  
"I take it from your last statement it was her idea."  
  
"Yes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't the right one. I can see that now."  
  
"Sounds like your just giving up." That's bullshit, I don't give up. I just know when to pick my battles and this isn't one I can win.  
  
"And what would you suggest I do? Fight to win her back, to make her see it my way? No, she made a choice and to be honest it's actually quite liberating."  
  
Sturgis shrugs, "Well if it helps you, then I'm glad for you buddy."  
  
1524 ZULU  
DEPUTY DIRECTOR KERSHAW'S OFFICE  
CIA HEADQUARTERS  
LANGLY, VIRGINIA  
  
Is this guy for real? What else do I do? He knows damn well I was pilot before anything else. Actually, he's pretty damn clever. He knows I'll rise to this bait. I ooze pride about being a fighter pilot as much as the next guy and he knows I won't hesitate to tell him all about it. A fighter pilot's ego is big target; I can't fault him for going after it. "Well I'm sure you're well aware that I was a Naval fighter pilot as well."  
  
"You want to fly? We're always looking for good pilots."  
  
"I'd be interested if such a position was available." Interested, hell I'd jump at the chance.  
  
"And if I told you there was?"  
  
"Then I'd say yes."  
  
Kershaw simply sticks out his hand, "Welcome aboard Agent Rabb". Now that's going to take some time to get used to.  
  
"Thank you sir."  
  
"Catherine here will get you started on the paper work and your security clearance." I suppose his job's over now. "If you need anything let me know."  
  
"Thank you again sir." Catherine leads me out of his office and down the hallway before I stop her. "Thank you for doing that for me." I understand why she pushed me as hard as she did back there to get me in. Kershaw was going on her recommendation. If I don't play ball it makes her look bad in front of him, but that didn't factor into my decision. I'm glad I resisted their efforts for a while. I'm just not cut out for wet work. Lord knows how much of it they would have had me doing if I hadn't taken a stand on the issue. At least now, I have some protection from Sadik as well. The CIA will know if he's a threat to me long before the Navy would have.  
  
Catherine turns and smiles at me. Great smile. "Anything for my darling husband." Catherine continues down the hall, I think she likes the sound of that as much as I do.  
  
After I finished my paper work Catherine brought me to see Webb again. She wanted to tell him the good news. I was little irritated when I found out he got his old job back, lucky bastard. How can he screw up everything and get his old job back when I can do everything right can't get the same? However, Clay was good enough to welcome me into the CIA. We talked about what I'll be flying. I damn near drooled over the list of planes they want me to be familiar with. Some were boring tanker and cargo planes, but some of them were skunk works planes and host of fighters. I can't wait to climb into the new Joint Strike Fighter and even though it is Air Force, the Raptor's going to be a lot of fun to fly. I can't wait to start my flight training. I'm going to look up Keeter and let him know what's going on, Sturgis too. I'll let Webb tell Mac if he wants to. I'm sure he'll tell her about Catherine too.  
  
"Why don't you kids leave me here and go out and enjoy your honeymoon?" Catherine and I look briefly at each other before locking eyes on Webb.  
  
"What?"  
  
Webb's face breaks out into a big smile. "You need to get better at lying Rabb. You're terrible at it."  
  
"I don't know..."  
  
Webb holds up a hand as he interrupts, "Save it Harm, when I heard that Catherine's mother was here I paid her a visit. She told me all about how her daughter had married this wonderful Naval Commander. And since I didn't know Catherine had been seeing anyone, I asked who that was. You can imagine my surprise when she told me it was you."  
  
"He did it to find you and Colonel MacKenzie." Catherine informs him.  
  
Webb scowls at me, "So the blushing bride didn't even get kissed on her wedding..." Clay trails off as he sees Catherine's deep blush setting in. "Oh never mind, it must have been a hell of a kiss." It was, it was a great kiss. Lots of promise in that kiss.  
  
"Yeah, well she turned down my idea of honeymoon."  
  
Catherine smiles at me, "Harm you offered me a cup of coffee".  
  
Webb immediately starts laughing so hard that he eventually grabs his side. "Get out of here you two before you put me in traction."  
  
Both of us get up to leave, but I can't resist one last poke. "I thought laughter was the best medicine."  
  
Webb just tosses one of his pillows at my head. Missed by a mile. "Out, both of you."  
  
Catherine takes my hand and drags me towards the elevator. "Come with me."  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"I'm going to cash in on that favor you owe me."  
  
"Already? Don't you think you should save it for a rainy day?"  
  
Catherine punches the button for the third floor, "Not when my mother wants to see you again."  
  
"She's feeling better?"  
  
"Some, but not enough to get her upgraded from serious condition."  
  
"Well the ceremony seems to have helped out her quite a bit." That was unbelievable to witness, how that kind of happiness in her life could bring her back from death's door like that.  
  
"I'd have your children Harm if that's what it took to get her out of here and back home."  
  
I can't help the enormous smile that brought out. "This from the woman who didn't want kids?"  
  
Catherine shakes her hips at me smiling, "I thought that's why God gave me these."  
  
Grabbing said hips I pull her close, when I feel her hands on my chest another thought comes to mind. "Um, exactly how are we going to explain your absent ring? I can't order Bud around anymore."  
  
"Oh, thanks for reminding me", Catherine pulls back and digs through her purse producing a diamond ring with a rock on it big enough to choke a horse. Where did she get that? "Now remember you felt compelled to get me a better ring after the ceremony alright?"  
  
"Where did you get that?"  
  
"It belongs to the company." Good lord, I don't want to know how they got it. "Oh and something for you too." Catherine produces a pair of gold wedding bands. She grabs my hand before I can think to say anything, "With this ring, I thee wed". Feeling that ring slide on to my finger is... I don't what the word for it is. A bit odd and out of place perhaps, but I like it. I didn't have a ring before. We could be out of sight, but this ring would remind me of her presence in my life. I really like this. I like it a lot.  
  
"I wanna do that." Catherine was about to put her own ring on. "With this ring I thee wed." The band slides on like a dream over her slender finger. Her hand's trembling; I think she's feeling it too. I wouldn't mind waking up to this kind of dream every day of my life. "Is it me or did Bud's vows really suck?"  
  
Catherine shakes her head, "Way to kill the mood Harm". She was expecting a kiss.  
  
I've got her around the waist and close to me before she can even react to it. "I'll show you the mood." It's more of a brushing of lips before anything else, her arms move up around my neck, and we've only begun the kiss when the doors open up and we have to break away.  
  
"We'll have to table that for now, come on." Catherine takes my hand and leads me down the hall. They've moved her mom since the last time I tried to visit so I'm willing to let her lead and not just to her mother. I can let someone be on top if I want to. Dad, its me again, and this time I'm going to be specific about what I want. As always, I'm asking you to watch over me. I have no idea what kind of crazy stunts the CIA's going to ask of me. With their attitude towards helping agents in trouble, I may need all the help I can get. Lastly, help me find my way with this woman. She's really starting to mean something to me dad and I don't want this act we're about to put on for her mom to be one forever. In the past few days, my life's done a 180. My emotions have ranged from sheer depression to one of elation. This path's a bit unstable at the moment, but I'm determined to make the best of it. 


	3. A Day Spent With Friends

1713 ZULU  
ROBERTS RESIDENCE  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"Hey there." I'm currently sitting on the couch at Bud and Harriet's house. I've only recently gotten back from my little adventure over North Korea and I've been promised at least the next week off. Harriet has little James in her arms and she bringing him over for me to see him.  
  
"Here he is."  
  
"He's gotten so big." I've seen pictures of him when he was born. He was just a little tyke. This is the first time I've seen him in person. Looking closer, I can see he takes after Harriet more than Bud. "I think he's more of his mother's son."  
  
Harriet smiles at me, "There's a lot of my dad in James."  
  
"Well that's good stock to come from." Harriet beams at me. Roland Sims is a good and honorable man. James would do well to follow his example rather than his other grandfather, who is probably the biggest and loudest pompous ass in the country.  
  
"Would you like to hold him Harm?" I'm glad she doesn't call me sir. Although to be honest, I don't mind being called Commander at work.  
  
"Absolutely." Harriet transfers him over to me, James fusses a bit, but then he settles back down, wrapping his tiny little fingers around one of mine. If this were my son, I think my shirt would be busting at the seams around my chest with pride. I have a feeling that I'd be the typical, brand new daddy. Proud as hell of his kids and not afraid to show it. Its a reality I'd like to wake up to sooner than later. Harriet settles on the couch next to me as I glance over at her. "So Kirk, huh?"  
  
Harriet rolls her eyes, "Yeah, don't me started on that either".  
  
"I'm just surprised Bud was able sneak that past you."  
  
"It wasn't hard, after he showed me what the name meant I went along with it. I never put the two together."  
  
"Why not give him Mikey's name?" Mikey is James' Godfather. I assumed they were going to use his name as a middle name for James like they did with me for little A.J. I was honored tremendously that they chose Harmon for his middle name.  
  
"Well, I got to pick A.J's middle name, we both picked Sarah's, I figured I'd let him have this one on his own."  
  
I held him for another twenty minutes or so before Harriet fed him and laid him down for a nap. "Would you like something to eat Harm"?  
  
This woman's got enough things to do without her feeding me on top of it. "Oh Harriet that not necessary."  
  
"Really? Cause I've got all this roast beef from last night that's never going to get eaten. Besides I heard your stomach rumble when I came back." I look down at my gut briefly, traitor. Gave Harriet all the opportunity she needed to mother me as well.  
  
"Alright, but I want you to sit down and let me take care of it."  
  
Harriet smiles back at me. I take it Bud doesn't do this too often if ever for her. "Okay." Pulling the roast beef out I only glance at it before setting it down and looking for the green beans Harriet claimed were in here too. I'm not the biggest fan of eating red meat. I prefer chicken and fish above anything else, but I sure as hell won't turn this down either.  
  
"Plates, plates..."  
  
"Second door to your right." Harriet points out for me.  
  
"You don't mind if we use the fine china do you?" I ask holding up two paper plates.  
  
"Well they aren't there for decoration." It doesn't take me long to have everything ready to go. I'm handy in the kitchen, I can cook a lot of things, and I'm not afraid to experiment with baking either. I know women love that about me. Every woman I've ever dated has told me so. Diane, Annie and Jordan were by far the most impressed. Looking at Harriet, its easy to see why. If Bud could make even one meal a week, it would take a lot of strain off Harriet. Women already have enough to do as it is. They're moms, wives, and working women. They're expected to keep the house in order; the kids cared for and have a career of their own on top of it. I don't know how mom ever managed to do it all.  
  
"What do you want to drink?"  
  
"A beer sounds good." At my surprised look Harriet continues, "Harm I haven't had a beer in ten months and I know there's a couple in the fridge."  
  
"I didn't say anything."  
  
"You were thinking it." Okay maybe I was. Last time I saw Harriet she was a big as a house. Proof of how much time has gone by since I was booted out of JAG.  
  
"You're going to make a wonderful husband someday."  
  
"You think so?" I ask, handing Harriet her plate. I'm a bit shocked, no one's ever told me that before. Though I've kinda wondered about it on occasion.  
  
"Yeah I do."  
  
Grabbing my plate and my own beer I sit down next to her on the kitchen island. "What makes you so sure?"  
  
Harriet smiles at me, "You're good with kids. You can cook and your apartment tells me that you like things clean and orderly."  
  
That's nice, but I knew all that already. "Harriet all that says is that I could run a day care center or a restaurant."  
  
"I wasn't finished yet. You have a great butt and you know how to kiss a woman too." Now I can feel the intense amount of blood rushing to my cheeks. I can't think of a response to anything she's just told me. Yeah we kissed on her wedding day, but... this...this is Harriet telling me these things! And now she's laughing at me. "Did that embarrass you Harm."  
  
"A little. I didn't think you noticed, um... those things about me."  
  
"I'm married not dead Harm. Every woman notices those things about you." So, Carolyn and Tracy... are you an idiot Rabb? Of course Carolyn noticed those things. She made it a point to stare at my ass in the Admiral's office and whenever she could afterwards. And I'm not entirely sure Manetti draped in towel in my hotel room in Venice was an accident either. I guess the only one left to wonder about is Meg and... well, we flirted often enough that I'm sure she did too.  
  
I cock an eyebrow at her, "Even after one kiss?"  
  
"That's all I needed." Hmm, its too bad others weren't that perceptive of me in the past.  
  
"Sir what are you doing here?" Nice to see you too Bud. Harriet and I finished eating about an hour ago. James hasn't woken up yet and Bud is walking through the door. He's obviously eating lunch at home these days. I haven't seen him since I joined up with the CIA and right now, I'm going to have some fun with him.  
  
"I'm trying to get Harriet to run away with me." Good, now I've got Harriet blushing and Bud's looking at me as if he's trying to decide if I'm serious or not. Come on Bud, would I really tell you if that was my intention.  
  
Bud smiles, "Hands off, you've got your own wife". Oh, well played Bud. Bud walks over and shakes my hand.  
  
"Yes how is Ms. Gale, or is it Mrs. Rabb now?" Wonderful, now Harriet's got a new topic to grill me about.  
  
"Its Gale thank you, and I haven't seen her in about four months, so I don't really know. I would think she's doing fine." That's not entirely true. We've called each other a few times. After we went to visit her mother in the hospital, we went out to dinner, then to my place and eventually we ended up in bed. Those wedding bands, the whole act of being married really turned us... and right now is not the time to discuss my love life. I need to steer the conversation elsewhere. "So Bud, I hear Mac gift wrapped your last big case for you." That was incredible, how can she... never mind. I guess I'm still not completely over the Admiral showing me the door and keeping Mac. Especially after I heard what she did. She keeps this up and she won't have to worry about making Colonel either.  
  
Bud sits down on the other side of me with a glass of orange juice in his hand. "I guess so sir."  
  
"It's Harm Bud, and why do you sound so sorry about that."  
  
"I didn't want Colonel MacKenzie to get in trouble like that."  
  
"You were doing your job Bud, it's not your fault that she screwed up."  
  
"I know, I just wish I could've gotten the guilty verdict without hurting the Colonel's career." Bud's crazy, the judge would've dismissed the case without that evidence coming to the court's attention. Now a traitor of the United States is in Leavenworth for the rest of her life. Mac should thank her lucky stars she didn't receive the death penalty. Admiral LaPort would've had her ass if his daughter had been scheduled for execution.  
  
"So what's going on at JAG Bud?"  
  
"I'm sure with your security clearance you know more than I do sir."  
  
"Yes, but that doesn't tell me what's going on outside the courtroom."  
  
Bud's debating if he should when Harriet jumps in. "Come on Bud, its been two months since I've been there either."  
  
"Well Commander Turner is struggling to fill JAG's basketball team for this season. After you and Tiner left there's only three guys besides him who are interested in playing."  
  
I'm going to miss those games. "I'll have to stop by his place and say hi."  
  
"And the Admiral still hasn't set a date for his wedding." There's an event I won't be attending. "You are planning to go aren't you sir?" Bud you're insane. Unless the Admiral begged me to come, which isn't going to happen, all the king's horses couldn't drag me there.  
  
"I don't think so Bud. Not after the way he threw me out of there. Besides I doubt he'll be sending me an invitation anyway."  
  
"So what's it like working at the CIA sir?" I was wondering how long he'd go before asking me that.  
  
"CIA? I don't work for the CIA." One of our security personnel told me about Bud's persistent calls to Langley trying to reach me. "And don't even start asking about aliens and UFO's." Harriet's doing her best not to laugh and trying to hide it from Bud as well.  
  
Bud shakes his head grinning, "Of course you don't sir, and I won't". Bud's laugh dies quickly, he wants to ask me something, but he's hesitating... I know what he's about to ask. "Do you miss it?"  
  
Well close enough. "What JAG?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Parts of it I do."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"The people who work there mostly. Some good friends there."  
  
"I miss having you around sir."  
  
"Anyone else?" Well that's... what, petty? I don't know what the word I'm looking for is. I guess I'd like to know who my real friends are.  
  
"Petty Officer Coates and I'm sure Commander Turner misses you too even though he claims he's been too busy." Bud's tone of voice when he mentions Sturgis tells me that he's still mad at Bud. I wonder when that's going to end.  
  
"But not Mac." When Bud bows his head, I know I'm right. It wasn't that hard to guess considering the message she left for me on the answering machine. She said, 'Bud's trying to get a hold you give em' a call would you.' Or something to that effect. "She told you that didn't she?" His head falls even a little further yet.  
  
"I believe she used the word unpleasant when referring to you sir." Incredible. I thought we were all adults here. Friends for eight years, saved her life a half dozen times and she can only refer to me with a negative connotation.  
  
"Don't worry about it Bud. Its not that big a deal."  
  
Bud's head snapped up so fast I think he probably strained something in his neck. "How can you say that sir? She's one of your best friends and now she doesn't even miss or even like you. How does that work?"  
  
"I wish I knew, but here we are. I've got to make the best of it and move on."  
  
2341 ZULU  
ONE BLOCK FROM COMMANDER TURNER'S APARTMENT ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA  
  
"He shoots, he scores!" My last jumper from 24 feet was as smooth as silk and I've soundly thumped Sturgis 20 to 12. Sturgis retrieves the ball; he can't serious about playing again. I've just beaten him three games in a row.  
  
"Gonna miss that jumper in our league this year."  
  
"Gonna miss playing this year, even though I hear you've been too busy to miss me." Sturgis frowns at me, I'm sure he knows who I got that from. Sorry Bud.  
  
"My case load has more than doubled since the Admiral tossed you aside. He still hasn't brought in another senior officer. Basketball and running have become my only outlets from insanity."  
  
"He really hasn't brought anyone else in? Why the hell not, its been months now."  
  
Sturgis just shrugs his shoulders, "With you and Tiner gone everyone's got a lot more work to do and it's going to be tough to field a team this year losing two guys like that."  
  
"I'm sure you'll do fine, besides the MP's lost Davis this year."  
  
Sturgis' eyes bug out, Captain Davis is the Marine Captain of the Guards, and he has some serious hops. He can dunk, drive hard to the hole, he has a good fade away jumper and can handle the rock as well as anyone. "When did this happen?" He's excited, and he should be. This really levels the playing field between the top two teams.  
  
"Just before I left JAG to go after Mac."  
  
"With him gone..."  
  
"You're going to clean up."  
  
"Well we would if you were still with us. It'll be a lot tougher now."  
  
"I'll come and watch if I can." Sturgis practices his crossover a few times before draining a 15 footer. "You don't want to go again do you?"  
  
Sturgis laughs, "No, I don't think you can be stopped tonight. You're too hot right now." That's part of it, but he's not focusing on the game like he normally does. I can beat Sturgis three games in a row, it's happened before. He's done the same to me too. But neither of us has won by the point spreads I've beaten him by today. The games are usually much tighter. Sturgis grabs the ball and throws it in his bag. "Wanna have a beer at my place?"  
  
"Sounds good so long as I can shower first."  
  
"Hey, mi casa es tu casa."  
  
"She called me a coward." It didn't take long to crack Sturgis and he's just finished telling me about his latest case and what Mac said to him at the end.  
  
"I'm..."  
  
"Don't even think of saying that you're sure she didn't mean it, she did." Well if he'd let me finish.  
  
"Of course she meant it. Mac doesn't say things like that unless she means them. Look at it from her side; she lost the case, her client's going to plead guilty, and Major Spain's going to be walking away from this with his career intact. Of course she's gonna be mad."  
  
"I think she's just pissed at me because I wouldn't cut her client a break and haven't forgiven Bud yet." I'm not sure how to feel about that. I'd like them to make up, but Sturgis is one of my oldest friends. I'm not going to tell him what to do, even if he asked for it.  
  
"You did the right thing."  
  
"I know that, I just..."  
  
"You just what?"  
  
"It felt like I was acting like Singer would have."  
  
"Sturgis... Singer wasn't that bad." Sturgis takes this moment to stare at me with this dumbfounded look on his face. I'm sure anyone and everyone else who knew her would too. "Look, Singer did whatever it took to win. It was her methods we didn't agree with, not her intent. At the very least I had to admire her for that, she knew what she wanted and she went out and got it."  
  
Sturgis chuckles, "Harm, only you and Harriet could find something good to say about Loren after all she'd done."  
  
"Look, all I'm saying is that you didn't do anything wrong. If Mac doesn't like what you said, too damn bad. You had a case to win and you did have justice on your side. That Marine had a job to do."  
  
"Could you have killed him? Cause, I don't think I could have."  
  
"Like you said, you're not a Recon Marine, you never were. Back then your MOS was to track ships and subs at sea. You launched missiles at targets during the Gulf, hand to hand combat isn't something you had to worry about doing."  
  
"I asked if you could have done it." That's the lawyer in him, I side step the question, he throws it back at me.  
  
"I probably would have captured him and then thought of something.  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"I don't know, maybe I would have knocked the kid unconscious, untied him and slipped away. Besides I've done far worse in a Tomcat."  
  
Sturgis mulls over that answer a bit as I take a swig of my beer. Shit, I didn't mean to tell him the last part. "Harm every time you've dropped a bomb on a building or I've launched a missile we've killed civilians. It's war, innocent people die during war. Its shitty, but that's the way it works."  
  
"It wasn't like that."  
  
Sturgis looks confused, "Then what?"  
  
"When we were in Libya. My wingman and I... this is about a week after I downed that MIG and crippled the other. So I was still pumped and itching for another fight." Sturgis leans in, I've rarely told this story before, but I think he needs to hear it. "Anyway so there's this convoy of trucks moving along this dirt road. Now there's four trucks carrying soldiers, but mixed in with them are two buses, but we can't see what's in them."  
  
"School buses?"  
  
"No... regular buses, you know, like Grey hounds?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"So while my wingman provided air coverage I flew down to intercept. My first pass destroyed the last two trucks and probably killed everyone in them. The bus closest to the rear was chewed up as well and stopped dead in the road. If the road had been straight I would've gotten them all on the first pass. So after that the trucks split off from the remaining bus, each going in opposite directions perpendicular to the direction they had been going." My hands are waving around as I try to explain this to him, but that's how pilots talk. We talk with our hands, its just easier that way. "I went after the trucks first and got them both on my next run. Then I went after the bus."  
  
"What's the problem with that?"  
  
"On the way there we passed over the first bus I hit, and I saw a woman in bloody clothes dragging a half grown child away from the door. The kid was dead."  
  
"You couldn't have known there were civilians in that bus. And who's to say they were all civilians anyway?"  
  
"You don't understand Sturgis."  
  
"What's to left understand?"  
  
"I went ahead and strafed the other bus anyway." Sturgis is quiet as he digests that. "And I did it even though I knew there were probably more civilians on it as well." I know I did the right thing, but that doesn't make living with it any easier. "But to answer your question, no, I couldn't have killed that kid either." I've got enough blood on my hands to last three lifetimes and then some.  
  
Sturgis is swirling the beer around in his bottle as he answers me. "You still did the right thing. That convoy was a target, every vehicle potentially housed the enemy."  
  
"I know, the Captain, the squadron CO, and the JAG aboard the Sea Hawk all agreed after they watched the gun camera footage."  
  
"Why did you tell me this?"  
  
"I don't know, maybe to prove that you were right. From a Tomcat, I can kill a kid too. A kid in a bus surrounded by soldiers is still a target, just like that kid who gave away the Marines' position. We do what we're capable of dealing with, but we have to do it. Some of us are capable of killing someone with a knife, and others aren't. That's why we chose to drop bombs and launch missiles."  
  
"Does it bother you?"  
  
"No, not really. I just hope that I never have to do something like that again."  
  
"But you would."  
  
"If it was necessary, yeah I would."  
  
Sturgis lifts his bottle, "To the hope that no more innocent kids will have to meet that kind of fate again."  
  
I connect with my own bottle. "I'll drink to that."  
  
0156 ZULU  
AGENT RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA  
  
I haven't done this in a long time. I've got this photo album I've kept over the years and I'm looking through it on my couch right now. It's not chorological; the pictures are grouped more by theme than anything else. I called Catherine when I got back from Sturgis' place, and she's coming over as soon as she can. On the table in front of me is my newest additions to the book. One's a picture of Beth and I standing next to our C-130. We're wearing Naval flight suits so no one could tell we're in the CIA. Its not exactly an unmarked C-130 anymore either. We named her "Emily" after Beth's girlfriend. I was more than willing to agree to that. Better than if she was straight and wanted to name the plane Ben or Tom or something worse. A plane should always have a female name. She takes care of you and you take care of her. It's a relationship. Most pilots do that. They latch on to a single plane; they name her, they talk to her, and they love her. The next is a picture from the cockpit of the Aurora. This was a battle to keep. Four different security personnel had to sign off on the picture I took during one of the training missions, saying that it didn't reveal anything about the plane. This picture's going in next to the picture of me and Meg in the Tomcat's cockpit we flew into Vandenberg on and ran into Mark Lowery. God that was a long time ago, I haven't thought about him in years.  
  
I can't describe what flying in the Aurora was like. They let me take her up as high as 145,000 feet. It's as close to getting into outer space as I'll ever get. That's why it's going in next to the picture of Meg and I. If anyone asks I was told to tell them it came from an SR-71. The picture was taken at 100,000 feet going mach 6. You can see the pitch black of space and the stars in it on top. Then the blue haze of our atmosphere and finally the Earth in the very bottom of the picture. So much for missing mach 2 in a Tomcat. Well I'd still like to get up in a Tomcat if I could. There's still nothing like the jolt of the catapult beneath me and thrill of catching the three wire on a rockin' and rollin' deck. She was my first love, that'll never fade away no matter how many times I climb into a Stealth or the Aurora. Besides, even if it could, the Aurora would never displace my love of the Tomcat with navigators like Andy in the back seat. There's a real difference between test pilots and combat pilots. Test pilots give up way too easily, they can always turn around and try again tomorrow. There is no tomorrow for combat pilots. You achieve your objectives or either you're a dead man or somebody else you were supposed to be covering is. We came to an understanding between the two of us after North Korea. I'm the pilot, I'll make the decision to abort or not, end of discussion. He didn't like it, but he doesn't have to, he just has to accept it. Accept it or move on.  
  
Catherine's knock has me nearly running to the door. "Somebody's excited to see me. I heard you running to the door."  
  
I can feel the easy smile coming to my face. "I wasn't running."  
  
"Sure you weren't." She smiles back at me knowing that I lied, but she kisses me anyway on her way to the kitchen.  
  
"Are you hungry, I could throw something together for you." I don't know what that would be though. I haven't had time to pick up anything since I've been home.  
  
"No I already ate, but thank you for offering."  
  
"What about something to drink?"  
  
"What do you have?"  
  
Opening the fridge, I can see how few options I really have. "Um, water, milk, I could make some coffee or tea. I've got a few bottles of Bud Lite left and there's a bottle of wine around here somewhere." Please don't ask for a beer, I've already drank two at Bud and Harriet's and three at Sturgis'. I need to cut back.  
  
"Some tea would be great, its getting cold out there."  
  
"Do you have a preference?"  
  
"Earl Gray if you have it."  
  
"A woman after my own heart, that's my favorite." I can only drink coffee until about noon, after that, it's barely tolerable. Besides, tea has a lot more caffeine in it than coffee does.  
  
Catherine wraps her arms around my waist from behind me. "You know I am." She leans into me and we stay like this for a moment. I want to turn around, but with her weight committed to my frame I can't move. I like this, but I want to hold her too. I finally get the chance as Catherine releases me and walks over to the island. Throwing the teakettle on the stove, I walk over to her and capture her in my arms. This feels so good, Catherine rests her head on my shoulder sighing, "I'm glad you're home".  
  
I can only turn my head to press a kiss to her temple, "So am I." I love the smell of her hair. She's got the best shampoo.  
  
"Commander O' Neil told me you ended up in a tight purple tank top." Catherine and I are on the couch now. Well I'm on the couch; she's straddling my waist. She still has her cup of tea in her hands so I can't move too fast or I risk second-degree burns. She's also trying to contain her laughter, I might be burned regardless.  
  
"I'm going to have to talk to her. We're not supposed to talk about our missions."  
  
"So you're not going to tell me what North Korea's like this time of year?" Where did she hear about that?  
  
"How..."  
  
"Harm they were launching SAM's at you. We needed to be ready with a legal response."  
  
"Meaning disavowing any knowledge of me or my activities." Catherine silently shakes her head in the affirmative while bowing her head. This isn't anything I didn't know before. Its odd how I've come to accept the Company's policy in that regard. Well let's rephrase; I accept it in regards to myself. But I won't leave my partner, whoever they might be, behind like that. Getting Beth out was a no brainer. I'd have gone a lot further for her. I use my finger to raise her chin. "Hey..." She looks so sad, well that and guilty. "Its okay. I understand, I do."  
  
"It was so hard going over what we prepared. 'We have no record of Harmon Rabb ever having worked for the CIA.' I've prepared a lot of those statements. But it was never for someone I knew and cared about before."  
  
I think she's about to cry. I manage to get the cup of tea out of her hands and onto the end table. "Hey, sweetie, come on..." Whoa, never called her that before, but the small smile on her face right now is worth it. "Its okay, I'm fine. I'm back home, in your arms..." Her smile's growing bigger and more beautiful by the moment. I don't think I'll be able to get enough of this woman. Which is fine, because the way she's kissing and grinding against me right now tells me she wants a lot more out of me.  
  
"I need..." She's a bit out of breath, but I still hear it. I don't care, she could be as needy as hell at this moment and I'd still give her everything.  
  
"Where?" Her gentle moan as my teeth capture her ear lobe is driving me wild.  
  
"Bed, in there... now... right now." Point for future reference. Catherine doesn't kiss and talk well at the same time. And what the hell are you complaining about moron? She's great in the courtroom and even better in the bedroom. Who cares if she can only do one well at a time? "Harm, your wife wants to go to bed now, right now." See? I knew I wasn't the only one who was getting into this. "Yes dear." Catherine's light as a feather. Its nothing to pick her up and carry her to bed. This has been a great day.  
  
1253 ZULU THE NEXT MORNING  
AGENT RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA  
  
"You've got to be kidding me? I just got back... no sir... yes sir. Yes sir, one hour. Goodbye". Fuck! I've been home a little over one day and I'm already being recalled.  
  
Catherine's hand slides over my hip as she snuggles up against my back. "You okay?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You have to leave don't you?"  
  
"Yes." Now we're in this silent pause and I'm not sure if its uncomfortable or not. "Don't you want to know where I'm going?"  
  
"I can always find out later. I'd rather discuss what we're going to do when you come home next time."  
  
I've got a few ideas and none of them have anything to do with cell phones, beepers or any other communications device that might split us up. "Tell you what, when I come back. We'll visit your mom then we'll take my plane and fly off somewhere for a long weekend. I know a couple spots just right for two people trying to get away for a romantic honeymoon."  
  
"Honeymoon?"  
  
"Don't you think its time we had ours?"  
  
"Yeah I guess we're way over due. Mom's even asked me when we were going."  
  
"Trying to get rid you?"  
  
"Trying to get grandkids I think."  
  
"We better keep her away from my mom. She wants the same thing."  
  
Catherine kisses the back of my neck and I turn in bed to face her. "You better go."  
  
"What about you?"  
  
"Call me when you can okay?"  
  
"I will."  
  
"Good, I'm going to take a shower." I can hear the water running from Catherine's shower. This could be my life you know. Married to a gorgeous, intelligent CIA lawyer, complete with house and... well, we'll see about the kids. In any case, domestic bliss has never seemed like such an obtainable goal before. Dad, you knew what that was like. A wife and kids, a family? I'm so close dad. Watch over her dad, I want her in my life. That sounds like something I said to Renee once. Scratch that dad; I need her in my life. Just get me through whatever crazy stunt the CIA wants and then bring me back home to her. I'll do the rest.  
  
Author's Note: Okay some of you may have problems with a) Harm and Catherine and where I'm taking them and b) The story I had Harm telling Sturgis. E-mail me and we'll talk about Harm and Catherine or anything else for that matter. As far as the story... back in season 5 when Harm told LT. Buxton that he called it lucky to never have to fire the guns in a strafing run. That just stuck with me for some reason. I figured there had to be a reason or an experience for Harm to be saying something like that. Normally fighter pilots want to get into the fight. So, I made up a scenario that I thought worked. Don't get me wrong; I think that innocent civilians dying in war like that is tragic, but unfortunately it's a byproduct of war. I doubt there will ever be a conflict with zero collateral damage. Anyway, let me know what you think, even if you want to burn me at the stake. 


	4. In Search of Potential Family and Old Fr...

Author's Note: First off, I'd like to say that I didn't end chapter 3 the way I wanted to. When I saw the previews for last week's episode I assumed it was Harm's baby based on Catherine's comments to him. Thus, I needed to quickly throw those two in bed together pronto. That's the last time I base a fic in this series on previews, but I'm not going to change the ending because of Harm's comments to Catherine's mother. I'm hoping this will explain the direction I took in that chapter to a lot of people. I never meant to get them together that quickly. Secondly, I don't believe Harm when he told Mac he wasn't mad at her. So there will be some fighting, brace yourself if need be. Lastly, I finally was flamed by a few people and that's awesome. All I ask is for the chance to explain my reasoning to you, so please have an e-mail address so I can respond and thank you for any feed back that's sent to me. I'm not going to retaliate against anyone who flames me. I'm grateful for both kinds of feedback and will treat both as such.  
  
One more thing, because I assumed it was Harm's baby I had the next chapter ready to go based on that premise. Of course, that episode had me scrambling to reformat the entire thing. I'm debating whether or not to post it. Let me know if you want to read it. If I get enough responses, I'll post it, or at the very least e-mail it to you. Okay, enough said. Just remember I'll take feedback of any kind.  
  
0050 ZULU  
CATHERINE GALE'S APARTMENT  
LANGLY, VIRGINIA  
  
"Harm? What are you doing here?" I'm not really sure myself. I came here straight from the airport after I put Sarah up for the night.  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
"Sure". Her apartment is small, but it has cozy atmosphere to it. "Can I get you anything?"  
  
"No thanks, I came here to talk." Catherine looks uneasy about that, I don't blame her. What man goes around asking pregnant women if they'd like to start something serious? Especially when they're not the father of the baby. "Can we sit down?"  
  
Catherine gestures to her couch, "Have a seat, I'll be back in a sec". Taking a seat, I'm thinking about what I want to say to her. I don't know if I should tell her about Maddie just yet. Being her legal guardian doesn't exactly make her family, but it was all I could think of. This way she gets to live her life, the way she wants to free from worrying about a dozen or so agencies that would threaten to take that away. She's in her teens, which means this will be a short-term thing anyway. I think I will tell her that I'm going back into the Navy. I called the Admiral on the way here, he told me to report in Monday morning. I'm hoping that I can at least get her consider the possibility of us.  
  
Catherine comes back with a shawl wrapped around her. It must be a pregnancy thing because I don't think its cold in here. "What did you want to talk about?"  
  
"I wanted to let you know that you were right." Catherine's eyes widen slightly, I think she thinks I came here to press her for a relationship. Apparently, an admission of guilt wasn't on her list of thing that I might say.  
  
"About everything or..."  
  
"About the instant family part, about the grasping for straws part." That was easier to say than I thought it would be, but it still hurts to admit to something like that.  
  
"Is this what you were talking about with my mom?"  
  
"Sort of." When her mom told me I didn't love her daughter, I was more shocked that she knew we weren't married than whether or not I loved her.  
  
"Then why did you ask me for a relationship? You know you could do better." I don't know about that at all.  
  
Now I'm staring at my hands, I can't look her in the eyes right now. I might crack if I do. "Because I liked being a part of your life, a part of your family. Even if it was only for one night." I probably sound like some kind of parasite latching on to them.  
  
"Why?" At my questioning glance, she clarifies for me. "You've probably got tons of friends that consider you like family."  
  
Not like her family, Bud and Harriet may be friends, but I'm not family. "I just wanted to be with people where I felt like I belonged."  
  
I can hear Catherine's sigh, she's probably getting more information than she wanted to hear or expected to hear. "Harm I'm sure the people around you have made you feel like..."  
  
"No!" I didn't even let her finish, I jumped off the couch, and now I'm pacing in front of her. She's going to get a lot more information now. "Don't you get it? Nobody wants me! People need me, but they don't want me." I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes, but I don't care. This has been a long time coming, but I refuse to cry in front of her. "Webb only uses me so long as I'm convenient for him. The Admiral asked me back to JAG because he needs me back, not because he wants me back. He'd let me crop dust for the rest of my life if he had that chance. Mac was over at my place because she needed a favor from me, not because she wanted to be there. People only tolerate me because they need me around. They don't want me for me or if they do, they only like small parts about me, never the whole thing." I really hope the look on Catherine's face isn't pity, I don't know if I could take that right now. Now I know how Jen felt on that Christmas Eve night. Admitting this is absolutely crushing and I feel physically and emotionally drained. "I'm sorry, I, I should just go." I never took off my shoes and it's only two quick strides to the door, but something keeps me rooted in place.  
  
"Harm please sit down." I comply, but I sit on the far end of the couch away from her. With my head buried in my hands, I can't see her, but I can feel her sliding closer to me. I can feel the tears falling into my palms as well. "Somebody in your past wanted you like that. If no one had then you wouldn't be reacting like this now because you wouldn't know what you were missing out on." Good, she isn't caving in to my emotional state. That would be a sure sign of pity. I'm sure rubbing my eyes isn't going to hide the tears, but I don't care.  
  
"It's been a long time since then."  
  
"Who was it?"  
  
"My girlfriend."  
  
"What happened that you aren't together now?"  
  
"She was murdered. She was all I ever wanted." Losing Diane nearly broke me. Thank God for Meg. She's the only one who kept me sane.  
  
Catherine waits for a moment; I think she's letting me collect myself. "Did you get the guy who did it?"  
  
"Eventually."  
  
"I suppose it was hard seeing him in court."  
  
"He's dead." Catherine remains very still for a moment. She thinks I did it, she almost right. "He died in freak accident, just before we could get him." That's mostly true. Mac showing up wasn't going to stop me. I only paused to see who it was calling my name. I was still going to put a slug in his head. When he took that fall off the pier, I didn't feel the need to tell Mac my intentions. I didn't want her thinking that I could be that cold. The man murdered the love of my life; I wasn't about to let that go. What the hell am I thinking? Of course I wasn't going to tell her, my lips were busy doing something else.  
  
"Why are you telling me all this?" I thought it was clear why I was doing this.  
  
"I'm just trying to lay it all out there for you." Maybe I should tell her about Maddie. If Maddie is my instant family then I don't need Catherine in that capacity and then our relationship would just be about us. "But I'm trying to take care of some of those things."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"The part about needing you to be my instant family."  
  
"Harm we both know that's why you asked me for a relationship."  
  
"Not anymore. You know that girl I worked for? Maddie?"  
  
Catherine nods, "I think you mentioned her to me".  
  
"Her mom died when she was ten, her dad ran off when she was 11. She's been running that crop dusting outfit of hers for almost three years now."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So I'm filing a petition to become her legal guardian."  
  
Catherine's eyes have grown so wide that it's almost comical. "Harm, what the hell were you thinking? Do you know what you're getting yourself involved in? This is exactly what I'm talking about, you're..."  
  
"Will you please stop and listen to me! Let me explain this to you." Catherine doesn't look pleased, but she's at least willing to let me have a crack at it. "First of all she's a good kid who deserves to have a normal life without having constantly look over her shoulder to see if some agency is going to take away everything she's worked so hard to build. She needs someone there to take care of her on the rare occasions when she doesn't want to be strong all the time. Besides, she's 14, in four more years she'll be an adult and on her own. Technically my responsibility for her would end there and right now I think we need each other."  
  
Catherine's still doesn't look convinced or amused. "One question, why?"  
  
"I told you why."  
  
"No, you told me why she needs you. Why are you doing this?"  
  
"I like the fact that she's someone who looks up to me. In a way she's like I was back then and I want to make the rest of her life a little easier than mine was. She's like a combination of a daughter and a little sister. She's someone I can influence for the better." It was amazing teaching her how to fly, well, letting her fly for now and the look on her face when we landed. She was so happy and I was so proud of her. It what I always imagined being a father might be like. Teaching your kids the various lessons in life and pride that you get from them and their achievements. "And I did it for you."  
  
Catherine's mouth drops at my last reason as I expected it would. "What?"  
  
"If Maddie is my instant family then I don't need you to be my family."  
  
"Oh..." She looks confused and little hurt I think. She might have taken that as I'm rejecting her when that's not the case at all.  
  
"Hey, don't get the wrong idea. I want you, but I only want you for you. Not because I need you to be my instant family."  
  
"Why?" Good lord, doesn't she know by now?  
  
"Because I think you'd make a great wife." There I said it, and it was easier than I thought it would be. I've never told anyone my intentions like that before. Mac said she liked guys who do that. I'm assuming Catherine might too... and she still hasn't said anything yet.  
  
"What?" I'm getting tired of those one-word answers of hers.  
  
"I'm serious Catherine, I'm getting too old to be wasting my time any woman who I think isn't wife material."  
  
"And how do you know I am? You barely know me."  
  
I'm sick of her saying that too. It makes us sound like strangers instead of the good friend she's become. "Let me tell you want I know about you. You're a beautiful, intelligent woman. And even though you could have make a ton of money being a civilian lawyer, you chose instead to serve your country the only way you knew how. You love your family, enough so that you would fake a marriage to a man you hardly knew at the time if you thought it would help your mother find peace. You're strong; you're willing and able to stand up to me and tell me what you think. Oh, and you're pregnant. Everything else I thought I could learn along the way." I know I'm making this difficult for her. If she says yes, she's not doing what she might think is right for her. If she says no, she might feel guilty about kicking me when I'm down. Then again, I don't want to make this an easy 'no' answer for her either.  
  
"Did you say you were going back to JAG?" I just nod to her. She's changing the subject, but I don't have the energy to fight it. "What made you go back? The Admiral may need you back, but that doesn't mean you had to. I thought you were happy crop dusting."  
  
Looking at her, I can't identify the look on her face. "I'm happier at JAG. It's where I can make the biggest difference." I am, I will be happier at JAG. I love the Navy. This will let me climb back into Tomcats and protect me from Sadik. He's still out there, I haven't forgotten that. I'm grateful to be getting back a part of what I risked to bring Mac home. Catherine mulls over that for a moment. I have no idea if that's going to make a difference to her... "Why did you come over to my place?" This just hit me and I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Earlier, when you told... when you showed me that you were pregnant. Why did you come over? I'm not the father." Although I've actually found myself, wishing I were and she still won't tell me who it is. "And like you said; we barely know each other so why did you come to me?" This is going to be interesting to hear.  
  
Catherine's facial expression doesn't disappoint. She starts and stops several times before composing herself. "I guess you're right about a few things too. We do know each other better than that." Finally, she admits it. "I came to you because I value your opinion." Spoken like a true lawyer, taking neither one side nor the other. "I don't have many friends and you're one of the few I can trust." Wonderful, now I'm going to get a 'Lets just be friends.' line. Even though I've rarely heard it, I hate that line. You know, I actually had these irrational hopes that she'd say she wanted my opinion or even me. "Harm, I know where you're trying to take this, but have you figured out what it is that you want yet?" Yes! Good Lord, what the hell have I been talking about all this time?  
  
"Yeah, a wife, couple kids I guess. I'm glad I'm getting another chance to serve my country, but I want some stability in my life. No more big radical life changes." That's been my life for the last six months, radical life changes. Quit the Navy, rescued Mac, destroyed stingers, asked to take a hike by the Navy, picked up by the CIA, flew a pile of missions for them risking my life a dozen or more times in the process, canned by the CIA, crop dusted for a 14 year old of whom I'm going to become her legal guardian, and asked back into the Navy. I guess I've come full circle.  
  
"Lets talk about that. A wife; what about Colonel MacKenzie, how come you don't want her?" Why does she want to talk about her? All this is going to do is drive Catherine away and stoke my anger at Mac. I wasn't aware of any look she gave Catherine. Maybe that's part of what's scaring her off.  
  
"I did, and if she came out and said she wanted me I probably would again." Brutal honesty. I'm too tired to lie, or lie well right now.  
  
"How do you know she doesn't?"  
  
"She told me so. She said we were never going to work out."  
  
"So how come it didn't?"  
  
"I don't know, I thought my actions in Paraguay would have been enough to tell her how I feel about her."  
  
"Harm if you cared for her..."  
  
"No Catherine, if I only cared about her I wouldn't have gone Paraguay, I wouldn't have resigned my commission. If I cared about her I would've kept bugging the Admiral for information and stayed put like everyone else." And she would be dead now. "Don't you believe that actions speak louder than words?"  
  
"Maybe she just needs to hear the words." She didn't answer my question.  
  
"Catherine, by that token any asshole could lie to her at will and have her. What good are the words if you can't back them up?" Gotcha there didn't I? "And you still haven't answered my question."  
  
Catherine nods her head, "Yes Harm, I believe that actions speak louder than words".  
  
"Are you afraid that if you got into a relationship with me that you'd find out that I really wanted Mac more than you?"  
  
"That's part of it." Damn you Mac, you've not only ended my hopes of being with you, but every other woman who comes into contact with you. Catherine's just the newest name of a list of girls I've dated that've feared my feelings for Mac were more than professional. This is the first time that it hasn't been true and it's killing me. Its time to go, we've said enough, anything more is just going to be counter productive.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"Home. I think I've said enough for tonight."  
  
"Harm don't leave here mad at me."  
  
"I'm not mad at you, I'm just... saddened a bit. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad how I let my life become the mess that it is." Maybe a few months at JAG will clear up some things for me. "Catherine?" I'm putting my jacket back on, but I'm not going to go without telling her one last thing.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Mac and I are over. She's moved on, I'm trying to do the same, and I still want to make you a big part of my life."  
  
Catherine gets up from the couch with a little difficulty I might add and crosses over to me. "Tonight was pretty rough, and thank you telling me what you did. It couldn't have been easy."  
  
"I hear a 'but' somewhere in there."  
  
"I still need time to think. You need to talk to Colonel MacKenzie and find out what's going on there. I got that look for a reason."  
  
So, we're right were we started again. At least now, we understand each other better. "You need to do what's right for you, so take all the time you need. Mac and I don't talk much anymore, but I'll try for you."  
  
"That's all I ask."  
  
0214 ZULU  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA  
  
Opening up my elevator door I see a slender form in a trench coat that could only belong to Mac. She really is beautiful; its too bad things didn't work out differently. She's leaning over something and writing something else down on piece of paper I think. "Mac?"  
  
Mac quickly spins around. I must have startled her. "Harm, your home." By the tone in her voice I think she wanted to do this while I was gone.  
  
"Got nowhere else to go."  
  
"Um, the Admiral called me at JAG. Told me you were coming back, I was just leaving these files for you." That's what it was. There's three boxes of files sitting on the floor next the door. "The bulk of Commander Imes' old cases that need to be reviewed are in there. The rest are case files that we have yet to get at."  
  
"I see, and you were going to leave confidential cases files and other classified materials in a public place for anybody to go through?" The expression on her face tells me she didn't even consider that possibility. "If something would've happened to them, it would have been my ass." I'm sure she was just trying to avoid a confrontation. She used to have key to my place, but she turned it in when we got back from Paraguay.  
  
"I guess I wasn't thinking, long day." That's no excuse, but I'm not going to say anything. I have to work with her again; I need to play nice with her starting now.  
  
"Help me carry them inside?"  
  
"Sure".  
  
Unlocking the door, I grab two of the boxes and walk inside. Mac follows me in with the last one and shuts the door behind her. Flipping the lid on one of the boxes I pull out a stack of files. I work on these tonight; it'll be better than stewing in here thinking about Catherine and woman next to me. "Would you like something to drink? I've got water and water, unless you have the time to wait for tea or coffee."  
  
"Water's fine."  
  
"Interesting reading?" When I turned back from the fridge Mac was leaning up against my table flipping through one of the files I pulled out.  
  
"What? Oh, no this was the last case Carolyn tried against you." She waves the file around before setting it down. "Thanks." Mac takes the bottle of water and downs about a third of it.  
  
"Sorry I couldn't help you out with Imes."  
  
"That's alright, at least she isn't getting any brig time. Picking up the top few files off the stack, I sit down on my chair. When I look up Mac's staring at me intently. "Can I ask you something?" Oh please don't let this be another 'did you miss us, miss me, miss whatever' question.  
  
"Shoot." Mac takes the chair next to me and I'm feeling uncomfortable already.  
  
"In all the time we've known each other. When I defend a client, do I always use the conservative approach, take the safe position." This is even worse. Where in the hell did this come from? Most importantly, how do I tell her yes without hurting her feelings and getting her pissed off at me?  
  
"What?"  
  
"Do I take a safe position when I defend a client? Yes or no?"  
  
This is a bad idea, "Yes. Yes you do."  
  
"I win my share of cases."  
  
"You also plea bargain more than any one at JAG." Shut up Harm, you're already digging a hole for yourself.  
  
"I have to do what's in my client's best interests."  
  
"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it."  
  
"You didn't have to. You don't plea bargain, so any one who does is giving up in your book." I'm not sure how to feel about that. I don't remember caring about what she did in the courtroom.  
  
"I don't care what you do in court. Its not my reputation on the line so its not my problem or my concern."  
  
"Oh yes your reputation. Harmon Rabb controlled by his emotions and acts on impulse." Oh here we go. I can feel the fight building in me already.  
  
"Well when was the last time you staked anything more than your time on your client? Because I can't even think of a single one."  
  
The venom coming from Mac is almost as thick as syrup. "Your one to talk, when have you?" She's got to be absolutely fucking kidding me.  
  
"Your uncle would be a great place to start." Shit, that smarts; Mac slapped me so fast I never saw it coming. It feels like my left eyeball wants to pop out of my head and my cheek stings.  
  
"And look what it got him, twenty years in Leavenworth!"  
  
"Better than the life sentence your boyfriend wanted to hand him." Oh, don't tell me she forgot Webb wanted his head on a pike. "I've lost count of how many people owe their careers, their lives to me because I risked either my job or my life for them. I will not argue this point with someone who refuses to stick her neck out for anyone unless it affects her personally. Frankly, I don't know why in hell you're asking me this in the first place. You knew what my answer was going to be."  
  
"That's not important."  
  
Oh, wow. Now I know why. "Somebody told you that."  
  
"No one said anything of the kind." Liar.  
  
"Oh yeah they did." It wasn't Bud; he'd never do that. The Admiral wouldn't use words like that. He'd just yell at her ineffectiveness. "Sturgis told you that didn't he?"  
  
"We're not having this discussion."  
  
Mac gets up to leave and manages to take a few steps towards the door, but I can't help myself. "What did you do to piss him off like that?"  
  
Mac spins on her heel to face me. "Excuse me?" Give it up Mac, that super Marine pissed off look your giving me doesn't work anymore.  
  
"Sturgis doesn't say things like that out of the blue. This has been going on for awhile now if he said something like that and riled you up like this."  
  
Mac marches back to the table and stands over me. What are you going to do? Slap me again? "First of all it doesn't bother me, secondly it's none of your business."  
  
Whoa, this is really bothering her. "Yes it does, and he told you more than what you just told me. Otherwise, you wouldn't be getting this upset. What did he say to get you this mad?" Mac's only response is to glare at me. That isn't going to stop me. "I can always ask Sturgis on Monday, I know he'll tell me."  
  
"He called me sanctimonious and a prig." Hmmm, sanctimonious maybe, prig absolutely. Either way Sturgis is batting a thousand and currently has a death wish. Mac must have really irritated the shit out of him to drive him to that kind of resentment. "And you agree with him don't you?" What, because I don't have a snappy reply ready to go she automatically assumes I agree with him?  
  
"I would have just gone with priggish."  
  
"Your unbelievable."  
  
"Why? Because it's the truth? You know, you have done some crazy, stupid- assed things in your life Mac, but not once has anyone at JAG ever judged you because of them. How does straightening out your life give you the right to judge others? How many times have I stood by you? Even when you left JAG and came back, even when you lied to me when I was trying to defend you, even when you came into JAG drunk and insulted me and my entire life, including my father. Even after all that I was always there for you."  
  
"You're never going to let that go are you. Dalton had just died in front of me!" I'm not going to even argue that or her other supposed reasons.  
  
"That's not the point, even now after all these years you refer to me as unpleasant to be around to the people at JAG. You called Sturgis a coward? What happened to you to make you like this? I don't know how you can claim that all those messages were your way of trying to get in touch with me. They sounded more like commands from you. Seven different messages to call Bud?" Three were about their new baby, two more about the christening. The last five were about cases that I'd left open when I left. "I'll bet Jennifer is more responsible for getting my job back than you are. How am I to interpret that?" My anger is fading fast; I don't have the energy to sustain this fight. The truth is too depressing. "One of my best friends didn't even put up a fight to keep me at JAG." My voice has dropped to a whisper; I'm tired of the yelling. I'm tired of hurting her too.  
  
We've been sitting here quietly for about five minutes now. I can't believe she hasn't walked out yet. "Are we always going to be like this?"  
  
Unfortunately, I think so, but I'm not giving up willingly. "Hope not, I want my friend back. I miss her."  
  
"I've missed my friend too." Okay so we want our friendship back, now to make sure that's it and nothing more.  
  
"Do you love him?" Mac's flashing me the deer-in-the-headlights look. "Do you love Webb?"  
  
Mac stutters a bit, but she gets it out. "Yeah, I think I do."  
  
"Good, then hang on to him." I am happy for her, she deserves some happiness in her life.  
  
Mac looks so confused with my topic choice. "Why are you asking me this?"  
  
"Because I need to make sure there will never be an us. I need to know that when one of us tells someone 'we're just friends', that it's the truth." I was hoping this was going to be easy to say, but Mac looks unsure of herself when all I want is a definitive yes or no response. Her hesitation only serves to enforce the notion that there will always be something between us.  
  
Now she's frowning, "Does this have anything to do with Catherine Gale showing up at your door the other night?" I wish. That'd mean I'm a father.  
  
"Not exactly, but she's not going to enter into a relationship with me until she knows the thing between us is dead and buried."  
  
Mac's eyebrows nearly reach their peak. "Catherine Gale?" There she goes again. She's just found out and she's already questioning my choice in women.  
  
"Yes Catherine Gale, and not one question about why. Just be happy for me that I've found someone to build a future with." This is an empty request of course, I don't care if she's happy for me or not. I'm going to do what makes me happy. I'm done with trying to please everyone else in my life.  
  
"Then I'm happy for you." I'm not sure I believe her, but like I said, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm debating whether or not to ask her that we don't see each other outside of JAG, but I don't think I will. Catherine and I could use the time alone, well that is if she decides to give us a try, but Mac might blame Catherine if I did and get mad at her and that's not something I want regardless if Catherine says yes.  
  
"So I'll see you Monday morning?" We spent another half an hour talking things over. I really think we're getting somewhere.  
  
"Yep, bright and early." This feels good, our first steps towards rebuilding our friendship. I'm not going to get Mac in the romantic sense, but I'll settle for her friendship. Give me Sadik's head on a plate and I'll actually be happy about my little adventure to Paraguay. "See you later Mac."  
  
"Bye." She waves back as I shut the door. That's always a good sign and remarkable as well considering how we were fighting not long ago. Walking over to the window I make sure she makes it to her car as I've always done before. After she drives off I plop down on my couch, those files are staring me in the face, but I'm not going to touch them. I'm sure the Admiral is going bury my ass in work when I get to JAG on Monday regardless of how much I did over the weekend. I think I'll give Catherine a call on Monday as well to let her know where Mac and I stand. I'd call sooner, but she needs her time to think things through. Its early, I'd call Sturgis and ask him about that beer, but my guess is that he's swamped with cases right now. Doesn't matter, I've got a back up plan ready. Reaching over I grab the phone and dial a number that'll never be listed in any directory.  
  
"Hey, you got any good Air America stories handy?" 


	5. The Things We Do For a Daughter

Author's Note: Okay, so I'm running a little behind here. This chapter covers everything up through Posse Comitatus. As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated including the flames.  
  
2203 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
Yuck, I don't know why I keep trying the cafeteria's tuna melt. I've only had one bite and I've already had enough. I get it every time it's on the menu and every time I'm disappointed by it. Why do I even bother trying it time after time like this? I can see Sturgis in line getting his meal. I haven't seen him in two weeks. Today's Thursday, it took the Admiral two weeks to get sick enough from that flu Sturgis got on TAD. Fortunately, Sturgis spent enough time around the Admiral before he took a few days off. He finally gave into the illness and probably Meredith's insistence and stayed home. He put Mac in as our OIC. It's not like I expected him to give me his office after two weeks back. The nice thing about being back is that my security clearance is through the roof. My clearance is probably higher than the Admiral's and probably most other flag officers in areas concerning aviation and our development projects. I love being able to stick my finger into any pie I want and getting the information I need. The shitty down side to this is that I can't tell anyone or use the information in court if needed to "Hey Harm." Sturgis has just made it thought the line and he got the lasagna. Odd, usually he grabs the tuna melt as well.  
  
"Sturgis, how's it going?"  
  
"Everything's better now that I kicked that damn bug out of my system."  
  
"How long till you figure we get the Admiral back?"  
  
"I'd say five days, but he's stubborn."  
  
"So are you."  
  
Sturgis just laughs, "He's a SEAL."  
  
"And he's old." Sturgis keeps laughing this time as he shakes up his carton of milk. Sturgis takes one bite of his meal when his face shows his distaste for it. He washes it down with a quick drink of milk before he eyeballs my tuna melt.  
  
"Trade ya."  
  
Oh thank you. "Straight up?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Done." This reminds me of our days in the Academy. Trading meals and mooching off each other. Usually it was food and beer or whatever we could smuggle into our rooms.  
  
"Hey Sturgis, see if this makes sense to you. When I came back I confronted the Admiral about what was expected of me."  
  
"Uh-oh, what did he say?"  
  
"He told me to do what I do. Am I really supposed to believe that? Isn't doing what I do what got me in trouble in the first place?"  
  
"I think he misses what you do in the court room, not what you do out in the field."  
  
"So what am I supposed to do the next time something like Paraguay happens? Not react to it at all?" Sturgis knows I can't change who I am.  
  
Sturgis just shrugs his shoulders. "Lets hope something like that never comes up."  
  
Okay so maybe it wasn't the tuna melt's fault. I can't seem to enjoy this either. I know why too; Mattie, its all about her. I got to experience another aspect of parenting last week. The absolute crushing feeling you get in your chest when you let them down. I could hear it in her voice over the phone. I'm starting to make headway with all of my Imes cases and the other loads of crap filling my foul, rat infested office. Everyone else is like three times further along than I am including Mac and the Singer cases she had to handle. I'll be working on mine long after they're all done. I don't know how long that's going to take, but I do know that I can't stay away from Mattie that long.  
  
"What's the matter with you?" Looking up I see Sturgis staring intently at me.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You've taken one bite and haven't touched it since. What's the matter?"  
  
I can see that Sturgis hasn't eaten that much either. "What about you? Not hungry?" From the look in his eyes, I can see something's bothering him too.  
  
"You first." Oh, I don't know if I want to get into Mattie with Sturgis. I'm not sure how everyone at JAG is going to react to the news, especially the Admiral. I've been in the spot light a little too much for my taste lately. I could tell him about Bud and how he lied to me in his office. Sturgis will easily agree with me and I'll get him off my case.  
  
"Its nothing really, it's just about Bud."  
  
Sturgis just groans, "What about him?" Quickly I relay our brief encounter in his office. Sturgis only looks mildly amused by the story. "He's lucky he didn't go to the Academy, he wouldn't have survived the hazings we went through."  
  
I raise my glass of water to that. "Here, here. I just can't believe he lied to me like that."  
  
"So its okay if he lies to someone else, just so long as its not you?"  
  
Okay he's got a point there, but then again this isn't even bothering me so its not like I care in the first place. "I'll give you that. So I take it you're on better terms with Bud now?"  
  
Sturgis sighs, "Yeah I think I'm over it now. He did the right thing with Commander Bentley."  
  
"Well he's a good man, he usually does." I manage one more bite of lasagna before I remember Sturgis' problem. "So what about you?"  
  
Sturgis glances down for a moment. "How would you feel about being my lawyer?" What the hell?  
  
"You need one?"  
  
"I might."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"There's been a complaint filed against me for racial profiling." Sturgis? Racial profiling? That's bullshit.  
  
"What? When did this happen?"  
  
"When I was on TAD. There's been no word of a hearing or anything like that yet, but if there is..."  
  
"I got your back. All the way buddy." I can't quite pin point the look on Sturgis' face. I don't think its guilt, there's no way he did what he's accused of.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Stop by my office tomorrow..." Shit, I'm not going to be here tomorrow. I'm driving up to surprise Mattie. Hopefully I can convince her to shut down the entire weekend. She usually keeps em' flying on Saturdays as well. "Ah, forget that. Stop by my place on Saturday and we'll go over your case."  
  
"I didn't do it Harm."  
  
I know that already. I probably only heard a fraction of what he went through to get where he is. He would never do something like that. "I know, but don't worry about it. I'm currently undefeated when it comes to defending friends of mine in court."  
  
Sturgis pauses before he takes another bite. "How many friends have you defended?"  
  
Too many. "Well there was Bud, Mac, Skates, Kate, Admiral Boone twice..." Sturgis probably has no idea who those last three are. Then there was Scott Webster, even though I thought he was guilty of stealing stealth coating he still counts. "You'll be number eight."  
  
"Well I'm counting on you if it ever comes to this." I talked to Bud after I got back from Yuma and he told me what Sturgis said to him so I know what I'm facing. I've never heard Sturgis sounding so depressed. I can't let him down no matter what the cost. All of this has freed up Sturgis to finish his meal, but I still have Mattie on my mind. This custody paper work is irritating the hell out of me. Her dad's a drunk who doesn't want her. I want her so bad, why won't they give her to me? Maybe I should get a lawyer of my own. I'm clearly not capable of being objective anymore, I just want her. "So how did you manage to get tomorrow off?" Sturgis knows as well as I do that I'm not the Admiral or Mac's favorite person right now.  
  
"When we were at Yuma she wanted to say hi to some old friends of hers. I covered her end of the paperwork so she could go. She owed me one." I hadn't been back in the area since our first case together, man that was almost seven years ago. Those were much simpler times.  
  
"What's the matter now?"  
  
"Huh?'  
  
"Something's still bothering you." Maybe I should tell him. He could be my lawyer... he makes for a damn good sounding board too.  
  
"Okay, but what I'm about to tell you can't leave this table."  
  
This has really piped his curiosity. "Sure".  
  
"I think I might need a lawyer too."  
  
Sturgis looks at me curious, "Why, what did you do"?  
  
"Its about what I want to do." Sturgis' eyebrows lift slightly in question. "I'm trying to get guardianship of a teenager."  
  
I think that's as far as Sturgis' eyebrows can possibly rise. "You want a kid?!"  
  
Leaning over I hiss at him. "Can you say that a little louder? I don't think everyone on the other side of the room heard you."  
  
"This is going to be a long story isn't it."  
  
Maybe this was a mistake. I never should have told him. "Never mind, I'll..."  
  
"Harm", Sturgis leans back and throws down his napkin. "Tell me what I can do to help." And I tell him; I tell him everything from working for her to falling for her. I am you know. Every time I see her or talk to her, I find myself slipping a little further into a father-daughter role with her. I'm already proud as hell of her and everything she's accomplished and I only want the best for her. I want her to attend school though, this business of hers, its great and all, but there's a big world out there for her to explore. I just don't want Grace Aviation to encompass her entire universe her whole life. "Harm you realize this isn't my specialty. I'm not sure how much help I can be here."  
  
"Look I don't need you to do all the lawyering with this I can handle most of that on my own. I really just want you to give me an objective, outside opinion when I need it."  
  
"No problem."  
  
"I also might need you to be a character witness for me if I need it."  
  
"Okay, but are you sure you don't want to ask Bud or Mac to be your lawyer or your witnesses?"  
  
"Good God no. I want a good recommendation not some account of all of my crazy stunts over the past couple of years." That and I'm not willing risk the possibility that what Bud did during Sturgis' hearing wasn't just a fluke.  
  
"So I'm your only witness?"  
  
"No I have another friend ready and waiting to help me out if I need it." God bless Terri for saying yes. I know she'll be able to give a full account of how we helped Darlyn Lewis all those years ago. It was so good talking to her again; I've really been blessed to have the female friends I do. Terri ranks right up there with Meg, Kate, Beth and Skates. Obviously, Mac and Diane were even closer to me than that. What really sucks is that I have to refer to both of them in the past tense.  
  
"Well, I should have some ideas by Saturday so we can help each other out then."  
  
"Sounds great."  
  
1428 ZULU  
BLACKSBURG MANICIPAL AIRPORT  
BLACKSBURG, VIRGINIA  
  
"Hey, anybody here miss me?"  
  
"Harm!" Mattie tries her best not to run over to me, but halfway there she gives up and sprints over to me and I wrap her up in a big hug. It's been three weeks since I last saw her. I can hear her sigh as I hold her close to me. This feels so good, her wide smile and bright eyes have completely captivated me. "What are you doing here? You said you wouldn't be able to come up until you caught up with your work.  
  
I shrug off my duffel bag and pull out a thick stack of files. I'm not even sure how much of this I'll actually get done, but what I do manage to finish will have to be done in her presence. "Wanted to see you too much, so I brought some of my work with me."  
  
"I can clear out a spot in the office for you if you like."  
  
"In there or any out of the way place you have in the hanger will do Mattie."  
  
"I cleaned up the office, you can set up in there."  
  
"Thanks, but you realize I came here to see you right? Not to have a scenic view while I work."  
  
Mattie just hugs me again and I'm all the more pleased I decided to come up here anyway. "I'm glad you came."  
  
"Me, too."  
  
Mattie releases me and walks off with what I think is a bounce in her step. I've made her happy. That's all I was hoping for. With a sigh, I make my way into her office. Wow, she really did clean up in here. Taking a side desk, I set everything out. I'm hoping to get all of this done in time to give her a plane ride at the end of the day.  
  
"Hey, did you bring anything for lunch?"  
  
Checking my watch, I'm startled to see it's just past 12:30 now. How did three hours fly by so quickly? Looking at the files I'm pleased to see that I actually got a lot done here. "Um... yeah, its in my car. Do you want a submarine sandwich?"  
  
Mattie looks pleasantly surprised, "Sure".  
  
Running out to the Lexus I grab a plastic bag from the local deli I frequent occasionally. They make great subs there. "Which one do you want; turkey and ham or salami and bologna?"  
  
"I'll take the salami." I hand it to her as well as a bottle of water as I sit down myself.  
  
"Thanks, I was going to order us a pizza."  
  
"I thought you could use a break from pizza."  
  
"Harm there's no such thing as too much pizza." Typical teenager.  
  
"What do you say we clear out of here this weekend."  
  
Mattie sighs in response, not to my question, but about her answer. "Harm I'd love to, but with our current schedule I'll have seven fields left to dust tomorrow. I can't let them go another day."  
  
"Got a spare plane?"  
  
"Sure, why?"  
  
"I'll dust for you and then you can give everybody the day off and you can come with me to Washington."  
  
"Why do you want to take me to Washington?"  
  
"Just want to show you around."  
  
"Already seen it thanks." Yikes, her reaction was a lot harsher than I thought I'd ever get from her.  
  
I shrug my shoulders; I'm looking for a better reaction this time. "Well then I guess you'll never get to see your surprise then."  
  
"What surprise?"  
  
"You'll just have to come and see won't you?" I can see she doesn't like being toyed around like this, but the idea of a planned surprise for her I hope is reason she seems to be getting more excited. I wonder if her father ever took the time to do something nice for her once in awhile. Mattie's still working it out in her head as I take a quick bite of my sandwich. "Well, what's it gonna be?"  
  
Mattie doesn't answer; instead, she pokes her head out of the office and begins shouting. "Frank, after your lunch break pull out the duster in the back and fill her up. Harm's going to dust the Hendrickson's field for us." When she looks back at me, her face is carrying a wide smile. "So what's my surprise?"  
  
"I told you, you're just going to have to wait."  
  
"I don't do waiting very well."  
  
Now I'm smiling, I'm sure she's got me where she wants me. "No, absolutely not. You're going to have to wait and see."  
  
"Please; pretty, pretty please." Mattie's whining combined with her puppy dog eyes routine has obviously been put to good use before because I can feel myself giving in to her demands. This isn't look she probably gives many people.  
  
"Nuh-uh, tomorrow." I'm giving in, not caving in.  
  
"That was so much fun Harm. I can't wait to do it again."  
  
"I'm glad you liked it." We've gotten about thirty miles from Blacksburg, but Mattie still hasn't finished talking about flying in Sarah. Knowing that they'd get tomorrow off if the pilots could do the extra seven fields before the day ended really inspired the ground crew. None of us had to wait long before we could take to the air again and we ended up with time to spare. After I finished those fields, I took her up in Sarah again. I gave her the controls almost from the beginning. She performed the take off. I've got her started with the basics. I'm probably going to end up teaching her like the Navy taught me, trial by fire. Throw the ducklings in the pool and see which ones swim. Mattie's mature enough in my opinion to handle those kinds of demands. As for her groundwork... well, she has enough groundwork to do as it is with that business of hers. However, I've already lain down the law when it comes to her and flying. Sarah stays on the ground and she doesn't go up with anyone else but me. I don't want someone else teaching her bad habits. I mean no offense to those other guys, but the military trains the best pilots bar none.  
  
"So what's next?"  
  
"Well, we'll begin working on your navigation, what to do when your engine stalls; things like that."  
  
"No I mean today." I don't know what we can do. We didn't leave her house until almost seven. It'll be eight-thirty, nine by the time we get back to mine.  
  
"Oh, well, its going to be kinda late when we get home so probably just dinner. Unless there's a movie you want to see or something."  
  
"No dinner sounds good."  
  
"Anything you feel like in particular?"  
  
Mattie bits her lip for a moment, "Um Mexican or Italian sounds great tonight."  
  
"There's this great little place not far from where I live. Best chicken and steak fajitas around. Everything else on the menu is good too."  
  
"Oh, fajitas." Mattie responds, mimicking the Taco Bell ad I saw on T.V. Hey its football season, I'm putting that thing to good use. Good thing I have it too, otherwise Mattie would probably end up bored stiff.  
  
"How is it you're not married?" Whoa... that just came out of left field and smacked me up side the head. Mattie was flipping through the stations on the radio and not finding anything she liked, she just launched into this.  
  
"What?" This is a stalling tactic; I need more time to come up with an answer. An answer, or is it an excuse? I'm not sure anymore. Whenever I talk to mom, it sounds more like an excuse than anything else.  
  
"I mean you're great." Well, that one's going straight to my ego. "I don't understand how someone like you isn't married with three kids for you to shower your affections on." Join the club Mattie; sometimes I don't understand it either.  
  
Good lord, what am I supposed to tell her here that doesn't have me coming off like some sort of loser? "I'm not really sure myself. Part of its the lifestyle, part of its my own fault and the rest has been bad luck." The lifestyle drove Annie away and to a degree Renee. The 'my fault' category accounts for most of Renee and all of Jordan. I'm sharing the blame with Mac. The bad luck above all else is Diane. I have no idea which of these is keeping Catherine at arm's length from me either. I haven't spoken to her since I unloaded on her. I'm sure I came off sounding excessively needy and I'm at a loss as to how to explain to her otherwise. I still think we could be something together.  
  
"Did you ever, you know, think about it?"  
  
"Marriage, yeah I have."  
  
"What happened?" I'm not sure I want to talk about this. When I remember Diane, I don't want to remember how she slipped away from me. The images of her still, cold, form have been forever burned into my memory. I try to remember the good times. All the things we went through at the Academy, all the good times we had together afterwards. Her unflinching loyalty, compassion, and the love she gave me, especially after I crashed and struggled to rebuild my life. I was a fool to ever let her go for even a minute without telling her how much I loved her. If my brain had been firing on all cylinders, I would have given her no more than a year after all that before making her my bride. "If you don't want to talk about this I understand completely." I wish she'd stop that; she's always trying to give me the easy way out. I know she's doing it to prevent herself from being hurt or disappointed by those who are supposed to being looking out for her. I don't want that at all. I'm going to be there for her whenever she needs me. She just needs to understand that.  
  
"No it's all right. I just don't talk about it often." Mattie doesn't say anything; I think she knows I'm trying to gather my thoughts. "She was my best friend from the Naval Academy. We were inseparable; she did more for me than just about any other man or woman in my life. She loved me and I her."  
  
Mattie looks at me, waiting for me to continue and probably wondering how something that sounds so perfect could not come to fruition. "So what happened?"  
  
"She was murdered. Almost seven and half years ago now."  
  
Mattie just sits there in stunned silence. "Harm... I'm so sorry."  
  
"Its okay, I just try remember the good times we had, the love we shared." It's not okay; if it were okay, I wouldn't have whispered all that. I would have spoken in a normal tone of voice. It still bothers me. I fill Mattie in with all the other details I feel are needed for her to understand the situation. I couldn't tell her all of it, some of its classified, some, like how her killer died I'd rather she not learn.  
  
"How did you manage to get though the investigation? No way could I have done that."  
  
"I'm not sure. I guess I was too busy trying to find her killer." He's dead, that's all she needs to know, but if she asks me a direct question about it, I won't sidestep it, I'll tell her the truth. "Don't think I'm cold or anything Mattie, I cried at least once or twice everyday for at least two weeks after her funeral and every once in awhile for another month."  
  
"I did after mom died too, I guess I still am." I can see the tears welling up in her as she tries to wipe them away. Even though I'm driving, I wrap my right arm around her shoulders and she leans into me as much as she can. I swear I'm going to do everything I can to ease her pain. For the first time in her life since her mother died, she's not going to have to be strong all the time.  
  
1237 ZULU  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA  
  
Mattie's still asleep on the couch as I move about the kitchen. I'm making pancakes and the noise I'm making still hasn't woken her up. I'm not surprised; she was up all night watching the movies we rented. When she started watching 'How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days', I knew it was time for me to go to bed. Before that we had dinner at that Mexican place and when we got home, and she saw the pictures, we got into my life history. I told her all about Dad and what happened to him. Told her about Sergei too. She got to see pictures of Mac, Sturgis, and Bud and Harriet's family. It was when she wanted to see my pictures of Diane that I knew I was in trouble. So, we talked about that too. I told her everything that's happened between us as well. Trying to explain our... well, enigmatic relationship to someone else is tiring at best. After I went to bed, I held pictures of the two side by side. Mac's changed her hair since I first met her, but back then... God almighty. After her uncle was sentenced, I had to get out of there. I was out of my freaking mind; I almost called her Diane three times during that trial. I called Keeter, Sturgis, as well as Meg and got them so worried about me that Keeter and Sturgis showed up at my door within the week. I called Meg because she'd been there with me when it happened. Keeter and Sturgis were Diane's friends too. They were at the funeral. After that trial, I took the first TAD assignment I could get. I think it was a helo mishap aboard the Coral Sea. It took me a month to see her as a different woman. Stirring the batter, I finally hear Mattie groaning over on the couch as she gets up. "Good morning."  
  
"Morning." Mattie gives me a sleepy smile. "Whatcha making?"  
  
"Pancakes."  
  
"I haven't had pancakes is years." That doesn't surprise me. If she does eat breakfast, I'll bet its cold cereal. "Um, can I take a shower?" Like she really has to ask.  
  
"Sure, I left a clean towel and there's a robe in there for you if you want."  
  
"That sounds good." She manages to drag herself to her feet and move to the bathroom. The robe was Renee's. She didn't come back for any of her stuff after she told me she was engaged. I ended up donating most of her stuff away. I don't know why I kept the robe. Hell, I don't even know if she'll use it, it's probably too big for her anyway; Renee was taller than she is.  
  
The pancakes are just about ready when she takes a seat at the kitchen island dressed in shorts and a tee shirt. "That was fast."  
  
"I've never taken a shower where the walls are made out of glass blocks." I suppose she would be uncomfortable with that.  
  
"Yeah, I guess I really wasn't thinking about kids when I designed the bathroom."  
  
Mattie levels a gaze at me that tells me she thinks she know why I built it the way I did. "Meaning you built it to ogle your girlfriends when they didn't know you were watching." That makes me sound like a peeping tom and its still the wrong answer.  
  
"No, usually I'd just join them in the shower." Mattie's eyes widen slightly, I won't believe she didn't entirely see that coming. "I built it because it was cheaper to do it that way rather than a put up walls around it." Mattie looks at little sheepish in response. "How many pancakes to you want?"  
  
"Three should be plenty. Thank you." After she takes her plate, I round up the butter, syrup, and milk and put them on the island front of her as well before sitting down next to her. "I've been thinking about you and Mac?" Yellow light here Rabb.  
  
I'm doing my best to look indifferent. "Oh, what about us?'  
  
"I think you should go after her." Crap. Red light, big fucking red light.  
  
Maybe I should play devil's advocate here. "Why would I do that?"  
  
"Because you love her." Loved her Mattie, loved her. It's all in the past.  
  
"Mattie she knew that already."  
  
Maddie's not convinced. "Does she? Have you ever told her that?"  
  
"Mattie you know what I told you about what happened on the Admiral's porch."  
  
"But all you said was there were some people who were in love with her."  
  
"Mattie, there were only three of us to pick from. One was married; the other's old enough to be her father. Do you really believe Mac had that hard a time figuring out who I was talking about?"  
  
"But did you actually say the words?"  
  
"Mattie if she can't figure out how I feel after I sacrificed everything and rescued her in Paraguay then she'll never know."  
  
"But if you don't say the words..."  
  
"Mattie!" Okay, that was too harsh. "Let me put it this way. A man beats his wife, but tells her he loves her. Which one of the two emotions would you believe?"  
  
Mattie rolls her eyes in frustration. "Harm its not that simple."  
  
"It is that simple. If you're feeling bad and you had to chose between someone wishing you well or someone giving you a hug, which one would you pick?"  
  
Mattie drops her head slightly, glancing at her plate. "I'd want the hug." Finally, she's coming around.  
  
"Words are just that Mattie, words. If you can't back them up with your actions you might as well be lying to them, and a lie hurts any relationship."  
  
"Love sometimes hurts Harm."  
  
"Yeah, but you're not supposed to constantly bleed for it either. All we know how to do is draw blood from each other. She just came to that realization before I did." I'm glad its over, now we can just be friends and things will be a lot happier around here. Yuma was a good example of that. I don't need JAG; I like JAG because Mac challenges me. That's why I like our arguments, she makes me a better lawyer.  
  
Mattie cuts into her pancake and stirs it in syrup absently for a moment. "What would it take?"  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For the two of you to get together?" Oh good lord, please don't tell me she's going to try and play matchmaker.  
  
"She'd have to come straight out and say 'I love you Harm.' to my face, I don't think anything else would do." There's no way on God's green Earth she'll ever do that and there's no way Mattie would be able to convince her to do it either.  
  
"What's my surprise?" Mattie thankfully back off the whole issue with Mac and we finished breakfast talking about safe subjects like flying and my Naval career. Even so we're still a little bit uneasy right now so I'll give in here, but only a little bit.  
  
"Part of it's right behind the desk." Mattie glances in that direction, I know it's killing her. "Go ahead." Mattie scrambles over there and opens the box revealing the leather bomber jacket I had made up for her.  
  
Mattie puts it on in a flash. "I love it! Thank you." It's a little big on her, but at 14, I figure she has about two more years to grow left in her.  
  
"Your welcome, I kinda guessed at your size."  
  
Mattie walks over to me turning around several times to examine herself in the mirror. "It fits fine, this is great."  
  
"Well you needed something for when we go flying."  
  
Mattie smiles even harder and gives me a big hug. Mmmm, gotta love that new leather jacket smell. "Thank you." I'm putting the dishes in the dishwasher when I notice her examining my leather jacket and comparing it to hers. "So these are the squadron patches you used to belong to?"  
  
"Yup." I used to have patches on there for the first 100 and 500 night traps I'd ever done, but after Mace died I tore them off. Those numbers didn't matter anymore. A million perfect night traps wouldn't have made up for that night.  
  
"How come I don't have a call sign or a pair of wings on mine?"  
  
"Are you a pilot yet?"  
  
"No." I shouldn't have to explain that to her. "Well when I get my wings, I want my call sign to read..."  
  
"Oh no you don't." I can't help but laugh. "No one gets to pick their own call sign. Your pilot friends give it to you." There's no way I would've gone by 'Pappy' for six months if that were the case. Only the CAG gets that kind of privilege.  
  
"Okay so what's my call sign?"  
  
"First of all you're not a pilot yet, secondly it takes time. Sometimes your name comes from your personal background or an impression you give the other guys, or from an embarrassing incident that happens in front of them. Or it's just a play off of your own name or some bodily feature."  
  
"You're kidding right? You pilots don't seriously spend that much time devoted to picking out someone's name do you?"  
  
"Sure we do. When you're stuck on a carrier there's not a lot to do."  
  
"So how did you get your name? Sounds a little too cool for your buddies to have given it to you."  
  
"They did give it to me, it was at the end of my tour right after I saved two of our guys from possible capture when their bird was going down, and it was my father's call sign." "You must have been proud."  
  
"And I still am."  
  
1745 ZULU  
PATUEUX RIVER NAVAL BASE  
PATUEUX RIVER, MARYLAND  
  
We're here for the other part of Mattie's surprise. She was so interested my flying career I thought I'd show her my ride. I'm not going to be able to take her up in a Tomcat, but she can at least sit in the cockpit. Never mind, this surprise, its not about Mattie at all, it's all about me. That's why I got her the jacket, that's why I brought her here and that's why Lieutenant Winters is standing on the wing of the Tomcat parked next to us taking pictures of us as I point out various things in the cockpit. I wonder what dad was thinking when he did this with me. Whatever it was, he was probably paying more attention to me than I am to Mattie.  
  
"Harm!?"  
  
"Sorry, what was it you were saying?"  
  
"I said are these the ejection handles?" Mattie asks pointing towards the overhead handle.  
  
"There's another one between your legs."  
  
Maddie lightly grasps that handle. "So if I pull this I'll shoot right out of here?"  
  
She must have seen that in a movie or something. "No, not quite. There's nine safety pins that need to be pulled first. When my RIO and I take off, we do that in our preflight checks. Otherwise the pins are always in place to prevent accidents from occurring."  
  
"You love this handle don't you?"  
  
"I don't love it, but it's saved my life a couple times, yeah."  
  
"And this?"  
  
"That's the HUD."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sorry, Heads Up Display. It lets us fire a missile or our guns without having to squint through a scope or target sight." There's a lot more to it than that, but we'll stick with the simplest usage. After ten more minutes of explaining various panels in the cockpit, Mattie's ready to come down. She was slightly disappointed that she was going to get a ride, but she took it well. Sandy Winters climbs off the neighboring bird and walks over to us.  
  
"Here you go Sir, there should be plenty of good pictures in there for you to chose from."  
  
"Thanks Sandy. Mattie, this is Lieutenant Sandy Winters. I've flown with her before."  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Hi yourself, what did you think of the Tomcats?"  
  
"They're great, just wish I could have gone up."  
  
"Yeah the CO's bit of a stickler on that point." Mattie converses with Sandy briefly while I watch a pair of our new joint strike fighters taking off. With that single engine, it looks a little too much like a F-16 for my taste. Regardless, she's sleek bird, and I'm sure she's a joy to fly. "Sir?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Look I gotta take off, you don't need anything else do you?"  
  
"No, thanks a bunch Sandy." I shake her hand and return her salute. "Say hi to Scott for me." She blushes slightly, I don't know why. Its not like it's a secret anymore. He works for Lockheed/Martin now and he's happy there considering. "You ready to go home?"  
  
Mattie's watching a Hornet landing and turns around. "Why? You got a date or something?"  
  
"There's friend of mine coming to my place today and he going to help me with our case. I need to meet him there. I figure by the time we drive back and get something to eat we'll meet him at the front door."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"I thought that was your car. You haven't been waiting long have you?"  
  
Sturgis shakes his head. "A few minutes, who's this?"  
  
"Mattie Grace meet Commander Sturgis Turner." They exchange pleasantries as we head into my place. They're still talking when I finish changing and go to the bathroom. When Mattie see me coming down to the living room she heads for the bathroom herself.  
  
"She's a good kid Harm."  
  
"Responsible as hell too, and I want her."  
  
"You know that because her father's..."  
  
"Yeah I know. Because he's alive, he's technically still her guardian."  
  
"Have you considered the fact that if this motion makes a lot of noise in court and her relatives on her father's side were to find out what's going on, that they might make a claim for guardianship as well?" I can feel the wind being let out of my sails, I never thought about that. "A judge would probably rule in favor of her blood relation rather than a single, military man."  
  
"Well then we need to keep this quiet and as short as possible."  
  
"I think your going to need your other character reference Harm. The judge is going to have your military record in front of him, and while its certainly distinguished its also going to show a high propensity for overseas travel and your unusual tendency to get into trouble. The fact that part of your file is sealed isn't going to help matters either."  
  
"You make it sound like this is going to be impossible." Shit Mattie just heard that. She's standing at the top of the stairs with an uncertain look on her face.  
  
"Mattie don't worry about it. Harm is one of the best men I've ever known. I don't believe the judge is going to turn down his request unless your father was to suddenly take an interest in you again. I'm just playing devil's advocate here, we need to be ready for everything." Thank you Sturgis for saving my ass.  
  
Mattie nods, but looks uncertain. "Harm can I watch T.V in your room?"  
  
"Sure". I haul it up onto my dresser and plug the T.V in there. "Mattie, Sturgis and I are two really good lawyers. We'll find a way to make this work okay?" Mattie smiles back at me, "Okay".  
  
We ran through my case quickly and we were discussing his when I heard the door knock. Mattie's be content to watch movies in my room the entire time. When I see who it is, I have to quell the urge to knock his head off. "What do you want Webb?"  
  
"Nice to see you too Rabb." God I hate that smirk on his face. He tries to push his way inside, but that's not going to happen. I've got something like 8 inches and thirty pounds on him. "Aren't you going to let me in?"  
  
"Not a chance, what do you want?"  
  
"Lets talk inside."  
  
"No we'll talk right here."  
  
Webb shoves me back a bit. "Rabb quit being an asshole..." 'Crack' Oh that make some noise. I caught him with a solid right hook to the his jaw and Webb's immediate fall has turned out to be wonderfully satisfying as well as quite comical in the way he landed.  
  
"Clay!" I was about to shut the door when Mac's voice registered. Turning around I can see her kneeling beside him.  
  
"Wow Webb, you brought Mac here on a date. You sure know how to show a girl a good time." Sturgis has shown up at the door a smile on his face as well when he takes in the scene. Mac glares at Sturgis and me as Webb rubs his jaw, I'm sure the makeup he probably wears will cover up the bruise. "I've always wanted to clock one of your boyfriends."  
  
Mac leans Webb up against the wall and takes a step in my direction, now I know she doesn't want to fight. "Will you grow up? Your petty jealousy is pretty sickening to watch."  
  
"You really think it's all about you don't you. This is my home, if I don't want him in here, he doesn't past the door." This is partially about her, the rest is all about Webb firing me.  
  
"I think it is." Webb's brushing off his coat and patting himself where I know he keeps his side arm. I know that move is intentional too.  
  
"I'm not afraid of you or your gun. You can't hit shit with it." Mac turns towards Webb in question. "Come on Mac, you really don't believe he goes anywhere without a gun do you?" In all fairness, its a smart move on his part and its Company policy. He's got too much locked away in that annoying little head of his to risk capture.  
  
Webb spits some blood onto the ground; I must have cut his gums or something. "I don't need a gun to threaten you, there's a little court matter of yours I could always interfere with."  
  
I can feel my blood boiling. "Only if you have a death wish."  
  
When Webb smiles, I can see the blood on his teeth. "Then lets talk and avoid all that." I don't want Mac to know about Mattie just yet.  
  
"Mac stays outside."  
  
"Fine." Mac's look of disbelief moves from me to Webb as he walks past me.  
  
I smile at Mac. "If you hear a crash and girlish scream it's just Webb being thrown through a window. She opens her mouth to say something back, but I'm already shutting the door.  
  
Webb tries to head for the living room, but I steer him into the kitchen, the furthest spot in my place from the bedroom. Sturgis is in the living room trying not to over hear us, but we both know he's catching every word. "Make it fast, and don't even think about telling Mac anything about my case."  
  
Clay tosses a folded piece of paper on the island. "Your life isn't something we normally talk about, but what the hell is this?"  
  
Son of a Bitch, this is copy the wedding invitation Sergei sent me this week. "You've been reading my mail?"  
  
"Oh get over yourself, you know damn well we monitor ex-agents. Especially those who've been exposed to extremely classified information and those who've been disavowed from the company. You're both of those things."  
  
"So I suppose my phone's tapped too?"  
  
Webb cocks an eyebrow at me. "What do you think?"  
  
"What does this have anything to do with Sergei's wedding?"  
  
"Let me run this by you. A known CIA operative who has been exposed to the public is traveling to Russia with a complete knowledge of our activities, safe houses, agents, and development areas in his head? Is there any kind of fucking alarm going off your head like it is in mine?!"  
  
"So what, I passed the interrogation testing the company put me through, and thanks to you the torture endurance was much harder than it needed to be."  
  
"Still wasn't hard enough."  
  
"Oh so everyone has to suffer like you did because you were just stupid?"  
  
"You're not going to Russia." Webb states matter-of-factly  
  
"Fine then get Sergei and his fiancé a green card, line up a job for him and convince him to move back to the States, and have his wedding here."  
  
"I've already dragged your brother here once, I'm not doing it again."  
  
There is just no getting through to this man. I'm going to have to give a little bit here to get what I want. "I'll stay at the Embassy in Moscow instead of a hotel then."  
  
Webb shakes his head. "Not good enough."  
  
"Where am I exactly going to go? I'm standing up for his wedding, I can't exactly disappear in the middle of it."  
  
"Is that supposed to be comforting to me?"  
  
"Then send a female agent with me. I'll pretend she's my date." Webb actually seems to be contemplating that suggestion.  
  
Webb motions me close, I understand this isn't something Sturgis needs to hear. "If I were to consider that... who would you have in mind?" A dozen different girls run through my mind. Catherine's one of them, but I'd never put her though something like that nor could she handle it if things went south. There's a few agents I crossed paths with that I thought were pretty damn hot, but I guess I want someone I can have a good time with, where there's no expectations involved.  
  
"Beth O'Neal."  
  
"She's a pilot, you think she can pull that off?" She posed as a hooker didn't she? I think she can pull off looking like my date. Christ if she'd come up to my window like that, I'd have paid her for sex.  
  
"I know she can."  
  
"We'll see."  
  
"You had to come charging in here didn't you? A simple phone call would have taken care of all of this."  
  
Webb gives me a wane smile. "Guess I don't like to do things the easy way."  
  
"I don't think either one of us do. Look, Webb, about the jaw."  
  
Webb waves me off. "We'll call it even for firing you in the first place." Nodding my agreement, I walk Webb out to the door. Mac doesn't look pleased at either one of us. Just before I shut the door, I can hear her going off on him, asking him 'What the hell that was all about?' I lean up against the door and smile.  
  
0016 ZULU  
MATTIE GRACE'S RESIDENCE  
BLACKSBERG, VIRGINIA  
  
I've just finished carrying some groceries into her house. I'm convinced she doesn't eat well enough. It's surprisingly clean too; I was expecting it to be a lot dirtier in there. "Well except for that CIA guy I had a really good time."  
  
"So did I. And there's going to be a lot more good times ahead of us." Sturgis and I pounded out a strategy on Saturday. For me as well as for him should he need it. Then on Sunday, he stopped by after church to watch football with Mattie and I. I think she was really fascinated by all the submarine adventures he told. If that's what interests her, I've got a few good sub stories of my own.  
  
"So I'll see you next week?"  
  
"Next weekend. I want to really crack down on my cases. Sturgis is going to help me with our petition so don't worry okay?"  
  
Mattie smiles "Okay".  
  
"Good, you set for the night?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll be fine. You can go."  
  
"Just checking, good night Mattie."  
  
"Good night Harm." I'm out the door and onto her front when I hear her running after me. "Harm?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Mattie walks up to me and gives me a hug, which I return in kind. "Thank you for dragging me to Washington."  
  
"Your welcome." I wait on her porch until she's inside and locked the door before heading to the Lexus. Dad, help us push this thing through. I love that girl and whether she knows it or not. She needs a daddy who loves her. I don't know what you felt when you had me in that Phantom cockpit, but if the pride and love I felt for her when I had her in that Tomcat is any indicator, then I know I'm doing the right thing. Watch over her dad. Watch over her until the courts will let me do it full time. 


	6. A Weekend in a Winter Wonderland

Author's note: Just once, I'd like TPTB to stick to a set amount of time Harm was gone. They've said everything from 3 to 6 months. That's not too much to ask for is it? Anyway, a big thank you to every one who has been reviewing and/or e-mailing me. It really means a lot. Don't be afraid to flame either if that's your inclination either. Oh, on another note I have no idea how Child Services works so Harm's probably going to say things that are so far out there you'll probably laugh. Just keep that in mind before you roast me over an open flame.  
  
2028 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
I should be working, but I'm not. I'm leaning up against the wall just outside of the door to the bullpen watching Jen. After I patched the latest hole in the tattered fabric that is my friendship with Mac, I came out here to watch her. By the way she was goading me back there, if I didn't know better I'd say she and Mattie talked about a lot more than my location this past weekend. Its not that I'm against being married, if I could find out what it is about me that's holding Catherine back I'd certainly think about giving it a go with her. Not right now of course, but in time. No, what I'm against the entire notion of these enormous weddings people throw. I just don't see the appeal of starting your new life with someone under a mountain of debt that landed on you for the enjoyment of one day. Obviously, my parents could and probably would pay for any wedding my future wife wanted and still live in the lap of luxury for the rest of their lives, but I'd be just as happy running off to Vegas. I'm not interested in the wedding; I'm interested in the woman beside me. Jen eventually makes her way to her own desk after being sent away by Harriet who by the looks of things is not having a good day. I can't believe she decided to take that U.S.O tour event on her shoulders. Once I'm in my own office, which is thankfully rat-free now, I begin thinking about Petty Officer Ferrier and how to work her testimony in my favor. Mac didn't give my client the benefit of the doubt; she was looking for another way to bury him and in doing so she realized that she might have made a mistake. That's the nice thing about defending; I get to see all the cards Mac's holding. The whole woman scorned bit was harsh, granted not as much as my comments were about her in court, but I don't recall her apologizing for it either. Of course, she could have meant it as a threat too, but that doesn't seem likely. So now, we're right back to what I said about her a month ago in my apartment. She thinks overcoming her alcoholism gives her the right to judge other people. I have no idea why that irritates the hell out of me like it does. Our truce is only good until the next time we find something to fight about. Hell, this court martial isn't even over yet, there's plenty of time to fight about this again too.  
  
2141 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
TWO DAYS LATER  
  
This case was a much bigger headache than it needed to be. Petty Officer Ferrier did the right thing and I got the charges dropped. I'm sure Petty Officer Yates' CO will give him some sort of non-judicial punishment. The other nice thing about defending is that when a case is dropped like this its a lot more paper work for Mac than it is for me. Our truce is still intact, but I'm not holding my breath. We're still too capable of resorting to petty fighting at the drop of a hat. What we need to do is find some kind of safe neutral ground. Of course that kind of real estate has been hard to come by recently. It's hard to find safe topics to talk about that aren't completely pointless drivel. Talking about the latest movie we saw isn't what I consider intelligent conversation. We can't talk about any kind of relationship anymore. It used to be that we just couldn't talk about ours, but now everyone else's are off limits as well. Every conversation we've tried, they all seem to find a way back to ours. Work is out of the question too; we've dragged enough of our own personal baggage into it that we end up ducking insults. I can't tell if she's madder that I won't tell her what I was doing with the CIA, or that I didn't keep in touch during that time. I don't know what she really expects me to tell her. Most everything I was involved was way above anything she has clearance for anyway. There's no way I could ever tell her some of the things I did and she should know better than to even ask. Hell, dating Webb should have taught her that. Although, some of the things I did, I don't want her to know about either. Libya and the Philippines weren't the only places Beth and I had to land in and do some actual ground fighting. Both times, it got pretty bloody and I took more lives than I care to admit. Then there were the tactical strikes I made on my own. I never asked why, and they never said, they just handed me a target package and sent me on my way. Sometimes it was a preordained target and other times a team on the ground painted a target while I waited on standby. Columbia, Panama, the Sinai Peninsula, Bosnia, the list goes on. Most of those strikes were made flying Stealth fighters. Not once did I get up in a Tomcat. I did fly a F/A-22 Raptor on occasion, especially when I needed the speed as well as stealth. My missions in Iran and China are excellent examples of that. That was a sweet ride despite the fact that the zoomies are the only ones who get them. Bet it couldn't take a carrier landing though. Regardless of what happened, or what I did, I'll never call the CIA the dark side again. They do an important job over there and for a time it was the only way for me to serve my country, and to be honest most of the time I actually enjoyed my job. If they were to offer me my job back, its never going to happen of course, but if they did. I'd be hard pressed to say no, especially with the fifteen Imes cases and other stacks of miscellaneous files I have left to go through.  
  
"No I'm serious, you picked the perfect time to call." The look on Mac's face was priceless when Mattie called. I know she was thinking it was either Catherine or some other blonde. Catherine isn't some blond, and I only wish she'd called me.  
  
"How's that?" Hmmm, how do I say, 'you saving me from looking like a loser with nothing in his life, but work in front of Mac.' without saying it?  
  
"I just got done with work and I wasn't in my car yet."  
  
"And that makes it perfect?"  
  
Time to lay it on thick. "No, it's perfect because you called." I am happy that she called. Unfortunately, I haven't seen her in over a week and calling is the best we could do during that time. I was all set to head up to Blacksberg last Friday when the Admiral ordered me out to the Gilcrist.  
  
"Um, I was wondering about this weekend."  
  
"If you've got a hot date the answer is 'No you can't stay out past ten.'" I can hear Mattie's amused snort on the other end followed by a small laugh.  
  
"I don't think that's going to be a problem."  
  
Pushing the elevator button, I can see Bud and Harriet coming this way. "Look unless I'm told otherwise by your favorite mean, old man I'm coming up this weekend okay?" I'm not going to be able to continue this here, so I head down the stairs instead trying to have this conversation with them in the elevator with me.  
  
"I'm not going to be able to take this Saturday off Harm, the end of our season's approaching. We've got too much to do."  
  
"That's fine I can find a place to stay up there."  
  
"It's called my house, I've even got a spare bed for you to use."  
  
"Your hospitality is simply overwhelming me."  
  
"Yeah I'm a regular southern belle."  
  
The stair well is empty so I'll remain in here for a while. At least until I'm sure Bud and Harriet have past through. "So whatcha doing?"  
  
"Well I just finished changing my truck's left front tire. Rim was rusted right to the lugs. I had to kick it to get it off."  
  
"Are you at home?"  
  
"Just headed that way."  
  
"What's for dinner?" If its pizza, I'm going to reach through this phone and strangle her.  
  
"Macaroni and Cheese."  
  
Oh, come on. "Mattie..."  
  
"Harm I'm too tired to make something else up. I just want to eat, shower and go to bed. Be glad its not pizza."  
  
Okay so she's making an effort. "It was that rough today?"  
  
I can hear her sigh into the phone. "No, not really. I'm sure if I take a long, hot bath my attitude will improve."  
  
"I'm sure you'll feel better. So what's the matter?"  
  
"When are you coming up this weekend? She's avoiding my question, but I'll let it go for now.  
  
"Not until Saturday afternoon. I've got a few thing I want to do first before I leave."  
  
"Okay, I've got another question about our case."  
  
"Shoot."  
  
"When we go to court, do I have to stay with you during that time or what?"  
  
I didn't think about that at all. "You know what? That's an excellent question, I have no idea."  
  
"And you're a good lawyer?" I can hear her smile.  
  
"Okay smarty pants, we'll see how much fun you're having when I'm doing all the flying in Sarah next time."  
  
I can definitely hear her gasp at the thought. "You wouldn't."  
  
I'm laughing, so I know, she knows I'm kidding. "Oh you better believe I would." Okay so her punishment would only last about ten minutes. It's the thought that counts right? "Drive home safe okay?"  
  
"I will. I miss you Harm."  
  
"Me, too. Call me if you need anything." Mattie hangs up and I make my way to my own car.  
  
2326 ZULU  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA  
  
You know when I think about it. I'm glad Mac turned me down. Maybe the offer was enough for now. I think if we'd had dinner, the atmosphere would have been uneasy at best. We need to do something where friends of ours are involved. When Bud and Harriet host their annual Christmas party that might be a good opportunity to forge a more lasting truce and really work on our friendship. Of course, if she brings Webb along all bets are off. When I think about Mattie, I wonder if that might be a good time to introduce her to everyone else at JAG, that is, if the courts give her to me. I've also expanded on the idea Mattie had about where she's going to live during the hearing. I'm wondering if she wouldn't mind moving here permanently. I picked up on the tone of her voice when we talked a few days ago. I'm guessing I'm not the only one who wishes her life wasn't entirely encompassed by her business. We could hire a manager for Grace Aviation if she didn't want to sell it outright. She could afford to hire one. Grace Aviation pays the bills, but if she didn't have that huge mortgage payment to make every month on her house, she'd actually be putting a decent sum of money in the bank. Her mother's life insurance policy hardly put a dent in that mortgage. Mattie could sell her house and live here with me. I'd probably have to sell off this place and buy something with two bedrooms near a good school, but it'd be worth it. To have her, almost anything would be.  
  
"It's open." Sturgis pops in and looks around. I'm in the kitchen making dinner. "Hey stranger, when did you get back?"  
  
"Around 1650, I didn't bother going into JAG."  
  
"How was Seattle?"  
  
Sturgis hangs up his coat and kicks off his shoes. "Wet, how can those people deal with all that rain?"  
  
"How'd the case go?"  
  
Sturgis shakes his head. "I should have been done a week ago. The defense council pulled some new evidence out of his ass at the last minute and it took me longer to beat him."  
  
"Well at least you won."  
  
Sturgis leans up against the island and cocks his head at me. "You lost a couple?"  
  
"Nope, I've won four out of five." I whipped up on Bud twice last week after Sturgis left. Not to mention beating Mac in Yuma and again today. I shouldn't even be counting that damn baseball case. The Admiral took the easy side of that battle. For him it was a cake walk, I would have needed Petty Officer Crawford to confess to intentionally hitting Lt. Phelps in the head to have won. "So you've got the hot hand huh?"  
  
I shrug indifferently, but he knows better. "Still isn't getting me out from under the pile of cases I'm buried in."  
  
"Well maybe if you hadn't gone to the all-star baseball game in LA it wouldn't be a problem today. How was it by the way?"  
  
I rub the bridge of my nose before answering. "Tiring, don't ever go to a baseball game with the Admiral. The man never shuts up. He guesses every pitch, telling me what they should or shouldn't throw. I know all the pitching habits and mechanics of all pitchers who played in that game. By the end of it I was ready to take a bat to his head if that's what it took to shut him up."  
  
Sturgis doesn't appear to be too sympathetic to my cause. "Well why did you go in the first place? You could have said no." Yeah I could have, but I knew this was the Admiral's way of truly extending me the olive branch. I'd have been a fool to pass it up. I spent a day with mom and Frank while I was out there. It was nice spending time with them.  
  
"I was part of his cover to get to there, besides if you were in my place would you have said no?"  
  
Sturgis smiles, he knows I'm right. "No, I guess I wouldn't have either. So what are you making?"  
  
"You want some?"  
  
Sturgis grins. "Depends on what your making."  
  
"Philly cheese steaks."  
  
Now Sturgis pulls up a chair to sit down. "Hell ya I'm eating."  
  
"Hey do you remember the Army-Navy game our junior year? We went out with... oh, what the hell was his name. He was our starting fullback."  
  
Sturgis' face lights up in remembrance. "Yeah, Bill Holtz. We went to that Philly cheese steak restaurant, damn those were good."  
  
"What ever happened to him? The last thing I remember he was on a cruiser in the Sea Hawk carrier group during the Gulf."  
  
"He got out just after that." It not surprising I don't remember that. I don't remember anything about the vast majority of my friends during that period. I was too wrapped up in the immediate results of my ramp strike, my injuries, and my guilt to even care about them.  
  
"So how's Mattie?" Neither one of us is making a move to clean up dinner.  
  
"Good, good. I haven't seen her in a while, but we've called each other a couple times."  
  
Sturgis downs the rest of his beer. "I did some thinking about this when I was out in Seattle and I should have asked you earlier. Have you given any thought as to where she's going to live?"  
  
"I'm hoping here with me."  
  
"Here, here?"  
  
"No, I'd have to get a new place, but some where in the area."  
  
"Do you think she'll be receptive to that?"  
  
"I'm not positive, but I think she'll want to. She deserves the chance to just be a kid for a change. Oh, and in case I haven't thanked you recently, thanks for getting our court date moved up."  
  
"It was nothing Harm."  
  
"Yes it was. It could have been months away. You know how backlogged juvenile court can get." I don't want to know how much Mattie would've begun doubting me had it taken that long.  
  
Sturgis stands and starts cleaning up and I join him. "So how are things at JAG?"  
  
"Pretty much the same as you left it. Harriet's working on this massive U.S.O. event in Baghdad, Coates is planning the Admiral's wedding."  
  
Sturgis winces, "How's that going?"  
  
"I'm too busy to care, besides the amount of money I hear they're going to spend is ridiculous."  
  
"Do you know what a two star makes these days? He can afford it. Besides she's a professor, she's got money to throw around too."  
  
"Speaking of Coates if she asks you anything about Mattie, don't tell her anything."  
  
Sturgis gives me a puzzled look. "Then why did you tell her in the first place?"  
  
Starting the dishwasher, I turn around to see him wiping down the island. "I didn't, Mac and I went out to the Med and Mattie called JAG looking for me. Coates only knows her last name and she thinks Mattie's my girlfriend."  
  
Sturgis stops and looks up from what he's doing, he's laughing, bastard. "How'd that go?"  
  
I don't want to answer that. "How'd what go?"  
  
"You and Mac in the Med."  
  
"Difficult, and I really don't want to talk about."  
  
"That bad huh? I thought you two were getting closer."  
  
He better be talking about our friendship. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Well aren't you working on your friendship or what?"  
  
"Yeah, it's just, slow going." Sturgis doesn't respond to that as we finish cleaning up my kitchen. At least ten minutes pass before I reach the living room. "Hey, check it out." Sturgis joins me at the window to see that the snow is falling and it looks like we've gotten a half an inch so far with no sign of it letting up.  
  
"I better go. My car's tolerance for snow is practically non-existent and we both know how this city's drivers react to it."  
  
I walk him to the door. "Well thanks for stopping by."  
  
"You going to be around this weekend?"  
  
"No I'm going to head up to see Mattie. I think we're going to talk about that very issue of where she wants to live."  
  
"Alright, have a good time."  
  
I pat him on the back on his way out. "See you Monday Sturgis."  
  
1350 ZULU  
CATHERINE GALE'S APARTMENT  
LANGLY, VIRGINIA  
  
I couldn't stand it anymore I had to come. I don't like pressing her for an answer, but it's been a month. I think I'm getting a taste of Brumby went through with Mac. Although I imagine it must have a lot worse for him before she moved the ring over. I don't see her car out on the street, but there aren't many people out on the streets to begin with. The snow tapered off last night dumping two inches on us before it really started coming down this morning. Another two inches are on the ground with six more projected to follow. I'm hoping to talk to her before I make my way up to see Mattie. I'm about to open the door to Catherine's apartment when I see a woman struggling to get her bags out of a silver Chevy Suburban. My momma taught me better than to not offer my help in this case. "Excuse me, do you need a hand?" Its Catherine, she's spun around so fast that she dropped her bag in the process and shit! "Ohhh." Catherine would have dropped to the ice herself if I hadn't caught her and broke her fall as she dragged me down with her. At least she didn't land on her stomach or anything. Catherine lies there for a moment and pushes the hair out of her eyes, hair that's covered in lazy, fat snowflakes. She couldn't look more amazing if she tried.  
  
She's right on top of me, her belly pressing into me. "Harm what are doing here?"  
  
I give her a wane smile, God my head hurts. "Nice to see you too."  
  
Catherine smiles back at me. "Anything broken?"  
  
"Smacked my head against the curb." Felt like my teeth were going to rattle out of my head and eyes pop out. "You okay?"  
  
"I'm okay." I manage to get up and help Catherine to her feet.  
  
I grab three of the seven bags Catherine has in the back of her SUV. "What happened to the Beemer?"  
  
"I got rid of it. With the baby and all..." Catherine trails off there, but there's no need to explain. Catherine holds the door open for me, but I have to insist she goes first. I don't want her falling down again. "You sure you're okay?"  
  
"I'm fine." I stumbled up a few stairs so now I'm taking it slow. This is result of having too many concussions, every blow to the head knocks you around for a while longer than it normally should.  
  
"You can set them down on the table." Catherine shrugs off her coat and begins sorting out the various items. It looks like she did some grocery and Christmas shopping. After I bring up the last three bags and set them down. I lean up against her kitchen wall, my head protesting sharply all the way.  
  
Catherine makes short work of the last few bags as well. "What were you doing out in this weather?"  
  
"I heard we were supposed to get a lot more snow so I wanted to stock up on the necessities before it got really bad outside and I was stuck in here." She looks away as she puts a box of oatmeal in her pantry. "Besides, I could ask you the same thing."  
  
I think it's kinda obvious why I'm here, but I'll answer it anyway. "I wanted to see you."  
  
"Harm..." Oh God, by the look in her eyes I can tell she still hasn't made up her mind yet. Has she given any thought to me at all? "Has your life changed at all since we last spoke?"  
  
What kind of question is that? "Of course it has."  
  
"How?"  
  
This feels more like an interview than anything else. "I'm finally settling back into JAG. My petition to get custody of Mattie is coming together."  
  
Catherine's eyebrows rise up a bit. "So you're still going through with that?"  
  
"I told you I was, I don't need you to be my instant family." This feels like we're going in circles.  
  
It's when I step away from the wall that I hear Catherine gasp. "Harm!" She's looking at the wall and when I turn back, I see the bright, crimson blood on the wall. Reaching back, I can feel my hair is wet and clumped together.  
  
Pulling back my hand, its covered in blood. "Jesus." Catherine quickly helps me out of my coat. The back of it has some blood on it, but it appears that most of it absorbed right into my sweatshirt underneath it. I think it's a total loss. Once that's off, I can see that my gray Annapolis tee shirt survived the bloodletting. This shirt always survives. Catherine sticks my head under the showerhead and I watch with disbelief how much blood runs out of my hair.  
  
"Sit down and don't move." Catherine rummages around in her cupboard, finally producing a first aid kit. She tries to stand behind me, but I won't allow it.  
  
"Maybe if you weren't six months pregnant I'd let you stand behind me and do that. Find a chair and sit down."  
  
Catherine takes the chair in front of me. "So how do you propose we do this while I'm sitting down?"  
  
I'm going to ignore the sarcasm in her voice. "Like this." Leaning forward, I put my forehead lightly on top of her belly. This of course serves a dual purpose. She can take care of my head and I get to feel closer to her. I can feel her parting my hair to find the gash on my head. I can see her taking a piece of gauze out of her kit so I guess she found it. Then she parts more hair further down my head. "You have a piece of glass imbedded in the back of your head."  
  
"Well pull it out."  
  
Catherine sighs a bit. "Wait here." When she comes back she carrying an old, beat up towel. Taking a seat, she pulls my head towards her. She tilts my head to one side before pausing.  
  
"Everything okay?"  
  
"Shhh, let me concentrate on what I'm doing okay?" I can feel her pulling piece of glass out of my head and pressing that towel to the wound after she removes it. She hands the glass piece to me to see. Good lord, its about the size of a nickel, how didn't I feel that? After a few minutes, Catherine takes me back into the shower and rinses off my head again. Then we head back into the kitchen where she presses two new pieces of gauze to my head, one for each gash. We sit here like this for a long time. Catherine's holding the gauze in place with one hand and running her fingers through my hair with the other. I can't help but lean into her touch and sigh. Sometimes it really feels nice to be taken care of. "You're really getting into this aren't you?"  
  
"I'm really getting into you." Catherine stops her hand and rests it on her thigh. I want to look up at her, but she won't let me. "I told you, I'm not going to start a relationship with anyone I can't see myself marrying."  
  
"And Colonel MacKenzie?" Oh my God.  
  
"There is no Mac and there never will be. Right now, with the way we fight, it's hard to even call her a good friend."  
  
"And Mattie?" That's where I draw the line. No way am I giving her up.  
  
"I still want Mattie, but I want to make you a big part of my life too. I..." Whoa, with my cheek against her belly I just felt a huge movement from her baby. Resisting the incredible urge to reach out and stroke that miracle in the making takes everything I've got and I think she knows it.  
  
Her hand comes to rest on her belly near my cheek; I can smell the hand lotion she uses. "You feel that?"  
  
"Yeah, from down here it was pretty damn incredible."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Now she's not strong enough to hold my head down. "Okay?" Don't jerk me around here Catherine.  
  
She only nods. "Okay, lets give us a try." I don't say anything more except to pull her into my lap and hug her tightly. "Sorry if I'm a little heavier now."  
  
"You're not heavy, you're beautiful." As Catherine leans back, I can see her wipe a tear from her eyes. "I'm sorry about the blood on the wall."  
  
Catherine just gives me a watery, but luminous smile. "Well worth the result."  
  
"How'd she take it?" Catherine moves in behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist, holding me close. I slip my cell into my pants pocket, wrap my arms around hers, and sigh.  
  
"As well as could be expected." Which is to say, not well. I'm heading up there early tomorrow morning. Catherine refused to let me drive in these conditions especially since I cracked my head against the pavement. I'll bet we're getting all of those predicted 8 inches and then some. I've since then made us an early lunch and spent nearly a half an hour scrubbing the blood off the wall. She's awfully quiet and right now, it feels like she's completely leaning into me. "You okay back there?"  
  
"Hmmm?" Catherine pushes herself back as she yawns. "Sorry, I'm feeling so drained lately."  
  
"Why don't we get you to bed? A nap might perk you right up." Catherine nods her agreement and I lead the way to her bedroom.  
  
Catherine smiles at me as I tuck her into bed. "Sorry I'm not a better host."  
  
I smile back at her. "My pregnant girlfriend can fall asleep anytime she damn well wants to." To my own delight, she seems to glow in response. A quick kiss on her forehead and I leave her there to rest. Catherine doesn't have anything I think I'd enjoy reading so I'm currently studying the pictures in her hallway. One looks like her high school graduation picture with her family, her father included. He must have died while she was in law school because he's in her college graduation picture too, but not in the one of her law school graduation. There are several others of her with her family during what must be vacations or family gatherings of some nature. There are a couple of them of Catherine with her girlfriends too. I've got tons of photos like these at home, but I don't have the wall space to hang them all. I find my savior when I turn on the T.V. 'The Hunt for the Red October' is playing. Lowering the volume, I lay back on Catherine's couch and smile. I can't watch this film without thinking about Sturgis anymore. Alec Baldwin, was that really a year and half ago already?  
  
"Hey wake up." Stirring I wake up to find Catherine whispering in my ear. The last thing I remember was watching Alec Baldwin being lowered like a worm on a hook to the U.S.S Dallas.  
  
"What's going on?"  
  
Catherine points to the window. "Look." The snow's stopped and the sun has poked through the clouds even though it's starting to set. "Do you want to go outside and get some fresh air?"  
  
I respond with a lion sized yawn first. "Sure". Catherine only smiles. It only takes a moment to retrieve something suitable out of my SUV for wearing outside. Hand in hand, we make our way to a local park not far from where she lives. There's a few stray snowflakes still falling, enough to coat her nose and eyelashes. A few of my favorite things indeed. Looking around I see a lot of tracks that have been partially covered up with snow. It was probably a bunch of kids enjoying their new winter wonderland. When I turn back around, I see Catherine lying flat on her back. I don't know whether to damn myself for letting her fall or question her lack of coordination. "Are you okay?!"  
  
Catherine looks up at me, and smiles. "Of course."  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Making a snow angel." And she's loving it; I've rarely seen a grown adult woman doing something like this before.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because its fun and I've been making them every year since I was a kid."  
  
"Looks kinda silly from up here."  
  
Her facial expression just oozes self-assurance. "You want to make one too, you just don't want to admit it."  
  
I shrug indifferently, I've made them before, and I'll probably end up making one here, I just want to at least put up a token protest. "I was always more into snowball fights."  
  
"Well since I'm in no condition to do that, you'll have to make snow angels with me." I can feel the snow working its way between my jacket and my pants, but I keep on making my angel. Eventually, I'm going to have to learn how to tell this woman no, but not today. Turning my head, I can see the full moon rising above the snow-laden branches of the trees lining the pond nearby. It's going to be a clear and cold night.  
  
"I'm getting wet." The snow simply can't be ignored forever.  
  
"Okay, lets go home." I like the sound of that. Getting up, I brush off all the snow from my pants and jacket and looking at Catherine I think she's just discovered that her body's new shape won't allow her to get up without wreaking her angel. "A little help." I shouldn't be laughing, but I can't help a small one. Grasping both of her hands, I pull her up quickly and spare the angel. We're almost out of the park when she starts talking to me again. I guess the emotions of pregnant woman aren't something to play around with. "What does Mattie think about me?"  
  
I wasn't expecting this. "Um, well she doesn't know a whole lot about you. She knows that I was very interested in you, but we weren't seeing each other. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Well eventually I'm going to meet her."  
  
"Did you want to come up with me?"  
  
She only shakes her head. "No you go ahead, there'll be plenty of time for that later on. So what does everyone at JAG think about her?"  
  
"They don't know about her yet. The Admiral met her when she was still my boss, and Jennifer Coates thinks she's my girlfriend, but other than Sturgis no one knows the truth."  
  
"Why aren't you telling them?" Good question. "I thought you'd have at least told Colonel MacKenzie."  
  
"I could have, but I don't want to deal with the hassle. Mac would just spout off something about how expensive it is to raise a child or how hard it is or something else that would just undermine my confidence." That's part of the reason I made her wait outside my door two weeks ago. Mattie's potential matchmaking ability was the other. I didn't want to put that to the test. "The Admiral would be more of the same and I know for a fact he can't stand her. I could tell Bud and Harriet, but they'd never tell me what they were really thinking. Sturgis on the other hand has been a big help already and he's been supportive. Plus Mattie likes him." We walk in silence until we reach the door of her apartment. "Hold up a sec." Walking over to where I think I fell and brush away a few inches of snow to find the crystallized blood on the concrete and additional pieces of an Absolute vodka bottle next to it. I had to know if I was bleeding the whole time or not. "What do you feel like for desert?"  
  
"You're giving me the choice?"  
  
I stand up and walk back over to her. "You're the one who's pregnant."  
  
It only takes Catherine a moment to decide. "Cheese cake, cheese cake with cherry pie filling on top. Oh, walnuts and whipped cream too."  
  
Now that's a detailed request for such a short time. "Anything else?"  
  
"Yeah, drive safe. I'll have the spaghetti well under way before you get back." Pulling her close I indulge in one long, slow kiss before I head to my car.  
  
1346 ZULU  
MATTIE GRACE'S RESIDENCE  
BLACKSBERG, VIRGINIA  
  
"You made it!" Mattie has me in hug before I even got close to the door.  
  
"Of course I made it."  
  
"I just thought with you being at Ms. Gales' house that..."  
  
"Mattie." My tone's enough to warn her that she's doing it again. "Do you need to see the gashes in my head?"  
  
"I'm sorry Harm, it's just hard for me..."  
  
"To count on others?" I finish for her.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
I'm going to change that. "It's okay. Old habits die hard, I know." I follow Mattie inside the house and drop my bag on the foyer floor. "Did you finish dusting all the fields in time?"  
  
"Barely, there was a half an inch of snow on the ground when the last plane landed yesterday. The storm took its time to reach us, thank God."  
  
"So what now?"  
  
"Not a whole lot. We'll go over all the equipment and make any needed repairs then we close up for the winter. I'll spend those months talking to farmers; trying to get new clients. The rest is all updating our paperwork, buying new equipment if need be, and recruiting new pilots if it looks like some of the guys are going to quit." No one should have to deal with this kind of responsibility at her age. "Did you eat breakfast yet?"  
  
"I wanted to get a jump start getting here so I skipped it."  
  
Mattie just laughs at me. "This from the guy who gave me a lecture about breakfast being the most important meal of the day."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah; the one and the same. Did you eat breakfast yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well people who live in glass houses..." Mattie tosses an apple at me from her countertop, which I easily catch.  
  
"I'll make breakfast."  
  
"What are you making?"  
  
"French toast, its my favorite." Then her voice saddens and nearly breaks my heart, "My mom taught me how to make it."  
  
I set down the apple and lift her chin with a finger. "And that's the part of your mom you'll never lose. Those memories are what keeps your mom alive."  
  
"You think so?"  
  
"Of course I do. You know when I was showing you the Tomcats?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"My dad did that with me when I was five. I barely knew my father, but I've never forgotten that moment." Mattie looks at me with this wide-eyed expression on her face. I think she's coming around to the realization that I see her as a daughter and nothing less.  
  
Her lip trembles, but she doesn't cry. "I don't think I'll ever forget it either." Mattie turns towards her fridge and pulls out milk, eggs, and the syrup she needs for the French toast. I wish Catherine could have seen this. Then again, it took Mattie a while to open up to me. If she'd been here maybe we wouldn't have had this wonderful moment... or maybe it would have been even better I don't know. I imagine it'll take some time for her to warm up to Catherine.  
  
"So how is Catherine?"  
  
I can't help the smile that's coming to my face. "She's fine."  
  
"She's obviously more than just that to you."  
  
"We worked things out yesterday."  
  
Mattie pushes aside her empty plate and leans her elbows on the table. "So you're dating now?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"And she's pregnant?"  
  
"Six months."  
  
"Yours?"  
  
How do I answer that? "She says it's not mine."  
  
Mattie notices that instantly. "But you don't believe her." She is entirely too smart for her own good.  
  
"Lets just say I'll have a paternity test done if the baby looks a little too much like me."  
  
"Do you wish it was?"  
  
This is a dangerous question to answer, but I will because she deserves the truth. "Yes, but I'm not dating her because I think the baby might be mine or not, I just want her in my life." Mattie doesn't say anything, but I can see the doubt filling up her mind again. "Mattie, I want you in my life too, there's nothing out there that's going to change that okay?"  
  
"I just thought..."  
  
"What? That if I eventually had a wife and a child of my own I wouldn't absolutely need you in my life. Sorry, I'm way beyond that point already." Mattie allows herself a small smile that I assume wasn't meant for me, rather her. If that gave her the security, she needs then I did what I set out to do. "Speaking of which, that question you asked on Friday? Where would you like to live Mattie?"  
  
"You mean during the hearing?"  
  
"No I mean permanently. Cause if you want to stay here that's fine. If you'd like to live with me we'd probably move to different area than where I am now, but we'd still have a place to come home to at night."  
  
"Am I even going to have a choice in the matter? Won't the courts say that I have to stay with you?"  
  
"Maybe for a while. If I permit it, I think you're allowed to be on your own when you're 16. Provided I know where you are at all times of course."  
  
"What about Grace Aviation? My house?"  
  
Time to be a lawyer and discuss options. "Okay, just hear me out on this. The business and the house are your assets, and they will always remain that way. We've got a couple of different paths to chose from. One, you move in with me, we sell off your house and your business, and put all the money in the bank under your name." Mattie looks stunned that I'd consider selling her family's legacy. "That's just an option Mattie, everything is completely up to you. Secondly, you move in with me, we keep your business and hire a manager to run it for you."  
  
"Harm I can't hire a manager. The money is always tight."  
  
"We could if we sold off your house. If you didn't have to make the mortgage payment on this place, you could hire a manager and still put money in the bank. Actually, even more so, cause you wouldn't have to pay for food or any of the other stuff I'd already be taking care of." Mattie appears to be considering that option. I'll bet this house hasn't been a home to her since her mother died. "Lastly, you move in with me until you're 16 and then you can move back here, but I still insist upon school."  
  
"What about Grace Aviation while I was gone?"  
  
Please tell me she's not seriously thinking about this option. "We'd have to hire a manager or you could try to run it from here. Realistically you'd only be missing about six months right? March through May, and September through November?"  
  
"Yeah that sounds about right."  
  
"After that you'd be 16 and could be there everyday after school."  
  
"I don't have to make a choice right now do I?"  
  
"No, you've got a lot of time before you have to make that decision."  
  
Mattie thundering down the stairs makes a racket like you can't imagine. Well maybe mom could, I seem to remember her yelling at me for doing it often enough. I'm on the couch watching the Redskins game. They're ahead, but I still think Spurrier should have stayed at Florida. Mattie wraps her arms around my neck from behind.  
  
"How are they doing?"  
  
"They're winning." Mattie parts my hair a bit; I know what she's doing. "A little further down and to the right."  
  
Mattie follows my direction and finds one of them. A little more searching reveals the other. Mattie leans in and gives them a kiss. "All better?"  
  
I can feel the flush in my cheeks. "Yeah, all better." This girl is amazing. Mattie's arms move back around my neck as we watch the game for a while. Eventually she starts sliding her hands along my face, lightly pinching my cheeks, and giggling to herself.  
  
"What's so funny?"  
  
"You've got whiskers. I've never seen you with them before." I haven't shaved since Thursday morning. Three days of growth have given me a more rugged, outdoors look. This is invoking another memory of my father. Mattie gives off this wonderfully, girlish squeal as I whip around and drag her over the top of the couch.  
  
Pinning her on the couch, I hold her there, rubbing my cheeks against hers. "Whisker rub, whisker rub."  
  
"Harm! Stop it! Stop!" She's laughing so hard I know she doesn't mean it. Eventually, I get off her and she sits up, rubbing her cheeks. "What was that?!"  
  
"I told you, it was a whisker rub. My dad used to give them to me all the time." Yeah they left your cheek a little raw, but they were great for father/son bonding. I can't imagine why it wouldn't work for father/daughter bonding as well.  
  
The look in her eyes can only be described as mischievous. "If I knew you weren't going to start bleeding from those cuts on your head, I'd give you one of my uncle's old fashioned Dutch rubs."  
  
"What no Indian burns? I always took you more for an Indian burn girl."  
  
"That can be arranged." Mattie slides up next to me, warily I might add, especially when I smile at her. Eventually she settles into my shoulder and I wrap my right arm around her shoulders as we watch the Redskins beat up on the Cowboys who are doing far better this season than I'd anticipated. "When do you have to go?"  
  
"In about two hours, we can still have supper together."  
  
"I'd like that."  
  
"What do you feel like having?"  
  
"Something simple, grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup."  
  
"That sounds good." Its halfway through the fourth quarter, Mattie's resting her head on my chest as I hold her close and there's nowhere else I'd rather be.  
  
1331 ZULU JAG HEADQUARTERS FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"Good morning sir. How was your weekend?" I didn't even make it to my office before Jen intercepted me in the bullpen.  
  
"Great, how was yours?  
  
Jen tilts her head, contemplating my wide smile and I'm sure my excessively cheerful attitude. "Can't complain."  
  
"Good, I'll see you around then." Grabbing my mail, I head to my office. That was truly a weekend to remember.  
  
I can hear Jen rushing to catch up to me, and slowing down to walk with me. "Sir, I take it your relationship with Ms. Grace has improved?"  
  
As we walk, I look over at her with my biggest smile. "Jen, it was never bad. The others are just clicking into place." This leaves her standing in the middle of the bullpen speechless as I continue on to my office wearing a smile. It's going to be a great week 


	7. The Gifts We're Given

Author's note: Normally I wait two episodes before I have Harm react to them, but few people could lay off the Christmas episode and I'm not one of them. Any feedback is good feedback so send it all my way.  
  
0416 ZULU  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA  
  
"How can you not love her?" Mattie's been going on like this since we climbed into my Lexus and headed home. We didn't spend any more time at the wall after Mac left. I guess we should have, but there'll be plenty of time for that. "Mac's great, we talked all the way to the wall, she really understands me you know?" And I don't? "Her corvette's awesome, plus she's got that little sister of hers, Chloe Madison. She told me she'd introduce us next time she came to visit." Climbing into the elevator, I shut the doors behind us as she keeps talking. I'd rather she just give me a moment peace. Thinking about Mac isn't one of my top priorities right now. Obviously, Mattie's forgotten all the times Mac and I have managed to hurt each other over the years, that or she's just forgiven all of Mac's transgressions. "After all she did for us how is it you..."  
  
"Mattie! Stop, no more, understood?" She's killing me with those big eyes of hers. This is the first time I've really yelled at her and I'm sure it came as a shock to her that I was capable of it. By the time we reach the front door and walk in, I'm ready with an apology. "Mattie..." Okay, so maybe I'm not. "I'm sorry okay? I just don't want to talk about Mac right now."  
  
Mattie doesn't even look at me. "Okay." Well that was easy, maybe too easy, but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  
  
"Okay then. You can have the bed until I figure something out."  
  
"If Catherine's such a good girlfriend why wasn't she there for us in court?" Damn it. Turning around I see she hasn't moved an inch. "Or why didn't you tell that witch Lemoyne, that you had a significant other?"  
  
"I thought I told you to drop it." We've been dating for two weeks; I didn't want Mattie based on the condition that I had a girlfriend at the time. Besides, I wouldn't call us significant just yet and I wouldn't want any potential breakup to cost me Mattie.  
  
"I'm talking about Catherine, not Mac." Sure she is, everything that's been coming out of her mouth has been about Mac. This is just a back door entrance to the same topic.  
  
"She's in Paris and you know it." I protested her move only briefly. In the end, it'll put another feather in her cap. It's only a three-week thing, but its right over Christmas. They took her because she's only single, senior attorney in the CIA. They don't care if she's pregnant or not and Mattie has yet to meet her.  
  
"You love her, what's the problem?"  
  
"I'm not sure if I'm in love with Catherine yet." Yeah I'm misunderstanding her intentionally, but I won't be dragged back into this topic of conversation. I thought we cleared this up a month ago.  
  
"You know who I'm talking about."  
  
"I don't think I do, because I distinctly remember telling you to back off that subject."  
  
"Welcome to family life Harm. Family members tell it like it is. Get used to it."  
  
There's more to it than that. "Here's something else to get used to; go to bed." When I think Mattie has a mind to do otherwise, I follow it up. "I seem to remember a young teenager making a promise to the judge. Something about not causing trouble and doing what she's told." Mattie bits her lip and I'm sure her tongue as well. She grumbles, but follows me to the bedroom. Grabbing the spare blankets for myself, I leave her there. Its eleven thirty, time for her to be in bed anyway. "Good night."  
  
"Whatever". Her callous answer catches me off guard. How did it come to this so quickly? She's been in my care for less than an hour and she's already mad at me.  
  
I spent an hour trying to sleep before I gave up and decided to pull out a book and do some reading. I meant to read, but instead I just stared at that picture of mom and dad. It looks so easy in that picture, being a family. I honestly don't remember any bad times while dad was with us. Everything was so easy back then, or at least it seemed to be. I get in a lot arguments where Mac is involved, but usually the argument is with her, not about her. If Mattie had given me some space to sort, some things out maybe I could have quantified my feelings about Mac and what she did. Given the way I treated her, what she did was incredible and I feel like such an ass because of it. There's something else at work there too. Sturgis; he's the reason I had to go to Mac in the first place. I'm so pissed at him right now I'd like to pound his face in. He told me he'd be there for me and at very moment I need him the most he's nowhere to be found. I would have used Terri, but she called me last week and told me her reserve unit was being mobilized for action in Iraq to relieve another unit already over there. Having to ask Mac drained me, after my encounter with Mrs. Lemoyne I just couldn't deal with any more criticism from women. The fact that Mac still came after I delivered my parting shot as I left her apartment reminds me of how amazing she really is. I didn't think I could feel any worse when she showed up, but I did. It got a lot worse after she started singing my praises.  
  
'I've given a lot of thought to the kind of man that I would want to be the father of my children if I ever... Commander Rabb is that kind of man...'  
  
Christ sake, if there was anything on Earth that could have made me feel worse at that moment I don't know what it might be. You know it occurred to me as I made my bed here on the couch that I didn't thank her, either in the courtroom or at the wall. I'll remedy that, and soon. I don't think it'll be tomorrow, because I'm not sure if I should leave Mattie here alone or not. I'll stop by Bud and Harriet's tomorrow and drop off the gifts for A.J and James. I bought Mac a gift; it's just a pair of gloves. Not too expensive, but nice. I happen to know she tore her favorite pair changing a flat on her car. Even if Mattie comes along, she's just going to have to wait in the car while when I drop those off. I knew I was right in keeping them separated, Mattie's match making is more than enough to be concerned about. I wish she'd let it go and just accept Catherine's place in my life... wow, I sound like mom. How many times did she say that to me about Frank? I'm going to have to lay down the law about her driving around town too.  
  
I trace mom's smile in that picture before sliding it back into the book and setting it down on the table. I called her yesterday, she was... concerned. I think that's the best way to describe her reaction to Mattie. I don't know if its concern that I don't know what I'm doing or that I'll never get married and this is my way of having a family of my own. It scares me to think that anything less than marital or blood relation won't be good enough for her. Grandma's reaction was worse, I think. It's the first instance I can recall where she was in total agreement and then some with mom. She sounded more disappointed as well; I think part of it's the issue of the Rabb name being passed on. Sergei obviously isn't going to use it, which means I'm still the last Rabb male in the family. That's nothing new; Rabb men have always been in extremely short supply. My great Grandfather came to America in 1897; he was five at the time, traveling with his father and mother. His father and newborn sister both died of cholera within two years of moving to Pittsburgh. They lived on the outskirts of town working a small sharecropping farm until Great Grandpa took his new bride and his mother and moved to what is now the Belleville area. His mother died when he was twenty. Grandma never told me how; I don't think she knew herself. My Grandpa was born in 1921, the youngest of six children. He had five older sisters, only three of which survived a sweep of small pox across New England. There was a brother somewhere in the middle of all those girls, but he was still born. Naturally after that of course, my Grandfather and father each lived to sire a single son before heading off into combat and never returning, just enough to continue the line. Dad actually got to spend quite a lot of time with his grandfather before he died. Taught dad to farm, to hunt, how to fix an engine... I'd like to say he was trying to distract dad from following in Grandpa's footsteps, but Grandma always said that he had been immensely proud that at the very least his son had done his duty, and served with distinction. Grandpa wasn't shot down; he was credited with seven kills at the time. No, he died when he put his Wildcat into a stall trying to help his wingman. He never regained control and plunged into the sea. Mom helped me track down the few surviving members of his squadron to get that information for my grade school history project. As for Great Grandpa, he died in 1966. Grandma has been searching since 1973 for a photograph. I've never seen it, but Grandma says it's a picture of Great Grandpa, dad and I in the farmhouse kitchen when we came to celebrate my first birthday there with them. I'd love to see it; I don't remember him at all. So here I am, the last remaining Rabb of the three in that picture with no heir to uphold our name. That's part of the reason I don't call mom or Grandma that often. I long grew tired of fielding questions about how Mac was doing, how Renee was doing, ect. That, and the constant demand for children of my own.  
  
Getting up I head to the kitchen for a drink and swing by the bedroom to check on Mattie. It looks like she's sound asleep. She's been one surprise after another. That judge has no idea of the challenges I really face. There are the challenges they're concerned about plus the ones they don't even know about. Things like her business and her house but more importantly her lack of faith in people, including me. I guess all the contingency plans I had about her business and home were kinda pointless. Hell, I didn't even have some of the most basic facts in my corner. Her dad's living in her house now, well I guess it's their house actually. He's going to make the house payments; he's gotten a job up there apparently. I don't know what he's doing and I don't care so long as he makes the payments. To be honest there's no way I could have made them on that house. We would've had to sell off every plane and piece of equipment in her business. As it is, I still don't know what we're going to do with all that stuff. Sarah's safe and sound in another hanger. There was no way I was going to let something happen to her. I've got to stop thinking like this. I have Mattie, that's all that matters right now.  
  
"Harm?" I roll over on the couch, burying my face into the pillow. I don't want to get up. "Harm, wake up."  
  
"Go to back to bed." I can't manage anything more than a mumble at this point. I can feel her tugging at my blankets a little. I think she's doing something. "Jeez your feet are cold!" She's got colder feet than anyone I know, she slipped one underneath the blankets and pressed it on the small of my back. Rolling over again I protect my back while pulling the blankets in close to me. Mattie smiles as she flops down on top of me. "Oh, you're way too big to be doing things like that to an old man."  
  
Mattie laughs and pinches my cheek. "You're not old." We laugh together only briefly before she stops. "Look Harm, about last night..."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Me too. I just want you to be happy."  
  
"You don't think I am? I've got you."  
  
Mattie smiles at me and kisses me on the cheek. "I just thought you could be even more happy with Mac too."  
  
I don't even know where to begin this anymore. "Mattie..."  
  
"I know, I know. Catherine's your girlfriend not Mac, I understand. I'm sure she's a wonderful woman." She is that, and more. "I'm just..." She's what?  
  
"Go on."  
  
Mattie just sighs. "I guess my matchmaking for Mac wasn't entirely for your benefit." What? "I... I guess feel a little threatened by Catherine." Then why would she want Mac in the picture either? Both of them would take up the primary female role in my life.  
  
"Mattie, you and Catherine occupy different parts of my life. Each of you has your own relationship..."  
  
Mattie shakes her head interrupting me. "Not Catherine herself, I mean Catherine's baby." I guess that makes sense... no it doesn't. That doesn't make any sense at all. Something in me just wants to say 'What the fuck?'  
  
"Why would you feel like that?"  
  
Mattie hops off me and sits on the coffee table. I don't want that thing breaking so I sit up and pat the spot next to me on the couch. When she sits down and I cover her up with my blankets she answers. "I just... Harm you don't even know if that baby is yours or not and I know you wish it was." She's got me there, although that feeling has faded somewhat. I've got Catherine; the fact that she's pregnant is irrelevant. Well not irrelevant, but certainly of lesser importance than it was before. "Even if it isn't, I know you're going to love that child and I just thought... I thought you'd probably like the baby more than you'd like me." Well let's put her insecurity on the top of the list of things we're going to have to work on together.  
  
Wrapping an arm around her, I pull her close. "Hey, if that were true don't you think I would have changed my mind when I started dating Catherine. Or maybe I would've just given up on you when things got tough?"  
  
"I guess so."  
  
"You have to believe me when I say there's nobody I want more than you."  
  
Mattie's eyes water a little bit, but she doesn't shed any tears. They wouldn't have been sad tears anyway. "I'm sorry for doubting you on that."  
  
"Its okay."  
  
Mattie's leaning her head against my shoulder, but doesn't look up at me when she starts talking again. "Is it still okay if I talk to Mac and her sister?"  
  
"Yeah its okay. Mac's a good friend and an even better role model. You're a lot like her you know?"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Sure. You're both independent, intelligent and strong. You like to do things on your own. Chloe's pretty much the same way." I'd say Chloe's more of a typical teenager than Mattie is though. There's a lot more she shares with them that I won't mention, at least with Mac anyway; Alcoholic fathers, parents who abandon them, problems with trust, and an unbelievable stubborn streak. Mattie's a lot older than Chloe was when Mac first met her, I don't know if she'll be able to shape Mattie the way she did Chloe. Hold the phone moron, that's your job, not Mac's remember?  
  
"Are we going anywhere today?"  
  
"Not really. We've just got to drop off some gifts, then it's just you, me and all the Christmas cookies you can eat." The Admiral's working today with a few of the more unlucky junior officers. Tomorrow I have to come in with the rest of the junior officers to finish out the week.  
  
2155 ZULU FALLS CHURCH YMCA FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"Alright guys good practice today." Sturgis can't possibly mean that. John Mueller and Zach Tompkins, shot like shit and I'm so pissed at Sturgis that every part of my game sucked ass. Sturgis and I are the only ones from our floor playing in this basketball league. John and Zach are both from the family legal services department two floors down. The rest are from mix of specialties. One works in the judiciary branch, the other three are staffers from throughout the building I guess. Sturgis assembled this team while I was with the CIA so besides John and Zach they're all new faces to me. Sturgis called this practice after work today. He came in at noon to catch up on some paperwork or something. Despite the lack of personnel, I was fielding a lot of questions about Mattie today; thankfully, the Admiral wasn't there. I really didn't need to deal with him today. I don't need to get home that quickly; Mattie'll be fine on her for now. Taking a few free throws, I wonder how much longer it'll be home to me. I honestly don't know how I can reconfigure my place to give Mattie her own bedroom. If Child Services were to come back in two weeks and see that I hadn't made any progress, they'll take her away, I'm sure of that. I make six in a row before my last shot bounces of the iron and towards the sideline. "How come you didn't shoot that well during practice?" Sturgis, still in his gym clothes tosses the ball back at me. Ignoring him, I turn around and promptly miss the next shot too. I know why, I didn't have the latest source of my irritation staring me in the face every second. Sturgis tracks down that shot as well and holds the ball against his hip. "What the hell's the matter with you?"  
  
"Nothing, gimme the ball back."  
  
Sturgis shakes his head. "Like hell there isn't. You haven't said a word to me all day and frankly your game sucked today."  
  
"I'm just having an off day." I don't know why I said that, I could have told him the truth. I guess part of me just wants to brood over what he did or didn't do in this case.  
  
"No you aren't. Your mad at me from some reason." Idiot. It took you that long to figure it out and you still don't even know the reason why?  
  
"Tell him what he's won Johnny."  
  
"Knock it off and tell me why you've got that stick up your ass today."  
  
"Where were you?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't play games with me, where the fuck were you?"  
  
"When?"  
  
"You know when, damn it. Last Friday, where the hell were you? Shit, where were you all weekend? I tried your home, your cell, and your beeper. After that I called your dad, but he wasn't home either."  
  
Sturgis looks like he's thinking back about what he was doing all that time. Because of him, I had to go to Mac on Friday night and ask for her help, because of him Mac and I got into a fight, because of him Mac made me look like an ass, and because of him, I feel like one too. Sturgis dribbles the ball a few times before draining a 20 footer. "I was with Verese Chestnut the whole time and I won't apologize for it either."  
  
The ball bounces to me and I throw it at his head with as much force as I can. Sturgis ducks as the ball flies over his head and up into the bleachers. It wouldn't have hit him anyway. "Son of a Bitch! So you left me hanging out to dry while you chased a damn skirt?!"  
  
"Verese is not some skirt!"  
  
"Bullshit! You felt your weekend fling was more important than your promise to help me out in court!"  
  
"Is there a problem here?" Looking over I see a manager heading our way, ball in hand.  
  
Sturgis turns to face him as well. "No, we're just having a disagreement."  
  
The manager gives the ball back to Sturgis hissing at both of us. "If you two can't settle down I'm going to ask you to leave. If you need to fight, find some other place else to do it."  
  
The manager walks away and Sturgis turns back towards me. "If you're waiting for an apology, forget it. It's not going to happen, besides that's why you had two witnesses remember?"  
  
"And she has an excuse I can accept. She's being deployed to Iraq with the rest of her unit. She couldn't be here to testify after she got her marching orders. I told you that, I trusted you, I was counting on you, and when the chips were down you weren't there for me. And because of you I had to go to Mac for help."  
  
"And you got Mattie so what the hell are you bitching about?" He's doesn't know the half of it. The courts didn't give her to me; her father did, with Mac's help of course. I owe Mac a world of an apology and my thanks. Because of him, Mac's presence in my life has been strengthened and given our current relationships to CIA personnel, I'm not sure its such a good thing. Mic and Renee would testify to that. I don't need this right now. It'll just make Catherine more nervous and I'm not sure how Webb will react either. Where is it written that my life has to be this complicated? I don't how I feel about any of this anymore, it's all too damn complicated.  
  
My anger subsiding I walk over to the bleachers to get my towel and water bottle and get out of here. "Forget it, you'll never understand."  
  
"So I guess this means you're not going to represent me anymore?" Self absorbed little fucker aren't you?  
  
Spinning around I stare him down. "I'll be there for you every step of the way because that's what I promised you I'd do. I never turn my back to a friend in need. Right now you don't even deserve my support, but I'm still going to defend you with everything I've got regardless of what you did to me." It feels like gravel in my mouth saying that, but I mean every word.  
  
"Well aren't you mister goody two shoes." I'm not going to respond to that. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of fighting, actually that seems to be the common theme among the senior officers lately. Now all three of us have been at each other's throats in the past few months. As I pass under the hoop, I hear him call out to me. "Harm I think Verese is the one." The anger has left his voice, replaced with a quality I'm not going to stand around and identify, but that still doesn't change anything.  
  
Looking back at him, it isn't hard to see that he's telling the truth. "I hope so Sturgis, because anything less will be unacceptable."  
  
"Hi Mattie, its me." I'm currently sitting in my car outside of Mac's apartment. I need to talk to her, but I needed to check up on Mattie first.  
  
"Hey there, when are you coming home?"  
  
"That's what I'm calling about. Are you going to be okay on your own for a few more hours?"  
  
"I'll be fine, where are you now?"  
  
"At Mac's."  
  
"Yeah?" I can hear the smile on her face.  
  
Here we go again. "I just needed to talk to her and drop off her gift."  
  
"I wanted to come too."  
  
"Mattie, right now I need to talk to her in private okay? Maybe some other time."  
  
I can hear her sigh into the phone. "Okay, tell her Merry Christmas for me."  
  
"I will. I'll be home soon, is there anything you'd like me to pick up on my way home?"  
  
"A hamburger would be great, fries and a Coke too okay?  
  
Maybe I should cook more often, she'll eat better than way. "Okay, I'll see you later. Call me on my cell if you need anything."  
  
"I will, bye."  
  
"Bye." She might not even be home. We stopped by yesterday and she wasn't here. Personally, I was glad for it. I don't know what I would have said to her. Even now, I've been working up the courage to get out of my car for the last twenty minutes. God, quit being a wuss Rabb, and get your ass in there.  
  
It only took one knock on the door before she opens the door looking a little bit surprised herself. "Harm, hi."  
  
Looking at her I can't think of a single thing to say. Instead, I take one big stride towards her and engulf her in a big hug. Its not until an involuntary shudder runs through me that I feel her return it. We remain like this for a while, my cheek against her head and my nose buried in her hair. She's showered or took a bath recently because her hair's still damp and smells like wildflowers in the summer. We remain like this for I don't know how long before I realize that I had better say something. "Thank you Mac, thank you so much for everything you did for me."  
  
Mac pulls away from me to look me in the eyes. "Your welcome."  
  
"I didn't deserve any of it especially after how I treated you."  
  
"Its okay." Mac picks up a basket of laundry next to the door and takes it over to the couch. She must be washing nearly everything she has because there's three other basket loads there. She's only dressed in a pair of shorts and a Marine Corps tee shirt.  
  
"No its not." I follow her into the living room and sit down on her chair next to the couch. "You didn't deserve any of it and I'm sorry."  
  
"Why?"  
  
What? "Why am I sorry?"  
  
"No why did you say it?" I guess things have changed. In the past, she'd accept my apology and we'd move on. "I want to know what drove you to say something so mean."  
  
This is going to be hard, but I guess if I want to keep my friendship with Mac I've got no other option to take. "That anger wasn't entirely directed entirely at you Mac."  
  
"How's that?" She doesn't believe me. I don't blame her, I wouldn't believe me either.  
  
"The woman the court sent to interview me and determine my suitability as a parent, Mrs. LaMoyne?"  
  
"What about her?"  
  
"Everything I did or said wasn't good enough for her. When I got more resistance from you I couldn't take it anymore and I lashed out."  
  
"What resistance did I give you? I didn't say no."  
  
I never even thought about that. She's right, she didn't say no, just like I didn't say it in Sydney. I guess I'm guilty of hearing without listening too. "You're right, but the lousy son comment cut me a lot more than you know. I've done everything I could to be a good son to both of my parents." That really did hurt.  
  
Mac grimaces, as I'm sure she recalls it. "I'm sorry I said that. The things you did trying to find your father... you didn't deserve that either. You are a good son, but at the time you didn't seem that hurt by it."  
  
"That's because I didn't want to get into an argument before I even asked you for vouch for me. Honestly, the last week or so, trying to get Mattie... I haven't been subjected to that much criticism from any one group of people since the Academy. I didn't handle it well, and I took it all out on you."  
  
Mac looks at me with a disbelieving look on her face. "Harm I went through OCS, you don't know what criticism is until you've gone through that."  
  
"How long is OCS?" I know the answer of course I just want her to say it.  
  
"Ten weeks."  
  
"The upperclassmen at the Academy didn't lay off me for an entire year."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
I shrug my shoulders. "Because they were just kids, and I didn't like taking orders from kids." I did a lot of fighting those first two years, especially that first one. That's how I met Sturgis; the boxing ring was my best friend for a long time.  
  
"Hold that thought." Mac runs into the kitchen to answer her phone. Those were difficult years. I had friends, but even they resented my stubbornness to obey orders. Mac comes back grumbling something about telemarketers. "Harm you were just a kid too."  
  
No I wasn't. "Kids don't kill people Mac."  
  
"They do now." True enough, but not like I did.  
  
"Kids don't run around in foreign countries, using automatic weapons, explosives, and boasting a body count in the mid to upper thirties Mac. Maybe their eyes didn't carry the innocence of a six-year-old Mac, but compared to me they were all children. I'd seen and done things they couldn't have even imagined." I know Mac prides herself on the extensive weaponry training she's received, but if we were to race at rebuilding a stripped down M-16 or AK-47 I'd beat her everyday of the week and twice on Sunday. Stryker wouldn't allow for anything less. There's nothing like the fear of death to motivate someone to learn something quickly, thoroughly and to complete that task rapidly if needed. "Kids don't have sealed files with the CIA and State Department before their seventeenth birthday." I looked my CIA file while I was on probation. It wasn't complete; they only had about half of what I actually did over there included in that file. MI-6 actually gave them the majority of information they did have. There were a few surveillance photos of me in the file from the assets on the ground the Brits must have had in place. I copied the best one and stuck it in my album once I received the clearance to do so.  
  
"So what straightened you out?"  
  
"At the end of my freshman year the Academy superintendent called me into his office. Basically, he said that if I didn't straighten out and fly right either I should look into transferring to another college or I'd be dropped from the Academy. I wanted to fly too badly to allow that to happen so I obeyed orders from then on. Even then, nothing really worked until I started talking to one of the psychologists there at the Academy."  
  
Mac arches both eyebrows at me. "You went to a shrink?" I wish she wouldn't say it like that.  
  
"I did what I had to do to stay in. Basically I needed someone to unload on who couldn't reveal to others what I told them."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Mac, the guys I was running with, we broke... I don't know how many local and international laws we were violating on a daily basis. We were constantly avoiding Vietnamese patrols although sometimes that wasn't possible and we got into firefights. If we'd been captured it would have been a huge international incident. I couldn't risk that information getting out into the open. The Commander I talked to was shocked at my story. He couldn't believe some of the things I admitted to, but at least he could respond to it and give me some advice." When I got back the CIA and the State Department debriefed me. Both had different agendas though. The State Department just bitched at me, yelling about how much trouble I'd caused already and how much I could have caused if I'd been caught. The CIA just wanted as much intelligence as they could get. My debriefing was short compared to Stryker's. He was the one they really wanted.  
  
"I suppose you're not going to tell me about any of it are you."  
  
I just shrug my shoulders at her. "I can't tell you any thing specific; no dates, faces or places."  
  
Mac taps her chin in response thinking it over. "You were just a kid back then. So what did they have you do?"  
  
"Well I didn't start putting on all this height and mass until I turned 17 so I didn't have the power for hand to hand combat yet. That ruled out being a part of the insertion teams. So theoretically, while we were out in the field I could have held down two other specialties."  
  
Mac smiles. "Of course, but theoretically speaking what might have been some of the things you did?" Good, just so we understand each other.  
  
"Well because of my size at the time, I became quite the tunnel rat. Mostly everything we were doing or trying to do was simply intelligence gathering. The tunnels were often times the best places to do that. Sometimes I'd come back up with documentation about mass gravesites. Sometimes they were Viet Cong, sometimes they were ours. We'd stop and dig them up to retrieve dog tags or any other identification could find."  
  
Mac stops folding her shirt, she looks as intrigued as I've ever seen her. "Did you find any dog tags?"  
  
"A few, we mailed them to a Navy Chaplin stationed in Japan from Saigon. We included information about where we found them and how many bodies didn't have any identification on them. When the Army sent in recovery teams with Vietnamese consent years later they used quite a bit of the information we provided."  
  
"What was it like in the tunnels?"  
  
"Small, dark and damp. It smelled too. Everything smelled like mildew, mold, and rot. There's nothing I've experienced since that can match the claustrophobic feeling I got in some of those tunnels. Other than the threat of booby traps, the smell was still the worst part about it. I could wash up ten times after climbing out of those tunnels and still stink."  
  
"You said you had two jobs. What was the other?"  
  
"When the teams inserted into a village or a compound, I was the one covering them with sniper fire."  
  
"They made you into sniper?"  
  
"The guy I hung out with the most was this ex scout sniper. He had kept his own rifle from his two tours in Vietnam. He taught me how to do shoot, how to move, everything he was taught. I took to it like a duck to water too because I knew it was a combat role I had a chance of getting. I ended up making the bulk of my kills peering through a scope a few hundred yards away." There was a sadistic pleasure in doing it too. You know it started out feeling like I was getting a small piece of justice for what happened to dad. I know better now, but at the time, I was only 16 and full of anger. Then it got scary, I started to like the killing. There was a perverse thrill involved watching a man fall to the ground like a limp rag doll. I think Stryker knew what it was doing to me too. If he hadn't pulled us all out of there when he did I don't even want to consider how differently my life would have turned out. Over the years, I've owed my life to many. Meg, Mac, the Admiral; all of them have saved my life at one time or another. Stryker did too, but I know without a doubt that he saved my soul as well.  
  
"I'm surprised you didn't go Marine out of the Academy and head into the infantry."  
  
She's smiling and I'm glad, we needed the levity. "That was for my father. Besides, I still wanted to fly much too badly, I didn't want to do any more of that ground pounding ever again."  
  
"That experience served you well in the future though." Sure it has, but how would she know that?  
  
"Oh?"  
  
Mac looks so coy. "When we got back from Red Rock Mesa, I looked up your service record. I had to know what you were about."  
  
I can't help my laughter. "I can assure you, everything in there has a good explanation attached to it."  
  
"I hope so, because I recall reading about an incident where you tracked an escaped Marine sniper who was going to be court marshaled into the hills and got the drop on him when his own students couldn't."  
  
"He offered to train me ya know?"  
  
"Sounds to me like you could have trained him." Doubt it, I'm good, but he was much better. I still can't believe I tripped that flare. Stryker would've had my ass back in the day.  
  
"You know how it is. The training always comes back to you. Even after nearly sixteen years it wasn't hard to slip back into that role Mac."  
  
"Then there was this story I heard from a bunch of fellow Marines when I was still stationed in Bosnia. Something about this crazy ass Navy lawyer who went in behind enemy lines to save a pilot who'd been shot down just to help win his case. Explain that one."  
  
"It was good to find someone alive for once. Again, it's all about the training. Avoiding patrols was SOP for us. It was all second nature. Besides, Meg and the CAG won that case before I even made it back with the pilot."  
  
"Here like this, soft edges facing outward." I never noticed it but I absently had started folding towels. I guess my hands needed something to do. Apparently, Mac has her own way of doing it because she took the last towel from me and refolded it. I told her most everything else I could about my romp through Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia. "Harm did you ask anyone else to be a character witness for you?" Shit, I was hoping we were done talking about that.  
  
Now I find I can't look her in the eyes anymore. "Yes."  
  
She looks every bit as hurt as I thought she'd be. "Anyone I'd know?"  
  
"Sturgis. We were on better terms than you and I. I thought he'd give me a better testimony."  
  
Mac sits up straight on her couch a pair of jeans in her hands. "And he bailed on you, that's why you had to come to me isn't it?" She's far too smart for her own good. "Are you mad at him?"  
  
"Damn right I'm mad at him. He was with some woman all weekend. I couldn't get a hold of him when he'd promised to help me."  
  
"Not some woman, Verese Chestnut." Who the hell is that, and why is it everyone knows about her, but me?  
  
"Who?"  
  
Mac gets up, and walks over to her stereo and pulls a CD from her collection. "You know the Jazz singer?"  
  
Oh, now I know whom they're talking about. "He's way out of his league." Her picture's on the back, Verese is a good-looking woman.  
  
"Not according to Harriet. She invited Sturgis and his father to a club she was performing at." She might have invited them, but he went there thinking with his dick. If he hadn't, me and my court case would have popped into head at some point during the weekend and he would have called. "Does he know you're mad at him?"  
  
"I threw a basketball at his head after practice today."  
  
Mac looks at me in amazement and then instantly throws on her most cheerful attitude. "Well, why don't we find something else to talk about?"  
  
Indeed, lets do that. I got just the thing too. "I got this for you. Sorry it's a little late." I took off my coat an hour ago, I've totally forgot about her gift until now.  
  
"Thank you." Mac opens her gift as I refold the towels I did earlier. "These are wonderful Harm thank you very much."  
  
"Your welcome, I would have given them to you yesterday, but you weren't home." I hope she doesn't feel the need to tell me what she was going with Webb.  
  
"I got you something too." Opening it, the gift is a red, wool sweater. Mac then produces a second gift from behind her back. "I got you this one after I learned about Mattie." The second gift is an empty photo album. It's has a hard leather cover and looks thick enough to hold two lifetimes in it. "I know you have that album of your professional career Harm. I thought it was about time you had a personal one too."  
  
God she's incredible. "Thank you Mac, this is very touching." Mac's warm smile is easy to return. "Mattie says Merry Christmas by the way."  
  
"She's a good kid Harm."  
  
"Well she's become your biggest fan." Mac almost blushes in response. "She reminds me a lot of you." Oh, shit. Mac's not blushing anymore. She's looking at me the same way I'm sure I looked at her when she admitted that I was the kind of man she wanted. I meant that, but I didn't mean to say it. God, I hope she let's that comment go. I don't think this is a good time to be discussing us.  
  
"How's that?" Damn.  
  
"Well, you're both strong and independent."  
  
"And?"  
  
"Smart and responsible."  
  
Mac's enjoying this too much. "Go on." I'm not sure I can without revealing certain feelings, feelings that shouldn't be there.  
  
"Serious most of the time, but you both have a playful side you don't reveal often."  
  
Mac licks her lips, "What else?"  
  
"Well you share a somewhat similar family history too." Mac nods and I can feel the pressure of her gaze moving off this subject and me. I knew she'd do it too, if there's one thing she likes to avoid its her past. We sit in silence for I don't know how long, folding clothes. Its not until I finish the last towel, set it aside and notice the underwear that had been underneath them that she says or does anything.  
  
Mac immediately covers the basket with the shirt she was folding at the time as soon as she notices what I'm looking at. "Okay, why don't you put those towels away in my bathroom!" She's blushing so hard that normally I'd accuse her of only pretending to be Marine green when she's obviously scarlet red. However, the reason she's blushing tells me that I better not if I want to remain a fertile male. I'm pretty sure she'd crush my balls if I said anything. Its not until I'm putting the towels away in her bathroom, safely out of her reach that I start laughing out loud. "Shut up Harm!"  
  
"You can look in my underwear drawer if that'll make you feel better." I call out to her. I know there's no comparison there, what was in that basket was a lot more risqué` than anything I'd ever own or admit to owning. The imagery running through my head is detailed and running the gambit of the selection I managed to see.  
  
"I've already seen your boxers."  
  
"Well then I guess we're even."  
  
"Not even close flyboy."  
  
"Well you can look again if you want." Coming back into the living room, she's still blushing and the underwear basket's nowhere to be found.  
  
Mac hands me another basket. "Not even tempting. Now fold."  
  
The basket's full of sweatshirts, jeans, and jogging pants. I pick one up before protesting her choice. "These are boring."  
  
"After what you've seen, you owe me, so shut up, and fold." I'm trying, but I'm shaking from laughter. "If I even think you're picturing me in my underwear I'll crush your larynx with my fist."  
  
It wouldn't be the first time, but its time to change the subject. "What the deal with all this laundry anyway, you moving or something?"  
  
She's all too happy to change the subject as well. "No its just laundry day, plus I'm donating a bunch of the stuff I don't wear anymore away." That sounds reasonable enough, so long as she doesn't donate her underwear as well. I doubt that'd go over well with Good Will.  
  
"Have you talked to Chloe at all?"  
  
"Yesterday, she's coming to visit in a week. You should bring Mattie over." I don't know about that. Chloe and Mattie together, I don't think that's a good thing for either one of us. Catherine's coming home that week too and I don't want to be here when I should be spending time with her.  
  
"I don't know if I want to spend my time hanging around with three women."  
  
Mac laughs. "Who said anything about you being invited?"  
  
Well you walked right into that one didn't you Rabb? "I'll think about it."  
  
"Can I even drink this or is it capable of eating a hole through a steel plate?"  
  
That gets Mac to laugh. "Don't worry, I weakened it for your soft, Navy issued stomach." Accepting the cup of coffee, I sip slowly. Can't be too careful with her.  
  
"Good coffee." The coffee's only the latest distraction to a question I've been carrying around in the back of my mind since Mac showed up at the wall with Mattie. I was able to keep it on the back burner yesterday, but not today. Today, when I've been alone, I've been thinking about it a lot.  
  
"What's the matter? Is there something wrong with the coffee?" I guess my concern is written all over my face if Mac felt compelled to ask that.  
  
"No the coffee's fine."  
  
"Then what is it?"  
  
"Its about Mattie."  
  
Mac sets down her own cup of coffee. "What about her?"  
  
"I'm not going to be able to keep her am I?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"If her dad cleans up his act and turns his life around I'm not going to be awarded permanent custody of Mattie in May am I? Even if I fight it I'll lose won't I?"  
  
"Harm the judge would look back at your actions for the past six month too."  
  
I shake my head at her. "Mac lets be realistic here. He's her father and he stepped aside in the best interests of his child. You don't think the court's going to take that into consideration?"  
  
"Harm there's always a chance..."  
  
"Mac if I were your client what would you tell me? Realistically, what kind of odds would you give me?"  
  
Mac takes another drink of coffee as she tries to come up with an answer for me. I know this isn't something she's considered and why should she? I'm going to be on the losing end of this battle. "If her father completes his treatment, finds a job..."  
  
"He already has a job."  
  
"Well... if he shows himself capable of caring for Mattie, I'd say you're looking at twenty. You've got a twenty percent chance of keeping Mattie even if you do everything to the letter. Thirty, if she still wants to live with you in six months." I thought as much, long odds. Meaning in six months I'm probably going to lose her. I know her father's going to clean himself up. He wouldn't have done what he did if he didn't love her. "I'm sorry Harm I never even gave it a second thought."  
  
I dismiss her concern as best I can, but it's hard to acknowledge the truth. "Don't be. You've given me six months with her Mac. Without you I wouldn't have even had that."  
  
"Harm there's always a chance..." She stops when I raise my hand. She knows as well as I do that I don't have much of anything.  
  
"Mac he wouldn't have done what he did if he didn't love her and I'm not going to spend the next few months hoping that the man ruins his life for my benefit."  
  
Mac nods in agreement. "Then I guess my advice to you would be to enjoy the time you do have together. Maybe you'll have her for the rest of your life or maybe in six months you'll have to give her up. Either way she'll always look up to you, whether you're her guardian or her friend." I haven't forgotten what else might happen in six months. You know at first it was almost a joke. No, it was a joke, something friends might say to each other at one time or another for laughs. We just worded it differently, made it sound serious. Then somewhere along the way it became a genuine offer. I think it happened on the Admiral's porch when I brought it up for the first time since we'd made the deal. Shit, I was the one who brought it up two years later too. Exactly whose biological clock is ringing here? Well she brought it up last week so I guess that means both of us. Whatever, the point is that we've almost there. Five years is staring me in the face and if we're not dating anyone what in the hell am I supposed to do then? "Harm? Hey, Harm?" Mac's waving her hand in front of my face.  
  
Get in the game Rabb. "Sorry, what were you saying?"  
  
"I wasn't saying anything. I was just wondering where you went." Nuh, uh. That's not a trip we're taking together.  
  
"My place, I was just thinking I should head home." I should go; Mattie's probably starving and I don't want her filling up on Christmas cookies either.  
  
"Well, drive safe and thanks for helping with the laundry."  
  
"You really mean that?"  
  
Mac cocks her head to one side to think about that. A slight blush returns to her cheeks as she recalls the underwear incident. "Oh, hell no I don't, and the threat still stands so don't even smile too hard."  
  
Picking up my new sweater and my photo album, I make my way to the door, an easy smile on my face. "I'll see you Monday Mac."  
  
"Hey Harm?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Bring Mattie with you next time."  
  
"I will."  
  
Mattie was lying on the couch flipping through T.V stations when I walked in through the door. "Finally I was getting so hungry thought I was going to have to borrow your Corvette and get something to eat myself."  
  
I know she's just jerking my chain; we had a talk about driving around here. "Not if you want to live to see sixteen."  
  
"So what did you get me?"  
  
"What you asked me for; soy burgers."  
  
Her facial expression begs to be captured on film and stored in my new photo album. "You're kidding right?"  
  
"You only wish I was." I hoist the bag up from the Organic foods store I frequent occasionally. I only bought some replacement pots of herbs from there. I'm hiding her McDonald's order in the bag too. She dragging her feet from the living room over to the kitchen table where the bag is and the look on her face is priceless.  
  
Before she gets to the table I reach in and Toss her burger at her, she catches it like it was a bomb or something. Then she sees the wrapper and smiles. "Oh... don't ever do that to me again."  
  
I give her my biggest smile and most innocent face as I set her drink on the table as well. "Do what?"  
  
Her face is almost comical. "Soy burgers? Yuck. Same goes for soy milk or anything else soy based."  
  
"What about soy sauce?"  
  
Mattie relents there. "Well I guess there's an exception to every rule."  
  
"And soylent green?"  
  
Mattie smiles at me. "That's not made out of soy. Soylent green is made out of people, its people, people!" Mattie's impression, complete with the flailing limbs and her screaming has me laughing hard.  
  
"How did you know that?" That movie was years before her time, hell a whole generation or more.  
  
Mattie sits down next to me. "My dad loves that movie." Once again, reality intrudes in on our happy little moment. "What?"  
  
I could lie to her, tell her something trivial, but I want to address this. "I was just thinking about your dad."  
  
"Not quite the monster you thought he'd be?"  
  
"No. I was just thinking what he did for us."  
  
Mattie bits her lip thinking about that. I can see her newfound appreciation for him in her eyes. "Yeah that was pretty selfless of him I guess."  
  
"Mattie... if, if he wants to talk to you or see you anytime over the next six months. I'd like you to consider it."  
  
She looks incredibly suspicious. "Why?"  
  
"Because I can only wish I could have spent more time with my dad."  
  
"Your dad didn't kill your mother."  
  
He cheated on her though, and maybe once before he even left the Tico. "No he didn't, but our parents all make mistakes. As family members, we have to forgive one another. That's what being a family is all about. Mattie, I can't imagine what its like for him right now. Knowing that you're here with me over Christmas."  
  
Mattie cocks her head to one side as she addresses me. "You really want me to spend time with him?"  
  
"Only if you feel comfortable with it, I don't want to push this on you if you're not ready."  
  
"Why are you telling me this now?"  
  
"We're going to have to there get some of your stuff from your house aren't we? He's gonna be there, and if he asks you, I just wanted you to be open to the possibility."  
  
"Can't we just go when he won't be there?"  
  
This is for her own good. "Like thieves in the night? Mattie, even if I wanted to do that I couldn't. With my job, I don't have that kind of free time on my hands and you're not driving there yourself. If you were caught, Child Services would give you a one-way ticket to foster home and you could forget about me ever regaining custody." That'll keep her off the roads. Besides, I want her to see him again. If he can step aside for her I had better learn to do the same because it's a lesson, I may need to repeat when this is all over.  
  
"So this weekend?"  
  
"Yeah, we'll call your dad tonight and decide on a good time." Mattie nods as she bites down into her cheeseburger.  
  
"Are you going to come inside the house with me?"  
  
I only shake my head at her. "Did you see him sitting in between us at church? I think it's best if I wait out in the car for you like he did for us."  
  
"Harm." Mattie's pleading voice is hard to resist.  
  
"You'll be fine. You're a strong, capable, young woman and I know you can handle this. Oh, and in case you don't know it. I'm very proud of you."  
  
Mattie's face shines like the sun. "Yeah?"  
  
"Lesser women would have cracked long ago."  
  
Mattie gets up and wraps her arms around my shoulders from behind me. These are times I like the most. If we're only able to have six months together, I hope they're filled with moments like this one. From her new vantage point on my shoulder, Mattie can look down into the bag on the table. "You ate half of my fries!" I don't even understand what else she's saying, I'm too busy laughing, and enjoying the best Christmas present I've had in years. 


	8. The Long Road Ahead of Us

2347 ZULU  
COMMANDER TURNER'S APARTMENT  
ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA  
  
I'm hesitant to do this. I've rarely blown up at someone and then left angry. I usually apologize to Mac the instant I say something stupid. However, this isn't Mac, Sturgis isn't as likely to forgive, especially now. I know he's home, he took the day off and there isn't anything I can do for Lieutenant Maravalis tonight anyway. I only have to knock twice before Sturgis opens the door, clearly surprised to see me. "Harm, what are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm here to apologize." Sturgis just glares at me. "I'm here to apologize and looking to split a six pack." I deftly bring the six-pack of Michelob Golden out from behind my back. Sturgis' frown disappears and he looks slightly amused, but he still isn't standing aside to let me in. "I'm here to apologize with beer and a pizza that's going to be here in five minutes."  
  
Now he's smiling. "Come on in."  
  
As soon as I'm in his kitchen, I turn to face him. "Sturgis..."  
  
"I forgave you as soon as you walked through those gym doors." Really? That sounds like the old Sturgis, where's he been hiding? "Try not to look so surprised."  
  
"Not its not that, it's just that the way I blew up at you I figured we'd be heading for a rough patch."  
  
"No I understand; you were desperate, you couldn't find me when I'd sworn to help you and I'm sorry for that. Am I forgiven as well?"  
  
I shake his outstretched hand. "Of course."  
  
"How's Mattie?"  
  
"She's fine."  
  
"How does she like her apartment?" How does he... "Coates told me." Ah, now I see.  
  
"She loves it."  
  
"And you hate it." Damn right I do.  
  
"Is it that obvious?"  
  
"Maybe not to everyone, but I got the feeling getting her wasn't everything you'd envisioned." Isn't that the damn truth? I wanted her to do more than just thank her father for letting her stay with me. Of course, she doesn't want to discuss it and there's no way I'm going to be able to get Jen to talk her into it considering her own history with her father. Maybe Mac could do it; she managed to forgive her old man didn't she?  
  
"I don't want a neighbor, I want a..."  
  
"A daughter?" Damn it, I hesitate for a second and he jumps all over it.  
  
"Something like that."  
  
"Then why'd you hesitate?"  
  
"I don't know, probably because she'll be gone in six months."  
  
Sturgis looks utterly confused. "Why is that?"  
  
This is going to be a long story. "Just before the custody hearing Mattie's father turned up and contested my claim to Mattie."  
  
"We scoured the Earth for him. Exactly what rock did he come out from under?"  
  
"I don't know. All I know is that in the end the Judge didn't award custody to either one of us."  
  
"So how did you end up with Mattie?"  
  
"Mac, she talked to Mattie's father and got him to step aside."  
  
"Wow." Yeah, wow. "So how does this translate into Mattie leaving in six months?"  
  
"Come on Sturgis, her old man stepped aside for her benefit. If he cleans himself up the court's are going to jump all over his selflessness and hand her over to him."  
  
"And you're going to stand by and let that happen?"  
  
"Well what can I do? Its not like Mattie's going to have a real choice in the matter. If I do anything crazy the judge is going to dismiss my claim before I even step foot in the courtroom. I think Mac's right, the only thing I can do is provided the best home I can for her, enjoy the time we have to together and hope for the best."  
  
"Well there has to be some unexpected benefit you've gotten from having her."  
  
"Yeah there is."  
  
Sturgis laughs when he sees my smile approaching full force. "Uh-oh, what is it?"  
  
I look away as if its not the big deal I think it is. "Well she's thinking about becoming a Naval Aviator."  
  
"Oh, no. She wants to be like you?"  
  
"What's wrong with that?"  
  
"The Navy can only handle so many crazy people at time and you're crazier than most. You better be retired by the time she joins up."  
  
"You first."  
  
Sturgis grabs the first bottle of beer and opens it. "So what's it like?"  
  
I grab the next one. "Having Mattie?"  
  
"Well that and having someone follow in your footsteps."  
  
"Well let's see if she actually goes through with it. She's only 15, there's plenty of time for her to change her mind. As for the other question, I don't quite know yet. Because she's living with Jen, she spends most of her time over there. Sometimes I feel like we went through all this effort for nothing." Our current living arrangements aren't going to win me any points with Child Services either.  
  
"Get a house then."  
  
"I'm already looking for one in Falls Church." Its then that the doorbell rings. He's right on time. "That's the pizza." I get up to answer it. "Hey isn't Connecticut is playing North Carolina tonight?"  
  
2358 ZULU, TWO DAYS LATER  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION  
  
"There you are. I turned around and you were gone." I'm surprised she even noticed at all. I'd nearly fallen asleep, a nearly empty beer bottle in my hand when Mac walked in through the door. Sitting up in my chair, I shake the cobwebs out of my head.  
  
"Mac when the girl talk begins, guys know its best to clear out."  
  
"Maybe you should have stayed, learned something." I did learn something; when Mac comes over it's going to be an instant three on one.  
  
"Like what, some geek who has a crush on Mattie or exactly how many colors of fingernail polish Jen has?"  
  
Mac smiles, but she rolls her eyes too. "It could've helped you to understand women a little better." The hell it could, I'm convinced I'm beyond help's reach in that department.  
  
"Mac, no man ever truly understands a woman." That sounds familiar; I think I've said that before. I think she recognizes it too.  
  
"Nor should he. That's what keeps us mysterious."  
  
"Even the most complex mystery novel is meant to be solved in the end."  
  
"A mystery can't grow beyond what it is either. Nor can it react to the reader." Why can't she just come out and say it; 'We will always be confusing to you.'  
  
"That's why women are never boring." The last swallow of my beer confirms that it's gone flat. Resting my head against the cushion, I close my eyes.  
  
Mac isn't about to let me sleep and kicks me with her shoe. "Hey, dinner."  
  
"I thought you ate."  
  
"Popcorn isn't my idea of dinner."  
  
I set the bottle down on the table before rubbing my eyes. "Stir fry sound alright to you?"  
  
"You got some?"  
  
"With Mattie around, I needed to stock up on a few things."  
  
Mac laughs. "Wow, you are domesticated now aren't you?"  
  
"Not just yet, still missing the wife, the house and the dog pieces in the puzzle of domestic family bliss."  
  
Mac picks up her car keys. "Well never let it be said you do things the easy way."  
  
Is she leaving? "Where are you going?"  
  
"You don't expect me to wear my uniform all night do you? I'm getting some clothes out of my car to change into." Mac disappears as I heat up a frying pan and dump the frozen stir-fry mix into it. Opening the fridge, I pull out another beer as well. I counted them earlier; they're all there. I had a rather frank discussion with Mattie about the beer in my fridge and the liquor in my cabinets. She samples any of it and there will be severe consequences. I'm under too much pressure to walk the straight and narrow with Child Services to let her do something stupid that would jeopardize our chances of staying together. Staying together became even more important to me when I found out she might be harboring dreams of becoming a Naval Aviator. Maybe its not just in my blood, apparently I ooze the desire to fly from every pore and kids who spend time around me pick it up on it. Granted I don't have a lot of evidence to support this, Josh wanted to fly long before Annie and I became involved. I merely fanned the flames. A.J seems to be coming around to my way of thinking though. He asks me for a flying story nearly every time I visit and not once have I heard him repeat any of the stories Bud might have told him to me. Mattie's old enough to be serious about it but I wish she'd get her friend Andre to relax. That kid is excessively anal about the Navy. He needs to seriously loosen up if he expects to become a fighter pilot. Even though I knew I was headed into the Navy to fly as well, I know I was never like that. I wouldn't say I was a normal high school kid; I was too busy trying to find dad, but I still played football and basketball, went to a few dances.  
  
"That smells so good." Whoa! I never even noticed Mac come back in. Looking down I can see I was absently stirring the stir-fry just enough to prevent it from burning. I guess I was thinking about my high school years a little too intently. "Did I scare you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Liar, you jumped back about a foot. What were you thinking about?"  
  
"Its nothing. Go get changed this'll be ready in a few minutes."  
  
As I transfer the pan over to the table, I can see the blurred image of her figure through the glass bending over and removing her uniform. Now I'm thinking about the look on her face when I saw her underwear folding clothes. The visual that comes to mind has me laughing. Through the glass, her figure suddenly stands up and remains still when she hears it. Suddenly she quickly begins moving again. "You're a dead man Harm."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I know what you're doing."  
  
"Yeah I'm laughing, why should I die because of that?"  
  
"You're thinking about my underwear, you're dead."  
  
I head back into the kitchen for something for us to drink. "Even if that was what I was thinking about you can't prove it. My boxers are in the top right drawer of my dresser. Feel free to search through it if you like." I can hear her take a few steps and then the sound of wood softly scraping against wood. Shit, she's actually going to do it. "Mac?"  
  
"Oh, I like these."  
  
"Mac?" She's giggling now.  
  
"Red and white hearted boxers, very nice Harm." I got those years ago from Renee for Valentine's Day. I haven't worn them since she left.  
  
I'm still in the kitchen, filling up the water pitcher. "Mac, out of there."  
  
"You said I could search through your drawer. After what you saw of mine, I need all the leverage I can get."  
  
"Nothing in there will even come close to what you had."  
  
"I don't know about that, these are interesting too."  
  
"Just don't put any of them on."  
  
Mac pauses before answering back. "You don't think I'd look good in them?" Oh my God. She better not, if she comes out here walking around in my boxers I won't be able to control myself. In my opinion women can't help, but look sexy as hell in a man's... check that, my boxers. Any woman wandering around in my boxers is sexy my eyes and Mac looks sexier than most women anyway. There's a reason why I don't want Mattie answering the door in those boxers. I don't want some weird guy on the other side of the door seeing her like that. "Harm?"  
  
"Just don't."  
  
Her laughter increases, as I'm sure she detected the growing concern in my voice. "What are you going to do about it if I did?" I'd probably take her right here and now on the table.  
  
Enough games, I can barely keep the pitcher steady as I reach the table. "Mac, we better eat. It won't be long before Mattie and Jen show up like a pack of famished wolves and clean us out." A great feeling of relief washes over me when I turn around at the sound of her footsteps to see her in jeans and an old sweater.  
  
"Get a good look?"  
  
"Of course I did."  
  
"You didn't keep any of them did you?"  
  
"I'm not the type to raid someone's underwear drawer." Of course she wouldn't, compared to hers anything else is probably too boring. I check the smile on her face carefully, but I don't see any guilt, only mischief. "Just making sure."  
  
"You'd like that wouldn't you?"  
  
"Mac it would mean I'd have to go out a buy more." I can't imagine how much clothing I've lost to women over the years. Sweatshirts, sweaters, and tee shirts are by far the worst. Diane was the most cunning thief I've ever known. I could go over to her place and pick out anywhere from eight to ten articles of clothing that I didn't leave there on my own.  
  
"Yeah, but it'd also fuel that ego of yours if you knew I had a pair of yours in my drawers that I occasionally wore myself." It would be better if I didn't know that. Imagery like that has been known to kill men my age. Although, I would be curious to know how Webb would react if he found them.  
  
I can feel my cheeks blushing as I turn back towards the kitchen. "No."  
  
"You're lying." I try to force the redness from my cheeks as turn around, but that's like trying to hold back the tide.  
  
"How would you know if I was?"  
  
"Because you're blushing and because no man I've ever known hasn't wanted that." See? She knows all too well, what she could have done to me if she'd worn them. I could say something like I'm unlike any man you've ever met before, but that might lead us right back to our relationship and why it never worked. We don't need that conversation. I set down the plates, glasses, and silver wear in front of her. "Sit, eat."  
  
Handing Mac her coffee cup I sit down next to her on the couch. We finished dinner a half an hour ago, thankfully of which, none of the conversation involved underwear. "Mac about that agent you said went Rouge?"  
  
"I didn't say he went rouge, I said I think he did, what about him?"  
  
"What even gave you that inclination?" Mac chews on her lip for a moment, why is she even debating this? "Come on Mac, my clearance is a lot higher than yours if that's what you're wondering about."  
  
Mac shoots me a look of reproach first. I guess she doesn't like to be reminded of that. "Agent Van Dine told me he was going to send some documents to their field office in Brussels and..."  
  
"What was in the files?"  
  
Mac shakes her head at my interruption. "He said it was concerning their surveillance of Lieutenant Maravalis, but that's not the point, the point is that Van Dine never sent the documents. Then he disappears? I would think it should've raised a few red flags over there."  
  
No, it wouldn't. "Mac nobody over there gets involved in anyone else's business unless their ordered to or it effects them personally or professionally."  
  
"So nobody's monitoring all of these agents the CIA has under them?"  
  
"Of course they're monitored."  
  
"How well?"  
  
"As well as deemed necessary."  
  
"And who decides that?"  
  
"Department heads."  
  
"And what would it take for them to seriously investigate an agent?"  
  
"They or someone under them would have to suspect a leak somewhere."  
  
"So they could go in and plug it."  
  
Exactly. "Well, we'd get whatever information we could out of them first."  
  
Mac sets her cup down and raises her brow. "We"?  
  
Oops. "Sorry, sometimes it's hard to remember I'm not on that team anymore."  
  
"You're never going to tell me about you were doing over there are you?"  
  
"Does Webb tell you what he's been up to?" Mac doesn't respond, and she doesn't have to. Of course Webb doesn't tell her anything. That's a nice benefit of dating Catherine. Her security clearance is such that I can tell her most everything I did and thankfully she can tell me most everything that runs across her desk if it isn't need to know. "Look I'll make some calls, relay the information you gave me, but I wouldn't expect a whole lot."  
  
"Just how much pull do you have with the spooks over there?" More than enough, there are plenty of agents over there that owe their lives to me.  
  
"Must you call them that? I know you find them irritating most of the time, but they do an important job over there. Your own mission should have taught you that."  
  
"Harm all I did was survive the mission, you're the one who completed it." Not quite, Sadik is still out there.  
  
"You're forgetting that you helped out aren't you?"  
  
"If you call holding the plane steady helping, I guess I did."  
  
"I do, besides, if you wouldn't have overheard the guards, we wouldn't have even been in a position to stop them in the first place." We continue like this for another half an hour until Mac gets up to leave, debating where Sadik might be and if he actually has any intentions of coming after us. I know its been seven month already, but he needs time to regroup, gather some forces and rearm if he wants to make an attempt to kill one of us.  
  
"I'll see you later then. Good night Mac."  
  
"Good night Harm."  
  
1902 ZULU, FOUR DAYS LATER  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
Good it's still empty, I've been working the conference room for the last two hours, but I had to go to the bathroom. This is so much better than yesterday when I camped out in here. Mac came in badgering me about how the police haven't considered any other suspects. She got upset that I wouldn't consider any other possibilities in the De La Torre murder either and left. I don't know why she's asking me, there's no one else and she knows it otherwise she'd be all over it. You can't blame every murder on a dealer or a user just because there's a drug presence in the neighborhood. That case is air tight and locked up, that's why I've already been working on another case for the past two days. For some reason that bothers me too, it shouldn't be this easy to convict someone. Then again maybe I'm just whiner. "Harm what are you doing here?"  
  
Its Sturgis and isn't it obvious what I'm doing? "I just needed a quiet place to work, why?" "Because I already signed for this room."  
  
When? I didn't see a notice. "You did?"  
  
Sturgis sets down his materials, nodding. "Yesterday."  
  
I guess I can find another hole in the wall. Hell that's all my office is, a hole in the wall. That's why I come in here to work; it lets me spread things out. "You need me to clear out this second?"  
  
"No, the meeting's not for another half hour."  
  
"How's your case coming?" I haven't heard much about it, just that it's about a SEAL Commander who decided to keep some of the Navy's money for himself.  
  
"Better once this meeting begins. I've got a Commander coming over from supply, his testimony is going to sink Bud's case like the Titanic."  
  
"It's always more fun prosecuting the idiots isn't it?"  
  
Sturgis laughs, we've both been on the other side of the fence so we can appreciate our current position all the more. "Every time. How your case coming?"  
  
"It's air tight. The guy has no alibi and all the physical evidence points at him. It's going to be a cake walk."  
  
"I hope my next murder trial's that easy."  
  
"Well let's hope that doesn't happen for a long time. Ensign De La Torre was far too young to die like that."  
  
"Agreed." Our heads swivel towards the door in time to a Lieutenant Commander walking through. "Commander you're early."  
  
"Yes sir, I wanted to review my materials before I gave my testimony." This is my cue to leave.  
  
"Harm, I'd like you to meet Commander Philips. He's going to help me nail Commander Rainey."  
  
I shake his hand briefly, "Commander. Good luck Sturgis."  
  
"Don't need it."  
  
I'm just out the door and into the hallway when I see Bud coming this way, briefcase in hand. "Good afternoon sir."  
  
"You too Bud, and good luck in there."  
  
"Why is what sir?"  
  
"Sturgis seems to think you're holding the short end of the stick on this case."  
  
"We'll see about that sir."  
  
I pat him on the back as I move past him. "Give him hell."  
  
"I intend to."  
  
1724 ZULU CATHRINE GALE'S APARTMENT LANGLY, VIRGINIA  
  
"Harm, help." When I walked in through the door I almost started laughing. The first thing I saw coming in was Catherine lying down on her couch. She's gotten big; it won't be long now. "What are you doing on the couch?" She doesn't use it anymore because she can't get up without help. Her couch is really soft; you just sink into that thing. It's the couch equivalent of the blob.  
  
"I wasn't thinking, I came home and just sat down."  
  
"Did you decide to lay down too?"  
  
"No I was trying to get up."  
  
"Well at least you're comfortable."  
  
"Speak for yourself, I've gotta go to the bathroom."  
  
Pulling her up, she rewards me with a kiss before heading to the bathroom while I make for the kitchen. I'm eating a bunch of saltines when she comes out and joins me. "How was your day?"  
  
Catherine reaches around me for a bottle of water. "Good, yours?"  
  
"It was good."  
  
"How's that murder case of yours coming?"  
  
"I'm already done."  
  
Catherine wraps her arms around my neck pressing her lips to mine. "That's my Sailor, always the over achiever."  
  
"Its flyboy, and the case is a slam dunk."  
  
"You don't like 'sailor'?"  
  
"I'm a fighter pilot Ms. Gale." I respond, kissing her back. I won't be associated with all those ground and sea dwellers. During my sea tours, I wasn't confined to the boat like all the rest of those poor bastards. My office might have been small, but it had a hell of a view from angels 20.  
  
"And a good one." Good? I'm the best. Catherine steals my crackers and sits down at the table. "You don't seem that happy about the case though."  
  
Pulling up a chair, I begin cutting slices off the block of cheese I took out of her frig. "It just seems too easy."  
  
Catherine picks up a slice and begins nibbling on it. "I'm going to remind you of those words when you're struggling to convict the next guy."  
  
"I know." Am I honestly complaining about an easy murder conviction? "Well what would you do?"  
  
"Harm I don't really know what I'd do. I'm never in your position; I'm either defending or deigning for the company."  
  
"Catherine, I'll take anything right now."  
  
Catherine shrugs her shoulders, she's never had to convict anyone before, and it's not something to take lightly. "I'd go with the facts I had and convict him. Why are you second guessing yourself like this?"  
  
"Its mostly because of Mac, she seems so sure of herself that there's something or someone we've over looked. I can't help it, this case just seems too easy."  
  
To this Catherine leans back in her chair, her hands resting on her baby mound. "Are you confident about your witness' credibility?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Have you talked to that detective lately?"  
  
"Why would I do that?"  
  
"Maybe something like this has happened before." I'm not sure if she knows something or it just sound like she does.  
  
"Has it?"  
  
She smiles and holds up her hands in her defense. "No, I'm just saying maybe this hasn't been the only murder on the pier. I'm sure there's plenty of drug activity and other illegal activities going on down there. Maybe you should go talk to him if it'll make you feel better."  
  
I never thought about that. "You deserve some kind of reward for being so brilliant."  
  
Catherine's face lights up with anticipation. "I know just the thing."  
  
"Lower, oh... right there." I've been massaging Catherine's back for the last ten minutes. She decided this was going to be her reward. I didn't know we could choose our rewards like that. If I had, I might have said something and picked a Navy Cross or even the Medal of Honor instead a Silver Star. "Where did you learn to do this anyway?"  
  
"You don't want to know." At least I hope she doesn't and thankfully, she doesn't ask.  
  
"How's Mattie doing in her new place?"  
  
"She's doing fine." I'm not surprised that she asked, just that she asked this quickly. Mattie and I met Catherine when she came back from Paris. It was also the only day Mac would've been able to take Mattie to do something with her and Chloe. She was not pleased when I told her she was coming to the airport with me. It also explains why she was being a real pain in the ass.  
  
"She doesn't like me." That was clear ten minutes after they met.  
  
"Mattie takes a long time to warm up to anybody. She doubted me all the way up the custody hearing." That isn't true, but her sake it's...  
  
"She likes Colonel MacKenzie." How would she know that?  
  
"No better than anyone else."  
  
"Mattie told me she's her favorite." I've already explained to her how it is that I got Mattie so Catherine understands why that is.  
  
I stop rubbing her back for a moment, leaning forward to whisper in her ear. "You're my favorite and that's all that matters."  
  
"No it isn't. Harm, if she's going to be a permanent part of your life its important we get along."  
  
"I wouldn't force it."  
  
"What?"  
  
"My stepfather Frank always tried too hard to be my friend. I think the best thing you can do is just be good listener, eventually she'll come around. Besides, its not all your fault."  
  
"How."  
  
"I told her she had to come. She wanted to go out with Mac and Chloe."  
  
"Wonderful".  
  
I don't feel like doing this anymore. "I'm sorry." Catherine scoots over on the bed to make room for me. "I shouldn't have pushed her to meet you. You don't need this kind of stress. In a month we'll be having a baby and I don't want you worrying about something else on top of that."  
  
Catherine arches an eyebrow in response. "What 'we' flyboy? Are you pregnant too or are you just going to take over for me when I go into labor?"  
  
That pulls a laugh out of me when I was sure there wouldn't be any of it in this conversation. "You know what I mean."  
  
"I do, and thanks for the massage."  
  
Something's not right here. "Why do I get the feeling you're kicking me out?"  
  
"Harm I'm going to shower, eat something, and then fall asleep. I'm beat. You can stay if you want but, don't you want to talk to that detective?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You can still make Norfolk at a decent hour if you go now."  
  
"Sure, but I won't get a lot of sleep, if any, by the time I get back."  
  
Catherine slides over to the edge of the bed and get up. "Well, it's your conscience, not mine that's in overdrive right now is it?" I'm going to Norfolk and she knows it. I follow her out to the kitchen and retrieve my coat and gloves. "Are you taking your gun with you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'd feel better if you did."  
  
"Okay. Kiss?"  
  
Catherine smiles as she grabs two fistfuls of my shirt and pulls me in. "You're not allowed to leave without one."  
  
0451 ZULU, TWO DAYS LATER  
FISHERMAN'S WHARF  
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA  
  
What the hell am I doing here? To drive down here once is okay, twice is just plain crazy. Just couldn't leave it alone could you? Had to come here to make sure that the man is indeed guilty and that justice will prevail. After I left Mac's place, I went home, and then drove all the way down here again. The last time I was here was after I talked to Catherine, talked to the detective, and found out that another woman had been strangled without an arrest being made. I left his crime scene and came here, I didn't find anything, and I probably won't this time either. I'm just trying to make sense out of this. Okay, the cab driver sees her chase after him to this point before he drives off. Walking down the pier, I stop where they found Cumpiano's coat. This isn't the far edge of the pier. So, he sheds his coat trying to rape her... in the middle of the pier? Man, he'd have to be drunk to try something like that. Maybe he took it off because like he said, he wanted to swim back to the base. That doesn't make sense either, why would he kill her for trying to stop him? He's drunk moron, he's not going to think rationally. This is going nowhere. If she walked away from this point, she'd have to go this way past the shack on pier where she was killed to get to the street. This could imply two different things, either he ambushed her on her way to the spot where he lost his jacket or maybe she got away from him at that point, he chased after her, caught her and actually did try to rape her behind the shack. If he were trying to rape her, this would be the best place to do it. It's out of the way and you'd be hidden from view. So, he tries to rape her, but he's drunk. When he tries to quiet her down by compressing her throat, he kills her instead of shutting her up. He panics, and in a moment of humanitarian aid, tries to get her medical attention by carrying her from the shack, but then decides she's already dead and splits. No, that doesn't work either. If he'd dragged her body there, why wasn't there more physical evidence on it? Maybe he sanitized the body and tried to dump the body into the water. Someone comes along, scares him, and he drops the body and runs? What a mess.  
  
As I near the shack, I ease up a bit and pull out my Beretta. I've already seen three guys who looked suspicious of drug trafficking and a kid who wanted to know if I had any pot to sell him. The last thing I need is to startle some meth dealer in there and to get into a predicament with only a flashlight in my hand. Nothing, I kicked the door in and barged in yelling for nothing. I'm glad for that much; easing the hammer back on my sidearm, I holster it before making another sweep of the place with my flashlight. There's obvious sign of recent drug activity in here. Some of it appears to have occurred between my last time out here two days ago and now. This isn't anything new; I'm not going to find any evidence relating to my case here. I just want to get a sense of what Cumpiano must have been thinking. Why wouldn't he try to rape her inside the shack instead of behind it? She wasn't drunk; she could've easily jumped into the water and swam away, so why doesn't he bring her in here where he can control her and the situation better? Walking out and around the shack, I search for the blood I know was found there. Not a whole lot of it remains; water has washed most of it that wasn't protected in some manner away. Still, there wasn't a whole lot of blood to begin with. I read the corner's report; she sustained multiple bruises and cuts around her face and neck consistent with a fall from standing height. Well aside from the bruises that were attributed to her strangulation. There was an especially large bruise on her cheek, she could've been punched or slapped I guess. None of this adds up, then again why should it? I'm trying to put an equation together that doesn't work, it doesn't work because the man's guilty as hell. This was a waste of time. The man did it, everybody needs to except it and move on. Now I'm looking at a five-hour drive back home just so I can interview the Marine guard who over heard Cumpiano's confession to Chaplin Stephens in the morning. I'm going to need a lot of coffee to keep me going through today. This guy deserves to be locked up, what kind of idiot confesses loud enough to be over heard by someone who can testify against them anyway?  
  
1946 ZULU, SAME DAY  
NORFOLK NAVAL BASE  
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA  
  
There she is, I've been looking for her for the past hour now. She's barking up the wrong tree if she thinks Cumpiano's wife did it. "Mac."  
  
"Harm, what are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm looking for you."  
  
"This is ridiculous you can't interfere with...  
  
"She didn't kill De La Torre Mac." She looks at me stunned, and then back at Alisa.  
  
"What?"  
  
This isn't the place to do this. "Get in the car Mac."  
  
She doesn't look like she wants to. "Why?"  
  
"Because I'm the one who's going to set your client free." That's intrigued her enough to get up and walk over; unfortunately, Cumpiano's wife does too.  
  
"If you've got evidence I should know about..." Not here Mac.  
  
"Get in and you'll have it."  
  
"Why can't you tell us now!" Good grief, why on Earth did Cumpiano marry such a demanding woman?  
  
"Mrs. Cumpiano, I can't tell you about our ongoing investigation."  
  
She comes up along side the car and grips the door with her hands. "He's not guilty." That's what I just said didn't I?  
  
"No he isn't, trust in that. Now if you'll excuse us." When she finally wraps her mind around that, she backs away and heads back inside the building. I roll up my window as we pull out onto the street.  
  
Mac waits for few minutes before throwing her hands in the air. "Well don't keep me waiting Harm."  
  
"This is a recording of part of my interview with the Marine guard, Sergeant Russell." I pull out my pocket tape recorder and hit play.  
  
'He kept telling the Petty Officer that the Lord would have mercy on him no matter what happened, and that Ensign De La Torre was in a better place now. He said God had been behind that shack that night, that God saw everything.'  
  
'Wha... say that again.'  
  
'That God had taken her soul, and that she wouldn't be suffering...'  
  
'No, no, no... about the shack.'  
  
'He said that God had been behind the shack. He kept saying God saw everything.'  
  
'Are you sure that's what you heard?'  
  
'Yes sir, without a doubt.'  
  
Mac doesn't say anything as I shut it off there and stick it back in my pocket. "What was I supposed to get out of that?" She doesn't get it. The base commissary is on the right so quickly pull in and stop in their parking lot.  
  
"Mac, the Chaplin said that God had been behind the shack."  
  
"So what?"  
  
"Well how did he know that? Mac, besides those who've seen the case files and the Norfolk police who responded to the call, nobody knew she'd been killed behind that shack and moved post mortem." I can see the light dawning in her eyes. "So after the interview I came down here and started doing a little digging. Come to find out Chaplin Stephens was down there at the time of the murder."  
  
Mac eyes widen at the possibility of another real suspect. "How do you know that?"  
  
"Stopped by the Norfolk police station, I wanted anything they had on him, no matter how minor, turns out he got a parking ticket that night down at the pier at 1:12 in the morning."  
  
Mac takes the copy of the parking ticket the police gave me. "This doesn't prove he killed her, and Cumpiano could have told him about the shack."  
  
"Oh it gets better. The drug activity on the pier along with the fact that the Chaplin's in recovery got me interested. I know he wasn't in any of the bars that night so I took his service photo and had the police show it to any drug dealer or user they had in lock up..."  
  
Mac face just lights up as she jumps to the conclusion that I was successful. "And you got one!"  
  
"They picked him up three days ago. He's a cocaine dealer Mac, and he sold him about fifty dollars worth that night not more than two hundred yards from where Monica De La Torre was killed. An hour later I had this." I hand her the signed statement that he sold Commander Oliver Stephens cocaine on more than twenty different occasions in the past two months. "My guess is that De La Torre saw the Chaplin behind the shack, recognized who it was smoking cocaine, confronted him, and he killed her to shut her up. Mac nods her head in agreement, as she continues reading the statement. "Of course I still can't figure out how Petty Officer Cumpiano's skin got under De La Torre's fingernails."  
  
"I think I can fill that in for you. His wife followed the two of them as they left the bar. When they got out, she said that De La Torre was trying to keep him from jumping off the end of the pier. He'd already removed his jacket exposing his arms, she could've easily scratched him during the struggle."  
  
"Why the hell didn't she say something before?"  
  
"She didn't think anyone would believe her."  
  
"She doesn't think they were fooling around?"  
  
"No, not any more."  
  
"You know I think Chaplin Stephens picked Petty Officer Cumpiano up and dropped him off on his ship to protect him. He just didn't think base security would find him and turn him back over to the police."  
  
Mac puts her seatbelt back on as I start the engine. "I doubt it Harm, that's a lot to ask of a man who's high on crack."  
  
"Then how did he manage to kill a woman on crack?"  
  
"He probably pinned her down with his body weight and simply strangled her."  
  
"Leaving no physical evidence? That's impressive for a man who's higher than a kite."  
  
Mac waves the statement in front of my face. "Who cares how Cumpiano got back to base or how Chaplin Stephens killed De La Torre, we've got our man." What's with all this 'we' business? I got him; I did all the legwork. "Where are we going anyway?"  
  
"To confess our sins to the Chaplin of course, then I'm going to arrest his ass."  
  
Mac stares at me over the roof of the car as Cumpiano and his wife drive off. "And what secrets would you be keeping?"  
  
"All kinds."  
  
Mac drums a rhythm on the roof with her fingers. "Any you feel like sharing?"  
  
"Then they wouldn't be secrets."  
  
"You can trust me."  
  
"Tell you what, you tell me a secret and if I like it, I'll tell you one of mine."  
  
"I don't know, what if I don't like yours?"  
  
"Those are my terms, take it, or leave it."  
  
Mac licks her lips for a moment, thinking. "I took a picture of your red and white hearted boxers and hung the picture in the women's bathroom at JAG." She's lying, although I know she's capable, I would have heard about this if she did.  
  
I lean over as far as I can over the car to whisper at her. "So, I took a pair of your underwear home with me and sold it on Ebay." I'm sure there's enough freaks running around out there who are infatuated enough with Mac, that I could've made a killing.  
  
"Liar."  
  
"So are you."  
  
"Come on, give me a real secret, something nobody else knows, but you."  
  
"Are you going to give me a real secret in return?"  
  
"You first."  
  
"Okay, Mattie told me she thinking about becoming a Naval Aviator."  
  
Mac's reaction is split; part of her look disappointed that I didn't give her a juicier piece of information and the other looks surprised. "Really, she wants to be a pilot?"  
  
"A 'Naval' Aviator." I just wanted to make sure she gets that right. Navy, not Marines Mac. "She said wanted to take after her old man."  
  
"That's great Harm." Indeed.  
  
"Thanks, now what's your secret?"  
  
By the look she's giving me, I can tell she had no intention of giving me one. "Ah..."  
  
"I know one."  
  
Mac looks at me wide eyed. "You know one of my secrets?"  
  
"Uh, huh." The look on her face when Chaplin Stephen broke down was clear as crystal.  
  
"Oh, do tell."  
  
"When Chaplin Stephens cracked, you realized I was right."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"About a person's true nature. Commander Stephens seems like a normal guy, but get him high or drunk and he becomes capable of violent crime."  
  
Mac's tone rises as she becomes defensive. "Anybody's capable of murder Harm."  
  
"True, but strangling someone is an aggressive way to kill someone Mac and a sober Chaplin Stephens doesn't strike me as the aggressive type."  
  
"Maybe that was his only option at the time, did you ever think of that?"  
  
"That's true too, but you saw how he broke down in his office. He might admit to himself and others that he's an alcoholic, but not that he's a murderer. He might one day admit as much that he's a cocaine addict, but he'll never believe himself capable of killing. He doesn't even know who he really is Mac."  
  
"His ability to kill was always present."  
  
"Very true, it just needed drugs to bring his true nature to the surface." Mac looks like she's about to protest, but I'm not going to let her without getting one more thing in. "Mac if the Chaplin's personality would have allowed for something like murder, Cumpiano and everyone else we talked to wouldn't have been so shocked to learn that their Chaplin was capable of doing something like this. Nobody saw it because it was buried too deep for anyone see or for him to understand. You saw how he insisted that it wasn't who he was." Mac shuts the door and takes a few steps away from the car.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"To my car."  
  
"Its all the way across the base, I'll give you a ride."  
  
Mac slings her purse over her shoulder. "I'll walk, feels like a good day for it."  
  
"Mac this is ridiculous, get in the car."  
  
Mac turns around, and I can see the saddened expression on her face. "Just go Harm. I'll see you Monday."  
  
Damn it, now she doubting herself and her what she might be capable of drunk. "Mac? Mac I'm not lumping you into that category with him."  
  
" I know Harm, but please, just go." This is crazy, I get in the car to follow her, but when I catch up to her and slow down to let her in she makes no move towards me. She never changes her stride; in fact, she waves me off. If she needs time to sort this out in her head, fine, but I'm not going to wait around for her. I haven't seen Mattie in two days, that's not what parenting is supposed to be like.  
  
2310 ZULU  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION  
  
Resting my head against the steering wheel, I sigh in relief. Something to eat, a shower, and my bed are all singing a siren song to me. I didn't get any sleep last night and I've been logging more hours on the road than I have in my office at JAG this week. The argument with Mac, well I don't know if it was an argument, lets call it a disagreement. It didn't help matters either. She's probably fearful of what might lie below the surface of her own calm and cool, Marine green exterior. There's nothing there she needs to fear. I've seen her drunk and I've seen worse, a lot worse. Walking up the stairs, I hear the elevator stop on my floor, when I open the door I see Jen fumbling around with her keys, trying to get the right one. Eventually she drops the whole key chain, beats her fist, and leans her head against the door. Mattie's currently with her friend Andre, his mother called me on my way back home, and said she'd drop them off when they were finished with their school project. "You okay Jen?"  
  
"I'm fine sir." Why does she even bother? We both know she's lying.  
  
"You don't look it."  
  
"It's nothing sir." More lies, and her voice sounds like she's been crying or about to.  
  
"Jen, whatever it is, let me help."  
  
Jen finally picks her head up off the door. "You've done enough for me already sir." How can she say that? There's not supposed to be a limit to that sort of thing with friendship.  
  
"Jen I'm hear to listen, you'll probably feel better if you get it of your chest."  
  
Jen stiffens as she hears that and bends down to retrieve her keys. "I'll think about it sir." Opening her door, she disappears from sight. Well shit, I can't follow her in there even if I do pay half the rent. Opening my own door I drag myself to the bedroom, strip off my uniform that I've been wearing for far too long today, and step into nice hot shower. This feels good, but now I'm hungry. I wander back into the kitchen wearing a pair of sweatpants and an old squadron tee shirt I got from the Patrick Henry. I pull out a fillet of smoked salmon and the tuna casserole I made two days ago from the frig. I'm surprised Mattie didn't clean my out. The casserole is almost done reheating in the oven when I hear the softest of knocks on the door. Jen's just about to turn away when I open the door. "You said you'd listen, that offer still on the table?"  
  
"All night if you need it to be." I might need an adrenalin injection every so often to stay awake if this lasts longer than two hours though."  
  
Jen follows me into the kitchen and watches me pull out the casserole. "Sir I shouldn't have interrupted your dinner, I'll..."  
  
"Jen don't go, besides, you see anything on me that indicates I'm a Naval Officer right now? Its Harm."  
  
A soft smile appears on her face as she points at my chest. "Your dog tags and tee-shirt are pretty good indicators that you are Harm." Damn, left myself wide open for that one, but at least it got her to smile and call me by name.  
  
I carry the casserole and the smoked salmon to the table. "Sit down, and have something to eat with me."  
  
"Are you sure Harm?"  
  
Coming back from the kitchen, I hand her another plate, a fork, and a beer. "Would I ask if I wasn't?"  
  
"Thank you." Jen sweeps her wet hair over one shoulder as she sits down with me and begins to eat. She must have thought a hot shower would've made her feel better. Obviously, it didn't or she wouldn't be over here. We make good small talk as we eat, but that's all it is, small talk. We're not addressing the real issue here, whatever that might be.  
  
We ate the entire fillet and casserole between us and she still hasn't said anything, now I'm full and tired. Jen, quite casually, I might add, takes another pair of beers from the frig, hands me one, and stretches out on my couch as I take my chair. I don't mind, truth be told she's almost become like a little sister to me. Sure, I'm almost old enough to be her father, but I think the feeling's closer to sibling relationship than anything else. I think I would've liked having a little sister. I know I like having a brother. That's beside the point right now, after she opens her beer and takes a long drink she begins telling me everything that's happened between her and the Admiral over the past few days. "I just told him it might make him feel better. Why does he have to go and say things like that to me?" Because he's a horse's ass?  
  
"I don't know Jen, I don't know. You of all people don't deserve something like that."  
  
Jen looks at me, curious. "Why do you say that?"  
  
"Because you've tried to do more for him then anyone else in that office ever has." I heard about that poem she wrote for the Admiral as Meredith's gift and that Jen had it read to her in Italy. I thought that was an unbelievable gesture on her part. "I think he's mad at you because he's afraid of you."  
  
Jen, who was about to take another drink stops and stares. "What?"  
  
"Sure, you've been taking those psychology classes right?"  
  
"Got an A and two B's this semester." She's proud of her grades, and she should be.  
  
"You challenge him. I've seen you make him do the things you want him to do even when he doesn't. You have a way with words and you play it off him with as much skill and grace as I've ever seen anyone do before."  
  
That earns me another smile. "You think so?"  
  
"Absolutely, Tiner's never done a fraction of the things you have in the years he spent behind that desk."  
  
Jen snorts, swirling her beer around in the bottle. "Tiner was just the Admiral's monkey boy." Is she always this casual or is the beer just loosening her tongue? "I doubt he had the guts to do anything other than what he was told."  
  
"That's Lieutenant j.g. Monkey Boy to you." Jen laughs at the deja vu' that brings back for both of us. Tiner still has my old cover, he can keep it, that one was nothing but bad luck for me anyway.  
  
"You really think the Admiral's afraid of me?"  
  
"Well I know I am. In a few years when you're actual psychologist, I'm going to scared shitless that you'll see right through me."  
  
Jen gives me a sly smile. "Oh, and what are we hiding we hiding from the rest of the world Harm? Come, tell the nice doctor everything, you can trust me."  
  
I nearly drop my bottle with laughter. "Not until you have a shingle of your own, and I'm seventy and senile."  
  
Jen's laughter subsides quickly. "Then why does he have to say the things that he does, why can't be nicer to me?"  
  
"Because he's afraid of you Jen, he knows he can't order you around because you'll just find away around it. So he's being hostile to keep you at a distance because it's the only thing he can think of that'll keep you away from him."  
  
"Well it's working."  
  
"You said they had a fight?"  
  
Jen shrugs her shoulders. "That's the impression I've been getting all week."  
  
"Did they break up?"  
  
"I don't think so. If he'd broken up with her, he wouldn't have been so grumpy all week."  
  
"Maybe she ended it."  
  
"I don't think so either. She's been calling all week, trying to talk to him. If she'd dumped him, she wouldn't be trying to do that."  
  
"I guess we can assume this fight's her fault though."  
  
Jen nods her agreement. "I just wanted him to be happy." Good luck.  
  
"That's a losing battle Jen, concentrate on your own happiness." Jen doesn't reply, but I can tell she's having difficulty accepting that.  
  
We continue talking for I don't know how long, but by the end of my fourth beer I'm falling asleep and there's nothing I can do about it anymore. "I'll put these bottles away for you sir."  
  
"Its Harm, and I'll be right here."  
  
"Okay." I hear her moving about the apartment before everything shuts down and goes black. I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or not, but I swear I can hear Jen parting words, whispered in my ear before she leaves. "Mattie doesn't realize how lucky she is. I think you make a great dad Harm, and luckily for me, an even better friend." She drops a kiss on my forehead and softly shuts the door behind her on her way out. 


	9. Career Paths We Take

Author's Note; this is coming in so late. It covers 'People vs. SECNAV' and 'Crash'. Now that aside, I'd like to thanks those who've been sending reviews either though this site or your own personal e-mails. It truly means a lot to me and I can't thank you enough. Now if you want to join in, drop me a line and tell me what you think. Even you roast me for this or other chapters, I'll still thank you for your opinion so don't hesitate to do so.  
  
2031 ZULU PRAIRIE HILL HIGH SCHOOL WASHINGTON D.C.  
  
"I'll review them and hand them back to you Ms. Grace on Monday."  
  
"Thank you Mrs. Johnson. I'm ready to go Harm."  
  
"Okay. Mrs. Drabowski." I acknowledge her on our way out.  
  
"Mr. Rabb." She's still mad about our living arrangements. If that realtor would get off her ass and find us a place, this wouldn't be so difficult.  
  
As soon as I shut the door behind us, Mattie turns to face me. "You were great in there Harm, I probably would have just yelled at her again."  
  
"I'm just sorry I wasn't here the first time." I could tell her how I wanted to stay, but the Admiral ordered me out to the carrier. Then again, I didn't exactly put up a fight or even tell him why I wanted to push the investigation back did I? Mattie doesn't say anything in response, confirming what I already knew; she's a little mad at me too. "Hey, do you want to get something to eat? Maybe go to a movie or something afterwards?"  
  
"Nothing really good is playing in the theaters." Well at least she's considering it. "I wouldn't mind getting something to eat though."  
  
"Name the place and we'll go."  
  
"Can I drive?" I may be feeling guilty right now, but not that guilty.  
  
"Do you have your license on you?" Mattie rolls her eyes, but gamely leads us out to the parking lot where the Lexus awaits. Twenty minutes later Mattie has me pulling up to what is quite possibly the seediest restaurant in all of Virginia. "The public health inspector who gave this place their license needs to have their head examined."  
  
"Oh stop, this place has the best barbequed chicken for miles around."  
  
"If you say so."  
  
Mattie hops out, walks over to my side, and pulls me inside by my hand. "Come and see."  
  
Twenty minutes later, our waitress hands us two heaping platters, one of them is nothing, but boneless, deep-fried, white meat chicken strips and the other a pile of chicken legs. Then she makes a return trip with a huge plate of corn on the cob. The barbeque sauce is just dripping off the meat and the corn looks like it was soaking in butter. "Here you are, enjoy your meal."  
  
I think if I enjoyed a meal like this too much it'd be my last. "Thank you."  
  
Mattie watches me as I take a tentative bite into my first chicken strip. There's no silver wear here, just napkins, lots of them. It feels like a real southern meal. "So what do you think?"  
  
"Its good, its very good."  
  
"Told ya."  
  
"How did you find this place anyway?"  
  
"Jen took me here after we went shopping one day. She said she came here occasionally before she joined the Navy."  
  
"Oh, okay."  
  
Mattie takes a moment to lick a dollop of sauce off the palm of her hand. "What did she do?"  
  
"Jen?"  
  
"Yeah, what is it that she did that she needed your help?"  
  
"Mattie..." How exactly am I supposed to answer this? I don't want to hand out information Jen doesn't feel comfortable enough giving herself. "I think it'd be best if she told you when she feels comfortable enough to do so."  
  
"She really looks up to you, you know."  
  
That's the main reason I feel like such a shit for using her like I have been. I don't know how, but I'm going to make it up to her. "Sometimes I'm not sure I'm worthy of that kind of praise."  
  
Mattie watches and waits until I finish my chicken leg before she fires away again. "What would make you say that?"  
  
"Well lately I've been using her a lot. I don't like it."  
  
"Harm if this is what I said about wondering who my guardian..."  
  
"Its not."  
  
"Well then what is it?"  
  
"I don't know, all I wanted was you and a house we could be a family in. I don't have the house, I have you, but I don't at the same time you know?"  
  
Mattie nods, taking a drink of her soda. "You sound more frustrated than anything else."  
  
"Well if I am, it's all directed at me. I don't think I did a good enough job of explaining to you what it is I do."  
  
"You're a JAG lawyer and fighter pilot." No, it's pilot then lawyer. I never call myself a lawyer first; flying is my passion, being a lawyer is what I do.  
  
"What I mean is I didn't explain my dedication to my job. When I went back out onto that carrier, all I could think about was keeping a man I believed to be innocent out of jail. Sometimes I get so target fixated that I lose sight of everything else and I'm sorry about that."  
  
"Is that the real reason you're not married?"  
  
"It could be, I know it's the reason things didn't work out between Jordie and me. I should have told her I wanted to fly long before I was ready to leave." I've always regretted that. Jordan was ten times the girlfriend Renee was or at least she could have been.  
  
"What about Renee?"  
  
"Well I was still carrying the torch for Mac at the time, so I don't think work was our biggest problem."  
  
Mattie looks at me with the most intense look on her face, running her tongue along her lips, catching stray smudges of sauce doing so. "You don't tell anyone these things do you."  
  
"No, but I'm trying real hard to be open and honest with you."  
  
"Why don't we rent some movies? I wouldn't mind hearing more about your teenage years."  
  
"I hope you enjoyed your meal, oh and here's your take home order, come again soon."  
  
"Thank you." Mattie's carrying the doggy bag from our unfinished meal. The take out order is for Jen, it was Mattie's idea and I only wish I'd thought of it first. "So what exactly do you want to rent?"  
  
"I'm thinking about that right now, I'll see when we get there." It only takes us about ten minutes to get to the Hollywood Video closest to our building. Damn it, it is really pissing me off that I can't even say our place, our home yet. Mattie looks uneasy, glancing over at me every now and then. "Harm?"  
  
Shutting off the engine, I turn to face her. "Yeah?"  
  
"If, if I don't want to be a Naval Aviator anymore are you going to be upset or disappointed in me?" You could prove to me that the sky was actually red, not blue and I still couldn't be more shocked than I am right now at her question.  
  
"Mattie... of course not. Why would you think something like that?" Mattie shrugs and looks away, I think she's too embarrassed to look at me. "Mattie if you need to say something to me..." That's where I'll leave it; I don't want to make it a command as much as I might want to.  
  
"Its just that I've been learning so much about your family history, I know how important flying was to your dad and Grandpa and how much it still is to you. I guess I'm worried that you'll be disappointed in me if I don't chose the same path the three of you did." I'm flattered that she still thinks that highly of me after all the times I've been called away overseas.  
  
"Mattie", I reach over and take her hand for emphasis at this point. "You have to live your own life, don't be afraid or ashamed of any path you chose that might be different than mine."  
  
"Harm I still don't have any misgivings about being a Naval pilot yet, I just don't want to be a disappointment to you if I never make it or I didn't want it."  
  
"Mattie I'm not doing all this in the hope that you'll want to get into the family business. You're a young, intelligent woman who has her whole life ahead of you. Don't ever let me dictate what path should lay before your feet."  
  
Mattie leans over from her seat and hugs me. "Thank you Harm."  
  
"Hey that's what I'm here for." Mattie unbuckles her seat belt, but I stop her before she opens the door. I want her to hear this from me. "Mattie?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Thanks for sticking up for me."  
  
Mattie's eyebrow rises in question. "You mean that?"  
  
"Yeah, I do. I still think you shouldn't have done it, but I can't ignore the fact that your intentions were noble. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate what you did for me."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Uh, huh. Nobody's done anything like that for me in a long time."  
  
"Even Mac?"  
  
"Especially Mac." I would have expected some kind of loyalty out of her after saving her life, but instead she let me twist in the wind in the Admiral's office after we got back from Paraguay. In fact, I haven't had anyone publicly defend me in front of others since Meg.  
  
Mattie looks confused. "But she talked to my dad for you, testified in front of a judge for you."  
  
"That doesn't mean she was standing up for me against someone who was bad mouthing me. She was just doing me a huge favor, friends do favors for one another all the time."  
  
"Not like that they don't."  
  
"True, she's a good friend and she did something wonderful for me. I'll never forget that either, but she wasn't defending me when she did it." Getting Mattie is just one more to add to the list of things she's done for me. "Now, you ready to get some movies?"  
  
"Dang right I am. We're going to get 'Under World'."  
  
I've never heard of it before. "What's it about?"  
  
"Werewolves and Vampires."  
  
"In the same movie?"  
  
"Uh, huh. A friend of mine told me its kinda like Romeo and Juliet, with Werewolves and Vampires as the Montagues and Capulets."  
  
"This is all in one movie? Is it any good?"  
  
"I don't know, we'll find out." Well this is going to be interesting.  
  
"I'm gonna quick shower and change, I'll be right back."  
  
"Mattie if Jen's home ask her to come over here for a second would you?"  
  
"Sure".  
  
I've stripped out of my uniform and thrown on the closest shorts and t- shirt I could find by the time Jen knocks on my door. "Its open."  
  
"Hey, thanks for the chicken."  
  
"You're welcome, it was Mattie's idea actually."  
  
"What did you think?" Depends on whether we're talking about the food or the building.  
  
"The food was good, but the building, in my opinion could have used a big sign out front saying 'condemned'."  
  
Jen laughs, "Don't you dare, I love that place."  
  
"Look Jen, about Mattie, I want to make it up to you. I never meant to use you as a surrogate mother...guardian...whatever. However, as you're well aware I can't give you thank you gifts or anything."  
  
She looks mildly amused at my predicament. "That is a dilemma."  
  
Walking over to my desk, I pick up my wallet and hand her a business card I keep there. "So I'm giving you this instead." This idea came to me during the drive home.  
  
"A business card? Sir, you shouldn't have."  
  
"Just read it smart ass."  
  
"'The Abby.' What is this?"  
  
"'The Abby' is Victorian style bed and breakfast, three meals a day, free laundry and room service. I thought that the next time you wanted a romantic weekend away with any future boyfriend you might have, you might like to stay there."  
  
Jen looks a little bit skeptical. "And how much does a room run per night?"  
  
"Three hundred."  
  
Jen hands the card back, "Thanks sir, but there's no way I could afford something like that."  
  
"Jen that's not why I've giving you the card, I've got tons of them. Now pay attention, when you get there tell them you want to see the owner. I know him, he's always there, and when you meet him, give him your name and he'll give you the room at 50% off."  
  
Jen's eyes look like they're nearly going to bug out of her head. "Sir I couldn't possibly..."  
  
"Don't you dare say you can't accept this. You can and you will. This is my gift to you and I've already called to inform him about you."  
  
Jen stares at me open mouthed until she shakes her head and wraps her arms around my neck, pressing a kiss to my cheek. "Thank you Harm."  
  
"I wanted you to have something I thought you'd love and only you could use."  
  
"I do love it, thank you."  
  
"I do mean full service, they practically have their own spa right there for you to enjoy at will. Prepare to be pampered when you go."  
  
Jen waves the card in front of me. "How did you manage this?"  
  
"Lets just say that the owner owes me for life."  
  
"I probably don't want to hear the story behind that one do I?"  
  
"No you don't and I'm not about to tell you either. Just be assured that everything is above board okay?"  
  
"Okay." I'm glad she isn't pressing the issue. I couldn't tell her the owner's real name anyway. When I was still in the CIA, I was on standby in Crete for an aerial strike in a Stealth on a suspected research facility in Egypt, a hundred miles north of Al Bawiti. At the last minute, command changed the mission profile. Instead of a surgical strike with bomb, we managed to turn an Italian scientist with a boatload of American greenbacks and revised the mission to extract him a few days later. He specializes in nanotechnology; at the time, he was working on developing their potential as a chemical or biological warfare delivery system. He told me a container of chemically loaded nanoprobes put into the water supply of a guarded facility wouldn't show up on any of the chemical detector scans leading into a particular building. From what I understand, there would have been a slight elevation of iron or other trace metals, but nothing that would have alarmed any tech monitoring the system. The nanoprobes from there could release their cargos and kill anyone who drank the water. I didn't have a reason to not believe his story and apparently neither did DCI Watts who approved the whole thing. We did destroy the facility of course, but there was a long firefight and we lost a good agent trying to get him out. We piled on top of a couple humvees and hauled ass out there. Beth picked us up in Sea Stallion helicopter about fifty miles from the Med and took us all the way back to Crete. Surprised the hell out of me when I saw her, she never told me she was rated for helos. Anyhow, during the drive to the Med he told me that if he hadn't become a nano-tech engineer he would've wanted to become the owner of a hotel or a restaurant. When we brought him into the U.S. I told him, he might want to put that desire to use as his cover here in the states. He finished his work for us and then step up shop in Martha's Vineyard. CIA pays him, and pays him well to stay put and stay low. Of course, he's still used as an advisor to our chem weapons and nanotechnology development programs. He owes me for life because I shot the two soldiers who were about to execute him when they realized we gained entry to the facility using his access code.  
  
"Jen, one more thing."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Does Mattie ask about my past?"  
  
"Sometimes, I imagine she's asked you about mine."  
  
"What do you tell her?"  
  
"Only the basics, of course I don't know much more than the basics about you either sir and with your little adventures with the CIA I know even less."  
  
"Well if she ever asks, could you tell her to ask me?"  
  
"Will do and thanks for the gift."  
  
"What gift?" Jen just smiles and heads out the door.  
  
1340 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"Bud what are you doing here on a Saturday?"  
  
Bud looks at me in shock; he obviously didn't see my car out front. "Ah..." Bud quickly glances at the sheets of paper in his hand. "Oh, I came to get my opening statement for my case against Colonel MacKenzie. I wanted to go over it before Monday morning."  
  
"Fun beating her isn't it?" Bud's trying to suppress a smile, I can tell. "I'm not going to tell her if you say yes or no Bud."  
  
Bud offers a small smile like he's trying not to feel to guilty. "Well it normally is, but sometimes she gets so mad after she loses."  
  
"That's what makes it fun."  
  
"Making her mad sir?" Did I say that? Maybe that's why we're always on the verge of our next fight.  
  
"Well she takes everything so personally."  
  
"Don't you sir? Don't you hate losing?"  
  
"Of course I do Bud. I feel bad about losing any case, but it's not going to change who I am. Mac walks into that courtroom like she's got something to prove to herself."  
  
"Why does she do that?"  
  
"I don't know Bud, I've been trying to figure that out for years. Mac's a great lawyer, she has nothing to prove to anyone."  
  
"Speaking of Commander Stanich's case sir, I need you to sign off on a couple things."  
  
"Sure thing Bud, lead the way." Watching Bud move around his desk, I'm even more impressed with the way he managed to get around the ship so quickly. "I guess that software paid off."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"That Soldier Billy program on your computer. The skipper told me you talked him down from the other side of the railing. I guess that program really works."  
  
Bud has this sheepish look about him, he's not telling me something. "Actually sir, I used your approach."  
  
"You told him, 'Don't be a fool'?  
  
"I couldn't think of anything, so I said the first thing that popped into my head." I can't help but laugh; its good to know my crude sense of counseling is actually effective.  
  
"Well it was still good work on your part Bud."  
  
Bud manages to finally locate the right file and hand it over to me with a smile on his face. "Thank you sir."  
  
Peering over the file, I can see Bud still looking at me, chewing on his bottom lip. "Something else on your mind Bud?"  
  
"Its nothing sir I don't want to take up more of your Saturday than I am already am. I'm sure Mattie's waiting for you to come home."  
  
"Mattie currently watching movies at home with a friend of hers. I'm sure they're raiding the frig as we speak." Those were her conditions; if I come here, she gets a friend to spend the day with. "What's up?"  
  
"I was just wondering sir, how did you get me authorized to board the Bennington in the first place?"  
  
"I had to clear it with the Admiral."  
  
"And what was your reasoning for requesting me?"  
  
"I told him I needed a computer expert who wasn't a part of the crew and someone who could follow my lead. You were the obvious choice."  
  
"Thank you for that sir. It was great to be on a ship. It almost felt like..." Bud trails off there and I let him gather his thoughts and perhaps his emotions as well. "It felt like I'd never left."  
  
"Bud you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but I was wondering did Harriet ever ask you to get any help like Lieutenant Ross's wife did."  
  
Bud shifts in his chair, this is probably too personal, but after he told me what he did, I'd like to know just how bad it was. "Once, I got mad at her for suggesting it and we had a huge fight. She never asked again." Bud drums a rhythm on the desk with his fingers. "Why do you ask sir?"  
  
"I was just admiring your courage and fortitude Bud."  
  
"Really sir?"  
  
"Absolutely, because between you and me, if I'd lost my leg like you did..." God this is hard to admit. "I would've eaten a bullet." Bud's expression looks torn. Yeah he understands what that's like, but I can't imagine he holds a lot of sympathy for me, because I still have my leg. "I know its not saying the same thing because I wasn't in your position, but..." Forget it, there's no way I'm going to be able to put myself on an even playing field in his mind or mine for that matter. I thought about it when we were first dealing with Bud's new reality. What if that had been me? I've prided myself on my physical abilities for so long that to lose that would have devastated me. I can't even begin to count the number of cases I've resolved due to my active physical involvement on a case. Losing a leg would've made that Beretta look awfully friendly after a while. "Do you think you would have done it if you hadn't been married and had a little boy?"  
  
"Yes." That's what I thought and I'm ashamed to know that a friend of mine was hurting that badly and I was completely unaware of it.  
  
"This one too sir." After ten minutes of reviewing the file, I'm finally signing the necessary paperwork to close it.  
  
Midway through the process I look up to see Bud staring at a picture of his family. "How are the kids?"  
  
"They're good sir."  
  
"How's A.J.?" That scared the hell out of Mac and I. I can't imagine what it was like for them.  
  
"I don't think he'll try something like that again."  
  
And now for the hard part. "How's Mikey?"  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Bud." The look on my face should tell him I know all about it. I don't, but he doesn't need to know that. I only over heard him talking to what I assumed was his brother's answering machine. I know that he's mad as hell at Bud."  
  
"He's still mad at me."  
  
"Should he be?"  
  
"I don't think so, but apparently he does."  
  
"Do you want me to talk to him?"  
  
"No, that's not necessary sir I'm..."  
  
"I'm headed up to Annapolis tomorrow anyway. I wouldn't mind." I wasn't, but I am now. That is if he agrees to this, although I wouldn't mind if he didn't either, on the other hand I can think of a clear benefit to going. I could take Mattie with me and show her the Academy. It might help her with her decision.  
  
"Well if you could just get him to call me... I think I could handle it from there."  
  
There, I've signed the last one. Closing the file, I hand it back to him. "Before I go, why don't you tell me everything that happened from the time when you got back till now? That way I'm not missing anything or say something stupid." It only takes Bud roughly ten minutes to tell me the entire story. In actuality, not a whole lot of time had passed by from the time Bud arrived back home to the time Mikey brought A.J. back home and then stormed out. "I was so wrapped up in the moment that I wasn't even thinking about what I was saying."  
  
"Did you mean it?"  
  
Bud looks at me in complete shock. "Of course not sir."  
  
"So you weren't the least bit angry that he lost A.J." I've effectively backed him into a corner and he knows it. He can't answer without incriminating himself no matter which way he chooses to do so. If he says no, then he's admitted that he doesn't care about his son's welfare. We both know that's not true so his only other recourse is to acknowledge the fact that he meant every word he said to Mikey.  
  
"I was upset."  
  
Bullshit, he was more than that. "Don't lie to me, he lost your eldest son."  
  
"I was mad."  
  
"Was he right?"  
  
"No he's a capable young man." Young man? Shit Mikey's twenty-three, twenty four years old. He's a man. "Sir, if I may why are you asking me all this? You're supposed to be talking to Mikey not me."  
  
"Look Bud I don't presume to know everything that goes on between you and your brother, but every time I've seen the two of you together you're either defending him or mad at him for some reason or another. It just seems that lately you're always trying to impart a lesson."  
  
"Is that so bad?"  
  
"Not always, but at some point you have to stand back and let him make his own mistakes."  
  
"I guess. I just don't want him making the unnecessary mistakes."  
  
What are you doing Rabb, would you let someone come in and dictate your relationship with Sergei? "I'm sorry Bud, I shouldn't being telling you what to do when it comes to your brother."  
  
"You just want to help sir. I understand."  
  
"Any thing else I should know?"  
  
"I think as long as you don't call him Mikey you'll be fine." I have no intention of calling him Mike either. I'm going to Annapolis to talk to midshipman Roberts. Standing up I say good-bye before heading to my own office to pick up my next case. Lieutenant Tara Bradford maced another officer, Lieutenant j.g. Jack Paulson when she thought he was about to attack her outside the Naval Research Laboratory in the parking lot. She knew me by reputation and insisted that I act as her attorney. Its nice to be needed, but I'm tired of this word of mouth crap that keeps getting thrown in my lap. While Petty Officer Moritz was certainly the most memorable example, it certainly wasn't the first nor will it be the last case I get via this manner. Usually all I get are the idiots who've done something so completely insane that all I can do for them is plead it out. This case however, actually has the potential to go somewhere besides the bargaining table.  
  
I've just pasted the gate guard on my way out when my cell rings. "Hello?"  
  
"Harm, its Mattie."  
  
"Hey there what's going on?"  
  
"Just wondering when you're coming home?"  
  
"I'm on my way as we speak. Do you want me to pick up anything?"  
  
"Root beer and Vanilla ice cream. Rachel and I want to make some root beer floats."  
  
"Okay. Hey, how who you feel about taking a little road trip tomorrow?"  
  
"Depends where would we be going?"  
  
"Well I know we didn't get around to talking about my teenage years, but I thought I might take you up to Annapolis and tour the Naval Academy."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Sure, we can look around and I can tell you about the time I spent there. Who knows, it might help you decided whether or not the Navy's right for you. Its not that far of a drive."  
  
"That sounds great, let's do it."  
  
"Good, I'll be home in a bit."  
  
1433 ZULU  
UNITED STATES NAVAL ACADEMY  
ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND  
  
"Midshipman Roberts!" Mike and two other middies with him freeze at attention, offering salutes as soon as I call out to them. God I remember those years well. At least this is his second year; he's not in the doghouse like those first year maggots running around here. I certainly did like being an upper classmen. Keeter and I were pretty vicious as upperclassmen and its not surprising how easy it is to slip back into that train of thought.  
  
"Good Afternoon sir!" They chorus together with perfect timing.  
  
"At ease. Midshipman Roberts are you busy for lunch?" This isn't a request and they all know it. The Admiral does this to us at JAG all the time. Its nice being on the other side of this for once.  
  
"No sir."  
  
"Good then join me. The rest of you are dismissed."  
  
The other two come attention and we trade salutes. "Aye, aye sir."  
  
"Let's head to the O club." As I lead the way there, I wonder how Mattie's doing. We wandered around while we talked. I pointed out a few things, told her of a few experiences I had on campus and the like. I thought it would be best if she got a tour from female middie without me there to pressure or influence her either way. When we walked into the Admissions department, I requested and got a third year female midshipman to give Mattie a tour of the place. She's going to bring Mattie to the officer's club at twelve thirty. There is one problem with my rank right now, because he's the standard two steps to my six I can't talk to Mikey on the way there. Walking into the club, I can see that it's filling up. Classes resume on Monday and I imagine most of the faculty members have been here since yesterday.  
  
When the hostess notices us, she walks over. "How many with you today Commander?"  
  
"Just the two of us. How long before we have a table?"  
  
"Ten to Fifteen minutes or so."  
  
"We'll be at the bar."  
  
Okay, I'll come and get you when a table opens up."  
  
"Come on let's get a drink first." As we belly up to the bar I pull out my wallet and one of the bartenders wanders over. "I'll buy the first round, what are you having?"  
  
"I'll have a Miller Lite."  
  
"Two".  
  
Beer in hand Mikey takes a good hard swallow before finally speaking up. "Sir?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Permission to speak freely?"  
  
"Sure".  
  
"I don't appreciate you being here on Bud's behalf. He has no right to involve you in family affairs."  
  
I can't help the smirk on my face, I'm sure its pissing him off, but I don't care and there's not a damn thing he can do about it either. "I'm not here for you Midshipman Roberts."  
  
"Sure you aren't sir. I don't need Bud asking you and Colonel MacKenzie to help me out every time there's a problem over here." When have I ever done this before?  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
His expression softens as he realizes I don't know what he's referring to. "I keep forgetting you weren't at JAG for those five months."  
  
"Why don't you tell me what happened."  
  
"Last fall, Colonel MacKenzie came out here to help out a friend of mine because Bud asked her to. He was accused of plagiarism by Captain Tally."  
  
"Was he guilty?"  
  
"Yes, he wasn't expelled, but he was given a year's honor remediation."  
  
"What does Mac have to do with that?"  
  
"She was investigating the accusation to see if it was racially motivated."  
  
"Was it?"  
  
Mikey manages a small laugh. "Captain Tally is African American, I don't see how that's possible." Oh its possible, it just doesn't happen very often. "Sir, if you're not here for me, then why are you here?"  
  
"You heard that I became the guardian of a teenage girl right?"  
  
"Harriet mentioned it to me."  
  
"She's considering becoming a Naval Aviator. I thought I'd bring her up here and show her around. Let her get a feel for the Academy. I've got a female midshipman giving her a tour right now."  
  
Mikey takes a slow drink of his beer. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you sir. I had no right to question your motives for being here."  
  
Our server walks off with our menus as soon as we finish ordering our meals. "Now that you've mentioned it, you do realize why Bud was so pissed."  
  
"Sir I really don't want to talk about..."  
  
"No you opened this can of worms so now we're going to talk about it."  
  
Mikey bites back a comment and answers my original question. "Yes of course I can see why he was mad. A.J. could have been kidnapped and killed."  
  
"And when you include Sarah in that picture, that would have been two out of three." Mikey leans back in his seat and lets out a long sigh as he considers that. "I know it wasn't your fault."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Hell yes I do. I've lost kids like that, you turn around for a second, and they're gone. Those kids have a five second attention span and they run off at drop of a hat towards whatever has their attention."  
  
"I wasn't expecting you to be this understanding sir. A.J.'s your Godson."  
  
"Don't let Bud fool you into thinking he's immune either. You know what a Tiger cruise is don't you?"  
  
"Of course I do, dad used to take me and Bud on them all the time."  
  
"I brought my girlfriend's... well ex-girlfriend's son along with me on one. I asked Bud to watch him and he lost him."  
  
"Is this the one where a bunch of terrorists took over the boat and tried to kill Castro?"  
  
That's classified information. "How did you know about that?"  
  
"It was all over the news."  
  
"No I mean the target package, how did you know about that?"  
  
"Bud told me." I'm going to have to talk to him about his loose lips around family.  
  
"The point is that a boat's a lot more dangerous than any arcade. Pretend there were no terrorists, what if he'd gotten next to a railing and fallen over board without his life jacket? There's a reason why those kids are supervised and Bud lost the one kid he was supposed to be watching." Mikey seems to be pleasantly amused by this story.  
  
"Were you mad at him sir?"  
  
"I was a little too busy to be mad and I didn't find out what happened until long after the fact."  
  
"I've grown tired of Bud's company. He's either trying to pass judgment or give me advise I don't want."  
  
"He just wants the best for you."  
  
"No he wants me to be like him, and I have no interest in his life. Who the hell wants to join the Navy to become a lawyer as a first choice?" Mikey looks surprised at his words and he nervously smiles as he looks at me.  
  
I smile back, but I'm semi-serious when I say this. "You're lucky you tacked that on at the end."  
  
"Seriously sir. You, Commander Turner and Admiral Chegwidden were all in active duty combat positions before going to JAG. I believe it's your combat experiences that have shaped who the three of you are and have made you into better and more understanding lawyers because of it."  
  
I lean back as the server brings us our order. Hamburger for him, a patty melt for me. "That's a double edged sword though. If we're on the prosecution, we know exactly how to go after them."  
  
"How often does that happen?"  
  
He's got a point there. "Not that often, we're usually jumping to defend one of our brothers in arms."  
  
Mikey wraps both of his hands around his burger as he takes a big bite out of it and washes it down the last of his second beer. "Do you wonder sometimes what it would have been like if you wouldn't have had your eye problems. I don't mean right after, where do you think you'd be today?"  
  
I think about that a lot more than he knows. "I think about it all the time. I'd probably be a Squadron Commander looking to get my Captain's eagles and a billet as a CAG somewhere. Of course, had I gone that route I might not have earned the three combat decorations I've received."  
  
Mikey ignores that as he presses on. "What about personally? You know a wife, kids, that sort of thing."  
  
"Well if I'd stayed on the Sea Hawk like I think I would have. My girlfriend would have joined up late during one of our cruises."  
  
Mikey's eyes bug out slightly. "Wouldn't that be against..."  
  
"No one knew we were." I've envisioned that future a million times in my head. Diane only needed one or two more cruises before she would have been able to be stationed stateside. She could have joined up with Naval Intelligence if she wanted. I've even seen the children we were destined to have together. I've held them in my dreams.  
  
"So how come you don't have her now?" Well maybe Bud doesn't share everything. He's the one who found her body.  
  
"She was murdered."  
  
"I'm sorry sir, I had no..."  
  
"It's not your fault, you know we actually met here."  
  
"In here, here sir?"  
  
"At the Academy. I was a year older. Mike, I can understand why Bud was so mad and I hope you do too." At his curious glance, I clarify, although I'm not sure if he's wondering about his name or the source of Bud's anger. "Bud told me. I may not know what its like to lose a child, but when I lost her, the love of my life. I was hell bent to find the bastard who did it. I didn't care who I had to step over or get around to do it either."  
  
"You found the guy?"  
  
"Eventually, but he died in a mishap before I bring him to justice."  
  
His eyebrows have nearly gone through the roof with what he thinks I'm implying. "Mishap sir?"  
  
"I didn't kill him, but I was there when it happened. He fell in between the dock and the hull of his ship in port."  
  
"Yuck, bet that was an awful stain."  
  
"Yeah, but I won't lie to you when I say it still felt good. Justice had been served even if it wasn't in a court room."  
  
2136 ZULU, THE NEXT DAY  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"Mac you can't be serious, aggravated assault?"  
  
"I am serious, she attacked an unarmed officer in the parking lot." Beside me is Lieutenant Bradford sitting in her chair with a look of rage written across her face.  
  
"She was being stalked Mac."  
  
"So she says."  
  
"What would have happen if I'd held that attitude?" That's probably underhanded at best, but I'm not going to let her forget that she was in the same boat once.  
  
Mac glares at me before looking at Lieutenant Bradford and then back to myself. "Where was his weapon? Lieutenant Paulson didn't have a knife, or a gun, or any thing else that could be construed as a weapon."  
  
"Since when does a man need a weapon to harm a woman? I've seen pictures of Lieutenant Paulson Mac, the guy is plenty strong enough to subdue a woman with his bare hands."  
  
"Plead guilty and we drop everything, she leaves the Navy with her dishonorable discharge."  
  
"And a federal conviction following her for life." Mac turns her head as we both hear the knocking on conference room door. This is so unprofessional. "What!"  
  
To my dismay, it's Jen poking her head through the opening. "Sir the SECNAV called the Admiral's line because he can't reach you on your cell or your office line. He wants you to call him back now." Damn it, they're rewiring the phone line in my section of the building. I'm one of the few who doesn't have a hard line at the moment. Mattie drained my cell on the ride back from Annapolis talking to a friend of hers and I forgot to replace the battery when we got home.  
  
I have to do this before she disappears. "I'm sorry for the yelling Petty Officer. I didn't mean it."  
  
"I know sir."  
  
"Ah, Mac I need to take this." Mac's closing up her file, but I don't trust her not to ask questions while I'm gone. "Don't talk to her Lieutenant until I get back understood?"  
  
"Not necessary Harm. We've said all that needs to be said."  
  
"Then you're with me Lieutenant." Jen hands me the SECNAV's number as she starts to head off in another direction. "Jen?"  
  
"Yes sir?"  
  
"Feel free to raid my frig with Mattie tonight okay? I've got a feeling I'm not going to be home any time soon."  
  
"Did you restock it when I wasn't looking?"  
  
"Well I needed something to sedate the wolves living next door." Jen smiles at my nickname for her and Mattie and walks away.  
  
Mac pulls even with me, Lieutenant Bradford two steps behind us as we make for the bullpen. "What did you do now Harm?"  
  
"What makes you think I did anything?"  
  
"Because people like the SECNAV don't call people like you with good news."  
  
True enough. "People like me?" Mac doesn't respond, she only walks away with a smile on her face when we reach the bullpen. "Hey Sturgis?"  
  
Sturgis is at the copier looking at some form or another and doesn't look up. "Yeah?" "Can I borrow your phone for a second?"  
  
"Sure thing."  
  
Lieutenant Bradford follows me into the office, but remains near the door as she looks about my old office. I miss my office. Hell, I'd even take Bud's if the Admiral ever offered it to me. Speaking of Bud, I'm curious if Mikey called him or not. "Hello, this Commander Rabb returning a call from Secretary Scheffield."  
  
"One moment Commander."  
  
The decor of Sturgis' office has apparently intrigued Lieutenant Bradford as she moves about his office. "Aren't any of you just lawyers?"  
  
I cover up the mouthpiece before I respond. "Well Commander Turner and I moonlight when we can."  
  
"I hear you do more than just moonlight, you two earn decorations doing it."  
  
"We get lucky."  
  
"I hope you're more than lucky Commander."  
  
"Not to worry Lieutenant, I make my own luck."  
  
Shit here we go. "Commander Rabb, so good of you to finally return my call."  
  
"My apologies sir, they're rewiring the phone lines and my office is one of those being redone."  
  
"I didn't catch you at a bad time did I?"  
  
"No sir."  
  
"Are you available for dinner later tonight?" This isn't a request either. Didn't I just do this to Mikey?  
  
"Absolutely sir. Where should I meet you?"  
  
"Meet me at my office at six, I trust that'll give you enough time to make it over here." This is irritating, he still hasn't told me what he wants, and he always wants something. "Yes sir, thank you sir."  
  
"That didn't sound too bad sir."  
  
Maybe not, but I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. "We'll see about that when I finally see him."  
  
"What's he like sir?"  
  
"I don't think he likes me very much, but he's not the first and he won't be the last."  
  
"I like you sir." Of course she does.  
  
"You like me because I'm the only one standing between you and the brig."  
  
"That's not true sir. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everything you did for Lieutenant O'Dell." That name should ring a bell; thankfully, she rings it for me. "He's dispersing officer aboard the Connally sir." Oh now I remember, Sturgis' missing nuke torpedo saved the Navy ten million and his career.  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"Good sir, thanks to you."  
  
"How do you know him?"  
  
"We went through the NROTC at Michigan together. He told me to look you up when he found out I was in trouble. He said you were the best."  
  
"Well you'll get the same effort from me that he did. You're going to be okay Lieutenant, that's a promise."  
  
2056 ZULU  
THE PENTAGON  
  
WASHINGTON D.C.  
  
I'm nervous, I have no idea what the SECNAV wants, but it can't be anything good even if he's invited me to dinner. Currently I'm waiting outside his office waiting for him to see me. As the door opens, I come to attention as two Marine Brigadier Generals come out followed by the SECNAV. "Sirs."  
  
The SECNAV's stopped in the door way as the Generals pass me by. "Come on in Commander."  
  
"Thank you sir."  
  
"Can I get you anything to drink Commander?" I glance over at his bar only for a moment. It looks like he's got Bourbon among other things over there and knowing the SECNAV he only has the best stuff. Still I can't start drinking, I'm going to have to drive home, and even though I have a good alcohol tolerance, I still want to be in complete control of all of my faculties for this dinner.  
  
"No, thank you sir."  
  
"I wanted to thank you for defending me in the International Criminal Court. You did a hell of a job over there."  
  
It never should have happened in the first place. "Thank you sir."  
  
"I hear a 'but' somewhere in there." Where did he hear that? He's right, but I didn't say it.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Commander I'm in politics. I know when someone's holding back. Do believe it was the right thing to do?"  
  
"Sir, I stand by Admiral Chegwidden's appraisal of the situation. There was no need for you to subject yourself to the potential consequences of losing like that."  
  
The SECNAV leans back in his chair, drink in hand and a smile on his face. "A.J. promised me his best and he delivered. So did you and Colonel MacKenzie."  
  
"But that doesn't make us invincible Mr. Secretary."  
  
"I'd say you're pretty close Commander." He rights himself and opens a file on my desk. I think it's my personnel file. "I've been reading through your file here. You've had quite a career thus far. Both in the Navy and... else where." I doubt he knows as much as he thinks he does about my CIA career and I'm not about to volunteer information.  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Where do you see that career taking you?"  
  
"I'm not exactly sure sir. I've working under the assumption that due to my history of disobedience, recklessness and my short lived retirement that I'm capped at Commander." I've read that file, there's plenty of letters in there from superior officers whom I've managed to piss off during the course of my career.  
  
"Yes the live fire drill in the court room makes for exciting reading. However, I wouldn't have agreed to reinstate your commission if you were just some lawyer. I can always get another JAG."  
  
"Then may I ask sir why you did?"  
  
"Because you are a man of many talents Commander. Decorated war hero, successful attorney... the Navy needs men like you." Wow, now that's a compliment. I wish I had that on tape to play for Mac. I'm about to respond when we hear the knock on the door and a smile appears on his face. "Enter." My jaw nearly drops when Tracy Manetti comes walking in. I should have seen this coming. "Commander, good to see you again."  
  
"Thank you sir." I still can't get over that Southern drawl of hers. It sounds so out of place coming from her. "Commander Rabb good to see you too sir."  
  
I shake her hand as she sits down next to me. "You too Commander."  
  
"I've asked Tracy... Commander Manetti here to join us for dinner." Is he setting us up on a date? "Commander I'd like you to consider working directly for me."  
  
No, this is not a date and that's not an order? "Consider sir?"  
  
"That's correct, this is not an order. I'm going to be honest with you Commander. You impress the hell out of me, moreover, I trust your judgment." Dog robber, I'm already thinking about Tom Boone. That's what he's asking me to be for him.  
  
"Sir there are more senior officers with equally impressive trial histories in the Navy with good judgment. Why me sir?"  
  
"Because you're more than a lawyer. You have friends and in roads into the CIA, Naval Intelligence, the surface fleet, and I couldn't hope to find a lawyer with your experience in aviation. Commander Manetti has also told me of your previous exploits together and I think the two of you would make a damn fine team." Oh, so that's why he wants me. He wants the connections I've built up to use for his own purposes.  
  
I can't believe I'm going to say this. "Sir if you're so sure about this, why are you giving me the option?"  
  
"Because I want the people working directly for me to want to be there. I'm sure if I ordered you into this, I'd get your best effort, but I believe your passion would be lacking." I guess Secretary Sheffield is smarter than I give him credit for.  
  
"I take it you need a decision now."  
  
"I'll give you 24 hours, after that the offer's off the table."  
  
"It's just a lot to consider."  
  
"I understand, but take into consideration the fact that you'll rarely be traveling overseas." So what, my job description at JAG says the same thing. That doesn't mean that it happens. "You can spend more time with that little girl of yours." Yeah but no Tomcats or Hornets or anything else for that matter either. That's one of things I love about carrier investigations. I can usually find some reason that sounds halfway plausible to get myself up in a bird. His secretary comes in over the intercom, telling him that the Secretary of Defense is on the line. Well, that cuts anything else I might say off in hurry. "Will the two of you excuse me please?"  
  
This not how I envisioned my evening. Well I'm not sure what I expected when he called, but this reality certainly didn't make the list. I found a couch not far from the SECNAV's office door. It's not long before Tracy joins me. "How are you doing Tracy?"  
  
"Just fine Harm, just fine." The first name basis is something we've been doing since Naples. I had a really great time there with her afterwards. We went out, had dinner and a drink. She talked me into dancing and I struggled mightily to keep up with her on dance floor, but it was a good night out on the town.  
  
"So what have you been up to?"  
  
"Oh the SECNAV's been bouncing me around. I haven't been at any once place for more than a few months."  
  
That reminds me a lot of what Kate used to do. "That must be hard."  
  
"Very hard. I just want to build a life somewhere, but that's impossible to do right now with the way he's moving me around." This is just re- enforcing my instinct to turn the SECNAV's offer down.  
  
"How long did take you to get him to call you by your rank?" I know a lot more about her history with him than most anyone else does. I know she hates it when he calls her Tracy. I also noticed his slip up back there in the office not too long ago.  
  
She gives me a frustrated groan in reply. "I'm still working on that. He's not as bad as he used to be, but I still find it extremely unprofessional. I already work for the man I don't need everyone else knowing he's on a first name basis with me. I'd rather everyone think I'm just another officer to him."  
  
"I think that ship has sailed Tracy."  
  
"What else are you thinking about Harm?"  
  
"The SECNAV's offer."  
  
"Are you going to take it?"  
  
"Do you want me to?"  
  
Tracy gives me a small smile. "We do work well together." Things like that can change; Mac and I are proof enough of that. If that weren't enough, I find the fact that he's offering me Commander Lindsey's old post equally distasteful. Tracy's smile disappears as she figures it out for herself. "You're not going to take this position are you?"  
  
"No I don't think so. I still think I'm making the biggest difference right where I am."  
  
"It must be nice to have that kind of connection to a place." It is, or at least it was, I haven't felt it since my month's vacation in the Marine brig at Anacostia last spring. I can't believe it's almost been a year since then.  
  
"You could always ask him to be permanently reassigned to JAG."  
  
"After what the SECNAV told Admiral Chegwidden about me? Forget it, I'd always been regarded as some sort of spy."  
  
"They wouldn't think that." That's a lie, yes they would.  
  
Tracy gives me quick glance before looking away. "You did."  
  
"I'm sorry about that. I should have cut you a break. Forgive me?"  
  
"Well your instincts were right so I can't exactly fault you for them in the first place."  
  
I return the smile that she gives me. "If you came back, I'd see to it that didn't happen again." I wouldn't mind having her there. At least she'd be one woman I could talk to at JAG without it getting back to Mac or Mattie. Everyone else there funnels information to those two.  
  
"What I really need is to get some experience in the fleet. I'm a Lieutenant Commander and I've yet to serve aboard a Naval vessel. There are Lieutenants out there with more experience than me."  
  
"What's stopping you from asking for a transfer?"  
  
"I'm afraid of his reaction. He's had a lot to do with my advancement."  
  
"Well maybe its time you separate yourself from him. Carrier duty or some overseas billet would go a long way towards your next promotion."  
  
Tracy nods, I actually feel sorry for her. She's trapped by her 'relationship' to the SECNAV and she doesn't know how to free herself. "I know." After a moment, a smile comes to her face and I'm curious what's brought about her change of attitude. "So, what's it like having a little girl?"  
  
"Well she's fifteen going on thirty so I don't know if you can call her little anymore."  
  
"Ah, boyfriends, dates and dances. You really jumped into the thick of it didn't you?"  
  
"I guess I did. Actually she's extremely mature and focused for her age, smart as a tack, but I'm afraid she's missing out on the fun of being a kid."  
  
Tracy leans back in the couch and taps her chin. "Hmmm, hard charging teen bent on becoming an adult. Extremely responsible, doesn't enjoy being seen as a kid or incapable. Likes the command and respect adulthood offers."  
  
I interrupt her before she can say anymore. "Profiling again?" I just have to give her a little shit about that every now and then. She actually much better than she gives herself credit for. Then again, I don't have a lot of experience in that regard either. All I know is she did a hell of a job in Naples and I'm glad to see it boosted her self-confidence.  
  
Her cheeks flush and I don't know why. "Sorry".  
  
"You don't do that to me do you?"  
  
Tracy echoes my smile back. "You don't fit into any profile I know Harm." I'm not sure if that's good, bad or if she's just coming on to me. I'm proud to be individualistic enough to stand out, but that could also mean I'm so far out there that I've become an amusement, a curiosity to others. Here we have Harmon Rabb; an attractive, single, white male. Fighter pilot and a lawyer in the U.S. Navy who has gone about building a family in just about the most fucked up manner possible. Well its time to find out which.  
  
"Is that good or bad?"  
  
"Oh, its definitely a good thing. Its what make you who and what you are today."  
  
This'll be interesting. "And what's that?"  
  
"An outstanding Naval officer and a good man." Its too bad everyone doesn't share that opinion.  
  
I briefly hear the SEVNAV talking to his secretary, a female Marine Corporal, through the intercom before turning my attention back to Tracy. "You don't think I should take this position do you."  
  
She only shakes her head. "I'd love to work with you again on a permanent basis Harm, but I think you'd hate the job and I fear it would destroy our friendship as a result."  
  
"I'm glad you felt confident enough in our friendship that you could tell me that."  
  
"Well I did give you a ring didn't I?"  
  
I can't help the laugh bubbling out of me. Now that takes me back. "Yeah you did."  
  
We're both still laughing when the Corporal comes to attention before us. "Yes Corporal, what is it?"  
  
"Sir, Ma'am. The SECNAV regrets to inform you that he won't be able to make it to dinner tonight. He's asking that you go on without him. Commander he asks that you give him a call regarding your decision as well."  
  
"Thank you kindly Corporal."  
  
"Well I suppose I should just tell him now and spare us all the trouble."  
  
Tracy hooks her arm around mine as I get up and pulls me back down. "Leave that go until tomorrow. Let's go have dinner together."  
  
"Do you know how expensive the meals are at the Embassy Row?" That's where we were going to eat, the Embassy Row Hotel. Prices there are through the roof, and now that the SECNAV's not coming, we'd be footing the bill.  
  
She only cocks her head at my question and gives me a sly grin. "So what, this is still on the Navy's nickel and I'm hungry. Let's go out."  
  
Let's go out? "People will say we are in love." I'm curious if she'll pick up on the movie quote, I tried my best with the impression.  
  
Her smile tells me that she does. "Do I strike you as a Clarice Starling?"  
  
Well she did take a profiling course with the FBI and worked with a serial killer. Two in fact, caught one, defended another. "A little."  
  
Tracy smiles at me as straightens her uniform as we stand up. "If you order liver or lamb chops tonight, you're buying the drinks the next time we go out." I only laugh as we walk out, that's not going to be a problem. No the only problem on my horizon is how to tell the SECNAV no, that said I'm still not going to allow it to ruin our evening. I'm here to have a good time and any chance of good times with even better friends isn't something to be wasted. 


	10. The Events That Change Us

Author's Note: Okay lets clear up one thing right away and answer what might be a later question for all our non-aviation type readers out there, CFIT stands for Controlled Flight Into Terrain. A big thanks to those who gave reviews as well as those sending me personal e-mails your responses are most appreciated.  
  
1946 ZULU COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT NORTH OF UNION STATION, WASHINGTON D.C  
  
A liability? Even as I watch Mac drive off from up here, I can't believe she said that. I've never been called that before in my life. Okay so maybe I can't help her, but I sure as hell can do something about my situation here. At least I think I can. There's still a lot I can't hear and I don't think I've felt this weak since my dip in the Atlantic. Between the temporary hearing loss, the temporary amnesia, and the half a dozen concussions or so I've suffered, I'm afraid the next blow to my head is going to cause something a lot more permanent. Now that I know Sadik's in town, I'm a little more grateful that I haven't been able to contact Catherine in the past couple of days. First of all, I can't hear shit so I couldn't call. I couldn't drive because my equilibrium and motor skills are still too fucked up to trust myself getting in behind the wheel and there's no way I'm letting Mattie do it. Well that's assuming that Mattie would even be willing to do something like that. She still doesn't like Catherine and its all my fault. I'd sleep better if I knew that Sadik either doesn't know about her or doesn't care. I'm sure he did his homework on me, but I haven't seen Catherine in about a week. It's frustrating as hell to know I can't protect her. All I can do is hope he doesn't go any further into my life beyond me. If he were to do something to her that would cost her, her baby I could never live with myself. The same is true for Mattie... and Jen when I think about it. They're like the daughter and sister I never had.  
  
"Was that Mac leaving?" Damn it I still didn't even hear Mattie and Jen walk in.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Jen follows me as I turn away from them. "You okay?"  
  
"I'm fine." Jen can tell that I'm lying, but before she can say anything, I mouth 'later' to her. Thankfully, she goes along with it for now. "Does anyone want anything to drink before we continue?"  
  
Mattie empties what's left in her glass. "I'll have another coke."  
  
"Jen?"  
  
Jen quietly regards me for a moment. She's probably trying to figure out what I'm not telling her. "No I'm good." Just walking over to the frig still requires my complete attention to avoid looking like some kind of idiot. At least its clearing up, now I only get dizzy when I stand up too fast or try to move too quickly. When I was at Bethesda, I couldn't walk from my bed to bathroom without grabbing onto something or staggering around like a drunk. Thank God I have Jen, she's been amazing lately and right about Mattie a lot more than I'd like to admit. She was right; lying to Mattie would have been disastrous if she'd learned the truth later on.  
  
"Okay, that's two, four, double letter score on the 'U', that's 8 points for me."  
  
"Duh is not a word you can't cheat like that."  
  
"The rules say we can use slang words."  
  
"Where does it say that?" Mattie picks up the cover and reads a portion of the rules. "Lemme see that." Scrolling down the list of rules, I find that we're both right. "It says everyone playing has to decide whether or not to include slang words. We never did."  
  
"We didn't say they were illegal either." She's been paying too much attention to me, she sounds like a lawyer. Looking over at Jen I can see she's trying to hide a smile by taking a drink and then looking away from me.  
  
"Alright, fine, 8 points, but let it be known they're scored under protest."  
  
"Your protest is noted, 8 points for me please." Begrudgingly, I add to her running total. If we're allowing slang in, I'm going to be destroyed by these two. The other thing my temporary disability has done is make Mattie much more assertive. She still went to school yesterday, but she fought like hell not to. I had to promise to stay at Bethesda until Jen could take me home after work. I think she enjoyed giving me orders. Actually, I'd be more afraid of what Jen would demand of me if she knew she could get away with it. She's in the Navy, what enlisted man, or woman wouldn't want to order a senior officer around? As for Mattie, I was in no position to argue with her, I could barely walk at a normal pace let alone keep up with fully functioning fifteen year old. All of this has left me with a newfound respect for the challenges the deaf face in their lives on a daily basis. The doctors told me how lucky I was that I didn't get any acid in my eyes from the explosion. I don't think anyone can argue the fact that being blind would be far worse than losing just my hearing.  
  
Its Jen's turn and by the fact that she picking up a lot her tiles I'm not going to like this. "Okay 'nitpick', double word score, that's thirty big ones." Ugh, I was roped into this thinking that my lawyer's vocabulary would be the deciding factor. Now I feel like I've been conned. I guess that's appropriate, she used to do it all the time. I'm learning the hard way that Jen is a scrabble freak, mom used to be like that too. I don't know how these words jump out at them like that.  
  
Jen gets up and walks to the kitchen. "Where are you going?"  
  
Jen turns around and smiles at me. "The timer went off." It did? Damn it, this is getting ridiculous. I couldn't do a whole hell of a lot today so I decided I could at least do some cooking; make a nice dinner for a change. If they weren't here I would have burnt the damn thing and all that effort would have been for not. By the time, Jen and Mattie talked me into the game the lasagna had been baking for nearly two hours. Getting up I walk over to join her at the oven and peer inside at the pan of lasagna baking there. There's meat in it of course, I'd say Mattie doing an excellent job of weaning me back on to red meat. Pulling out the pan, I leave it sit on top of the stove.  
  
"Well it's done, when do you guys wanna eat?" I don't know when exactly we stopped asking Jen to join us, doesn't matter I guess, feeding her is the least I can do for her after everything she's done for me.  
  
"Mattie where's your homework?" We've only just finished the meal. Jen wanted to finish pounding Mattie and me into the ground. Consequently, she gets to drive my Corvette instead of her Taurus when she gives me a ride into work tomorrow. The Admiral won't let me come back in without a chauffer apparently and all I'm going to be allowed to do is push paper around all day. Sturgis replaced battery for me and dropped it off here while I was still in the hospital.  
  
"In my room, its done, do you want to check for me?"  
  
"Sure, let me do the dishes and we'll go over it together."  
  
Mattie gets up out of her chair. "I'll do the dishes, you check my homework." Mattie pauses as she gets up. "Uhhh, I shouldn't have eaten so much, I'm stuffed." Jen and I are clearing the table as she closes the door behind her.  
  
Jen grabs my arm as I dump the plates and glasses into the sink, preventing me from going back for another load. "Okay spill it." I should have known she'd jump all over this. "What is it you wouldn't tell me before?"  
  
"Do you remember the terrorist Mac and I were chasing all over Paraguay?"  
  
"Vaguely, I don't recall any specifics, why?"  
  
"Well because apparently the next round is going to be played in our home court. Sadik Fahd is here in D.C."  
  
Jen's mouth drops and she points at my head. "Is he responsible for that?"  
  
"Mac thinks so and I'm inclined to agree with her."  
  
"Is he going to be coming back for you?"  
  
"I don't know, maybe Mac was right, maybe he just wanted me out of the way. In any case, I want you to be particularly careful okay. If you see anyone suspicious or get any weird calls, let me know. I don't want him coming after you two, I'd rather he focus his attention on me."  
  
"I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself." Maybe so, but I won't let her while Mattie's in the same room.  
  
"Are you armed?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, he will be. I want him to come to me, not you two."  
  
"Why aren't you telling Mattie?"  
  
There's not a chance in hell I'm going to worry her pretty little head about this unless it's absolutely necessary. "She doesn't need to know. She's got enough to deal with on her own without having to look over her shoulder on top of it."  
  
Jen sighs and heads back to the table as I fill the sink with soapy water. "What about you?"  
  
"I've got a gun, I'll be fine."  
  
"Sir you can't even hear somebody knocking on the door how are you going to hear someone picking the lock to get in?"  
  
"And someone with good hearing would in the middle of the night?" She has to concede me that.  
  
Jen sets the pan of lasagna back on the stove and leans back against the counter a worried frown on her forehead. "I still don't like it."  
  
"What's to like? There's a psycho out there and I wish I'd killed him months ago." I'm so glad I insisted upon the dead bolt lock on their door. If they didn't have it, I'd be giving Jen my Beretta. I know she knows how to use it. "I seriously doubt he's going to come back."  
  
"If you really believed that you wouldn't be telling me this."  
  
"I'm just being careful."  
  
"And what if Mattie sees something or gets a call and doesn't know she might be in danger?"  
  
"The CIA are on him or they're going to be. I'll give it one day, if they don't have him by then, then I'll tell her." I was going to say more when Jen looks at the door. One thing I will say, when I lost my hearing I've learned to read body language a lot better. I'm curious to know how much more my other senses would have improved had I lost my hearing permanently. Right on cue, Mattie walks through the door, her backpack slung over one shoulder.  
  
"Well that's understandable Bud nobody takes the death penalty lightly."  
  
"I sure could use your help on this one sir."  
  
"Look I'll be in the office tomorrow, we'll go over it together all right?"  
  
"It's going to be good to have you back sir. Everybody here was pretty worried about you."  
  
"For a while there I was too Bud. When they were taking me into the hospital at Bethesda I was afraid it was permanent and that I'd lose Mattie."  
  
"Mattie wouldn't leave you if you were deaf sir."  
  
"I know, I was just thinking about the Juvenal court. There's no way I would have been allowed to keep her with that kind of injury." I nearly called it a disability. Yes that was it would be, but I don't want to call it that while I'm talking to Bud.  
  
"I suppose not."  
  
"Has Mikey called yet?"  
  
"No, I just tried his number again. I still only get the machine."  
  
"You understand that I couldn't order him to pick up the phone. I thought it would be best if he did it voluntarily."  
  
"I understand that... I'm just frustrated with his stubbornness."  
  
"He'll come around Bud, it's the one thing you can guarantee about family, they always come back." Well maybe it needs a disclaimer, at least my family does. They come back unless they're sent off to war.  
  
"I guess. Well I'll let you go sir, Harriet's probably wondering what's keeping me."  
  
"Tell her I said hi."  
  
"I will, goodbye."  
  
"Goodbye." Setting the phone down, I turn around to see that Mattie's disappeared. "Mattie?" There's still two dishes in the sink and her backpack's leaning up against the island where I left it after I checked her English and Geometry homework. She must have left to get something from her room. I finish the dishes for her and plunk down in my chair to read until she comes back. Twenty minutes later I'm tired of waiting, maybe she was trying to give me some privacy for the phone call with Bud. I pick up her backpack to bring it back to her when the phone rings again. "Hello?"  
  
"Harm? It Catherine."  
  
"Hi, what's going on?"  
  
"I just want to call you and tell you that Sadik's dead."  
  
"When?"  
  
"About ten minutes ago." Now that's what I call rapid intelligence. He's not even cold yet and I know he's dead. "Colonel MacKenzie shot him in the head."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"She wore a wire and drew him right in. When he heard the sirens they got into a fight and she shot him." Way to go Mac, she can probably chalk that one up under a revenge driven killing as well as self-defense.  
  
"So how did you find out so quickly?"  
  
"Because once the FBI finds out about this there's going to be a big pissing contest between the two over who should have had jurisdiction."  
  
This only serves to irritate the hell out of me. "And they want you heading this up in your condition? You're due in less than a week."  
  
"That's why I'm calling."  
  
"Your going into labor?!" Please God; tell me she's not, not while I can't drive.  
  
"No." Oh, thank you God.  
  
"Then what was it?"  
  
I can hear her sigh into the phone. "I wanted to hear your voice, I miss you, and everything in my life seems easier some how when you're around."  
  
Oh, that wonderful woman. "I miss you too. The Admiral won't let me drive myself in tomorrow so it'll probably be this weekend before I can come over."  
  
"Okay, oops, I gotta go Harm I've got a call on the other line."  
  
"Catherine?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Thanks for calling."  
  
"You're welcome Harm."  
  
Mattie opens the door, a guilty look on her face doing so. "Hey you forgot this."  
  
She takes it from me, looking it over. "Oh, thanks, I was wonder where I left it." She's lying, and it's so obvious.  
  
"Why did you leave?"  
  
"I thought you needed some privacy for your phone call."  
  
Time to end this farce "Mattie".  
  
I follow her into her bedroom as she sits down on her bed. "Why do you have to go into work so soon?"  
  
"Because I need to get back in the saddle again. I'm just going to be in the office all day."  
  
"I don't think you're ready to go back."  
  
"Mattie I can't stay at home all day and you're not going to miss another day of school so forget about even asking for it."  
  
"But you can't even drive yourself into work."  
  
There's something a lot deeper than just this going on. "Mattie what's this really about?" She doesn't answer me and I think I'm getting the picture here. "Is it because I'm getting my hearing back that you think I won't need you anymore?"  
  
"It was just nice taking care of you for a change."  
  
"Do you remember what I said when you first came here and I didn't like the idea of you living down the hall?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I said, 'I need you to look after me.' Does that ring any bells? Look, whether you know it or not Mattie you are one of the few people who give my life direction and a sense of purpose outside of the Navy and JAG. I'll always need you." We talk for a few more minutes telling each other how much we mean to the other. As we hug, Mattie looks towards the bedroom door, whatever it is that's drawn her attention, its too soft for me to hear.  
  
Mattie maneuvers me around and sits me down on the bed. "Mattie says stay." I glare at her only briefly as a big smile comes to her face when she sees that I'm complying.  
  
"You realize that this is going to end by the time I get back from work tomorrow."  
  
Mattie's smile grows even bigger, though I don't know how that's possible. "So long as it works now." When she leaves the room, I hear muffled conversation in the other. They know they can talk softly and I won't be able to hear them. Less than two minutes later, my curiosity has gotten the better of me as I poke my head out. What I see shocks me; Mattie and Jen are hugging in the middle of the room, Jen wiping tears from her eyes.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
Mattie spins around as Jen finishes wiping away her tears. "I'm fine sir."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
Mattie laughs, pointing a finger at me. "You were supposed to be in the room sitting quietly." Oh, this must be her trying to discipline me.  
  
"I was curious, I wanted to know what was going on."  
  
"Curiosity killed the cat."  
  
"Not this cat, I've got a lot more than just nine lives." Truth be told I've lost track of how many times in the course of duty I should have been killed. Well the real truth is I don't want to know either.  
  
"Okay mister, out of the room. Out, out, out."  
  
"Hold on. Jen?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"That thing we talked about earlier, it's not a problem anymore."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Positive, its been taken care of."  
  
Jen releases a big sigh of relief. "That's good to know."  
  
"What are you guys talking about?"  
  
I don't even look at her, I'm afraid she might see through me. "Sorry, that's classified Mattie. We can't tell you."  
  
"Come on, I promise I won't say a word."  
  
"You don't have the need to know." This is the first time I've had to do this to her and by the looks of it Mattie doesn't like it. I guess I could have told Jen tomorrow morning, I doubt that's why she was crying, but why make her fearful for even a second longer than absolutely necessary?  
  
1241 ZULU APPROACHING JAG HEADQUARTERS FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
I'm convinced Jen must have driven the get away vehicles for some of her more unscrupulous friends. My concern for the reason she was crying last night ended as soon as she stared the car and started driving. She's been weaving in and out of traffic like a crazy woman, laughing the entire time. "God I love this car!"  
  
"I'd like to love my car in one piece if you don't mind."  
  
Jen only looks at me with a big smile on her face when I'd give anything for her to just watch the road. "What are you scared?"  
  
That's a hell of a thing to ask me. I'm a fighter pilot who's punched out three times and preformed a CFIT on top of it. "Only of my increased insurance rates if we get in a car accident."  
  
We shoot through several more intersections, most of them on yellow lights and maybe even one partly on a red, we're going too fast to be sure when exactly the light changed. When we reach the guard shack, she brings my baby to a sudden stop. "Hi Jack."  
  
'Jack' peers inside the car looking over at me in the passenger seat as we flash our ID's. I imagine the guards are going to be more alert after what happened to me in the parking lot. At least I hope they are. "Jen, Commander. How'd you manage to get behind the wheel of this fine piece of machinery?"  
  
"Don't ask Corporal"  
  
Jack locks it up at attention and gives us a salute. "Yes sir, you're free to go ahead." Jen proceeds to stomp on the gas and squeal the tires before zipping into the parking lot. The way the seat belt dug into chest when we stopped is closest a car ride has ever come to reminding me of a trap in a Tomcat.  
  
"I love this car."  
  
"Keys, you can love it with your eyes from now on." Jen hands over the keys and walks with me through the front door. "Jack?"  
  
Jen smiles, but doesn't look at me as we step into an elevator. "He bought me a drink last week."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"That'll all I'm going to say on the matter so you can stop fishing Commander."  
  
"Very well, I'll just have to ask Mattie I guess."  
  
"See if I care."  
  
As the doors open we walk in different directions, but it isn't long before Bud comes knocking on my open door. I was hoping to get some coffee in me before I started working with Bud on the Maravalis case. "Ready to get cracking Lieutenant?"  
  
"Yes sir, but the Admiral wants to see you, me and Commander Turner in his office right away."  
  
"Okay, afterwards lets get some coffee. You've got all of our files in your office correct?"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Good then we'll do this in your office." Leading the way to the Admiral's office I see Sturgis inside as I knock on the Admiral's door."  
  
"Enter."  
  
"You wanted to see us sir?"  
  
"Yes, first off its good to have you back Commander."  
  
"Thank you sir, its good to be back."  
  
"I saw or rather heard your car pull in this morning. I thought I ordered you not to drive here."  
  
"Yes sir, but that wasn't me, Petty Officer Coates and I came into work together."  
  
His eyebrows rise up. "How are you feeling?" I guess that's a reasonable question, after letting Jen drive I'm questioning my sanity too.  
  
"Good sir, give me another day and I'll be turning hand springs."  
  
He looks slightly amused at the idea. "Try to refrain. Now then, last night Colonel MacKenzie was involved in a hostage situation with a terrorist named Sadik Fadh, a terrorist I believe you know well Commander."  
  
"Yes sir, she talked to me just before it happened."  
  
"Then you know she killed him last night and prevented a terrorist bombing."  
  
"I do."  
  
"I talked to her this morning and ordered her to stay out of the office until at least next week Thursday morning. Now, that said I've also pushed the Maravalis matter back to a week from next Wednesday at 1400. Commander you have until then to make a decision, I know I promised you next week off, but with Colonel gone, I can't spare you for that long. I'm giving you today off instead, be back here on Tuesday."  
  
I wonder were he's going. Where ever it is, based on how disappointed he looks he must have been looking forward to it for a while now. "Sir my initial assessment of the case leads me to believe the death penalty isn't warranted in this situation."  
  
"Save your opinions until you talk to Colonel MacKenzie Commander."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Good, dismissed."  
  
"You really think that?"  
  
Sturgis spins to face me as we pass just outside of Jen's desk. "Is that really so hard to believe?"  
  
"No, its just unexpected. I thought the convening authority was pushing for the death penalty."  
  
"Unless Mac knows something I don't, I see no reason to take it that far. I'm going to see to it that he's gets 10 years though Harm."  
  
"Sturgis he made the plea bargain based on the facts he knew at the time. How was he to know Van Dyne would get into his safe deposit box?"  
  
"If he'd said something about Van Dyne earlier I'd have taken that into consideration. As it is he's going to get ten, be glad for his sake its not life or the needle."  
  
"So much for an easy return to work."  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"Well I'm not playing ball tonight if that's what you're asking."  
  
"Looks like they're going to have to make due without either one of us."  
  
"Well it's a good thing they're playing the God Squad."  
  
Sturgis laughs. "Hey ease up on the God Squad, my dad roots for them."  
  
"Where are you going anyway?"  
  
"New Orleans, I'm meeting Varese there."  
  
"Oh, well, have a good time. We'll just be up here working while you're having fun."  
  
Sturgis laughs again. "Playing your pity card Harm, that's unlike you."  
  
"Well I'm not exactly fully functional yet so I have to do what I can."  
  
Sturgis slaps me on the back, still chuckling. "I'll see you later buddy."  
  
"Later". Sturgis dips inside his office, picking up his briefcase and cover before heading for the elevator. "Well Bud I think we should go over it anyway, just in case he changes his mind."  
  
"You think he will sir?"  
  
I'm not sure, Bud closes the door behind us as we enter his office and sit down. "Well depending upon what Mac knows he might. Do you have the tape of your conversation with Lieutenant Maravalis and Mac?"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"You got a tape player in here?"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Good, I'd like to hear it."  
  
"Sir, Colonel MacKenzie has dossier on Lieutenant Maravalis that Agent Van Dyne gave her. Maybe we should get a look inside to see what he was telling the CIA. If the CIA thought he was tracking the source of diamonds and Maravalis thought he was on a mission and undercover. Van Dyne playing both sides could help us gain some leniency with Judge Helfman."  
  
"That's good thinking Bud, but we'll need Mac's permission to access that file."  
  
"I can handle that sir, I know you have a follow up hearing test at Bethesda this afternoon."  
  
Isn't anything in my life private anymore? "How did you know that?"  
  
"Um, Mattie called in to remind you just before I came to get you."  
  
"I don't suppose you're doing anything later on this afternoon?"  
  
"You want a lift sir?"  
  
"Jen makes me afraid for my baby. If you want, you can work on something else now and we can work on the Maravalis case to and from Bethesda. I'll buy you lunch."  
  
Bud smiles at the prospect of free lunch. "Then I'd say you got yourself a lift Commander."  
  
"Good, I'm going to get some coffee, I'll see you later."  
  
I take my time coming to attention as the Admiral comes into my office. I don't think I'll get dizzy if I stand up too quickly anymore, but I don't want to chance it in front of the Admiral. "Sir."  
  
"At ease Commander."  
  
"Was there something you needed sir?" God I hope not, I was just tidying up my office before I called it a day. Bud and I ran through our defense strategy, bouncing ideas off one another to and from Bethesda. My hearing's up to 98% based on my scores from my last flight physical. One more day and I'll be good as new.  
  
The Admiral drapes his coat over the chair in front of him and sits down, setting his briefcase and cover in the chair next to him. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Good sir, my hearing's back to normal."  
  
"Glad to hear it. Look I'm here to talk about work."  
  
This doesn't sound good at all. "I trust there hasn't been any complaints regarding my performance as of late sir."  
  
"No, you're doing a fine job. Look I know that we've been pushing it hard lately."  
  
I manage to laugh at that. Controlling the behavior of others is like trying to control the weather. "You can't control how many people do something stupid and find themselves in trouble sir."  
  
"I know that, but we've been running high number of cases through this office for some time now. I know Colonel MacKenzie, Commander Turner and yourself are very competent lawyers, but everybody needs some down time."  
  
"Like Sturgis' trip to New Orleans? Did you suggest that sir?"  
  
"No, he requested it, but I was all in favor of him going. I wanted to give him the whole week, but with Colonel MacKenzie's situation I felt she needed it more than he did."  
  
"Understandable sir."  
  
"Eventually I'd like you to take some time off, go flying, spend some time with Mattie, whatever. If possible, I'd like to start rotating the leave between the three of you. I don't want any one getting burned out on me."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"I'm on my way out, are you just about finished here?"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Then walk with me." The Admiral waits for me at the doorway as I toss a few files in my briefcase, a few more in my file cabinets and grab my cover. "Talk to me about the Maravalis case. Where does the defense stand in terms of the death penalty?"  
  
"Sir Commander Turner told us he didn't think it would be justified in this case."  
  
"He'll change his mind once he talks to the Colonel." That throws me off as the Admiral punches the button for the elevator. Does he know something I don't?  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Wait for the elevator Commander." Once we're inside and the doors shut the Admiral hits the halt button. "There was a lot of interesting talk at the highest levels when I was at the Pentagon today. The diamonds Lieutenant Maravalis stole and sold to Agent Van Dyne were handed over to Sadik Fahd."  
  
That's old news. "I'm failing to see the connection sir, Lieutenant Roberts and I are already working under that assumption."  
  
"Well let me enlighten you Commander. Sadik Fahd used the diamonds to buy a PAL supposedly from our own arsenal." My blood runs cold when that sinks in. For all the experience I have with nuclear weapons, it still floors me to hear that.  
  
"You're kidding? How the hell did that happen? Do we know where it was stolen from?"  
  
"No to all three, the Secretary of Defense has ordered an immediate lock down on any nuclear arms transportation and all nuclear facilities and weapons depots have gone to threatcon delta. All of the branches are to inventory all of their nuclear triggers immediately to look for discrepancies. The only reason I was included in these conversations is because of Mac's involvement and because we're prosecuting Lieutenant Maravalis."  
  
"Where's the nuke coming from?"  
  
"We don't know or least aren't being told by those who do."  
  
"And with that knowledge there's no way the convening authority is going to accept anything less than the death penalty." I sigh at the possibilities for disaster in this case as the Admiral pushes the button to restart the elevator.  
  
"Correct Commander." What a day.  
  
Everyone in our path offers salutes as we walk out to our cars. Turns out the Admiral's parked next to mine and Jen's there waiting for me, smiling hard as she leans up against the back of my baby. As we get closer, Jen holds out her hand, she wants the keys and the Admiral seems to be holding back a laugh. "I'm driving Petty Officer."  
  
"Commander."  
  
I know I'm not going to like what comes out of his mouth. "Sir?"  
  
"When I said no driving, I meant all day. You will hand over those keys."  
  
Jen gives him her biggest smile possible. "Thank you sir. Commander?" Grumbling I hand her the keys as she dashes over to the driver's side door and unlocks it. Looking into the Admiral's SUV I can see him laughing at me. "Come on sir, let's go." God help me. Getting in, I barely have my seat belt on before Jen peels out of the parking lot. This is not how I want to die.  
  
1310 ZULU FOUR DAYS LATER JAG HEADQUARTERS FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
This is so much better than last Friday. Pulling into an empty spot, I kill the engine and lock the door. Jen tried just every conceivable means to get herself behind the wheel over the past weekend. Walking past the break room, I see Jen coming out with a cup of coffee and a smile on her face. "Good morning Commander."  
  
I slow down to allow her to catch up with me. "Morning Jen."  
  
"How was your drive to work this morning?"  
  
"Relaxing thank you."  
  
"The Admiral wants to see you in his office as soon as you drop off your stuff in your office."  
  
"Thanks." Veering away I make for my office and toss everything inside before showing outside the Admiral's office door knocking.  
  
"Enter." Walking in my eyes widen when I see Mac standing there in front of his desk. I thought she was going to be gone until Thursday. Sturgis is going to be pissed his leave was cut short.  
  
"You wanted to see me sir?"  
  
"At ease Commander. Corporal Hal Strange, United States Marine Corp, served in Panama during Operation Just Cause and went out on disability retirement a year later after separating his shoulder."  
  
"Just Cause that was the mission to capture Noriega wasn't it?" I feel swell of disgust build up when the Admiral hands over the files and I skim through it. I hate guys like this, for some reason they can't be proud of their service to their country and have to go around adding lies to it to pad their so called careers. As an official Silver Star recipient, this pisses me off. That feeling doesn't last long though; Mac's attitude is baffling me. I try to keep my eyes on the Admiral, but I can't help one curious glance at her. What in the hell is she doing? I'm sure Jen's glad to know Mac's surpassed her on the Admiral's irritation meter. I pick up their conversation just in time to catch my involvement in this case.  
  
"No, that will not be all. Commander, you'll prosecute."  
  
"Aye, sir."  
  
"Now you're dismissed."  
  
"Aye, aye sir." Mac turns and zips right out of the Admiral's office as we watch her leave. The Admiral heaves a big sigh as he leans back in his chair.  
  
"Sir I thought she wasn't coming in until Thursday."  
  
"I know, the Colonel called me twice yesterday asking to come in early. She assured me that she was fine and that she wanted to get back into the game."  
  
"Do you think she's ready sir? She seems a little...off."  
  
"I just hope she doesn't make me regret the decision, if her work on this cases suffers there's going to be hell to pay."  
  
"Mac's effort on the case isn't going to matter because I'm going to bury Corporal Strange."  
  
That produces a slight grin on the Admiral's face. Given his recent turn of events with Meredith, I'm glad for that much. Even though I'd never tell him, I'm pretty sure I'd react the same way he did. He was betrayed on the deepest level possible. He hasn't told us that Meredith cheated on him, but that has to be it. Nothing else I can think of would stop their relationship dead in its tracks like that. "I thought you'd be mad at him. Truth be told, he insults me too. Little bastard has nothing better to do than give himself metals and pass himself off as a hero?"  
  
I can't help but laugh. "This guy can't even lie well enough to fool a reasonable adult. Apparently he's no better at lying than he is at being a Marine." That does get a laugh out of the Admiral. Civic groups are generally composed of the elderly, and schools, well the kids just like the violence. "How was he discovered anyway? Was someone who knew him in the crowd he was speaking to?"  
  
"It there in the file, I believe a heads up principle or perhaps a nosy principle informed the Marine Corps."  
  
"So he looked on the back on metal and saw it that wasn't his?"  
  
"I believe so. You're dismissed Commander."  
  
"Aye, aye sir." Walking out of the Admiral's office, Jen gives me a smile as I pass her. Yeah, she heard him too. In the bullpen, Mac's busy making duplicates of her files. "Hey, what's going on?"  
  
Mac looks up, an irritated look on her face. "What makes you think anything's going on?"  
  
"Nothing, you okay?"  
  
"I'm fine, why do you ask?"  
  
"You just seemed a little different in there is all."  
  
"Oh, is that what you and Chegwidden were talking about in there?"  
  
"No we were discussing the case, you would have been free to join in." Mac places the next sheet in the copier and pushes the start button. "You know none of this is necessary. Plead guilty; I'll drop the fines and confinement. Corporal Strange makes restitution to the school, leaves with a dishonorable discharge and loses all of his benefits."  
  
"What's with the generous offer, you don't think you can win this one?" Why's she so defensive?  
  
"It's the best you're going to get Mac, otherwise I'm going to take it all the way, and I'm going to win."  
  
"He's not going to go for it Harm." How does she know that, she hasn't even met the man yet?  
  
"Then I'm going to bury him."  
  
"Go for it." That should have rattled her at least a little bit, but she doesn't even appear to care one-way or the other.  
  
2410 ZULU COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT NORTH OF UNION STATION  
  
As the door slams behind Mattie on her way out I walk over to the counter top, grip it in my hands, and close my eyes to keep the world from spinning so damn fast. What a day, maybe when I open my eyes this will all have been just a bad dream, damn. After Mac went absolutely berserk on my witness and was thoroughly dressed down by Colonel Blakey and I'm assuming Admiral Chegwidden judging by his tone of voice when he called her into his office. Now I've got Mattie and her dad and the whole circus act that comes with it to deal with. I honestly can't believe she said that to me, I've always been happier that she's in my life. Am I really being that big fool to believe that she felt the same way? Her issues with trust obviously still need to be worked on. I thought I'd proven to her that I want her in my life. We were just talking about five days ago, what happened between then and now? Whether Mattie knows it or not, I'm right about this. I know Mac was glad that she'd gone to her dying father's bedside. If Mattie waits that long she'll always regret it. I grab nearly all of the remaining slices of pizza and toss them on two plates before I grab my coat. I pause before grabbing the keys to the Lexus. I've already got his daughter; I don't need to show him up even more by taking him back in the Corvette. By the time I get out there, Tom's putting out his cigarette.  
  
"I don't know about you, but I'm starving. I thought you'd like some too."  
  
Tom accepts the plate as we walk to the elevator. "Thank you Commander."  
  
"Call me Harm, Tom."  
  
"Thank you for letting me visit Mattie, Harm."  
  
"I'm sorry she wasn't more receptive to you. I told her how inappropriate I thought her actions were."  
  
"Is that why she came storming out and headed down the hall like a raging hurricane?"  
  
"She thinks I'm taking your side in all of this."  
  
"Does she live down there?"  
  
I wish she didn't. "She's living there with a co-worker of mine until I can get a house. I pay her half of the rent." Tom doesn't say another word until we're in the Lexus and he looks up at my building.  
  
"She really hates me doesn't she?" Good Lord I am not a psychologist, how did I get into this mess?  
  
I pause only long enough to start the engine and pull out of my parking space. "She still misses her mother. I think she's still too close to her death, it hasn't even been a year, and not enough time has passed so it's still too fresh in her mind. She hasn't had enough time between then and now to allow herself to really begin to heal."  
  
"I don't think eternity will be enough time for her to forgive me."  
  
"In time she will, and when she does she'll wish she had done it a lot earlier."  
  
Tom stops in between bites of his slice of pizza, a hopeful look on his face. "You sound like you're talking from experience."  
  
"Well not myself per se, but a colleague of mine was in a similar situation as Mattie. Her father was an abusive alcoholic who roughed up her mother quite a bit, from what I understand. Her mother ran off and abandoned her on her sixteenth birthday, leaving her with her father. She eventually became an alcoholic as well."  
  
Tom waves his hand at me. "Wait a minute are you talking about that female Marine who talked to me about Mattie on Christmas Eve?"  
  
"Yeah, anyway her uncle helped straighten her out and get into the Marines. Then about five years ago her got a notice that her father was dying of cancer. She didn't want to go, but I talked her into it. By the time she got there, he was already in a coma. She forgave him by his bedside, but he never woke up. Unless you believe people in comas can hear things, he died thinking she still hated him. When she came back, she told me how much she appreciated the push I gave her to see him. I don't want Mattie to end up like that, forgiving you when it's too late. She should have a relationship with you, you're her dad."  
  
"You know you're unusually understanding about all this, I would have expected you to hate me nearly as much as she does."  
  
"Well I really never knew my own father, he was shot down over Vietnam when I was five. I've thought about him every day of my life and what I wouldn't give to have just one more day with him. If Mattie were to never see you again, she'd wish for the same thing and I don't want to see that happen either."  
  
Tom finishes his last piece of pizza before cracking open the window and lighting his cigarette. "You don't mind do you?"  
  
"No, go ahead."  
  
"So how is she in school?"  
  
"Pretty good, she's smart, does her homework."  
  
"Does she play volleyball a lot?"  
  
"Um they haven't played a game yet."  
  
"Would she mind if I went to a few? I wouldn't have to talk to her, I'd just like to see her play." This has to be so hard for him, I couldn't imagine what it would be like, seeing another man with my child. A child who loved him more than she did me. Well right now, it's a toss up anyway.  
  
"I'll ask." I'd like to tell him the real reason she's mad at me too, because she thinks if she gets along with her father that I'll send her back there to live with him. I'd like to tell him that, but what could I expect to gain out of that? He wants his daughter back, I won't fuel that fire.  
  
1803 ZULU JAG HEADQUARTERS FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"Hmmm toys. What happens when you get bored with suburbia Harm? Are you going to just lose interest in Mattie like you did your brother? He preferred life in Russia, to being here and being ignored by you. You fight to draw people into your circle just so you can push them away again."  
  
"You know this isn't about me losing interest in Mattie, you think I'm losing interest in you." I'm about ten feet away when I stop and turn around. I don't what the hell I said that for, but the hurt has been replaced with anger and I'm ready to give her a bigger piece of my mind when Sturgis comes out of his office and blocks my path at the retreating Marine. "Excuse me." Sturgis moves again to block me as I try to get around him. "Will you please move?"  
  
"No, come with me."  
  
I try again, but he's still in front of me. "Sturgis now's not the time."  
  
"No, now's not the time for what you're about to do. Let's go."  
  
"Go where and what is it you think I'm going to do?"  
  
"You're going to continue a fight you don't need. Let her run around pissed off at the world, you've got better things to do than be reprimanded by the Admiral for acting like a child."  
  
Oh that's just great, he's taking her side. "I'm a child! She just said..."  
  
"I know what she said and if she'd said it to me I'd be mad as hell too, but you're going to let it go because like you said; you're the one with adult responsibilities now. Be the grown up, and let the little girl have her temper tantrum." I'm tired of little girls and their tempers. First, it was Mattie, now I've got Mac to contend with too. "When do you have to be back in court?"  
  
"1500, why?"  
  
"I buying you lunch, lets go." Part of me, hell most of me still wants to go after her and fight. "Now Commander." I guess he sees it too. Sturgis takes the file from my hands and tosses it in his office before shoving me towards the elevator.  
  
I don't say anything to him until we're reading the menus at the cafeteria. "Ugh, lets go upstairs, grab our covers, and go someplace decent." Sturgis look unsure, but it only takes me a few minutes to convince him otherwise. Thirty minutes later, our waiter has taken our orders in a restaurant across town. "Sergei's not even my fault, we couldn't prove his paternity. INS was going to ship him out long before he could have become a citizen, and I didn't get bored with my own brother, I can't choose where and when duty decides to send me. When it wasn't a carrier or some other ship, it was Saudi Arabia and then the tribunal, then Afghanistan, then Bud. When exactly was I going to find all this free time to spend with him?" I've been going on like this entire time since we left JAG. I'm sure Sturgis is reconsidering his offer or wishes he had.  
  
Sturgis hold up his hands in surrender. "You don't have to justify your actions to me."  
  
"Well you're not letting me do it to Mac, so deal with it."  
  
"Alright then, go ahead and blow off your steam."  
  
What does he think I've been doing this whole time? Actually, I'm not going to be able to keep this up much longer. I'm sure he won't mind. "Where the hell does she get off insulting me like that? Just because her life's going to hell doesn't give her the right to rip into everyone else."  
  
"Don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you admitted to being wrong?"  
  
"I always say I'm sorry when I say something mean or hurtful."  
  
Sturgis shakes his head at me; I don't know why, I answered his question. "No I mean when was the last time you admitted you were wrong."  
  
Processing, processing, okay I got one. "When we court marshaled Stuart Dunston. I admitted I was wrong about my opinions of the media."  
  
"That's all you can come up with?" Well what the hell does he want?  
  
"I don't go around spouting off at the mouth and I don't lie to get myself ahead in life so I don't know what it is you expect from me." This is all wrong; I shouldn't be taking it all out on him like this. Start over Rabb, and talk to your friend. "I'm sorry Sturgis, its just that with all the challenges I've faced regarding Mattie I could have given up on her literally dozens of times and I'm still here, taking care of her, trying to provide her with the future she deserves. I am not going to get bored with her and give up on her. Further more, why would Mac vouch for me in court if she thought that I was going to turn around and abandon her?"  
  
"Does Mattie feel this way?"  
  
"Yes." It's hard explaining to Sturgis the entire mess between Mattie, her dad, and myself, but I'm thankful that I did. By the end of my summary of the situation, he's got a good idea. Forget that, Alateen is great idea. Well, if Mattie decides to give it a try it will be.  
  
Sturgis leans back in his chair and sighs. "About Mac. Do you think she might be internalizing all this? Projecting the abandonment she felt from her mother in her youth to you here today?"  
  
"Do you mean am I losing interest in her?"  
  
"In a manner of speaking, yes. Are you?" I'm not sure anymore.  
  
"Let's just say I that I rarely like who I am when I'm around her. As a friend and colleague, I care, but that's as far as I want to take it. Taking the brunt of her abuse isn't something I'm willing to do anymore. All it does is piss me off and then my mouth starts running ahead of my brain. You know I hate to say this, but since Paraguay, my indifference towards her has grown. There was a time when I used to care about everything little thing that happened in her life. Now, when she's like this, I really couldn't give a damn." For his sake, I hope Webb knows what he's getting himself into because it can't be any better than what I've just gone through.  
  
"Harm?" We spent about an hour over lunch talking about Mac, Varese, and Catherine. It's nearly 1500 and after a quick stop to my office and Sturgis' to retrieve my file, I'm standing outside the courtroom with Sturgis.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"There's no point in starting a fight in there, you and Mac are too good of friends to let a fight like this snowball until its out of control."  
  
He's right of course, but I won't let her off the hook entirely. "I know, thanks for lunch and for stopping me back there too."  
  
"You would have done the same for me."  
  
"What do you say to a beer tomorrow night? I'm buying." Sturgis' sign of acceptance is his trademark grin as he jabs me in the shoulder and walks away.  
  
Okay, so maybe he did what he'd always claimed he did. Colonel Blakey still delivered the guilty verdict I wanted. Corporal Strange is getting roughly, what I offered Mac before this whole circus swung into town. Things are better between Mattie and me now. At least she realized how poorly she was behaving, as for Mac... I don't know, she kinda explained her behavior, but I didn't hear an apology in any of it. I still haven't heard 'I'm sorry', but I don't really expect one either. I've never gotten one before so I don't know why this should be any different. I don't really care anymore and I don't know why it weighs on my mind as little as it even does. I'm going to have a quick drink with Sturgis after work today and I'm hoping Matte will give me the answer I'm looking for in regards to the Alateen meetings. I left Mac with Corporal Strange in the courtroom as I gathered my things and headed out of there. Walking into the bullpen it isn't hard to see the good in my life and people in it. Bud's just walked back into the bullpen, talking to Sturgis. I'm glad to see them on friendly terms again. Then there's Harriet and Jen, and even though we're still feeling each other out again the Admiral and I are on much better terms now. Mac's still on the list of the good things in my life even if she's become someone I don't recognize right now too. However, it doesn't end here either; JAG is not all I've got anymore. When I go home, Mattie will be there, waiting for me to check her homework and listen to her day. The best part is she'll want to know about my day. How I feel about certain things. I may not be the best at explaining them to other people, but I love the fact that she asks and is genuinely interested in what I have to say. That's why I try to be as open as possible with her. I set my briefcase down on an administrative Ensign's desk who is currently elsewhere as I stop, look around, and watch the people in my life going about their business. My life may be unconventional and difficult at times, but it's my life and I love it. You could never get me to part with any of it willingly. 


	11. There's An Example to be Set

Author's Note: This Chapter covers everything up through Fighting Words. Okay I know this chapter's late and shorter than my usual fare, but there's a few reasons for that. One, I refuse to mention anything about 'What If'. If you really think Harm's fantasy would involve a failing marriage to Mac go right ahead, but I'm not about to touch it with ten foot pole. Secondly, 'Harm Time' had so little to do with Harm I had very little to work with. In case you don't know, Prince Prospero and his abbey come straight from the brain of Edgar Allen Poe and his short story 'The Masque of the Red Death'. I don't own that character, but he's dead so I don't think Poe will mind if I borrow him for a little while. There, that should keep everyone from reading the ending and scratching their heads and wondering what the hell Harm's talking about. Feedback is always appreciated as is the occasional flames so send it all my way.  
  
2313 ZULU  
PETTY OFFICER COATES' APARTMENT NORTH OF UNION STATION  
  
"What are you doing here sir?"  
  
I frown as I hold up the take out bag I picked up on my way here. "Apologizing, and its Harm remember?"  
  
Jen smiles when she recognizes the bag in my hand. "The Black Kettle? I suppose I can forgive you just about anything for that." Today was the fourth time I've been to that little grease spot they call a restaurant since Mattie introduced me to it, but I only learned the actual name of the place today. The last few times I paid in cash, today it was a check. Jen lets me in and I set the bag down on their small kitchen table. For as many times as I've been in here it shouldn't surprise me that Mattie and Jen come over and eat with me as much as they do. This place is much smaller than mine is. Jen moves past me to pull some paper plates out of their cabinets along with some forks, cups, and a gallon of milk. "So Harm what are you apologizing for?"  
  
That's much better. "For ganging up on you in Mac's office today."  
  
"You don't have to apologize for that."  
  
"Well I didn't feel right about it and I pushed harder than anyone else there. Besides, I should have figured it out for myself after we talked about the fight they had."  
  
"Then why did you?"  
  
"Because when I saw Meredith walking towards the Admiral's office I figured they were back on again or something."  
  
"I let her into the Admiral's office."  
  
That stops me for a second as I pour the milk into two glasses. "Did he yell at you?"  
  
"No, he said I did the right thing."  
  
"Did he?"  
  
"That's what I asked and he said did."  
  
"Do you believe him?"  
  
"I guess I have to, we have to don't we? He yelled for me as soon as Meredith walked into his office, but other than that there were no raised voices."  
  
Jen loads up a plate of barbequed chicken tenders and hands them over to me. "Thank you. What about his attitude as of late? How's he been?"  
  
Jen gives me a strange look as she fixes up her own plate. "You've been in his office."  
  
"Yeah, but he's all business with me. You see him nearly every five minutes."  
  
"Good I think, he talks a lot about baseball."  
  
"You better get used to it. He gets that bug in the spring and it stays with him all the way through the World Series."  
  
"I heard he was drafted to be a pitcher."  
  
Harriet told me that once, but she couldn't remember for what team. "I don't know what team for, but he choose to head to the Academy and become a SEAL instead." Although it isn't in the same league, it kinda reminds me of Pat Tillman's recent sacrifice, service to his country before service to himself.  
  
"Why would he give that up anyway? He could have become the CNO if he'd stayed there."  
  
"I think it has to do with that purple heart of his. From what I've heard he took some shrapnel in the shoulder and while he could pass the Navy's physical he couldn't meet the physical demands of a Seal Command any more so he got out. I think he was a Lieutenant Commander at the time."  
  
"And went into the surface fleet."  
  
"Yeah, skippered a destroyer as a full Commander then left that to get his law degree."  
  
"Why would he do that?"  
  
"Jen there's no way he would have made Admiral as a boat driver. He would have topped out at Captain."  
  
"Its amazing he's gotten as far as he has."  
  
"No argument here."  
  
"Where's Mattie anyway? I was waiting to for her to come home before starting dinner."  
  
"Alateen meeting." I'm so glad she decided to give it a try. I don't know what goes on during those meetings, but it must be helpful, this is the third meeting she's gone to.  
  
"Oh that's right its Thursday isn't it."  
  
"It better be, otherwise I ran a lot harder today than I planned to."  
  
Jen and I are just about finished with our meal when Mattie comes in. "Hey there stranger."  
  
Mattie tosses her backpack on her bed as she walks over to us. "Hey yourself."  
  
"Did Amber give you a ride home?" The only reason I know her name is because she's on Mattie's volleyball team and attends Alateen meetings with her, or so she says.  
  
"No, she wasn't at the meeting. I took the metro."  
  
"Why didn't you call me, I would have picked you up."  
  
"Harm I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself."  
  
"Mattie this neighborhood is no place for young woman like yourself to be walking alone in."  
  
Mattie rolls her eyes at me. I hate it when she does that. "Harm its not even dark out yet."  
  
"Mattie..."  
  
Mattie ignores the tone of my voice as she interrupts me. "What's for dinner?"  
  
"Chicken."  
  
Mattie pulls up a chair and looks into the bag. "Oh, Black Kettle, your the best Harm!"  
  
"You're welcome." Getting up I put my paper plate in the trash and set my cup and fork in their sink before plopping down on their couch. It's small, but nice.  
  
"I meant to ask you. How's your case with that General guy going?"  
  
"As well as can be expected I guess."  
  
Mattie takes another drink of milk before responding back at me with a curious look on her face. "Is that good or bad?"  
  
"I'm not really sure Mattie, religious tolerance is a sensitive issue, especially in regards to our Middle Eastern foreign policy."  
  
"Is it really that big a deal? What ever happened to freedom of speech?"  
  
"Mattie the military isn't a democracy. We can't go around saying certain things."  
  
"He wasn't trash talking the president Harm."  
  
"True, but when he wears his uniform, whether he intends it or not he's a representative of the United States Marine Corps. He has a standard to uphold when he puts that uniform on." I don't think the General should have said those things in front of that news crew, but I refuse to believe that his statements have inflamed the situation in Iraq.  
  
I watch as Mattie finishes two more chicken strips and licks the barbeque sauce off her fingers before she speaks up again. "So the Navy not only tells you two what to do, but what to think as well? Exactly why would I or anyone else want to join the Navy under those kinds of conditions?"  
  
"Mattie you know better than that. The Navy expects that its officers and enlisted personnel won't go around shooting their mouths off in public forums because like it or not we are public servants in one capacity or another."  
  
Mattie thinks about that before a smile works its way onto her face. "Speaking of public servants, can I ask a favor of you?" Uh-oh, judging by the look on her face I'm not going to like what I'm about to hear.  
  
"Depends, what's the favor?" Now I'm sure I'm not going to like this.  
  
"Our school is having a career day. One of my teachers asked that I invite you to come and speak in one of the classrooms." Great a bunch of obnoxious teenagers who aside from a few exceptions aren't going to take anything I have to say seriously.  
  
"Who's idea was this, yours or your teacher's?"  
  
Mattie waves me off as she downs another chicken strip. "My teacher's."  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"Ms. Cardigan, she thought..." Oh shit, I've met her before at Mattie's Parent-Teacher conferences. Ms. Mandy Cardigan, the woman spent the bulk of that time trying to flirt with me instead of telling me how Mattie was doing in Geometry. Its not that I wasn't flattered by it, she's young and attractive, but she's also the same type of woman I constantly ran into during flight school. They're all mesmerized by the dress whites and gold wings. They have no idea of what being a military wife is really like.  
  
As soon as I hear the name, I jump in and interrupt her. "She suggested this?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
Shit, this is as bad I feared it would be. "Mattie?"  
  
Mattie squirms in her seat before looking me in the eyes. Jen during this time has cleaned up her dishes and taken the seat next to me. She knows the whole story and it doesn't look like she's going anywhere because she smiles at me as she joins me on the couch. She's enjoying this way too much for her own good. What Mattie says next comes out in a rush I barely catch. "She said if you came there'd be some extra credit in it for me."  
  
I knew it; Mattie's working her teacher to get something out of this deal for herself as well. "Slow down and say that again."  
  
"Ms. Cardigan says she'll give me a few extra credit points if I can convince you to come and speak at school."  
  
"How many points?"  
  
"Twenty five." I'm about to respond when Mattie gives me her best pout and puppy dog eyes. "Please Harm? Twenty five points would give me a chance to get an 'A' in Geometry if I do well for the next few weeks."  
  
"And how many points would she give you if I took her out on a date?"  
  
The way Mattie's head jerked back has me barely containing my laughter. "Um..."  
  
"Or what if I married her? How many then?" Now Jen and I are laughing at Mattie stunned appearance. We all know how much Mattie likes her teacher. She'd have no problem setting me up on a date with her.  
  
Mattie ignores all that and again gives me her best pout. Good Lord is she good at that. "Please?"  
  
There's got to be a way to get out of this without telling her no outright. "What day?"  
  
"Next week Tuesday." Shit, unless General Watson's court martial lasts that long, Tuesday's wide open.  
  
"I'll talk to the Admiral okay? No promises though." He's my only hope without resorting to outright lying and I don't want to do that. One, Jen will know if I do and probably tell Mattie. Two, its just not right.  
  
Mattie bounds out of her chair and lands on myself and partially onto Jen, hugging us both. "Thanks."  
  
2136 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"Well, this is why we need men like General Watson."  
  
"Or not."  
  
"Mac you can't be serious."  
  
"I am serious Harm."  
  
"After all the good he's done for our country, for Iraq?"  
  
"You mean all the harm he's just caused." Mac's still facing me, but she points at the monitors. "Eighteen Marines killed in a suicide bombing by a previously unknown group.  
  
"And the Marines will bring them down. You have no way of proving this group's creation is a result of General Watson's statements or a splinter cell simply bidding their time until they saw an opportunity to strike a big target."  
  
"A group capable of this kind of strike going unnoticed for a year? Please."  
  
"You know you have a remarkable faith in our intelligence community considering your experience in Paraguay."  
  
Mac, who was looking back at the monitors, turns to face me again. "And you have surprisingly little for an ex-agent." I'd love to tell her how many times Beth and I had to literally improvise from the seat of our pants because of intelligence failures or other crap that went totally FUBAR, but couldn't even if I wanted to.  
  
"I have a lot faith in our intelligence community. I just have a better perspective than you do."  
  
"Maybe so, but not any more. You're an outsider now." That's what she thinks. My out briefing with the CIA spelled out under no certain terms that they had the right to recall me into service if they felt the need for it. I know that isn't likely to happen, but it could. I wouldn't mind another hop in the Aurora. Besides, I've got a lot of sources inside the agency I can call on if I need help.  
  
"Does Webb know you call the CIA the dark side?"  
  
"Webb knows that I love him."  
  
"But does he know what you think of his profession?"  
  
"Why must we constantly argue?"  
  
"You're the one who gets tired of it, you tell me." Personally, I like arguing with Mac or anyone else for that matter. I'm not too proud to admit that she forces me to be a better lawyer. You need people around you who challenge you to be better. It's the best way I know of to grow, both professionally and personally.  
  
"Because you can't let anything go without an argument. I was right in Yuma; you don't get tired of arguing with me, you like it, in fact you live for it."  
  
I can't help, but laugh. Its certainly one of the things I live for, but not the only one. "You know me too well Marine."  
  
Mac sighs and I think we're to that point in our conversation when things are really going to get personal. "Yeah, well, sometimes I feel like I don't know you at all."  
  
"Momma always told me there'd be days like this." Mac smiles when she recognizes the song lyric and shakes her head. "Made you laugh."  
  
She tries, but Mac's frown can't quite replace her smile. "No I didn't."  
  
"You were about to."  
  
"We're arguing again."  
  
"Well then how do we stop? We both know that neither one of us is going to back down."  
  
"Fine I was going to laugh, happy?"  
  
"Only if it was the truth."  
  
"It was."  
  
"Then I'm happy."  
  
"Are you?" And now we're back to getting personal again. I don't like these discussion, they have bad habit of ending horribly.  
  
"Of course I am, aren't you?" I am happy, her match making attempts aside I love Mattie, she's been a Godsend to me and I think I can reasonably say that after a few months back at JAG I'm no longer the sole focus of the Admiral's attention. Doesn't mean I haven't pissed him off occasionally since then though.  
  
"Happy as the next person I guess." I don't believe her, but I pretend that I do. Webb must still be canceling dates on her. Well, that's what she gets for loving an agent. When I see the Admiral with his briefcase in hand heading our way, I utter a soft curse. He's taking off early, which means that one of the senior staff will have to say behind later than usual. "Heading out sir?"  
  
"Its too nice outside to stay cooped up in here Colonel."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
That stops the Admiral as he was about to leave and he glances at his watch as he responds. "What is it Commander?"  
  
"Sir Mattie's asked that I speak at her school for their career day next Tuesday. I was wondering if I could go." Please say no, please say no, please say no.  
  
"How long does this thing run?"  
  
"Ten to fifteen hundred."  
  
"Fine, take the whole day, but you're going to secure the office tonight." Shit.  
  
Mac and I watch the Admiral breeze through the bullpen doors before she turns to face me again, a smile on her face now that she doesn't have to secure for the day. "Career day?"  
  
"Yeah, Mattie and her teacher want to me to speak in front of one of the classrooms. Apparently, the kids to get to sign up for which careers they want to hear about. I guess I'm the military option for the school this year."  
  
"Well just don't say anything controversial about your court cases or the situation in Iraq."  
  
"Please Mac, they're going to take one look at these wings and my combat decorations, and that's all we'll be talking about. I'm betting the fact that I'm a lawyer doesn't even get brought up."  
  
"Enjoy locking up Harm." Mac smiles as she side steps me and our topic on her way to her office.  
  
"Hey there you are." Ducking into one of the courtrooms I spot Sturgis sitting in the defendant's seat. I hadn't seen him since the trial wrapped up earlier today; I figured he's left early or something.  
  
"Hey Harm."  
  
"What's going on?"  
  
"Nothing, I just wanted to find a quiet place to hunker down in." Hmmm, maybe this isn't a good time.  
  
"Do you want me to go?"  
  
Sturgis waves me off. "No it's not a problem, sit down if you want to."  
  
I really hope he's not depressed or something because I won the Watson case. Religion is a touchy subject with Sturgis. I'm never really sure how he's going to respond to it. "You're not mad because I won today are you?"  
  
Sturgis just laughs. "No, it is got nothing to do with that."  
  
"Does it have anything to do with why you're sitting in the defendant's chair?"  
  
"What are you Freud now?"  
  
"Answer the good doctor's question please." I respond with my best Austrian accent.  
  
Sturgis shrugs his shoulders, looking straight at the bench. "Sort of."  
  
"Do you want to explain how?"  
  
"Bud got Lieutenant Yee to drop the discrimination charges."  
  
Oh shit, I hope this doesn't go where I think it might be heading. "I heard, congratulations."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
I drop down into the seat next to him. "You should know that I asked the Admiral for that case as soon as it came up."  
  
"And got bitched out by the Admiral for insisting on it. I heard, thank you for that."  
  
"I really wanted to be there for you."  
  
"I know, but it's not your fault and Bud did an admirable job of taking care of that mess."  
  
"So why are you sitting in the defendant's chair?"  
  
"I just wanted to see what it felt like to sit here, imagine what it would be like to see other people determining the future of my career. Whether I could salvage any part of it or if it'd just be left lying in ruins. I can just about see the jury and the judge sitting over there."  
  
"If you could have had a choice of judge who would it be?"  
  
"Sebring, he's a true professional and he knows what its like to sit in this chair."  
  
I slouch down in my chair as I kick my legs up onto the table. "Being a true professional, he wouldn't allow himself to be swayed by that fact."  
  
"I know, but I'd still want him. He tempers everything will a lot of common sense and I like that about him."  
  
"Well the Admiral wouldn't make one of us prosecute you so who would you want defending you?"  
  
Sturgis smiles and chuckles lightly. "You, but I'm sure you already knew that didn't you?" Of course I did, everybody around here knows that I'll go farther and take bigger personal risks for my client than anyone else in this building.  
  
"Second chair?"  
  
"Mac or Bud, doesn't matter so long as you're sitting to my right." I'm so glad I don't have to be. I guess when it comes down to it; the only real reason he's in here would have to be morbid curiosity. I'm way past thinking like that. Sitting in that seat three times will do that to you. I'd say the only time I wasn't worried about it was when I was sitting in that chair during my flight review board. Mace was dead; I didn't really give a damn about my career or anything else for that matter. The last two visits to that chair were progressively worse. I know I would have felt a lot better about my last trial if Mac or Sturgis had been defending me, someone I could trust not to give up on me and dig deep for the truth. "Do you really believe in him?"  
  
"Who Watson?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Yeah, I guess I do. I take it you don't."  
  
"If he wasn't wearing is Marine uniform I'd say yes, but he should know better than to go around opening his big mouth while he's uniform. Weren't you at least a little concerned that you'd lose?"  
  
Hell yes I was worried. I'm surprised that I look so calm on the outside that my close friends have to ask that sort of question. "Of course I was."  
  
"You hide it well."  
  
"Too many hands of poker with squadron buddies."  
  
"Must have been nice having that kind of free time on your hands. We were either pulling a watch, eating or sleeping ninety-five percent of the time."  
  
What a whiner. "That's what you get for choosing to live like a sardine in a tin can for six months a year."  
  
"Better than crawling into your tin can and strapping your ass on to a rocket."  
  
"My tin can does better than Mach 2.5 and angels 40. I have complete independence."  
  
"With a back-seater chewing your ear off the entire time. Mine can dive past seventeen hundred feet and launch more fire power than you could ever carry."  
  
Damn bubble heads; they always bring up their weapon capabilities. "An ASW aircraft can kill a sub, last time I checked a sub never shot down a plane or a helo."  
  
"Don't have to we'd just sink the carrier."  
  
"Without being pinged well in advance by other ships or subs at sea? Good luck."  
  
"Do you ever get tired of this argument?"  
  
"Well we've been having it for the last, what seventeen years. Generations of aviators and submariners both before and after us are still arguing it, so I'd have to say that we'll stop when you stop."  
  
Sturgis breaks out laughing. "We're not giving you the last word in that debate."  
  
"Then you have my answer."  
  
"Hey do you still have that friend of yours in the recruiting command?"  
  
"Sure I do, why?"  
  
"Mattie's asked me to speak at a career fair or career day at her school and I could use a little help getting some things in order."  
  
Sturgis laughs at me. "The Navy's recruiting poster boy needs help recruiting himself."  
  
I give him a quick jab to his shoulder for that one. "Shut up." I'm so glad the Navy quit running that commercial in short order. Mom taped it of course; well actually, she didn't have to. Renee gave her a copy of it, she also including all the out takes we did at the end of it. Mom even swiped a bunch of the posters with me on it. I've begged her to destroy them, but she's stubborn that way.  
  
"I'll give him a call, I'm sure he can help you out."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
As we walk into the bullpen, I can see that it's nearly deserted. Its still ten minutes before seventeen hundred, but on a Friday this nice outside I didn't want to keep everyone here a second longer than necessary. This office empties quick on a day like this and I let everyone who could, go a half an hour early. "You want to get a beer?" Normally I would, but I've got other things to do.  
  
"Can I get a rain check on that? Mattie's got a game tonight and I want to be there as soon as possible." As it is I'm going to barely have enough time to eat, change into some jeans, and shower if I'm going to get there on time. I could go straight there from here, but I have no intention of wearing my uniform into the school or starving in the stands.  
  
"How is she doing?"  
  
I wish I really knew what goes on in that head of hers. "Good, she's made new friends and fitting in well. She's good at volleyball so she's able to keep herself busy with extracurricular stuff and her grades are everything I expected them to be." I rattle off another dozen things regarding Mattie before I realize that I sound just like mom used to when she'd talk about me in front of other adults.  
  
Sturgis just laughs as I realize I've rambling on and on. "Why don't you tell me what parent hood's really like."  
  
"I love it. Yeah sometimes Mattie's a real enigma to figure out or she's in foul mood, but watching her grow and change... its unbelievable. I'm so proud of her." I can't seem to stop myself today. Maybe its because he's not a parent himself and doesn't understand what its like. As for me, I don't think I can go back to living any other way.  
  
"You've turned into a sap."  
  
"Kids will do that to you."  
  
"What about her dad?"  
  
"I am her dad."  
  
The mood's changed and we both know it. "I mean her biological father, what about him?"  
  
"He's progressing with his treatment." There's no way I'm volunteering information here.  
  
"And?"  
  
"And what?"  
  
"Has he asked to see Mattie?"  
  
"Yes, but I've been telling him that Mattie still isn't ready to see him. They met once already and it wasn't pretty." Maybe she is or she isn't ready for it again. I don't care. I changed my mind about wanting the two of them together. Maybe after the next custody hearing when I get full custody I'll work something out.  
  
"Harm you know he deserves to see his daughter."  
  
I don't like the tone of his voice. Five more minutes and I'm out of here. "He does, I let him come to one of her volleyball games." Actually, he's been to several even though I only invited him to one of them.  
  
Sturgis follows me to my office as I begin packing up for the day. "I mean talk to her face to face Harm."  
  
"She's not ready for that."  
  
"She's not or you're not." Both, but that's already too obvious to him.  
  
"I'm the one who set up the first meeting."  
  
"True, but you don't seem to keen on the idea anymore."  
  
Enough is enough. "Sturgis, she's my little girl, if she says she isn't ready then I'm not going to force him upon her. I'm not going to intentionally upset her for no good reason."  
  
"No good reas..." Sturgis trails off there when I'm sure he sees the anger building in my eyes. "I'm sorry Harm, you have to do what you think is best for Mattie."  
  
Finally, I throw the rest of my stuff in my briefcase and follow him back to his office once I've locked my own. "You said Varese was performing along the east coast right?"  
  
"Yeah so?"  
  
"Where is she now?"  
  
"She'll be in Maryland this Saturday, why?"  
  
"Well a friend of mine gave me four tickets to the Orioles/A's game this Sunday. I'm taking Mattie, if you and Varese would like to join us I'd hang on to the other two tickets for you." If he doesn't want them, I'm going to offer the tickets to Jen or send them back.  
  
Sturgis looks fairly surprised at my offer, but recovers quickly. "I'll call her tonight and let you know if we can make it. Thanks buddy."  
  
"Just don't forget about your recruiting friend alright."  
  
"Yeah I'll take care of it. I'll talk to you later tonight okay?"  
  
"Have a good one Sturgis."  
  
"You too."  
  
2337 ZULU  
PRAIRIE HILL HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"That a way Mattie!" Her entire team walks over to congratulate her as she finishes the second game with an ace along the back line. I have no idea how she does it but Mattie can put the ball anywhere she wants to while she's serving. It didn't take her coaches and the rest of the team long to figure out where Mattie's true talents where at. She definitely can't get up high enough to spike the ball, but she sure as hell can serve it. She usually averages about three or four aces a game and the team scores any where between a third to a half of their points while she's serving.  
  
"You must be Mattie's dad." God I love the sound of that. Looking behind me in the stands I see a woman in her forties smiling back at me.  
  
"Well technically I'm just her guardian, but yeah, I'm her dad or I'm gonna be."  
  
"You must be very proud of her. Mattie's been an incredible asset to the team."  
  
"I am."  
  
"I'm Dana Jenkins."  
  
I know that name. "You're Amber's mom right?"  
  
"Yes I am."  
  
"I can't tell you how helpful its been when Amber's given Mattie a ride home after practice." I'd mention the Alateen meetings, but for all I know she's the alcoholic parent of the two. It unlikely, but I don't want to look like an ass either so I'm not about to bring it up.  
  
"Well you're very welcome."  
  
Getting up from where I am, I move up the stands to sit next to her. "I've been meaning to ask. How is it that this school has volleyball in the spring like this? Last I checked it was a fall sport."  
  
The smile I get from Dana makes me think I'm about to be either hit on or let in on a big secret or something. "Well technically its volleyball, but the school and coaches call it recreational ball. The schools in the conference aren't supposed to be putting on organized volleyball games because it would be unfair to the other teams in the Virginia high school athletic system. They're just playing for 'fun'. That's why you didn't have to pay to get in. Basically, the coaches treat it as a big volleyball practice and team evaluation. Then in the summer there's volleyball camp before the official season in the fall."  
  
"I take it everyone around takes volleyball pretty seriously."  
  
"They won state two years ago and lost in the semi-final game last year. We only lost like one senior from last year squad and with Mattie and some of the better underclassmen coming up we should have a really good team this year." When the third game starts we watch in relative silence, cheering of course we score until the other team calls a time out when they fall behind 8-2. "So Amber tells me you're in the Navy?"  
  
"Yeah that's right."  
  
"What do you do?"  
  
"I'm a fighter pilot and a lawyer." Always a fighter pilot first.  
  
"Really? Why both?"  
  
I'm going to make this quick. "Long story, but ah, the condensed version is I was misdiagnosed with eye infection as a F-14 pilot so I had to leave flying and became a lawyer. Eventually I had my eye problem corrected and went back to flying, but it was too late in my career to go anywhere as a pilot so I went back to JAG."  
  
"JAG?"  
  
"Judge Advocate General. It's the legal branch of the Navy. The Marines, Air Force, and Army all have their own lawyers and judges as well."  
  
"So do you still fly?"  
  
"I keep my flight status current."  
  
"Have you flown in combat?"  
  
"I've flown in our campaigns in Libya, the first Gulf War, Kosovo, and Afghanistan." Of course, there's only about a million other places I could add to that list if she had the need to know.  
  
Dana's eyes widen as she considers that. "All that as a lawyer?"  
  
I laugh lightly at that. "No, I only flew over Afghanistan while I was a lawyer."  
  
"Still that's quite an accomplishment. You should be speaking at the kid's career fair next week."  
  
"Mattie's already got me signed up. So what is it you do?"  
  
"Well for a long time I just stayed at home and raised the kids, but I've recently gone back to school and became a nurse. I work at Kresge now."  
  
"Wow, good for you." While we watch the girls win the third game Dana goes on to tell me about her job as a nurse in the pediatric wing of Kresge. She has my attention for the most part until I see Mr. Johnson walk in the gym. I have no idea how he found out Mattie had a game tonight because he didn't hear it from me or Jen and certainly not Mattie.  
  
I manage to corner Mr. Johnson before he's able to leave the school. The girls are about to win the fourth game and they'll have to go a full rotation before Mattie is able to serve again. I know Mattie saw him and I also know she saw me leave to go track him down. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I came to watch Mattie play."  
  
"Are you sure that's such a good idea? Last time she got really upset."  
  
"Commander I want to see my little girl play. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but I don't exactly care either."  
  
"I couldn't give a damn if you're here or not. All I care about is Mattie's well being and she gets upset when you're around."  
  
"I'm not talking to her Commander I'm just watching her play and then leaving without a word." He's right; he isn't confronting her or anything like that. I'm sure if anything's going to upset Mattie now, it's the fact that I ran off to talk to him instead of watching her play. Damn it.  
  
I shake my head and close my eyes just for a moment. "You're right, I'm sorry." I don't give him a chance to reply, I turn and head back into the gym. He doesn't try to follow me and for that I'm grateful. I don't want to appear all buddy-buddy with him in front of Mattie. Looking up at the scoreboard it reads 15-6. Mattie and the others are shaking hands with the opposing team. As soon as Mattie's finished shaking hands I make my way out onto the court as many other parents have done. I give Mattie a smile and a hug as she walks over to me. "You looked great out there Mattie."  
  
"Thanks Harm." Oh no, I've seen that look she's giving me before. "What was he doing here?"  
  
Damn, I was hoping she wasn't going to bring him up. Better yet, I was hoping she didn't see him at all. "He wanted to watch you play. He must have gotten your schedule from one of the other parents."  
  
When Mattie's hands move to her hips, I know I'm in for a lecture. "I don't want him here Harm."  
  
"I didn't invite him."  
  
She doesn't believe me. She thinks I want her to be with her father. "You really thought I was good out there?" Oh thank you God for letting her drop it this one time.  
  
"Of course I did. Amber's mom thought so too."  
  
"Thanks for coming Harm."  
  
What the hell? She should expect me to be here. You thank aunts and uncles for coming, not parents. "Hey I wasn't going to miss this for the world. So, what do you want to do now? Get something eat, rent a movie..." Mattie doesn't seem too keen on either of those ideas. "What is it?"  
  
Mattie looks over at some of her teammates on the court. She wants to ask me for something. "Well..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"One of the girls is having a party for team and I've been invited to go."  
  
"Do you want to go?" Oh yeah, that's just about the stupidest thing I've ever asked. I've just questioned a teenager's desire to go to a party.  
  
"Please? I promise I'll do my homework tomorrow."  
  
I guess this is the life of a teenager's parent. "Where's this party going to be?"  
  
"At Leslie Brockman's house." Mattie scans the crowd and points her out. "Um, she's number 15, her dad's standing right next to her."  
  
"Is there going to be beer there?"  
  
"I don't think so. I'm not going to drink Harm." Maybe she won't now, but one day she's going to start. Kids of alcoholics don't abstain for life just because their parents don't. Generally, they're just a lot more cautious about drinking in the first place. I've had enough drinks with Terri Coulter to know that much. I trust Mattie to know her own mind, but I haven't seen her in response to peer pressure and I'd rather she not be tested in that capacity either.  
  
"Are her parents going to be there?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Well that makes this a lot easier. "You can go, but I want to talk to her parents okay?" Mattie doesn't reply she just grabs my hand and leads me over to them. "Is this an overnight party or what?"  
  
"No, um, Amber said she'd give me a ride home."  
  
I stop us before we reach Leslie's dad and Mattie looks back to see what's wrong. "If she can't, you will not take the Metro home alone again, is that understood? You will call me, regardless of the time and I will come and get you, yes?"  
  
Mattie looks like she's about to say something about that, but when I shake my head she clams up. "Okay."  
  
"Promise me Mattie, I couldn't bear it if something happened to you."  
  
"I promise."  
  
"Do I need to drop you off? How are you getting there?"  
  
"I'll ride with you."  
  
"Good, now lead the way."  
  
2054 ZULU  
PRAIRIE HILL HIGH SCHOOL  
  
MS. CARDIGAN'S CLASSROOM  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
You know actually this hasn't been all that bad. I had so little time to prepare for this thing I wasn't sure how well it was going to go. Mattie came home late Friday night, we just lounged around all Saturday, and Sunday we went the Orioles game with Sturgis and Varese. We had a great time and I got to know Varese a lot better. Monday was the only day I really dedicated to planning this event. I'm glad I don't have to talk that long. I had a bunch of slides made up from my photo collection to show the class. All I really do is narrate the show. Sturgis' recruiting friend had a lot of good advice for me yesterday as well. The last half of the class I just open it up the floor for questions and let them go at it. I've yet to have a group that hasn't asked questions all the way to the end of class. As I expected, the bulk of the students coming to me are guys, but there's a fair number of women coming in as well. Mattie isn't one of them, but that's okay I got to eat lunch with her which was nice for a change. Andre did show up during one of my earlier hours and despite my hopes to the contrary he still hasn't changed. He asked the lion's share of the questions before I started taking them from others instead. I made it a point for any student who wanted to learn more to talk to me during the last hour of school where apparently they shove everyone who spoke into the gym and let all the students loose on them in a big free for all.  
  
"Commander you're remarkable with those kids."  
  
Here we go again. "Its hard not to be in my profession. I've got an exciting job and a lot good stories to tell. Its not to get and keep their attention."  
  
"I'll say, makes me wish I'd joined the Navy." No she doesn't, she just likes my uniform. Chicks dig the uniform. Even summer whites, and they're probably the ugliest uniform the Navy forces us to wear.  
  
"Have you done much traveling?"  
  
"On a teacher's salary? Yeah right. I went to Europe with few of my girlfriends in college, Mexico for spring break, but that's it."  
  
"Well not all of the travel is that good in the Navy either. I've been to England and Australia, but I didn't care for either one of them." Well maybe I would have, but look at what was going on the entire time I was in either place. "All the rest of the places are on the slides. I'm either in some remote, inhospitable, lawless place or on ship somewhere. I'd say Italy and Spain where the best places I've ever been to and that was early in my Naval career. Its been at least 12 years since I've been in Spain and my last couple trips to Italy were anything, but pleasant."  
  
"They don't give you any free time?"  
  
"They do, but not a lot. My last trip to Italy I was too tired to do anything but eat and sleep." Trying to catch a serial killer will do that to you. As students start walking in and taking their seats Ms. Cardigan stops with the questions, or at least until my next break in between classes. She starts this class as she has all the others by introducing me to everyone present before handing the floor over to me. I doesn't take me long to introduce myself and jump right into the slides. There's a lot of carrier slides in there along with slides of me with Mac, Kate and Meg over the years. Then I've got a pile of slides showing friends of mine at their professions. Sturgis and Terri among others are included in my presentation. I don't mention all of the crazy shit I've done like HALO jumping with SEAL teams or busting prisoners out of Iraqi jails although that last one would probably get a lot of cheers now days. I've had an unbelievable career thus far, but I want to keep their expectations of what their own might be like realistic. No doubt about it though, the part I like the best is the last half of the class when I open it up to some 'Q' and 'A'. A lot of the questions are the same from one group to the next, but occasionally one surprises me.  
  
"So why did you become a lawyer?" True to form, this has been one of the first questions asked of me in every class. Usually by a guy too, none of them can think of a sane reason why I'd leave flying to become a JAG. If it hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't be able to either. I never mention my ramp strike, talking about death is one of the surest ways of turning kids off the idea of joining the military.  
  
"Long story short, just after the first Gulf War ended I was misdiagnosis with a condition that left me with night blindness. That kind of a problem makes it almost impossible to land on a carrier at night so I had to give up my active duty flight career. I decided to stay in the Navy and became a lawyer instead. Eventually I was re-diagnosed and had my vision corrected. I went back to flying and I did see action over Kosovo, but it was too late in my career to make a life out of it anymore so I went back to JAG."  
  
"Have you ever shot anyone down?" There's the next most popular question I get.  
  
"Yes I have. I was flying over Libya and I took on three MiGs by myself. I shot one down with a missile and I raked up another with the twenty mike- mike... that's the twenty-millimeter cannon on the Tomcat. I really don't know how that guy made it, he lost his port engine, and I thought he was going down so I went after the third plane that ended up running like hell. Turns out the second pilot managed to save his plane and limp back to his home base. That cost me my second kill. Other than that I've done numerous bombing runs over the years." I get a few more questions about the places that I've been, one guy after seeing the slides of my partners over the years even asked if all the women in the Navy I worked with where as good looking as Mac, Kate, and Meg. I told him Mac was a Marine, but that the Navy still had the prettiest girls in the military. Some of the questions had a lot to do with job opportunities, benefits, and things like that in the Navy. Money for college was another big issue we discussed at length.  
  
"Where do you believe you make the biggest difference, in the cockpit or in the court room?" There's a new one.  
  
"That's a very good question, a tough one, but a good question. It's different in each case. In cockpit, it's always easy to see the difference you make. I shoot down a MiG, it can't hurt anyone anymore. I bomb a target and I protect a platoon of Marines on the ground. It's easy to see those results. In courtroom, the difference can literally mean an individual man or woman's life. Whether or not I'm defending or prosecuting, I determine the course of a person's life, one person at a time. I'd say the difference I make in the courtroom is longer lasting and is more likely to be remembered as well. Years from now when I'm gone, few people outside of family are going to remember a then Lieutenant Rabb shooting down a MiG over Libya. However, a lot more people are going to remember my role in their lives as their lawyer. Even though it'll only be a tiny footnote in the history, I'll be forever remembered as the chief prosecutor of one of the top Al-Qaida terrorists who help plan the attacks on 9-11. Participating in that military tribunal will probably be the highlight of military and legal career or at least the thing I'm most remembered for.  
  
"But didn't you get a silver star for saving the Sea Hawk Carrier in the Persian Gulf?" Hmmm this one's up to date on his recent military events.  
  
"Yes, and I'm enormously proud of that fact, but years from now that tribunal will the thing I'm most remembered for. I doubt the Navy will be naming a boat after me for what I did on the Sea Hawk."  
  
"Aren't they called ships?"  
  
"Only the guys stuck on them permanently call them that. No self respecting Naval aviator ever calls a Naval vessel a ship."  
  
"How much longer to you plan on staying in the Navy?" There's another new one.  
  
"I'm not really sure. A lot of it has to do with whether or not I'm promoted to Captain. If I am, I'll stay in longer than twenty years. If not, I'll probably seriously consider retiring. Its all kind of up in air at this point."  
  
"Do you think you'll make Captain?"  
  
"I like to think I will, but I'll be up against a bunch of Commanders equally deserving of being promoted to Captain as well."  
  
"Will your flying help you gain the edge there?" I think more than likely it'll hurt my chances.  
  
"I think my combat experience certainly will help me. Whether or not it's enough to push me over the top remains to be seen." I answer a few more questions before I've got to wrap this up. "If any of you have any more questions please feel free to stop by during the last hour of the day and ask away." As the bell rings Ms. Cardigan has them giving me a short applause in thanks for my presentation.  
  
I've barely had time to sit down at my table in the gym when the last bell rings. I've got just about every piece of information the recruiting command felt I'd need for something like this. I'm not ever sure how many kids are going to show up for this. Mattie told me this hour was optional, the kids can either come here or report to their respective homerooms for the last hour of the day. Andre as I expected is one of the first people in the gym and once he spots me he head right over. I answer a few of his questions, but that kid's a lock for the Navy. I want to spend my time talking to those who aren't as knowledgeable about the Navy as he is. Thankfully it doesn't take Andre long to get the point and wander off. As Andre's figure is consumed by the crowd of students in the gym I notice a young woman beginning to walk to my table and I swear to God she has to be Kate Pike's little sister. Her facial structure, eyes, and hair are almost identical. There's a couple guys already at my table. I really doubt they're serious about the Navy. I think they just want to hear me tell them some more war stories. I'm more interested in her, but she seems hesitant to join us at the table with all the guys here.  
  
"Can I help you?" I think my smile might have done it because she blushes a little and takes a few steps closer.  
  
"I wanted to ask you a few questions about JAG."  
  
"Well come on over, sit down, and we'll talk about it." If those guys are indeed serious about joining the Navy, they had better wipe the looks of disgust off their faces in a hurry. Odds are they'll run into some woman higher up the chain of command than they are. Especially if they go enlisted. Of course, maybe they're more upset that I pulled out my spare chair for her and not them, but I doubt it. "What is it you wanted to know?"  
  
"Well my plans after high school were to go to college and then law school. I have a cousin who is in the Navy and I was just wondering the different routes I might take if I decided to go into the service as well."  
  
"Okay, first off what year are you?"  
  
"I'm a junior."  
  
"And how are your grades?"  
  
"I think my G.P.A. is hovering somewhere around 3.75."  
  
"Are you in any sports, clubs, things like that?  
  
"I'm in most of the academic clubs, I run cross country and track."  
  
"The reason I ask is because if you wanted to, you could apply the Naval Academy as I did. They're always looking smart, athletic students like yourself they can mold into leaders. The application process is a bear, but at first glance it appears that you'd have a shot at getting in."  
  
She doesn't look convinced. "Aren't the girls treated badly by the guys there? I mean over at the Air Force..."  
  
I'm not about to let her finish that thought. "That was the Air Force, not the Navy. Yes, things like that have happened at Annapolis in the past, but they've really cracked down on that kind of behavior. When you consider the bottom line, going to a state college doesn't mean that the same thing won't happen over there too. The Military Academies are simply more exposed and held more accountable for what their midshipman or cadets do, which is why the receive so much publicity when things like that happen. The good part is that you go for free and are paid while you're there."  
  
"That sounds nice, but I don't think that's the way I want to go."  
  
"That's fine. Your other options are to attend a school that has a NROTC program in place and earn your commission upon graduation. Later you'll attend law school while you're in the Naval Reserve or working part time. Lastly, you can go to college, go to law school, graduate and then apply for OCS to become an officer. When you graduate you'll instantly be promoted to Lieutenant j.g. instead of remaining an Ensign like the rest of your OCS classmates."  
  
"Why would I be promoted over them if we've been officers for the same amount of time?"  
  
"The Navy looks at like you spent three years going to school to become a lawyer, had you been an officer first those three years in the service would have made you a Lieutenant j.g. so, that's what they promote you ahead of everyone else. Doctors and dentists become full Lieutenants when they join up." The next few minutes we discuss where she'd go from there, namely Naval Justice School and then what the billets are like on overseas bases or aboard carriers. When I see Mattie walking towards us, I glance at my watch I realize I had better wrap this up. Opening my wallet, I hand her my card. "Look if you're really interested in knowing what life in the Navy is like as a JAG give me a call. We'll set up an appointment and I'll give you a tour through JAG headquarters right here in Falls Church if you like."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"If you're serious about this, yeah."  
  
"Would my parents be able to come?"  
  
Ah yes, I forgot about them. I doubt they'd let her do something like this on her own. "Sure, that's not a problem."  
  
Smiling, she stands up to shake my hand. "Thank you so much and thanks for coming in today Commander Rabb."  
  
"You're welcome, and when I can meet students like you Jessica its worth it." Mattie hangs back until she leaves and then flops down in the vacated chair. "Hey you, how was your day?"  
  
"I didn't get any home work it was great."  
  
"Practice today?"  
  
"Nope, but I have another favor to ask of you." Wonderful, I thought I done with favors like this for a while.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Would you mind talking to Amber?"  
  
"About the Navy?"  
  
Mattie waves me off. "No, no. Um, she just found out a few days ago that her cousin has HIV. Turns out he's had it for at least year now and the doctors are keeping him in the hospital until they can determine just how far advanced his case has become." Shit that had to be a hell of a bombshell to drop on her.  
  
"I'm so sorry Mattie."  
  
"She just told me today. She's really close to him Harm and she's taking it really hard. I told her that you'd recently visited the HIV/AIDS ward at Bethesda and she was hoping to ask you a few questions about what it was like. She just doesn't want to appear shocked and scared by everything when they go to visit him you know?"  
  
"Where is she now?"  
  
"In her home room class, but if she tells her home room teacher that she wants to talk to you about the Navy, he'll let her go and we can talk some where privately."  
  
I really don't know how much help I can be in this situation, but I'm willing to try. "Why don't you go get her, I'll start cleaning up here and we can talk outside, okay?"  
  
"That sounds good. I'll be back soon." I have really no idea what I'm going to tell this poor girl when Mattie brings her by. Senior Chief De Fina seemed very optimistic as did a number of the patients in that ward, and I know that they wouldn't have like it had they known, but I couldn't get over the sadness I felt knowing what they're ultimately destined for. There seemed to be someone in every stage of the illness there. When you put them all together and see the progression from relatively healthy people to those at death's door, you feel like you're walking through the seven chambers of Prince Prospero's abbey. Okay that's pretty morbid and she doesn't need to hear something like that. By the time Mattie comes back with Amber in tow I've got my table cleaned off and my gear squared away. I'm going to leave all the pamphlets and information I didn't hand out to the with the school guidance councilors.  
  
Amber marches right up to me and shakes my hand. "Mr. Rabb it was good of you to come."  
  
"Thank you. Why don't you two lead the way outside, its so much nicer outside than it is in here." Picking up my stuff, I follow the girls out of the gym. I've never done something this before, but I'm determined to help Amber as much as I would Jessica, or anyone else who asks for my help. In life, there's an example to be set in all things that we do. As a Naval officer, one of my goals has always been to set the best one possible and right now that means helping yet another young woman through a difficult time in her life. 


	12. How We Use Life Experiences or Don't

Author's note: My computer went crazy which is why this chapter's so incredibly late. This chapter covers 'Coming Home' and 'Trojan Horse'. Personally, I thought 'Coming Home' was a great episode, but in this chapter, I try to explain why they have Harm wearing his metals at a funeral (What were they thinking with that one?) and detail how I think Harm's plane ride with the reporter went. If you want me to explain Bitching Betty, Rommel Asparagus, or anything else I've thrown in here let me know. These things really do exist so ask me about them if you're interested. If not, write me any way and let me know what you think of the chapter.  
  
0042 ZULU  
  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION  
  
Mattie's still sitting on the couch as I put away a few more things from our meal in the frig. She sounds like a lawyer more and more every day. I have no idea how we progressed from her mother's death to Mac is such short order. Not only did we jump tracks before I knew what happened, but in the process I gave her reason to believe that I don't want her and that Mac's been voicing the very same thoughts rattling around in her own head. It's been a long while since I've even admitted to myself that I still love Mac. I'm not sure why I said we're working on it when we're not. Right now friendship is the best we've been able to handle at the moment, but I'm not sure why I didn't say that to Mattie. Hell, if I was truly honest with her I would have clarified the issue and told her that while I love Mac, I'm not in love with her. I'm sure she feels the same way about me. Personally, I don't care for Mattie and Jen spilling secrets to each other about me, especially when I've done my best to help the both of them whenever they need it. I'd order Jen to knock it off, but how much worse could it get? It doesn't look like Mattie's going anywhere and I've got about an hour and a half before I need to leave for Mrs. Smithfield's place so I leave the dishes where they are to retrieve an old book from my bedroom. I'm not sure where this is going to lead, but maybe it'll answer some questions for Mattie. I grab another one on my way back. "Hey there." Mattie curls her legs up underneath herself as I sit down next to her.  
  
"What's that?" I don't answer her question; I simply hand over one of the books. "The 1985 Naval Academy Yearbook?"  
  
"Um-hm, my senior year." Mattie smiles as she runs her hand over the cover, begging the question she doesn't need to ask. "Go ahead."  
  
Mattie laughs when she finally spots my picture in the senior class pages. "Oh my. Look at you. You look like a kid."  
  
"We were kids." I barely recognize that kid anymore, so much hasn't happened to him yet. Aside from the unanswered question of his father that kid has his entire future ahead of him. Now almost twenty years later this is what he's become. There have been a lot of good times, but there have been more than enough bad ones to over shadow those examples. Mattie easily picks out Sturgis in the next page as well. I point out a few classmates of mine and mention where their careers took them. Then we move on the action photos. There's one of me playing basketball on the varsity team, another one of Sturgis running track, but the senior pictures aren't the reason I brought this book out to show Mattie. "Why are you stopping there?"  
  
Mattie closes the book in her lap. "Why not? The rest is about all the other midshipmen."  
  
I want Mattie to find it on her own, so I open the book to another familiar page. Half way down on the left hand page is Kate Pike's picture. I don't point her out to Mattie; I'm going to keep that one just for me, for now anyway. God is she young in that picture. I never knew her in the Academy, she was just a plebe, and I was on my way out. "Always finish a book you pick up Mattie, never quit mid way through." Mattie flips back to the third year midshipman stopping in the middle of the 'M's', I mention other friends of mine as I watch her as she turns another page, then another. She's at the tail end of the R's and the beginning of the S's. One more page, I just hope she doesn't skim over the page and miss it.  
  
I'm staring at her pictures in my photo album when I hear Mattie gasp, she's found her. "Who is Diane Sch..."  
  
"Schonke."  
  
"Who is she and why does she look just like Mac?" Turn it around Mattie, why does Mac look like Diane? I probably would have ended up dating Mac within the first year of knowing her if she hadn't looked like Diane.  
  
"A friend from the Academy." I lower the photo album for Mattie to see all her pictures. There's a lot of them in here and most of them are of the two of us doing something together. Running and softball mostly, but there's other shots with friends, her parents, my parents, miscellaneous combos of friends and such. There's more than just these here in the album, hidden pictures I show no one else. I keep them under my bed, or locked away in my closet whenever I've been serious with a woman. The one I like best is the one Grandma took of us together just before she left to join the Sea Hawk cruise already in progress. After the mess with Gunnery Sergeant Crocket the Admiral gave me a week's leave, just before I left, I tracked down Diane and asked her to come with me. It was a lucky break that she happened to have the same week off. In the picture we're on the back porch swing facing west into the setting sun and I'm holding her like I've got my whole world in my arms. Check that, I did, at the time, I had my whole world in my arms, and for a moment, life seemed ridiculously easy. She mentioned how much she loved it up there and all I can remember is telling her that I loved her. I'll never forget that smile. That warm, beautiful smile... when she looked at me like that I forgot everything else in this world. My father, Mace, the fact that my career was 180 degrees from where I wanted it to be... none of it mattered anymore so long as I had her in my arms. After that I said goodbye to the womanizing of my past, said goodbye to Maria as well. Good thing I did because I have no doubt that the Chinese would have killed her when they abducted me. The other favorite of mine is one of the two of us in the same old swing about an hour later I'd think. We're both asleep on the swing, the setting sun shining on us, her head on my chest and a small smile on her lips. After my extended tour of the Chinese military prison system, I went back up to Grandma's and that's when she gave me those pictures. Until then, I never knew they existed. I called Diane to tell her all about them. I have no idea how Grandma managed to capture a moment so perfect, so pure like she did in that first photo, but I didn't dare ask her either. Diane said she couldn't wait to see them and that's when we first started making our plans to spend the weekend together when she got back.  
  
"A friend?" I didn't expect her to believe me and by the way her eyebrow's rising up, I doubt she ever did.  
  
"For a long time my best friend, then she became my girlfriend."  
  
"What happened that you aren't together now?" I can't believe she doesn't remember this story. Of course, that was a couple months ago and we haven't mentioned Diane since.  
  
"She was murdered. She was all I ever wanted."  
  
Mattie's face drops like I expected it would. "Harm... I'm so sorry."  
  
"Do you remember a couple months ago I told you about her... I had to do the investigation into her death."  
  
"Kinda, but you didn't tell me she could pass for Mac's twin." Mattie holds the photo album closer to her face to get a better look. "How long after she died did you meet Mac?"  
  
"Six months."  
  
"Ghost of your past come to life."  
  
"Something like that."  
  
Mattie closes the yearbook, but continues to leaf through the photo album. "Did you tell her?"  
  
"She got the idea that she reminded me of someone from my past, someone who had died. Later on she saw some of these pictures."  
  
"What did you do after you met Mac?"  
  
"I just tried to deal with it."  
  
"Was it hard?"  
  
"Seeing my dead girlfriend's face on another woman? You bet it was hard."  
  
"But eventually it got easier right?"  
  
"Yeah over time it did."  
  
"Was she like Mac or no?"  
  
"Their personalities were like night and day Mattie. Diane was laid back, very kind. She had the most beautiful laugh and she was always smiling."  
  
I can feel Mattie's eyes looking me over before she responds. "Its still hard on you isn't it?"  
  
"Not as much any more, but I still miss her Mattie if that's what you mean. She's the only person aside from yourself that I've let inside. To really get close to me. After she died..." I can't help sighing at the thought.  
  
"What? After she died you what?"  
  
"I was just thinking that I sounded like Mrs. Smithfield did earlier. After Diane died, I no longer believed in miracles. My dad was gone, Diane was gone, and my career was on the line at the time. It seemed like my life was coming apart at the seems again and this time I didn't know if I'd be able to put my life back together again."  
  
"You didn't deal with her death either did you?"  
  
"Not really and look at what happened to me. After Diane and dad's deaths it's taken me eight years to get close to someone again."  
  
"What happened her killer again? I know you caught on to him, but what actually happened to him?"  
  
I'm going to tell her, I'm going to tell her everything and let the chips fall where they may. "Mattie this is one of those things I need you to keep a secret okay?"  
  
"I promise I won't tell Jen."  
  
"You can't tell anyone Mattie... I could get in a lot of trouble if you did."  
  
Mattie's eyes widen, but she gamely nods at me to continue although I wonder how eager she is to hear it any more. Another quick visit to my closet and I've got the shoebox full of our letters. "About two years after her death I was rereading all of our letters when I stumbled upon this." I hand her the letter, it has a number of watermarks on it after Holbarth threw it on the ground, but its still legible. I had to keep it; I couldn't bear to part with it.  
  
Mattie reads it, but I doubt she's making the connections. "I don't understand."  
  
"Diane's XO killed her to prevent her from ruining his career."  
  
She tries playing it cool, but I could detect the tremor in her voice when she sees the rage flashing in my eyes. "What did you do Harm?"  
  
"What do you think I did? I loaded up my side arm and tracked him down."  
  
The gasp from Mattie had to be audible all the way into Jen and Mattie's place. "You killed him?"  
  
"I was going to."  
  
"What stopped you?"  
  
"Mac showed up. I'd told her the whole story that night and even though I threw her off my trail, she and Bud followed me to Norfolk."  
  
"So what happened to Commander Holbarth?"  
  
"Mac ended up in one of Harriet's Naval uniforms and when she came through the mist calling my name..."  
  
"And Holbarth thought he saw a ghost didn't he?" It's unbelievable how smart my little girl is.  
  
"And fell between the dock and his boat's hull. He was crushed to death."  
  
Mattie digests all of that before looking me squarely in the eyes. I know the question she's about to ask. "Would you have killed him if he hadn't fell?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Mattie sits there in what I'm guessing is a stunned silence. "Yes?" Isn't that what I just said?  
  
"He killed the love of my life Mattie. I wasn't about to let that go unpunished."  
  
"But that would've lowered you to his level Harm. Not to mention your life would have been over. Did you ever think about that?"  
  
"Mattie there's a lot of things you don't think about when you're bent on killing someone."  
  
Mattie takes one last look at the photo album before closing it shut. "Does Mac think you were going to kill him?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Lucky she was there. Did you ever thank her for that?"  
  
"I kissed her, does that count?"  
  
I can see a small smile building on her face. "On the cheek?" Please, that's for first dates and casual friends.  
  
"On the lips."  
  
"Well if it was only a peck..."  
  
Why not, lets pour some more gas on the fire. "It was a long, slow kiss."  
  
Her smile's running at full power now and her eyes are wide open. "And she returned it?"  
  
"Oh yeah." That was a great kiss.  
  
"What happened that you didn't start dating her right then and there?"  
  
"She told me that she understood I was kissing Diane, not her."  
  
"Were you!?" Good grief, I didn't expect her to get this fired up about it. Of course teenage girls and romance, what the hell was I thinking that she wouldn't be?  
  
"Of course not. Do you really believe I lead myself into thinking I was kissing a ghost." A ghost would have been wearing Lieutenant's bars and she would have smiled at me. Her kiss would have been different too, sweeter somehow, or maybe it's because she's my lost love that I think that way.  
  
"Did you correct her?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What do you mean no? Why not?"  
  
"Well for a long time I figured it was her way of letting me down easy."  
  
Mattie shakes her head, hands me the books, and gets up off the couch. "You were an idiot Harm for ever letting her go."  
  
I don't have an immediate response for that as Mattie leaves and heads over to her place, but eventually the words come. "I know." She can't hear that, but she doesn't need to, to know it.  
  
1613 ZULU NAS PAX RIVER  
  
PATUXENT RIVER, MARYLAND  
  
God, what a beautiful day to be flying. I'm still sitting in the wardroom waiting for Sean Parker to finish up with his flight familiarization training. He passed his flight physical yesterday. Of course, it took a half a dozen flight waivers for him to pass, but hey, who's counting right? Its ten minutes before he comes in following an Ensign who gives me a sadistic grin. He knows exactly what I'm going to do to our ground dweller here. "Sean, how are you?"  
  
"I'm ready to go flying, when do we go?"  
  
"We'll talk off as soon as you're geared up and good to go."  
  
"Well what are we waiting for?"  
  
Almost an hour later Sean and I are strapped in our ride following a pair of Super Hornets as we taxi to the end of our designated runway. I turn us slightly to one side to allow Sean a better view as the Hornets power up and race down the runway. Despite what I'm about to do to him, there's no reason his entire experience needs to be bad. "Tower this is Tomcat 481 on runway three-six requesting permission to take off." Looking back, I can see Sean's head turning side to side as he tires to take everything in. It won't be long before his only view, will that of a rapidly filling barf bag.  
  
"481, permission granted on runway three-six."  
  
I'm just about to throttle up when Sean starts up again with the questions. "Why is it so hot in here?"  
  
"Trust me at thirty thousand feet you'll be glad for it." He'll be damning me for it too if he ever catches on to what I'm really doing to him. I only told Chuck DePalma what the CAG did to him because he was ex Special Forces. The jackass sitting behind me is just a headline chaser and doesn't deserve that kind of information or respect. He doesn't give a damn about the people those stories of his are impacting.  
  
Sean bitches again as I align us with the runway. "Can't my seat raise up any higher? Your chair's blocking my view."  
  
My chair is blocking your view? What an ass. "No, they're not adjustable. Now is there anything else or can we go flying now?"  
  
"You're the pilot." Damn right. I don't look back as we talk off, but I imagine Sean's head is on a swivel. That's going to make this a whole easier. Pulling back on the stick we climb to four thousand feet before he knows what hit him. "Whoa."  
  
"That's about four G's." I let him recover from that as I turn us heading northeast. We're still climbing, but not at our previous rate. I don't want to end this flight that early. "Tower is Tomcat 481, bearing zero-four-niner for op-sec five. Proceeding to alpha one run at angels thirty, over."  
  
"Roger 481, have fun."  
  
"What was all that about?"  
  
If he keeps up with all this talking, I'm going to start calling him Bitching Betty. Maybe if I hit him with a few more G's he'll shut up. "We're heading to operational sector five and beginning with a supersonic run at thirty thousand feet." We're just passing angels ten and I'm not interesting in listening to him talk anymore so I pull back on the stick. I've only added about two G's, but it's enough to shut him up for now. He likes to hear himself talk far too much anyway and besides, I want to be at thirty thousand as soon as we enter our operating area. Ten minutes later, we've finally entered our operating zone. "You all strapped in back there?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Got your mask on?"  
  
"Do now." Did miss something where I said he could take it off at all?  
  
"Alright here we go." I love the look in his eyes as I shove the throttle forward. There's no room for anything else except a healthy mix of fear and adrenalin in his eyes when he feels our bird accelerate to eleven hundred miles an hour.  
  
As soon as he recovers from the initial rush of our burst of speed, he starts chattering away like a monkey in a tree. "Whoa! That was awesome!" News reporter, lawyer, whatever; it doesn't matter what a man does for a living. Everyone breaks down into the simplest speech patterns when they're doing something this cool. "Let's do that again." See what I mean?  
  
"No the afterburners burn too much fuel running super sonic like this, we've got to slow down or we'll run out too soon." Now I'm going to get nasty on his ass. "Would you like to know what air to air combat is really like?"  
  
"Have you seen any?"  
  
"Sure, over Libya I splashed a MIG and disabled another." I could add Russia and Cuba to that list, but then again I was really just a flying target in each case. I didn't have anything to fight back with.  
  
"Then let's go." I proceed from one maneuver to the next as I add commentary throughout the entire thing. In reality, I didn't use a quarter of all these moves as I throw hammerheads, snap rolls, wingovers, and Emmelman turns among others at him. He looks green by the time I level us off.  
  
"You okay back there?" I only ask to prove that I was concerned for his well being at one point or another during the flight.  
  
"Fine." Well he's at least trying to gut it out, but I'd respect him a lot more if he'd admit that he's in way over his head.  
  
"Okay, get that nickel handy, cause here comes the negative G's." I slow us down to five hundred knots and then thrust the stick forward. Even my gut doesn't like doing this, but I can guarantee his will dislike it even more. In the back seat, it isn't long before I hear a lot of rustling around. I manage to look back in time to see Sean puking into his bag. I level us out at angels twenty before doing it again. "I didn't hear any pictures. We'll try it one more time in case you didn't get it." Sean barely starts to protest before we plunge again. By the end of the second run, we're at seventeen thousand feet and Sean's busy filling the second bag. "Are you sure you're okay?"  
  
Sean gives me a weak smile and a thumbs up. "I'm doing better now, but no more negative G's."  
  
"Did you get your picture?"  
  
"No, let's go home."  
  
"Already?"  
  
"Yeah, I don't know how much more of this I can take." Finally.  
  
"Do you have those bags secured, I don't want a mess in here." I only ask because of what I'm about to do to him.  
  
"They're good to go."  
  
"Good, then we'll head home." Before he can react, I snap us over and pull out a split S. I know based on how my body's reacting that we're pulling eight and a half to nine G's. Looking back at Sean I can see that he's passed out. Due to his weakened condition, his less than stellar physical shape, and the fact that his mask's off. It'll take him a few minutes to wake up. "Good night sweet prince."  
  
Sean didn't really wake up until we were in our landing pattern, I wouldn't let him. As soon as he started coming around, I'd crank up the G's and put him under. He didn't say anything until we were on final approach and even that was little more than a moan. I'm sure that'll change as soon as we're on terra firma. As soon as we've stopped, powered down and the plane captain helps him down he starts bitching at me as I climb down as well. "What the hell was that all about!?"  
  
"That was for the Smithfield's and every other family you've harassed about losing a loved one in Iraq. Your problems don't even rate Sean. Those young Marines and Soldiers patrolling the streets, trying to stay alive; they, have problems. The biggest question you face is where is your next caffeine fix coming from. You want to the right to tell the story the way you want to tell it? Grab a helmet and a flak jacket and follow a platoon of Marines around in a forward combat zone for a few weeks. Witness their sacrifice, their courage, and their dedication and then you can print whatever the hell you feel like printing. I think you'll find that you'll be a better reporter for it too."  
  
"Don't tell me what to do Rabb."  
  
"Don't you ever harass another family like that again Sean. Their loss has given them the right to tell their story anyway they choose. You have no rights in that regard except to politely take their story and offer your deepest consolations. Whether that story fits your purpose or not is irrelevant."  
  
I think the fact that he's surrounded by several enlisted personnel attending to the plane as well as the young Ensign who's here to help him change out of his gear is helping my words sink in. "When can I talk to her Harm?"  
  
"Mrs. Smithfield has asked me to tell you that she would be happy to discuss her son with for the record after the funeral."  
  
Sean nods weakly. "I'll see you after it then."  
  
Sean starts to follows the Ensign away before I stop him. "Sean?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I think it would be a nice gesture on your part if you attended the funeral. Show the Smithfield's that you care more than just about your story." Sean only nods as he walks away. Looking over at the plane crew going over the Tomcat, they're all smiles whenever they look back at me. They heard every word and I know they couldn't agree more.  
  
1629 ZULU  
  
THE FIRE HEARTH RESTAURANT  
  
ARLINGTON, VIRGINA  
  
We've been sitting here for the better part of an hour before Mrs. Smithfield comes walking in through the door. Her uncle gave Susan a ride here for the meal after the funeral. I couldn't have been more proud of Mattie today. I wasn't sure how she'd react to everything. I didn't see her during the wake and we didn't talk about it afterwards, but she really proved her mettle today. Mrs. Smithfield looks somewhat at peace considering everything she's been through. "How'd it go?"  
  
She glances at the metals on my chest and I really wish she wouldn't. I forgot my damn ribbons in my locker in the officer's club at the Washington Naval Yard and I left them there after I finished lifting. It wasn't until I brought out my dress whites that I remembered where they were and started swearing about it. I didn't have time to run and get them and the only thing I could think off was to pin the metals on. I felt incredibly out of place with them on. Just about everybody there gave me a weird look at one time or another, especially her uncle. "Really well. Thank you."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Mr. Parker told me about the flight you took with him and the verbal lashing you gave him afterwards." Good. I don't think it could have worked out any better. When she notices my smile, she smiles back in question. "What?"  
  
"I was just thinking how pleased I am that at least this small part well it worked out as well as it did. I honestly didn't know if he'd come around to our way of thinking or not."  
  
"I really can't tell you how much that meant to me Commander."  
  
"Well I'm glad I could help."  
  
"Do you mind if I ask you something personal?"  
  
"Sure".  
  
"Don't take this the wrong way, but this whole time I've gotten the feeling that you've done this before." I suppose I should have seen this coming. Frankly, that's a sick feeling knowing that I've done this so many times before it's becoming second nature to me and others notice it.  
  
I gesture her to a bar stool and she sits down. Pulling my own stool back, I'm not sure of what I'm going to tell her. "Many times; too many times."  
  
"People close to you?"  
  
"My dad, my girlfriend, some of my best friends from the Academy and flight school."  
  
"Vietnam?"  
  
This is so much easier because she understands. "Shot down Christmas Eve 1969."  
  
Her mouth goes slightly agape as she tries to understand what that must have been like for a five-year-old boy. "You were trying to be strong for your mother weren't you." She knows all too well.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Joe tried doing the same for me when my husband died." I'm glad she isn't questioning the fact that he's dead. That's a story too long for the time we have here today. Of course, she has no reason to believe otherwise.  
  
"It wasn't just for mom. I wanted my Grandma to see that mom was just as tough as her."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"My Grandma lost her husband to a war as well. I wanted her to see how strong mom really was." I know she can appreciate the similarity.  
  
"Your dad was an only child wasn't he?"  
  
"As am I."  
  
"And your girlfriend?"  
  
"One of my best friends from the Academy." I'm not going to get into how she died with her.  
  
"Can I ask..." When she sees me pretending to be more interested in my drink she stops there. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked that."  
  
"Its okay, she was the love of my life and I..." No, I'm not going to finish that. I'm going to leave it at that and hope she understands. Given her circumstances she has as much right to know as anybody else and if it had been anybody else other than Diane, I'd tell her too.  
  
"You don't really know how to deal with death do you?" Now there's a first. No one's ever told me that before and I'm sure my face reflects it.  
  
"What makes you say that?"  
  
"Because you're great at helping others, but I get the feeling you're not so great at helping yourself."  
  
"One of the things I've been told repeatedly by the people who know me well; some more bluntly than others, is that I'm driven by my emotions. I guess I can't help myself, I see someone in need, and I have to help. I promised myself if I had the chance to spare someone the pain I'd felt in my life I'd do it."  
  
"But there more isn't there. You put up walls to protect yourself from your own emotions when the pain's too close or too much to bare."  
  
"I suppose so." Looking at her, she gives me a small smile. "How did you know that?"  
  
"I know the type; my husband was a lot like that."  
  
I try to laugh it off, but I find that I can't. "What can I say? We're military men."  
  
"That doesn't mean we expect you to be inhuman."  
  
"I know." Time to change the subject; I'm tired of talking about me. "I wanted to thank you as well."  
  
I can tell that has peaked her curiosity a bit. "For what?"  
  
"For your advice about Mattie. I'm glad to know that I'm not the screw up I thought I was."  
  
To this she just laughs. "They're kids, no one's expected to be the perfect parent."  
  
"Try telling that to the Family and Social Services people."  
  
We both know she doesn't have anything to say about that so she only shrugs. "Do you have permanent custody of her now?"  
  
"Temporary only. The judge is going to make a final ruling in a month."  
  
"You're afraid of losing her aren't you?"  
  
"Wouldn't you be? I love Mattie." That came out a little harder than I intended, but she understands.  
  
"Of course, but I think they'd be a fool to take her away from you."  
  
A lot of people have said that still, I can't help the slight chuckle. "Can I use you as a character reference?"  
  
She looks a little shocked by that, but then she shocks me in return with her response. "When do you need me?"  
  
Still slightly stunned by that; I'm just about to answer her when my cell rings, by the caller ID I can see its someone at JAG on the line. "Excuse me, I better get this; hello?"  
  
"Commander Rabb?"  
  
"Petty Office Coates? What's going on?"  
  
"I need you to hold for the Admiral sir." I'm not going to like this. The Admiral knew what I was doing today. Whatever this is, its important enough to call me in the middle of all this. Either something big just happened or I'm going to be packing a bag.  
  
"Commander."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"How was the funeral?"  
  
"As well as could be expected sir."  
  
"Indeed, look I've been asked to supply a JAG officer to Afghanistan to modify the rules of engagement for limited and otherwise special circumstances and you're up." Shit, this is what I get for having a near empty plate. "You're flying out of Andrews at 0800 tomorrow, Petty Officer Coates will have all your travel arrangements made for you. Be here before the end of the day for your briefing and to update Mac and Roberts concerning your case files, understood Commander?  
  
"Yes sir"  
  
"You should expect to be gone two, maybe three weeks at least so make whatever arrangements you have to Commander."  
  
"Yes sir, goodbye sir."  
  
Hanging up the phone, my sigh tells her everything she needs to know. "You have to leave don't you?" I silently nod, hating the Admiral for forcing me to cut our time together short. There's so much that I could've learned from her. "Where?"  
  
"Afghanistan, I leave tomorrow."  
  
Her eyes widen at the mention of my destination, but otherwise she's unaffected. "How long are you going to be gone?"  
  
"A few weeks, I'm not exactly sure. I'm going to collect Mattie and we'll be on our way."  
  
She hops off her stool as soon as I climb off mine, pulling me into a hug and giving me kiss on the cheek. "Take care of yourself over there Harmon Rabb. I don't want to attend another funeral."  
  
I release her and pay for our drinks at the bar. I'm actually very touched she thinks enough of me that she'd even want attend. "I will." Turning around I spot Mattie talking with Susan in a corner of the restaurant. I can only hope she'll be as understanding as the woman I've just came from.  
  
1255 ZULU  
  
MARINE ADVANCED CAMP  
  
FIFTY MILES NORTH OF KABUL, AFGHANISTAN  
TWO WEEKS LATER  
  
This is so boring. I've been stuck here two weeks and I don't know why. The Rangers and Marines here know what the hell they're doing. I've spent the bulk of my free time, fighting with a West Point Army Lieutenant Colonel. That is to say; when we haven't been advising our respective Commanders on the ground anyway. Lately we've been bitching about last year's Army-Navy game. Naturally, they'd stick to Academy graduates together. I swear if I didn't know any better, I'd think the Army and Marine Generals running the show here threw us together just to see what would happen. I'm tried of dealing with captured Taliban and al-Qaeda fighters as well. All they do is swear and spit at me, I can't tell you how badly I've wanted to beat the shit out of them. "Commander Rabb?"  
  
Looking up from my tiny, little table the Marines like to call a desk, I see a Corporal standing in my doorway. "Yes?"  
  
"Urgent message from the Wake Island sir."  
  
"Thank you Corporal, carry on."  
  
"Aye sir." Reading the message it doesn't take me long to realize that this letter is going to be my salvation. I manage to secure any sensitive papers I have laying around before sprinting over to Colonel Hamilton, the base CO currently over at the camp's HQ.  
  
"Commander what can I do for you?"  
  
"Sir the Wake Island just called from the Arabian Sea. There's going to be drug seizure and I need to be there to ensure everything's done by the book and to maintain the chain of custody."  
  
"What's the source of the information leading us to this seizure?"  
  
"Unknown sir, I was under the impression I'll be debriefed on my way there."  
  
"A junior officer can't handle something like this?"  
  
"Sir you know as well as I do that the world is watching our activities in this type of regard. We need to have an experienced, senior officer taking point in all of this."  
  
The Colonel doesn't respond to that, instead he walks over to one of his radio operators, "Sergeant, get through to the flight line and tell them to prep our reserve 53, we need to make an additional flight."  
  
The Colonel flashes a smile at me when he turns around. I've actually serving under his command and I like to think he enjoys having a JAG that's seen combat, a lot of it and that can give him not only sound, but sensible advise on how to proceed. "Thank you for doing this sir."  
  
"You're a hell of a warrior Harm. If you were just another JAG, I'd tell you to forget about it. That said I expect to get you back when you're done." I just smile back as I shake his hand. "You've got fifteen minutes before that bird's ready to fly. You better secure your shit and get your ass in gear."  
  
"Roger that sir!" As soon as I'm through the tent flaps, I'm sprinting for my quarters.  
  
Ten minutes later, I'm on the flight line throwing my sea bag into the Sea Stallion waiting for me. The other package in my hand I take better care of. It's for Mattie and I'm going to send it to her from the Wake Island instead of Afghanistan. This way my mail actually has a chance of beating me home. As soon as we're airborne, they put me on the horn to the Wake Island. "Commander Rabb? This is Captain Westfall."  
  
"Right here sir. Where do we stand?"  
  
"AWACS has picked up our suspected tanker on radar and we're presently 515 knots due East of our suspected target."  
  
"SEAL incursion sir?"  
  
"Very good Commander, they're briefing as we speak."  
  
"Sir I estimate it'll take me a little over three hours to reach you, but I need to be on the first flight to our target. If there are drugs on board I need to maintain..."  
  
"The chain of custody, I know the drill the Commander."  
  
"Yes sir, as well as interrogate any detainees we might have."  
  
"By the time you land we'll be launching the SEALs in a CH-53 echo. We're giving them a thirty-minute head start before launching another 53 as well as an accompanying 46. That should give you enough time to arm yourself and contact anyone you feel you need to."  
  
"I need to get in touch with the SEAL Commander as well sir."  
  
"We'll put you in touch before they leave."  
  
"That'd be great skipper, thank you." Leaning back in my chair, I close my eyes as the call to the Wake Forest is cut out. It feels so good to be back in the thick of things again. As many times as I might try to deign it to Mattie or anyone else for that matter, I really am an adrenalin junkie. I love this shit.  
  
"Tired sir?"  
  
Opening my eyes, I look over at the crew chief who's regarding me rather intently. "No Staff Sergeant, just happy to be getting back into the action."  
  
"I hear that sir."  
  
"Have you seen any recently?"  
  
"We took some sporadic ground fire last week while we were picking up a squad of Marines."  
  
"Everybody make it back alright?"  
  
"Oh yeah, the SAW does a great job of keeping the enemy pinned down."  
  
"How long have you been here?"  
  
"Eight months sir."  
  
"Long time."  
  
"Yes sir, hopefully I'll be rotating out of here with my unit in four months."  
  
"Thank God for e-mail when you can reach a computer huh?"  
  
"Yes sir, when I can find the time or actually sit down at a computer that's unused. I call every once in a while, but the bulk is done through letters."  
  
"That can take awhile."  
  
"Yes sir, but I'm hoping you could shorten the trip for me."  
  
"Letter or package?"  
  
"Letter sir, to my girlfriend."  
  
"Love her?"  
  
"Very much sir."  
  
"How long have you been seeing her?"  
  
"About a year before I deployed sir. I'm going marry her sir."  
  
"You might want to ask her before you do it."  
  
"She already knows sir. I told her when I left I was going to propose when I came back." I figure with all the money I've been saving up I'll be able to buy her a nice ring and set aside a nice chunk of change for a down payment on a house."  
  
"I'll bet she misses you."  
  
"She writes every week sir. I promised her a baby before I do something like this again."  
  
"I'll be more than happy to carry your letter."  
  
He has just enough time to dig out the letter and hand it over, responding before the Captain flying the helo asks for him. "Thank you sir."  
  
1643 ZULU  
  
U.S.S WAKE ISLAND  
  
NORTHWEST ARABIAN SEA  
  
I'm not sure how I did it, but I managed to get about an hour of sleep before we touched down on the Wake Forest. I wasn't especially tired, but this could turn out to be a long night, followed by a long day as well. Twenty or thirty hours from now, I might be wishing for that hour if I haven't slept by that time. Personally, I've never cared for LHA's that much. They always seemed like carrier wannabes to me. At least they have some one to greet you when you land like a carrier. "Commander Rabb?" I returned the Chief's salute as I climb out of the Stallion and head for the island. "The Captain wants you to gear up and be back here in ten."  
  
Looking over I can see another 53 powering up to take off. I'm guessing that's our SEAL team. "Lead the way chief."  
  
I'm wearing my desert BDU's with my gun and pack when I climb into my new ride. The crew chief hands me a headset as soon as I strap myself in. "The Captain's on the horn for you Commander."  
  
"This is Commander Rabb sir."  
  
"You ready to go?"  
  
"Yes sir, do we have anymore intelligence on our target?"  
  
"Nothing we didn't have an hour ago. You and a small boarding party will fast rope down to the tanker to provide the SEAL's with additional support." Well that explains the other six guys in here with me. "There will be an accompanying CH-46 waiting on standby ten miles from the ship. When you rope down radio back and let the cargo loaders hoist it out of there."  
  
"Sir I'll need an interpreter as well."  
  
"Find Petty Officer Grant in the boarding party, he'll translate for you. Your bird will remain on standby to take the prisoners back to the Wake Island as soon as you're through with them. Good luck Commander."  
  
"Thank you sir." During the flight, I had a chance to talk to Lieutenant Williams; the SEAL team commander to go over our objectives. Between him, finding Petty Officer Grant, and stuffing about four power bars in my face the flight doesn't take that long. The last thing I want is to be caught in a firefight with a radio in my hand instead of my gun so I radio the 46 as we come into a hover over the freighter. I'm the fourth man out the door when we reach the cargo ship. Ditching my repelling rig, I pull my Beretta and move forward with the team to the bridge. There we find two SEALs holding three men at gunpoint. "Who are they?"  
  
One of the two SEALs turns around to answer me. "Sir this man claims he's the captain. These other two were detained in their quarters." He speaks English? That'll make this easier.  
  
"KIA?"  
  
"Three so far sir, but I'm sure there'll be more."  
  
"Alright Grant, you're with me. The rest of you head out with the SEAL team and finish mopping up. Following that prep a spot on either the bow or the fantail for that Super Stallion to land." More shots ring out as they leave the bridge proving the ship hasn't entirely been secured yet. "Grant, cuff those two to the bulk head we'll start with the Captain."  
  
"Aye sir." He knows what I'm asking. None of these prisoners are restrained. Almost predictably, the first one fights him all the way.  
  
I can only watch for only brief moment before I'm already fed up with this shit. I can't cover these two and threaten Grant's man with only one gun so I pull Grant's sidearm as well and press the muzzle up to the third man's temple in the middle of the struggle. He freezes in the next instant, people tend to do that when they realize the hammer's been cocked. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way." I swear if the bastard so much as twitches I'm going to pistol whip the shit out of him. That's the hard way; the easy way is simply to shoot the fucker. Grant quickly secures him and the next man to the bulkhead. We're only been interviewing the Captain in his cabin for about five minutes when Lieutenant Williams comes in with another prisoner. "Just secure him to the bulkhead with the rest Lieutenant."  
  
"I think you might want to talk to this one sir."  
  
"Who is this?"  
  
"My name is Officer Simon Tanveer, I'm MI-6." That's a new one; I never heard that excuse before.  
  
I can't help the laughter that spills out of me. "Sure you are."  
  
"Who do you think called in your strike?" And that's where the laughing stops.  
  
This is going to take some time. "Grant, stay here and watch the good Captain." I pick up my pack and stare the Captain in the eyes. "Don't do anything stupid and he won't have reason to shoot your ass understand?"  
  
"Perfectly." He's not going to try anything. In fact, I'd swear this guy's glad he got caught.  
  
I lead us back up to the bridge before I turn to face 'Simon' or whatever his name is and the Lieutenant. "Prove you are who you say you are."  
  
"I've got my ID in my pocket."  
  
Patting him down, I find which one and dig out his ID cards. Something doesn't seem right about all this. "You're playing a dangerous game keeping your true identity in your pocket if you're really an undercover spy."  
  
"I got the crew drunk before you arrived, I figured it was worth the risk to keep it on me when you Yanks finally got here."  
  
I walk over to the other side of the bridge where the lighting's much better. Simon's grinning at me as I hold hid ID up to the light. He probably thinks I don't know what I'm doing. I'll let him think that too. While they're not exactly the same, MI- 6's ID cards have enough in common with our CIA tags for me to be able to spot a fake and this is the genuine article. That's just wonderful, I've dealt with these guys before. Some of them are alright, but most of them are just a pain in the ass. "Let him go Lieutenant."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
I hand Simon back his ID. "He is who he says he is. Did you find the drugs yet?"  
  
"They're in the forward cargo hold."  
  
"Okay head back to the cargo hold and secure the drugs, the 46 and her crew are arriving as we speak. Once the cargo and detainees are secured we'll radio for our ride out of here."  
  
"Roger that sir." As I watch the two of them disappear into the corridor I can't help but think how lucky I am that this whole operation has gone so smoothly. I just want to get this over with, put in my time in Afghanistan, and get home to Mattie.  
  
0903 ZULU  
  
U.S.S WAKE ISLAND  
  
NORTHWEST ARABIAN SEA  
  
It takes Mac about an hour to find me holed up in a quiet berthing of the boat in the middle of my conversation. Truth is I didn't want to be found. Not after Mac's comment of seeing me through all of my girlfriends of the past eight years. Webb must have told her things weren't working out between Catherine and myself. We didn't really 'break up', but with the constant tension between Mattie and Catherine along with her newborn baby girl, a little sweetheart she named Belinda, it's was just too much for both of us to deal with. Even though I don't think there's any hope for a romantic relationship between us anymore I still stop by and help her out when I can. If I didn't have Mattie, I'm certain I could have been a wonderful father for that little girl. Mac waves her hand at me to get my attention, I wave back, but I'm not through with my conversation. I'm not sure why she's bothered to track me down when she could be getting more answers from Webb's British half before he's hauled off to London and punished. "I love you too."  
  
Mac watches as I end my call before commenting. "Mattie?"  
  
I sigh as I slip my phone into my pants pocket. "No, my mom. I never got the chance to call her on mother's day. Then when I shipped out I was a little too busy arranging things for Mattie. I just wanted to call her and tell her how much I loved her. I didn't want mom to end up like Mrs. Smithfield and my Grandma did you know? Losing their husbands and sons without hearing them say I love you one more time." Mattie and I visited her mother's grave on Mother's day. She cried nearly the entire time, but I think it was a real turning point for her. I don't know what Susan and Mattie talked about while we were at their house, but whatever it was it sure helped.  
  
"Harm I doubt you're going to be in any real danger here on the LHA."  
  
"No, but I spent two weeks in country before you got out here. I could've ended up in another mine field or... well I guess you'd have to be a parent to understand." Normally I'd feel a bit guilty about pointing out what I have in my life that she doesn't; a daughter, a mother who loves me and I her, but I seem to be picking fights with everybody this week so why stop now? "Anyway, what's up?"  
  
"Up?"  
  
"I came down here to be alone while I made this call, I figured there had to be a reason why you'd track me down."  
  
Mac shakes her head like she's trying to remember why she came in the first place. "Oh, um, Chegwidden called."  
  
"Has he regained his sanity?"  
  
"And probably lost more hair in the process." That's good for a laugh before she continues. "No I got my recall orders back home. I'm getting a lift to Bahrain tomorrow morning at 0730."  
  
"I don't suppose he said anything about me and when I might be coming home."  
  
"Sorry I think you're stuck here for the duration." No, she's not. It's really for the best anyway; the two of us stuck on a helo together and then a plane ride half way around the world together... I doubt it would be for the best of either of us.  
  
"Damn, look I've got a package I'd like to send to Mattie, would you mind taking it back for me? Just give it to Jen and she'll take it from there. Oh, there's a letter a friend of mine wants to send too if you don't mind."  
  
"Jen? You sound like Bud."  
  
"I really hope I don't sound that awkward all the time."  
  
Mac jabs in the shoulder for that one. "He isn't like that anymore and you know it."  
  
"I know, so what's your point? She's practically become my little sister by association. So what if I call her Jen occasionally?" Well let's be fair about it, she's 'Jen' only when it's convenient for me. When Mattie told me they talk about me all the time, it's easy to tack on her title and last name to distance myself from her. Thankfully, that's an occasion that is quickly becoming more and more rare.  
  
Mac holds her hands up in defense. "Nothing I didn't mean anything by it. I just thought it was odd is all. So what's in the package?"  
  
"A kilo of heroin." I laugh, but Mac doesn't. "Come on that was funny."  
  
She still doesn't look that amused. "What's in the package?"  
  
"Um there's a digital camera in there. I filled up both memory cards and the pictures are too big to send her as attachments so I'd like to just send the entire thing home. I also bought her a cream colored silk scarf from a local dealer and a braided silver necklace."  
  
"How did you manage to go shopping way the hell out here?"  
  
"If you know who to talk to Mac you can get anything out here."  
  
"Do I want to know how you managed to accomplish that?"  
  
"Probably not."  
  
Mac sighs and sits down on the stairs. "I'll deliver your package to Mattie if you tell why you were constantly fighting with Simon."  
  
"I should have figured you were on a first name basis already."  
  
"Answer the question Harm."  
  
"Lets just say I have a problem with his kind."  
  
"You used to be his kind."  
  
"No, not that. MI6, I don't like them."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Lets just say that my run-ins with them have been less than positive experiences and no I can't talk about it."  
  
"Well that's convenient."  
  
"Is that what you say to Webb when he tells you he can't tell you what he's been up to?" I would've loved to have been a fly on the wall for some of the questions Mac threw at our in house James Bond. I'll bet a lot of it had to do with the lifestyle and what that lifestyle ends up doing to the man in question. I spent enough time with field agents that I've got a pretty good grasp of the kind of answers Mac's likely to receive and based on what I know about Webb, the kind of responses Mac had to give. Well at least if she was being honest with herself. I know he's drinking more and has been for some time. I'm curious how Mac's been dealing with that. I know she hasn't been drinking, I've never doubted her sobriety.  
  
"Clay lays out what happened without being specific." I'll bet he doesn't, but I'll play along with her for now.  
  
"Okay, I was sent somewhere to pick up some people who were carrying a package we had to get out of there. Two men died, and I had to hump it out over 100 miles to steal something to be rescued myself with the package intact. The point being that MI6 fucked me over for the entire mission and it wasn't the first time. Good enough?"  
  
"For now." What she going to do ask Webb for the details? He'll never tell her what I was doing deep in the heart of the Congo. The two men were MI6 agents, but I didn't find out until it was too late that one of them had flipped and was working for some faction within the government. The bastard lined the runway with Rommel asparagus and I didn't see them until it was too late. They were short and I was landing into the sun. I hit one and the damn thing blew off one of the wings of the twin engine Piper I was flying in from South Africa. Once his partner pulled me from the wreckage, he turned around and shot the son of a bitch in the head before I got the chance to. Turns out MI6 knew he'd flipped and instead of sending in one of their own pilots into danger, they asked us for a little professional courtesy. By that time we had a company sized element hot on our sixes so we made for the west coast. The agent never told me his real name, and I never found out either, he just kept calling me Yank so I called him Brit in response. I ended up taking the package from him when he was killed by a mortar blast. Being in those jungles made me feel sixteen all over again. Stryker would have been proud. After the other guy died, I lost my pursuers easily. It wasn't hard; I simply went into sniper mode and disappeared. They sent out advanced scouts with radios and one did get within ten feet of my position. I could have killed him easily, but I thought it best that he radio back saying that he couldn't find any sign of me. I reached the coast about a week later, stole a boat, sailed out into international waters, and activated the emergency beacon I'd ripped out of the plane. I was expecting some sort of air rescue, but instead a fast attack submarine picked me up. I handed the package over to the Agency first of course, I think they eventually handed it over to MI6, but I was never told what was in that case.  
  
Mac shakes my shoulder before I look her in the eyes. "Thanks for rejoining us."  
  
I shake my head to get those images out of my head. "Sorry, just reliving the mission for a while there."  
  
"Was it good or bad?" Rarely is the mission ever good.  
  
"Very bad."  
  
"How bad?"  
  
"Lucky to be alive bad."  
  
"Well you are the luckiest man I know." I really don't need to be reminded of that. Sometimes I wonder when I'm going to finally buy the farm. When I start thinking like that, I quickly dismiss it the idea. The last thing a fighter pilot or spook wants to consider is that his luck's about to run out. Tell a hundred fighter pilots that 99 percent of them aren't expected to survive the mission they're being sent out on and they'll look around at all their fellow pilots and think, 'You poor bastards.'  
  
"I make my own luck Mac." I think a friend of mine once said, 'Chance favors the prepared mind'. Personally, I think he got it from movie or something, but essentially its true. My training and quick thinking has allowed me to survive almost all of the life or death situations I've been in. When that hasn't been enough, I've been lucky to have good people watching my back. Mac, Meg, Bud, the Admiral; they've all been there to save my ass at one time or another.  
  
"You're own bad luck too."  
  
What the hell's that supposed to mean? I stare at her for a moment before an example comes to mind. "You mean the Singer trial."  
  
"Among other things yes."  
  
"What other things?"  
  
"Well why don't we talk about the verbal lashing you received due to the slugs buried in the ceiling of courtroom four."  
  
"That made the difference between a man losing his career and his life forever and walking away a free man. I'd do it again if I had to."  
  
"What about your little Tiger cruise adventure with Josh Pendry?"  
  
"I didn't invite those Cubans aboard."  
  
"Maybe not, but you sure as hell scuttled your chances with Annie." Does it really matter any more? It wouldn't have lasted anyway.  
  
I feel like Mattie rolling my eyes at her like this. "Please you can come up with a better example than that can't you? Annie was going to end it no matter what I did or didn't do with Josh. At least I gave the kid a normal life if even for a short while."  
  
Mac tilts her head at me and I'd swear she's dying to stick to me. "Your flying cost you Jordan and your lead feet cost you Renee." Doesn't she mean it cost me her?  
  
Okay, if that's the way she wants to play it, I'll play. "And where exactly did I go wrong that Diane was taken from me?"  
  
Mac incessant staring stops when I mention Diane's name and her voice has a much quieter tone. "You didn't do anything wrong."  
  
"Well maybe you think it was her fault then."  
  
"It wasn't her fault either Harm, obviously she wasn't supposed to die, but she did."  
  
"Then please don't lump my accomplishments or failures, my gains and losses into such simplified categories like good or bad luck."  
  
"I'm sorry Harm."  
  
"About the package?"  
  
"I'll take it. Who's the letter for?"  
  
"A Marine Staff Sergeant, it's for the woman he loves back home."  
  
"Who'd a thought it? You're a hopeless romantic."  
  
If she was trying to get me to smile it worked. "Keep that to yourself, I'd hate for that sort of thing to get out. Jet jocks have an image to uphold you know."  
  
Mac smiles, but I sense she's biting back a comment. I probably don't want to know what that might be either. "What about Navy JAG's."  
  
This game is almost amusing. "Well I'm not really sure, but I think they're allowed to let that sort of thing out. I mean look at Bud, too bad I'm not just a JAG."  
  
A game shouldn't be putting a look like that on Mac's face. "So you see yourself as a pilot first, lawyer second?" Uh-oh, she thinks I mean that I'm on a different team than she is.  
  
"Merely a pilot who also happens to be a lawyer Mac. I was born and bred to be pilot, you know that." At least she should anyway.  
  
"So you don't like being a lawyer?"  
  
"No I do, but when you ask me what am I passionate about, I don't think there's a doubt in anyone's mind where my loyalties lie."  
  
"I suppose I do." She probably hates me for it too.  
  
"Look I'm hungry, you wanna get something to eat?"  
  
"Tell why I should suffer through one more second of the mess's cooking than absolutely necessary?"  
  
"Because then you can tell your partner how things are back at JAG."  
  
"I'm not hungry." I think its amusing her to watch me come up with excuses why she should have dinner with me.  
  
"Then have a cup of coffee."  
  
"I'm not thirsty."  
  
"How 'bout you have dinner with me so I can sit down, eat, and talk with one of my best friends rather than eat a bad meal alone."  
  
Mac gives me a sly smile as she walks by. "I'll just have a coffee." 


	13. Coping With Bombshells Dropping Left and...

Author's Note: Wow a full season's worth. I'll save the bulk of my message for the end. In the meantime, I want to send out a big thank you to every one who read and reviewed or sent me private e-mails during this past season.  
  
Author's Note 2: I didn't even realize that I'd had the chapter repeat itself at the end until a friend mentioned it to me. This should clean it up a bit and I changed a bit of the dialog that never really suited me very well during its creation.  
  
1553 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
"Well there you go; this Wednesday afternoon, twelve-thirty."  
  
"Fine." Mac rolls her eyes at me and I wish she wouldn't, this is for her own good whether she knows it or not.  
  
"I'll be right back." Wandering down the hall to my office, I reach behind the door and grab my heating pad. Damn, stubborn Marines, I don't understand why she let's these things get so out of hand. As an aviator, I have to keep myself in top shape, especially if I expect to keep flying at my age.  
  
"Is your back bothering you sir?" Looking over from the sink, I see Harriet standing in the doorway.  
  
"You could say that Harriet. How's yours?"  
  
Harriet laughs, "Fine for now sir, but ask me again in six months".  
  
"We'll miss you Harriet." Well at least she's not leaving today. I hope we're going to have her for at least another couple of months or so.  
  
"Thank you sir, I don't suppose you can spare any of that hot water?"  
  
"Of course." I hold up the hot water kettle and fill her mug as she holds it out to me. "Look can I ask a favor of you?"  
  
"Sure sir, what can I do for you?"  
  
"I need you to get in touch with the Virginia State Police about an accident report I need to get a look at."  
  
"What do I need to tell them?"  
  
"It was a little over eighteen months ago, it's the Johnson accident, one woman killed as a result. I've got an exact date of occurrence somewhere in my office. I'll bring it by for you in a bit."  
  
"Is this in regard to Mattie?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Can I ask why you're doing this?"  
  
"Because there's some things that aren't adding up with her story and either she's lying about them or she doesn't really know what happened and if it's the latter it's important that she understands exactly what happened that night."  
  
"I'll get right on it sir."  
  
"Thanks Harriet. So how long are you planning on staying at JAG before you leave?"  
  
"Um, about a month sir."  
  
Ah, crap. "So soon?"  
  
"I really think it's for the best sir."  
  
"Any idea where you'll end up?"  
  
"I'm not exactly sure sir, I haven't exactly given it a lot of thought."  
  
"Well, just don't be a stranger when you do leave alright?"  
  
"I will sir." Capping the heating pad I walk out of the break room and head back to Mac's office. "Okay here we go."  
  
"Harm I don't need this."  
  
"Quit being stubborn and lean forward Mac." She gives me the eyes again, but at least she leans forward like a good Marine. "There, leave that there for at least twenty minutes and take these." Reaching into my pocket, I pull out a package of extra strength Tylenol.  
  
"Harm..."  
  
"Stop talking and take them." The look on her face tells me she just humoring me, but I really couldn't care so long as she takes them. She sighs softly as she leans back into the heating pad in chair. "Better?" She doesn't have to say yes, I know it is. Besides, it is written all over her face.  
  
"A little." She leans side to side in what I assume is an attempt to loosen up her back. Looking over at her shelf I gaze at the carousel or whatever the hell that thing is Webb got for her. I'm surprised Mac got such joy from a simple little thing like that hunk of plastic. I wouldn't say I was the most generous boyfriend when it came to giving gifts to my various girlfriends, I had to call out Mac's name in bed before I bought roses on a whim for Renee and let's be honest about it, I did it because I didn't want to end up in the dog house with her. Palmer gave Jordan more gifts than I ever did or at least better gifts anyway. Roses, chocolates, champagne, a gourmet meal, and the sexy negligee I found her in that night. I think those are most of the highlights. I can't imagine that thing on her shelf is that expensive and if it got that kind of reaction out of Mac, maybe my approach on gift giving is a little skewed. It needn't be expensive to be memorable. Well, I think I had better leave now before wear out my welcome, besides I need to get that date to Harriet before she makes that call. The fact that he didn't serve any time just isn't sitting well with me.  
  
"Harm?" I turn around at the doorway and look over my shoulder at her when I hear her call my name. "Thank you."  
  
"Your welcome."  
  
2241 ZULU  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION  
  
Where the hell is she? "I'll give her ten more minutes then I'm going out to look for her."  
  
"And I'm coming with you."  
  
"Jen..."  
  
"Commander don't even think about leaving me out of something like this."  
  
"Fine, ten minutes okay?" I really don't know what kind of excuse I was going to hand to her that would seem reasonable enough to keep her here anyway.  
  
"She could be staying at school until her Alateen meeting tonight."  
  
"Maybe, but she'd call us if she was." I can't sit here. I've already finished cleaning up all the dishes and dinner's sitting on the counter getting cold. I pray to God she didn't run away or... I just hope nothing's happened to her. "Fuck it, let's go now."  
  
By the way Jen practically springs out of her seat I guess I wasn't the only one growing more impatient with every minute. "Where to first?"  
  
Throwing dinner in the frig I grab the keys to the Lexus off the hook. "Her school, it's the best place I can think of."  
  
"You know her meetings are at the youth center now don't you?"  
  
What the fuck? "When did that happen?"  
  
"Last week apparently there was some water damage in the room they used from that storm and they couldn't get another room so they moved it to the youth rec center."  
  
"She never told me." That shouldn't surprise me; Mattie's failed to tell me a lot in the past few months. The terrible thing is it isn't the small things either. She's been making it a habit of hiding the big things from me too. I wish she understood that I'm not going to judge her for what happened in her past. It doesn't take us long to reach the school. "I think our best guess is the gym or the library. Which one do you want to take?"  
  
"Harm I've been inside here like once, I don't know where any of it is."  
  
"I guess we're going to the gym then." Once we get there, we can see a number of kids playing basketball and others are hanging out on the bleachers, but none of them are Mattie. "Go into the locker room, see if she's in there." The longer this takes the more my mind is wrapping itself around the worst possible outcomes. She's been kidnapped, she's been killed, she crying out for me and I can't hear her.  
  
It isn't long before Jen comes back out a short while later shaking her head. "She not in there. I asked the girls inside if they'd seen her and no one's seen her since school got out." Rounding a corner on our way to the rec center Jen grabs my shoulder. "Slow down, it won't do Mattie a damn bit of good if we get killed trying to find her."  
  
The library was a bust, the damn librarian couldn't remember if she seen her today or yesterday. I thanked my lucky stars we got out of there in under ten minutes, that woman looked like she could have talked forever. "Sorry, I'm getting worried Jen."  
  
"I know, me too."  
  
When I finally park the Lexus Jen hops out just as fast I do as we make our way into the center. I'm just about to open the door to one of the conference rooms when a voice stops me. "Sir you can't go in there, there's a meeting in progress." Stupid woman, doesn't she think I know that? I'd say by the look on Jen's face, she's thinking the same thing.  
  
"I know that, an alateen meeting. I need to know if Mattie Grace is in there."  
  
"I haven't seen Mattie all day. In fact this is the first meeting I think she's ever missed."  
  
This is going from bad to worse. "If she shows up tell her to call home immediately."  
  
"Is there something wrong?"  
  
Like hell am I going to tell everyone that I've lost my daughter. "Just tell her to give me a call if you see her."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Thank you." As we get back into the car, I hand Jen my cell as she directs me to a shopping mall that her and Mattie frequent occasionally. "Call both of our places. Maybe she was just late getting home."  
  
When Jen doesn't get a response, I concentrate on the sidewalks as we drive along, I'm lucky, but not lucky enough to just happen upon her walking down the sidewalk. "Mattie give Harm a call on his cell when you get this message." Jen gives me my phone back as we pull into the parking lot of the mall. "Sorry, nothing."  
  
"Okay what's your best guess here?"  
  
"I say we start on one end and just work our way through the whole thing."  
  
"Alright, but after this we're heading back home." Please God let her be all right. If something were to happen to her, I could never forgive myself. Jen points out the likely shops she might be as we approach them, but we're disappointed every time we check them out. I wonder if this was how mom felt when I ran off to Vietnam. She was so mad at me, but at the time, she was crying so hard that when I finally did come home that it was hard to tell she was mad at all. I remember being grounded for two months. I also seem to remember being pretty good about obeying my punishment too. After what I'd seen and done, sneaking out to spend time with my friends was low on my list of things to do. Not to mention that fact that I was completely exhausted. In fact, it took awhile just to readjust to the slower pace of life here in the states. When I find Mattie and she's safe and sound, I'm going to call mom and apologize for doing what I did to her. Mattie may or may not being missing, but after only a few hours, I'm getting worried. I was gone for over ten weeks. I can't imagine what that must have done to mom. She saw the scars I came home with and asked about. Hell, she demanded to know about them, but I wouldn't tell her.  
  
Jen shakes my shoulder to get my attention; we've finally reached the other side of the mall with no success in finding her. "Harm she's not here, let's go home."  
  
"Okay." There's no hiding it now. Now I have to call the police and tell the world that Harmon Rabb has lost the one person he was responsible for.  
  
1350 ZULU  
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION  
  
"What can I do?"  
  
"You're doing it." I'm not sure what it is I'm doing that's helping, but I'll keep doing it for her sake. When Mac knocked on my door this morning I was heading into day four without any kind of contact from Mattie and I thought she'd finally decided to talk to me. I'm sure she thinks I'm mad at her, and I was, but only for a little while. When I went back to my place, I had a long talk with mom over the phone. She's the one who suggested I give Mattie her space. Personally, at one point, I was all for kicking down the door and demanding answers, mom convinced me otherwise. It was a real eye opener to hear what my trip to Vietnam did to her now that I'm parent or maybe it's just that I understood her a little better. Opening the door to fine Mac on my doorstep threw me for a loop, not to mention her news of Webb's death. Mac hasn't shown up at my door in a long time and that was just to get a favor out of me. I think it was just about a year ago now; I was sitting in Paraguay near that busted up plane wishing for Webb's death... and now here we are. I know I'm not responsible and I don't have some kind of voodoo power that killed him, but I still feel awful for even thinking it or wishing it. Then there's Mac; I feel terrible about saying I hoped Webb's luck is better than her previous husbands and boyfriends. I really hope she isn't chalking up Webb's death to her curse. Part of me thinks she already is though. She came to my door with tears in her eyes and it wasn't because she lost another boyfriend; she loved him. I know that now. If Mac says he's dead because she can feel it, that's enough proof for me. The woman plucked me out of several hundred square miles of ocean one dark and stormy night; I have every faith in her... well, let's call them abilities. I know what Webb's last moments must have been like. I wasn't going to drown, but I damn near died under the same sea state. "Harm?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What's it like?"  
  
I hope she's not asking me what I think she is. I though that's what Tanveer was for on the Wake Island. I'm going to play dumb as long as possible. "What's what like?"  
  
"Being an agent."  
  
I don't see how this line of questioning is going to help her. "Mac..."  
  
"Why would he lie to me?"  
  
"Mac you already know the answer to that. He didn't want you to worry."  
  
"That's not good enough."  
  
"Maybe he was afraid you'd doubt his abilities after Paraguay if you knew he was going to be in danger."  
  
"I'm a Marine Harm, I can handle the people I care about heading into dangerous situations."  
  
"Mac honestly, had you known that he was going on a dangerous mission, would that have softened the blow of the news of his death?"  
  
"No." No, I can't imagine that it could have.  
  
"He did it to spare you as much as he possibly could."  
  
"He still lied to me Harm. How would you feel?" Well she's got me there. She knows full well that I'd want to know if they were going to be in danger or not. Actually, I don't know why Mac believed him in the first place. Even Blaisdale told me as I was being shown the door that CIA operations are supposed to operate in secret.  
  
"I wouldn't like it, but I'd try to understand considering the line of work Webb was in Mac."  
  
"Meaning..."  
  
"Meaning that they're never going to tell you the truth Mac; you will never know why he died or what he was actually doing over there. They do it to protect themselves and the mission; and sometimes, they do it to protect the people back home." It's not that I couldn't get the information, I could if I wanted to, but frankly I just don't care. I'd rather not know. Besides, what I don't know I can't lie about to Mac. "Isn't that why you didn't tell me where you were going last spring?"  
  
"Harm I still told you the mission was going to be dangerous. I told you because I knew you'd want to know, just like I'd want to know." I'm not positive, but this stinks of something else.  
  
"Mac, do you blame yourself for not being able to help him?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Because there was nothing that you could do."  
  
Mac pushes herself off my couch as she snaps at me. "I know that Harm." Mac paces back and forth a few times before she stops to stare out the window. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Its okay." I think I've proven the fact that's she's at least thinking rationally. If memory serves, Webb was dead before she even got her first gift. Looking at my watch, I see its already past 9:30 and I have a deposition to take in a drug possession case of mine in an hour. "What do you say I buy you lunch at work today?"  
  
Mac just shakes her head. "I'm taking the day off Harm." I should have seen that coming, and it's for the best I guess.  
  
"Give me a call if you need anything okay?"  
  
"I will, and thank you Harm."  
  
"Any time Mac."  
  
2146 ZULU  
UNITED STATES NAVAL ACADEMY  
ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND  
  
By the senior officer covers already here on the table I'd say Sturgis and the Admiral are already here, but not Mac, at least not yet. Doesn't matter, she's still got another fifteen minutes or so before she has to be here. Normally I enjoy any drive to the academy, but the news of Mattie and her father has completely thrown me off balance. I don't know what I was really expecting this whole time. I guess I wanted Mattie to accept her mother's death, but somehow remain in my care. I didn't think those letters would make such a difference, not that I would have withheld them had I known anyway, but still... my odds of keeping her are becoming much longer than they ever were before. Maybe if Mattie still hated him it'd be different, but now that she's spending time with him, my chances of keeping her have gone right out the damn window.  
  
"What is it about that table you find so fascinating." Looking over I see Sturgis approaching me. I guess I was staring wasn't I?  
  
"Nothing, just thinking."  
  
"About Mac or Webb?" Neither. "You know already don't you?"  
  
"Yeah, Mac came over this morning. Damn shame."  
  
"How was she taking it?"  
  
"About as well as can be expected I guess."  
  
"I didn't see her at work today."  
  
"She took the day off."  
  
"She knows her attendance is mandatory tonight doesn't she?"  
  
I never thought about that. "I would think so."  
  
"Well let's go get a drink while we wait for the meal to start."  
  
I set my cover down next to his. "First round is on you. I bought the last one."  
  
"Fine by me." Bellying up the bar, Jen sits down just as we do. "Petty Officer."  
  
"Commanders." Sturgis proceeds with our order as Jen turns towards me. "Did Mattie speak with you?"  
  
"Yeah was that your idea or hers?"  
  
"I thought it was important that she tell you where she's been."  
  
"Thank you for that."  
  
"Did she tell you everything?"  
  
"Unless there was more than her spending time with her father I think so."  
  
"So what do you think?"  
  
"I think I'm about to lose the closest thing I've ever had to a daughter." Sturgis hands me my beer, which I immediately pass on to Jen and order another for myself.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be, without you I wouldn't have even had these past few months with her."  
  
"Mattie's leaving?"  
  
Jen and I both nod as Sturgis digests that. He's the first one outside of the two of us to know that. "Well it looks that way."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Thanks." When my beer arrives, Sturgis excuses himself to talk to some of the newly arrived guests. I'm glad he left, I'd rather he not hear this. "Jen I want you to know that if Mattie does leave I'll continue to pay her half of the rent until you can find a roommate."  
  
"That's not necessary sir."  
  
"Yes it is Jen. I cannot overemphasize how wonderful you have been. I will never be able to repay what you've done for me and there's no reason why you should have to leave your home just because Mattie might."  
  
"Thank you." Jen looks down at her beer before lifting it up for a toast. "Friends?"  
  
"Friends and neighbors." Jen smiles as our glasses come together and we both take a long hard drink.  
  
"Look who I found." Turning around Jen and I watch Sturgis haul Bud, Harriet, and Mike over to the Bar. One look at Harriet reminds me how much I dislike the female mess dress uniform. I don't know what it is... it; it just seems... okay they're ugly; it's that simple. Mac too whenever it is she shows up. The female Marine mess dress is just as bad.  
  
"To our Madam Vice." Jen, Sturgis, and I all lift our glasses and drink. I'm so glad the Admiral didn't pick Sturgis. I'd have never seen the end of the punishments he could have inflicted on me. Sturgis delights in picking out infractions and the punishments that go with them with this sort of thing.  
  
Harriet blushes slightly in response to our toast. "Thanks, but I better go and talk to the Admiral before we begin."  
  
"Well pull up a chair ladies and let's have a drink before we're at the mercy of a balding dictator." All the guys have a laugh at that including Jen who chuckles to herself. "Bar Keep, another round on me."  
  
Sturgis and the other sit down just as the first couple of beers arrive. "Did you see Mac yet?"  
  
Licking my lips as I finish off my first beer, I turn around to scan the crowd. "No, why is she here?"  
  
"No, that's why I was asking."  
  
"Isn't her attendance mandatory at a dining out?"  
  
Looking back at Bud I nod. "I think so, Sturgis?"  
  
"Yeah last one I went to a guy got written up for failing to show." Even though none of us are mentioning it, I think we're all a little worried about Mac. Sturgis and I for good reason due in part to our knowledge about Webb. She only has five minutes before this thing is supposed to start and it's not like her to be late.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen; the President of the mess." I'm sitting down next to an empty chair. I can't believe Mac didn't show up. We downed our beers and made it to our table just before the guy with the bagpipe started playing. Sturgis and I just look at each other and everyone else at our table as the servers remove Mac's plate, chair, and silver were before serving our meal.  
  
"Do we want takes bets as to what her excuse is going to be?" I'm trying to keep the mood light, but I get the feeling that I'm failing in spite of the laughs it generates. God Mac where the hell are you?  
  
Oh my God... normally this is where I'd call myself an enormous ass for bringing up the baby deal, but how was I to know? All I wanted was tell her that she there was one thing in her life she could still be in control of if she still wanted to. She seemed like she was out of sorts at the party and I wanted... well I don't know what I wanted. I wanted to help her, but I'm not sure why I chose that avenue to do it with. I know she wants children and, and... and now this. Endometriosis, I'm no expert, but from what little I know, simply having children is going to be an uphill battle if at all possible to begin with and that's why I feel so bad for even bringing it up. I knew something was wrong the moment I heard the tone of her voice, she's never that distance in regards to that topic. After the toasts and all the socializing we did, I was thankful to isolate her outside away from the crowds in there. Then she dropped the bombshell on me. Correction, it fell on her; I'm just suffering from the mere aftershocks. Mac looks like she's about ready to cry, I'm holding her hand after giving her the same lines her doctor probably gave her. 'I'm so sorry.' How is that supposed to help at all in a time like this? If she was going to cry, the next voice brings that thought to a screeching halt. "Colonel, Commander."  
  
"Sir." He couldn't have picked a worse time and what the hell is he doing out here anyway? Mac didn't get to her feet as quickly as I did so I'm going to have draw his attention elsewhere.  
  
"Are you having a good time sir?"  
  
"Just taking a little stroll, reliving some old memories before I go."  
  
"You're leaving sir?"  
  
"Well I was planning to go back in, but now that the two of you are out here I won't have to."  
  
Mac looks at me before voicing the same question running through my head. "Why is that sir?"  
  
"I'm sure you're both well aware of the fact that June 4th is my last official day as the JAG with the change in command taking place on the following Monday."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"I'm taking the last two weeks in terminal leave. Colonel I'm going to be placing you in charge of JAG for those two weeks and I want you to hand over the Command to the new JAG." Wow, this really is the end, most everybody thought we'd have him for another two weeks.  
  
"Sir I..."  
  
"Is there a problem Colonel?" God, he doesn't know the half of it.  
  
"Sir I was hoping to request a week's vacation on Monday, there are some personal things I need to deal with.  
  
"Colonel if it's not vital..."  
  
"They are sir." Well I suppose if you're going to interrupt an Admiral you might as well do it when he's on his way out the door.  
  
The Admiral looks just about as irritated as I thought he might be. I guess with Mac asking for today off and now an additional week in addition to being late for his dining out the Admiral's going to be a little peeved without knowing the circumstances involved. "Fine, Commander, in your spare time, arrange the Colonel's leave. I'll name you as the temporary JAG so you can authorize anything else that needs to be taken care of."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"I'm cleaning out my office tomorrow so come in some time around 1300 to receive your orders."  
  
He wants to do this on a Saturday? Well I can forget about flying tomorrow. "Yes sir."  
  
"Good, I hope everyone has a good time tonight and I'll see you tomorrow. Colonel."  
  
Mac and I both offer him a salute, which he returns before Mac stops him on his way to his car. "Sir it's been an honor serving with you."  
  
"You too Colonel, goodbye."  
  
"Bye." When the Admiral heads towards the parking lot, Mac drops back down to the bench and looks over at me. "Think he's mad?"  
  
Sitting down, I lean back as I watch the Admiral walk away. "Who cares?"  
  
"I do."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Harm, he kept me here at JAG when a lot of CO's would have thrown me to the wolves. Remember the mishap report?"  
  
"You mean the one Singer put in your car?"  
  
"You never could have proven that Harm."  
  
"That doesn't mean it didn't happen."  
  
"Then there's the fact that I'm responsible for Petty Officer La Port spending the rest of her life in jail."  
  
"You mean for spying on her country?"  
  
"Harm..."  
  
I don't know why she's doing this to herself and I won't allow it. "Mac none of that crap matters."  
  
"It matters to me Harm, sometimes it feels like my career is the only thing I have control of and now..." She doesn't need to finish the thought. She's worried about the Marines handing her a medical discharge and wiping their hands of her. Bud's still here only here because he's in the Navy, if he were a Marine they would have sent him on his way long time ago. I wrap Mac up in a big hug and she willingly lays her head against my shoulder. I'd like to say something, but right now's probably not the best time for words.  
  
I hate to do this, but its time to change the subject; I just wish it didn't have to be this one. Then again, nothing else has the power this topic does. I've been holding Mac tight against me for the past ten minutes or so. It didn't take long for the tears to start flowing and occasionally I've heard a muffled sob, but I think she's just about finished for now. "Does his mom know?"  
  
Mac pulls away and rubs her eyes. Her tears have smudged her mascara a little bit. "She called me today." I think I have a tissue or something in my pocket somewhere.  
  
Ah, bingo. Mac smiles as I offer it to her. "How was she?"  
  
"She's hurting." She is too; I refuse to believe she cried all her tears for Webb in my apartment.  
  
"When's the funeral?"  
  
"This Tuesday."  
  
"Do you want me to go with you?"  
  
She's trying so hard to be strong, but her eyes are still giving her away. She's barely hanging on as it is. "You're going to go?" She shouldn't have to ask me that. Yeah I despised him for endangering Mac and kicking me out of the CIA, but I still respected the man.  
  
"I'll probably be there, I'm just trying to offer you my support."  
  
"That'd be nice."  
  
"Mac about what I said earlier..."  
  
"You mean about our little pact?"  
  
"Yeah, I didn't mean to cause you..."  
  
Mac gives me a small smile and silences me with an upraised hand. "You couldn't have known Harm." That's of little consolation to me. "Harm?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Do you wonder what he was thinking before it happened?" I don't have to wonder, I've been in his shoes. Of course, maybe that's why she's asking, so that she might understand.  
  
"I know exactly what he was thinking." Thankfully, Mac waits in silence for me to organize my thoughts. "Part of him was thinking that this wasn't the way he wanted to go out, but most importantly he was thinking about the people closest to him. So, if you've wondering whether or not he was thinking about you the answer is yes. You were probably the only thing on his mind."  
  
"How do you know all that for sure?"  
  
"Downing in the Atlantic is no different than drowning in another ocean Mac. I don't remember anything concerning my rescue after I lost my gun. But even before that, after I was forced away from that radio buoy I fully expected to die. In between the swells I thought about everyone I was leaving behind, especially you, mom and Grandma. We weren't even dating and I was thinking about you Mac. You can bet your boots you were all Webb was thinking about." Damn awful death, drowning, if you ask me. Sucking in saltwater until your lungs burn, I can vividly remember it to this day and probably always will be able to until the day that I finally do die.  
  
"I just wish I'd understood his world a little better."  
  
"You were a part of that world Mac, you saw everything there was to see."  
  
"I saw a predator strike Harm, all the planning was done without me." Hmm, maybe I should give her a big 'welcome to my world'. Planning wasn't something they let me sit in on either.  
  
"No you saw what mattered. A mission always looks good on paper, it's when you carry it out that things can go to hell in a hand basket."  
  
"Or when agents try rescuing people."  
  
"You mean Gunny."  
  
"I couldn't let him sit there and rot while we didn't nothing." She should know she doesn't have to explain her actions to me.  
  
"Mac I probably would have done the same thing."  
  
"Probably?"  
  
"Well I wasn't in your position."  
  
"Say that you were."  
  
"Mac I won't play the what if game. I don't know what I would have done." Actually, that's a blatant lie. I know exactly what I would have done. Had Webb not been preoccupied trying to rescue Gunny with Mac, he might have done the same. I would have requested a satellite pass over the region from Langley. I probably would have found the stingers in transport and taken them out with the Predator. Only after I'd cleaned that up would I have attempted a rescue for Gunny's sake. At least then if I'd ended up in Mac and Webb's predicament I'd have had the luxury of knowing that at the very least the Stingers had been destroyed.  
  
I think its time to wrap this up. "Do you want to back inside, maybe get another piece of cake?" The chocolate cake we had desert was out of this world and I know chocolate of any kind is Mac's favorite comfort food.  
  
"I think I want to go home."  
  
"If you want, I'll take you home. I just need a few minutes to go back in and say goodbye to Sturgis and a few others."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Mac?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"We're going to beat this." I really don't know how much I believe that. Part of me is afraid for her life, but from what I understand there's an excellent chance of recovery if this sort of thing is detected early enough. No, what I mean is I don't know how exactly to help in this case. I can console a grieving friend because her boyfriend's dead, I've done that before, I've gone through that before myself, but this isn't your typical enemy, Mac going to have to win this fight on her own while I'm forced to watch from the sidelines. I've never had to deal with illnesses like this. My family has been blessed to have experienced such good health and with Mac's recent development I'm even more grateful for it.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
She's just about to walk inside when I stop her again. "Mac I know you just found out, but is there anyone else you'd like to tell? Harriet maybe? She loves you, you know."  
  
"Maybe someday Harm, but not today. I want to keep this between the two of us for now."  
  
"Okay, but just remember I'm not the only one who'd be willing to support you during this."  
  
"I know Harm. Coming?"  
  
"Yeah." Grabbing the door handle, I hold it open for her as she walks through.  
  
"There you two are." Turning around I see Sturgis heading for us with a glass of wine in one hand and a bottle in the other. "Where've you been?"  
  
"Outside talking with the Admiral."  
  
"Any last words of wisdom from the old man?"  
  
"No, just that's taking the next two weeks off and I've been put in charge to hand the reins over to the new JAG."  
  
Sturgis' eyebrows shoot up as that sinks in. "So he's left for good?"  
  
Yeah I can't believe it either, but this past week has shaken JAG from top to bottom so it shouldn't surprise me as much as it actually does. "Just now."  
  
Sturgis grabs a glass from a passing tray. "Wow, well, can I fill you up?"  
  
"Sorry buddy I just came in to say good night."  
  
"Where you going so early?"  
  
"He's giving me a ride home."  
  
Sturgis furrow his brow at Mac. I know he didn't want me leaving this early. "What happened to your ride?"  
  
"I took a cab here."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Flat tire and I didn't have a spare."  
  
"That must have been one hell of a fare."  
  
Mac shakes her head as she looks at me, and back at Sturgis. "You're telling me."  
  
"Well I'll see you guys on Monday then."  
  
As the crowd swallows up Sturgis, I turn towards Mac. "Anybody in particular you want to say good night to?"  
  
"Why don't we go congratulate Bud on his promotion." Now there was a shocker, once the Admiral mentioned Bud being out of uniform I knew what was going to happen, I just didn't expect it is all. In all honesty, despite my testimony on his behalf, I didn't think Bud would even be allowed to remain in the Navy on a full time basis. I've never been so glad to be proven wrong. The Admiral whispered something to him as he administered his oath, but it was far too faint for me to hear it. Maybe Sturgis and those damn sonar trained ears of his could have picked it up, but I have to believe that my continual exposure to the roar of the jet engines has to have had an effect on my hearing over the years.  
  
Opening my door, I catch Mattie raiding my frig when I walk back into my apartment. "You're back early." I only nod as I undo my bow tie. After we said goodbye to Sturgis, Bud, and Harriet among others I swiped another piece of cake and took Mac home. There was little conversation on the way to her place. Talking would have been difficult anyway. Mac asked if we could drive home with the top down. I always feel more alive with the top down and I'm sure that's what she was looking for too. "Well how was it?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
Mattie sets whatever it is she pulled out of the frig into the microwave and starts it. "Just fine?" I don't know how to feel about any of this. I've just left one problem to come home to another.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Did I do something wrong?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then what is it?" I want to tell her about Mac, but I've given my word to keep my mouth shut. If I tell Mattie, it'll get to Jen and if that happens I might as well announce it to all of JAG with a blow horn.  
  
"Its nothing." "Liar, its obviously something. Is it about Mac?"  
  
Close, but my mind has already leaped to my other dilemma. Mattie and her father reconciling. That shouldn't be a dilemma, but it is, and it's for purely selfish reasons. No one I know would ever use that word to describe me. When I'm dead and gone, I know that my selflessness will be one of the most prominent words used to describe the man I was and the life I lived. God that's awfully vain of me. Thing is, I want to be selfish here even though I know I won't be. I know I'll help Mattie along and when her dad wins the custody battle, I'll send her on her way without a fight. "No." Oh God, I never realized how right Mrs. Smithfield was; 'Treasure every moment cause they'll never come again.' Not only will those moments never come again, but also my days with her are already numbered.  
  
"What's the matter with you?"  
  
When I don't answer, Mattie heads for the door, ignoring her plate on the countertop and obviously irritated, but I stop her before she can reach it. "You're leaving me aren't you? If your dad asks for custody you're going to leave with him."  
  
"Yes." Oh, God that's cold. You know I was happy Mattie and her dad made up, but I can't help but feel like I'm being used and then tossed aside. "That's what you're so upset about?" I'd say by the look in her eyes she never once believed she could do something like this to me.  
  
"Is that so hard to believe?" I can't do this anymore, everyone in my life has left me in one way or another save mom and one day she will be gone and what will I have left? I don't even want to try to answer that question as I flop down on my couch.  
  
Mattie takes her sweet time walking over to me and sitting down on my chair. "Maybe I just didn't want to believe it mattered so much to you."  
  
"How can you say something like that? I told you when you moved in that I needed you. I can't tell you how excited I was for Father's Day this year. I thought maybe by that point you'd see me as one instead of just some guardian watching over you." This was going to be the best Father's Day of my life, probably because it was going to be my first, but I just knew it'd be better than another Sunday alone along with another quiet visit with dad at the wall.  
  
"Harm..." Please don't patronize me Mattie, not tonight, especially after the news with Mac. She stops there before taking a breath and continuing. "Harm I never... whenever I thought about my father, all these terrible thoughts sprung to mind. Things I could never associate with you." Oh please, don't tell me this is this her way of saying, 'You're too good for me to call you dad.' I want to say something to make her stay, but I won't, instead I'll sit here and watch another person walk out of my life. I did it with Jordan didn't I? I watched her walk right out of this place and I know I'll do it again. "I... I have to help my dad Harm. He needs me like I needed you six months ago."  
  
"And what about me?" Wow, I can't believe I voiced that thought; it just came out before I could sensor it and now I'm going to pay the price. Yeah, there it is. Mattie just lowers her head knowing that she can't and won't stay here with me and be my daughter. I don't know why, but I was foolishly hoping she'd smile, and tell me there's no place else she'd rather be.  
  
"Harm I..."  
  
"Whatever Mattie, its nothing."  
  
Harm..."  
  
"I'm going to bed, don't forget your plate in the microwave I'm sure its probably cold by now."  
  
"Harm, wait..."  
  
I can't take this anymore; spinning around I interrupt her. "Wait for what Mattie, a reason why you're leaving that I don't want to hear? Can't you understand that the very thought of losing you is tearing me up inside every time I think about it? I can't tell you how much I was looking forward to being your dad forever and now... now you're telling me that I can't be. Don't you understand how much that hurts? Right now, I just need some time alone to deal with it and think some things through, okay?"  
  
She looks like she's about to cry, well she can join the club because I'm just about there myself. "Okay."  
  
"I still love you Mattie, and I will always love you even if it kills me to see you walk out that door forever." Walking behind my bedroom screen, I hear the door open and shut before can manage to take off my jacket.  
  
1610 ZULU  
JAG HEADQUARTERS  
  
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA  
  
I haven't done this is in a long time; I always hated coming into JAG on a Saturday like this. I used to do it as a Lieutenant quite a bit. I was still a little... well, very unsure of myself in my new profession and I always wanted to be as prepared as possible so I'd come in here on Saturdays so I could work in peace. Once Kate came along all that changed, having a partner certainly helped cut down the workload. Unfortunately, I dumped most of that work on Meg when she joined me so she probably had to come in a few Saturdays herself. Of course Meg was never one to let someone walk all over her, she dragged me along more than a few times which is admirable considering I had a whole stripe on her at times. I used to like the building we used for headquarters in D.C a lot more than here. It was much closer to home and the offices seemed more private. After Meg was shot all that changed, I couldn't work there long without seeing the blood stain on the carpet in my mind. With Mac, we'd normally just have working dinners at each other's place. It was amazing how much we could accomplish in a single night's work. This is so much different; today I'm here to receive my first command. It's going to be short lived, but it's still my command plus I have the added benefit of getting out of my tiny, little office for the next two weeks. My office, my chair, and my command; I like the sound of that. As much as I like trying cases in the courtroom and hated the paperwork I had to deal with when I filled in for the Admiral, I still liked being in charge. Call it a heady rush of power and responsibility, but I loved it every minute of it. Well maybe that's because I never had to do the job for an extended period of time. I'd probably grow to hate it then. I could have done without Secretary Nelson bitching me out for Mac and Bud's using that damn General's record during their trial, hell I don't even remember his name anymore. As for the concussion based hallucinations of Mac, while sexually stimulating to be sure, probably weren't for the best either. Still... any time I think about Mac and the rain in the same thought, oh baby. It's been years since then and that still gets me going every time. I saw the Admiral's ride in the parking lot so I know he's here, but I'm in no hurry to get up to his office. Walking into the bullpen, I stop and look around. Everything seems normal right now, but a month from now so much will be different. The Admiral will be gone, Harriet's leaving too. Bud's new rank will be posted above his door. Those are things that have or will come to pass. The wild card is Mac; I can only hope she'll be allowed to stay in the Marines. If she goes JAG will never be the same, and our senior staff meetings will have one more unfamiliar face to grow accustomed to. Passing Jen's desk I think about Tiner. Has it really been a year since he left for OCS? It amazing how well Jen filled in for him. Well Jen's amazing period. I could never repay her for everything she's done for me.  
  
Stopping outside the Admiral's door, I take a deep breath before knocking. "Come on in Commander." Opening the door, I see a number of boxes lying around. Some of them are filled, others only partially and a few more are empty. I never knew he had this much stuff packed away in here. When the Admiral pokes his head up from behind his desk, I'm glad I wore my uniform as he came in his. He drops about a handful of pens and pencils into a bag on his desk. "Have a seat."  
  
"Thank you sir."  
  
"Did you have fun last night?"  
  
"Yes sir, I think everybody did."  
  
"Have you ever been to a dining out before?"  
  
"Once, a long time ago. I was a Lieutenant j.g. then, and after my first cruise on the Sea Hawk all the pilots, NFO's, and other aircrew men were invited to one."  
  
"You know Commander you're just about the only person I haven't given something to yet."  
  
I don't want his stuff either, there's simply nothing here that appeals to me. "That's not necessary sir, I don't need something of yours to remember you by."  
  
"Nothing here catches your eye?" Well if he hadn't given his bookends to Sturgis maybe, I'd have taken those. Those at least have a functional purpose.  
  
"Not really sir."  
  
"Well I've got something here that might change your mind." Not likely. I watch as the Admiral heads for one of the boxes he packed up and set on one of his chairs. He pulls out about half the stuff before coming up with a picture that I can't see and small velvet case. "Here we go."  
  
Wow, it's a picture of him and David Robinson. "You knew David Robinson?"  
  
"Yeah in between my careers as a SEAL and surface warfare I was an aide to Vice Admiral Fenton." Wow, he never mentioned that part of his career before.  
  
"Really? I didn't know that."  
  
"You didn't think I just joined up with my new profession without having to jump through some hoops did you?"  
  
"Actually I kinda did."  
  
"Well, anyway, Admiral Fenton was giving the commencement speech at the Academy that year so I was force to attend as well. After which I met a then Ensign Robinson and he gave me this." The Admiral opens up the case to reveal a silver dollar.  
  
"You were David Robinson's first salute?"  
  
"Yeah, the Admiral knew he was going to go pro after his four years were up so he wanted to meet him first. I was sent to find him and bring him back to talk with the Admiral. I was there first, so I got his coin. I had the picture taken with him after he met the Admiral."  
  
I can't help but laugh a little. "The Admiral gets 'the Admiral's' coin. That's a hell of a story sir."  
  
"I thought you might like it and I'd like you to have them. I know you're into basketball and I figured you'd appreciate something like this more than anyone else here would and my daughter wouldn't understand something like this so I can't give it to her either."  
  
"Thank you sir." Sturgis is going to turn green with envy when he sees this.  
  
"Now then, let's get down to business." Twenty minutes later, I'm walking out of his office for the last time, my marching orders, picture, and coin in hand. I make a quick stop in my office to secure my orders in the wall safe. Looking down at the picture, I decide to keep it here as well. My personal life has always been my own, but here I've always tried to uphold to the highest standard because that's what he demanded of me. I'm keeping it here as a reminder to that effect. Opening the safe back up, I set the case inside too. The picture and the coin belong together as a set. Kinda like Mac and I, I guess. Locking up my office, I head for the nearest exit. Things are about to change around here in a hurry, but as long as I put one foot in front of the other everything will eventually work itself out. I'm not going home just yet. I'm not exactly ready to face Mattie again. Besides, right about now there's a friend of mine who might be having a little more difficulty believing that everything's going to be okay. I'm betting, or at least hoping a good, supportive friend bearing some of her favorite ice cream and some chocolate syrup just might help change her mind and brighten her day.  
  
Author's Note 3: I realize there might be some who don't care for the way I have Harm reacting to the idea that Mattie will be leaving him. Frankly I'd rather see Harm upset at the idea of Mattie leaving. I think it's a more accurate reality of someone who'd grown to love another person and then was faced with the prospect of losing them. If Harm truly loves Mattie, then its ludicrous for us to believe he'd be happy about losing her even if it's to her own father. 


End file.
